Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Rained poured down all around me, I still couldn't believe he was dead. My brother, Liu Millard, dead. Everyone thinks he committed suicide, but I know that he didn't. He wouldn't leave me alone. He promised that he wouldn't, he made a promise to come and get me. He lied. I know I can't blame him for dying, but I can blame his murderer. The police, as well as everyone else think he committed suicide, so they won't investigate the matter, so I will. I will find out who killed him, and I will avenge him.
I don't know where I'll begin, or how I will even find the guy who did this, but I won't stop until I do. I will use any means necessary to find the culprit, even if I have to kill or be killed trying. I look down at my brothers grave. It was dull, had barely any words inscribed on it. This was because my family is too poor for anymore words. Not like they'd care anyways. I blinked, trying not to let the tears fall, but there was only so much I could do to keep myself from crying. I look up at the sky, where the full moon hovered above me. Are you up there, brother? Is there really a heaven where you can rest?
I looked back at his grave. I hope that when my time comes, I can meet you there, wherever you are, but before I do that, I have to find your killer.
"Cody, come back home, you'll catch a cold standing in the rain like that." I look over and see Mrs. Anabel, our neighbor. She was the only one who ever cared about me and Liu, who looked after us when our parents were drunk. She had this kind old lady look, with her dyed brown hair pulled into a bun. She was wearing a raincoat and was holding an umbrella.
"Yes ma'am." I obediently walk over to her and get under the umbrella.
"Oh, Cody, I'm so sorry that this happened to you." She whispered
"Death takes anyone it wants, whether we want it to or not." I replied
My brother was 18, he would've been turning 19 in a few months. Me and Mrs. Anabel had decided to throw him a party, but we can do that anymore.
"Dear, do you still want a party for your birthday? 16 is a very important age you know." She said, giving me a sideways glance
A party? That would be nice, but at the moment, the thought of having one made me sick. It would bring memory's. I never had a party without Liu, this would be the first one he wouldn't be at.
"Um, yea that would be nice." I was trembling, either from the cold or the fear of never seeing Liu ever again. Mrs. Anabel guessed it was the latter.
"Losing a loved one is hard, my dear, but you'll need to get through it." She put her arms around me, a act to comfort me.
"I know, but I can't get over it right now." I murmur
She nods " I understand."
"Mrs. Anabel, did Liu commit suicide or was he murdered?" I look at her, she would know he would never take his own life.
She stopped as well, and looked at me with sad eyes, " They said he committed suicide, do I believe it? No. He was such a happy child and would always tell me or you anything. Life was going so good for him, there was no point in him taking his life, but he did. I believe it was a murder. But what can an old women like me do?"
"There are so many people who think he took his own life, I know he didn't but they say he did." I swallow my tears, Mrs. Anabel really believes the same as me.
"I know, but right now, unless there is more proof, we have to just deal with the fact that he 'committed suicide'" She used quotations with her hands to show she didn't believe it nor did she like it.
For the rest of the way to her house, we barely spoke. When we finally got to her house, she stopped me.
"Cody, I know that losing your brother is hard and you want to bring the guy who did it to justice, but its way too dangerous. I want you to promise me that you won't do anything unless you talk to the police and promise me that you will stay in school." She said all of this with a stern voice
"I promise" I wince as the lie stings my throat.
End of chapter
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey there Col3! I hope you're having a good day!
Damn, this is a rather strong chapter. It's pretty well written, and definitely manages to hook the reader. It's good that this chapter leaves us with enough questions to make us want more.
On to specific feedback!
This is known as a dangling modifier/sentence; you have two phrases that are forced into one sentence by the comma, but they have nothing tying them together. It's grammatically off; you need to replace the comma with a fullstop. Or I suggest removing the part about the rain entirely; add it later.
*Has, not had, since you've opted to write in the present tense.
You need fullstops after each line here!
I do like this part though.
That's... rather insensitive of her to say so soon
Also, it's *an* act, not a act.
There are some more errors with punctuation, but I think pointing them out individually isn't really going to help you very much! I fo suggest running this through Google docs to allow autocorrect to fix up some things.
On the whole, a nice and solid starting point to the rest of the story! I hope to get to it tomorrow and the rest of this week
Have fun writing!
~Lee
Hello!
'Rained poured' - 'Rain poured''
Okay, strong start but it feels a bit detached that you mention the rain then jump straight into the character's thoughts. Maybe situate the character? Where are they? So the reader can feel grounded in the story before we get sucked into backstory.
'too poor for anymore words' - 'any more words'
If the family is too poor to have the gravestone engraved but they still got a stone? The gravestone alone is pretty expensive - especially if they didn't really care.
You seems to jump between past and present tense a lot. Figure out which tense you want your story to be set it and make sure you stay in it. Seems most is in past.
'but we can do that anymore.' - 'but we can't to do that anymore'
'It would bring memory's' - 'It would bring memories'
Overall, strong start. We get a sense of what the story will be about - Cody playing detective to find his brother's killer - and you haven't introduced too many characters right away, which I see a lot and makes things confusing.
A nice, simple beginning.
Hope this helps
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! Also ooooh, I see you joined pretty recently! Welcome to YWS!! I hope you enjoy it here!!
First Impression: Okayy..as far as the first bit of a novel goes, this is great. The part that really drew me in at first was the whole supernatural aspect and the title of this story, and then now this makes for a really strong opening paragraph and the whole supernatural situation isn't even mentioned yet, so this is off to a strong start I'd say with quite a bit of promise.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...a strong message to start on there. Definitely a great way to get a reader's attention with what appears to be this person's sibling getting murdered and no one actually investigation said murder. As a reader you definitely questions from a situation like this and I think it makes for a good start here.
Hmm, I love this little dive into some emotion here next to the grave. That's a lovely moment actually, cause now we get a nice glimpse into the effect this has on this person. Its perhaps a little muted, probably from it being some time since the murder happened but you can detect some genuine sadness there and its a good way to let us know just how strong of a relationship these two might have had.
Okayy...well it looks like perhaps we're meeting another important player in this story with that one. The way you just very casually slip in a backstory detail there about parents who don't appear to be very good at parenting is a nice little touch that maybe shows why this person would have an even stronger connection to their brother.
OOoh, now that's another nice touch. Its not just a nice sneaky way to bring up the matters of the ages for both of them, but it also gives a little more weight to the death of this person and that really lets you feel a bit more emotion for them, cause I mean, usually when people die in the first part of a story you don't really feel it cause you don't really know them as a character, but by tapping into moments like this is how you really try and bring that across and I think you're doing it wonderfully.
Hmm, well, I like this conversation quite a bit here. You can see the genuine care that Mrs. Anabel clearly has for both of these siblings and also you can see how she very easily reads their emotions which shows how close they are. These are all lovely little details to see right at the start of a story.
OKayy...so they both agree on the "its not suicide" train which means that's almost confirmed by this point to be the truth...so definitely throwing that mystery wide open here, and now there's a lot of room to potential have some kind of investigation get launched on the part of these two although it looks like Mrs. Anabel has already given up on ever proving the truth there.
Okayy....well that's the typical thing to see in a lot of these stories...xD. The adult figure confirms the suspicions of the young protagonist but they warn them not to do anything silly and get in trouble, but of course they will cause that is the story. Its a tried and tested method, but I do like it, it makes for a fun end to this beginning here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I liked it. The characters were good, the emotions felt real, if slightly muted, which I chalked up to time, but of course if this murder was a more recent affair I'd expect slightly stronger emotions from these two and also predictable but fun conclusion there towards the end.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you! I appreciate this feedback
You're Welcome!!