Cog I miss you, but your poem needs to be reviewed.
This is actually pretty good. Better than what I usually expect from you, no offence. I like the world that you set up. You filled in the important details. You told us a story. You gave a biography of this person and his friends. I like the allusions to history that you've made. Honestly, it was a really nice social justice piece. I could see this being a good spoken-word piece with a few adjustments here and there.
You spent a lot of time setting up the area. Actually, that seems like the purpose of this piece. To lay out Interstate 5897 and what kind of people and places there are there. You did a great job of this.
Honestly I'm trying to get to saying that it was a bit long and you should cut some unneeded things, but I think most of the lines here are needed, so I don't know what to tell you. Maybe go through and get rid of what you think you don't need?
The narrative was pretty good. I wish it skipped around a little less, or had more transitions, but honestly it's fine as it is.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
Keep writing wherever you are, Cog, you have a talent. Don't be a stranger.
~fortississississimo (fffff)
Points: 4984
Reviews: 621
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