Note: The stanzas got smashed together, and I can't fix it. >:(
(It's still pretty east to understand, though.)
Mother, Mother,
Will you bring
Something to make
My head not ring?
It seems my head is bothering me
With all the places I should be.
I can sleep until late
And just hang loose
Because why get up
When there's no use?
Father, Father
Will you find
Something to quiet down
My mind
It seems to think that I should know
There's probably somewhere I should go.
My friends are fine.
They'll hear from me
I'll contact them
Eventually
Conscience, conscience
Will you see
If there's something in the drawer
To comfort me?
It seems my hands just have to shake
As a side effect of being awake.
I'm eating my food,
But it won't satisfy
I'm drinking a drink
But my mouth is still dry.
Nurse, nurse
Will you give me
Something that will help
Me to sleep?
It seems the days are passing by
And night just never wants to arrive
I'm in my room
Twenty hours a day
Wishing for the hours
To tick away.
Doctor, doctor
Will you prescribe
Something that will
Keep me alive?
It seems I'm screaming in my sleep
And everything I think is deep.
What is this world?
When does the day end?
If I can talk to myself
Why talk to a friend?
Doctor, doctor
Would you concur
An overdose is
A likely cure?
I'm so bored I'd like to see
How being abusive would affect me.
But I know the cause
And it's just begun
I'm violent and unstable
Because of the sun.
Summer, summer
Will you tell me why
You make it a torture
To be alive?
It seems in the heat, my signs of aggression
Are the summer disease,
The summer depression.
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141,354 Literary Works • 674,379 Reviews
Hey, yo, CoraxCorvus! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a quick review for you! Well, I have to admit, I genuinely liked this poem. I had no problems with the stanzas that weren't there, though it would have helped a lot, and that I felt it flowed pretty good.
One of the best things about this poem is that it reminded me a lot of the movie "Donnie Darko" for it's self loathing. See, the narrator has nothing to live for in life (Or he does, just doesn't realize it) and wants to find something to end this sort of depression. I like that part of the story telling because it does bring us something most of us can relate to. (Just last night I went to sleep at 2:30 and woke up at 3 PM). That's a good thing to have in a poem. Especially, the narrator. The narrator does seem vulnerable. Though, that leads to a problem.
See, the narrator complains. I'm not a big fan of narrator complaining. It shows that they whine a lot, and just plain selfishness. It seems the narrator just cares about themselves. Like "Oh, I'm aching." I just don't like that, and it does dampen the narrative quite a bit. I would say work on that in future reviews. Otherwise, most of everything else .n this poem is really good, and this has to be one of the best poems I've read this Review Day.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you..
8.4/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Hello! KatyaElefant here for a review! Let me see what we have here. Oh and Happy Review Day!
The way you make stanzas is actually quite simple and you don't have to do this but I mean it would help the readers a lot. What you do is you have one line, say:
Line
*
Line
Then you put something there to make a stanza(or a different typing key like a dot, whatever you want).
Now, for the things I like. I love the concept of this poem. Its darker and darker with each "stanza" and I love that! You spelling and grammar is great! This poem was just a blast to read! I love how you changed from person to person to make the situation more serious. My favorite part was probably this: " It seems I'm screaming in my sleep
And everything I think is deep. What is this world? When does the day end? If I can talk to myself Why talk to a friend?" I have a friend going through depression and when tries to talk to me about his problem, he just gets more sad. (so I have been trying not talk about that).
Your note for this poem has a spelling error XD. It is pretty east to read. Anyways, thanks for making such a great piece. I really enjoyed reviewing and reading it. Keep Writing and have a nice day!
Hello, Chips here to review!
This was a really interesting concept for a poem. I loved the title, it was engaging an humorous.
I thought your rhyme scheme worked really well for the most part so good job on that, but other times it did feel forced.
I understand you had problems with your formatting so I won't critique on that.
"Mother, Mother,
Will you bring
Something to make
My head not ring?"
Nice start here, I especially liked the repeated beginnings e.g., "Mother, Mother Father, Father Nurse, Nurse Doctor, Doctor,".
"I'm so bored I'd like to see
How being abusive would affect me"
I thought the first line here could be rephrased differently. It wasn't expressed as powerfully as the message continued on with the rest of the poem.
I like how the poem gained momentum as it went on.
Overall nice piece, hope this review helped! Keep writing!
--Chips
I see that you had trouble with the line spacing... It's annoying, isn't it! There is a special way to fix it, but what most writers on her like to do is this: put a little period (.) in the line where you want the space to be. I read somewhere that you could even color the periods white so that they disappear.
But, like you said, having the poem as one big stanza works fine, too. But if you originally wanted to break it up into separate stanzas, use the period method.
This poem was great!!! My favorite parts were when you'd say, "Mother, Mother; Father, Father; Doctor, Doctor;"etc. You did a really nice job rhyming everything and keeping a nice rhythm. Nice job!
Hello! I was drawn to this poem because of its unique title. Good job on that.
Also, this reads like a jump rope song, but I suppose that would defeat the purpose of it. XD
I like the way that it started off little, then grew bigger and bigger until this problem was life-threatening.
I'll be honest here: in some places, the rhyme worked, and in some places it really didn't. I don't know what to tell you, because I think rhyming suits this poem's mood. I think you should just go through the lines and see what feels awkwardest. Then get rid of that line, think of something else it could be. If nothing else fits, get rid of the line it rhymes with and start from scratch.
If all fails and it can't help but be awkward rhyme, sleep on it, perhaps rhymes will come to you.
It's not too bad, and I wouldn't go all out and say get rid of the rhymes completely, because I enjoyed them.
This one doesn't even rhyme with anything that I can see:
That just isn't correct.
Anywho, I loved the concept. See if you can do anything about tiding up the rhymes.
Tis a lovely poem
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Sweet perfection.
Hahahaha! Summertime sadness, I got that summertime, summertime, sadness! I feel like that song fits the description of my life right at this moment and your poem. But it is true. I have the summer depression. I have headaches from choices, and I am incredibly lazy and am always hungry...
Hmmm.... Summertime is good and bad....
I was just wondering if you knew that it says "Doctor, doctor" twice. I am not exactly a poet, so I am not sure if it was supposed to be that way... Please correct me f I am wrong...
Keep making more of these beautiful poems! I enjoy reading them!
Wow, I have nothing to say. Well actually 1 things. In some parts, the rhyming was little loose. But otherwise, wow. I really loved it. It was amazing. It was perfect. Omigod, I loved it so much I have to keep rereading it. Please keep writing. I love your poem SO MUCH.
-+1
This is so good! I loved how it wasn't cheesy like other poems where they don't really make sense. Another thing I really liked was the vocab used. Like when you used 'concur' and were able to rhyme it with likely sure. Great job, keep it up!