Young Writers Society

Hi Col3, I'm here again for a review!


Wow, okay, this chapter is... graphic. I was expecting that, but it might need a content warning xD

Anyway, you did a good job of handling Cody's reaction to killing someone for the first time. But there are two main issues I want to bring up that I feel are holding you down a little.

First is the timeskip. Mailicede made some good points on this, so allow me to add to them.
You set up the death of this man previously. You made it clear that Cody's mind was made up. You made the readers anticipate it. But then it happened off screen, so to speak. And this isn't just some regular timeskip; something major has happened since we last saw Cody. The way I'm reading this, it's actually fine, since I only read one chapter a day; but this can't apply to a proper novel, or to readers who read a lot every day. This is simply too jarring. You need to actually write what happens, not the aftermath.

Second is Cody's conversation with Luke. It felt very random; Luke just suddenly showed up and Cody just impulsively decided to tell him that Liu was murdered? Why? How? That's stretching things a little too far. I definitely think you need to look over that part, and at the very least have Cody properly consider what he's going to say before saying it. You can't excuse him by saying he's emotionally derailed by committing murder either, because after his conversation with Luke he seems perfectly fine. Maybe a little anxious, but not like a kid who just killed someone.

Anyway, that's all for today! This chapter has some interesting developments, but it isn't the strongest that I've read so far. There's some space for improvement.

I hope my review was helpful!

~Lee

Hi Col3,

Mailice back with another review!

What I notice very much in your chapters is not only that they are quite short and a lot happens in these short parts, but that there can be gaps in places that the reader then tries to answer.

I think if you sit down again and start reading through everything from the beginning, you'll realise what I mean. When you're writing, you're usually slower than when you're reading, so it can seem like you've done a lot more. Here you can see it in the best example because we have three scenes. The first is the moment after the murder of the man, the second is the dialogue between the protagonist and Liu and the last is the end. I think you have to try to create better transitions and give a bit more information to the reader so that he can get a more accurate picture of the situation, so that it also helps to keep the tension vibrating.

You've only shown the action here without going into all the details around it. It seems very solid at the beginning and could be seen as a script in places, but otherwise you can see the thread and thus the storyline fairly well.

I looked down at my brother's knife, which was now stained with blood. 

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKayy...this story is really taking off here, there's no holding back or hesitation whatsoever and we already have a death on our hands here. This is definitely building up very powerfully here and I wonder where this plot might be headed.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I watched as his body slid to the ground. His blood was all over my hands and clothes. It made me glad that I brought an extra pair. I looked down at my brother's knife, which was now stained with blood.

"Ugh," I bent over, trying not to lose my lunch, but I ended up getting rid of it anyways.

I look back at the lifeless man, just moments before he had pointed a gun at me, daring me to stab him, and I did. I stabbed him. Not just that, I killed him. I felt sick to my stomach, because now, I have to cut off his head. Mine as well get this over with I thought, as I bent over him and dug my knife into his throat. More blood poured around my hands, giving off that foul scent. I scrunched up my nose as I began cutting his neck.

"This is disgusting," I mumbled, trying not to gag.

In about twenty minutes, I had his head cut as much as I could. I couldn't get through the bone, but there's so much a 16 year old boy with a pocket knife can do. reaching on the side of my book bag, I grabbed the water bottle that I had packed. Pouring it on me and any part of showing skin that I could. I grabbed another bottled water and began cleaning the head. I don't even know why. . . why did this feel so natural? Like I've done it thousands of times before? I shake off my feeling of unease. For now, let's get out of here. I quickly wrap the head and place it in the box that I had prepared beforehand. Quickly taping it, I ran out of the alley. I was a mile from the mail post, I would be able to get home by dark.

"Oof!" I slammed into someone, rubbing my head, I looked up to see who it was.

"Hey kiddo, what are you up to?" Luke said, smiling at me

I look up at him " Listen, Luke, there's something you need to know about Liu."

"What's that?" He looks me up and down

"Liu didn't commit suicide, he was murdered."

Luke stiffens "what?"

"I know, but don't worry, I'm so close to finding out who did it. Then I'll go to the police." I said

"I see." He stammers as he says this, I believe from shock that Liu was actually murdered.

"I'll see you later Luke." I ran off, waving behind me.

I pushed my box through the mail post and headed back home. Runing into my room, I logged into my computer.

RH24: I sent the package, dunno when it'll get to you

Mr. Know-It-All: I'll have your information in two days time

RH24: Kay

I smiled as I pushed back my chair.

"Cody! Ms. Anabel is here!" My mom shouts

"Kay!" I bounce up and head towards the kitchen

"Hey, darling, sorry I haven't been around." She pulls me into a tight hug

"That's fine." I hugged her back.

"Lets have dinner. shall we?" My mother leads us into the kitchen.

I looked at Ms. Anabel, remembering the promise I broke in the first week. I hope she can forgive me. If she even gets the chance.