Young Writers Society

E - Everyone

Fluffs (part3)

by ChocoDanish

Chapter 1

“Did you manage to find them?” asked Jasmine still pouting. “No, Fang have a very skilled magic caster blocking my enhanced tracking skill with a barrier”, Streifen answered slothfully. “So, what do we do?” Jasmine questioned they in concerned.

“Need some high level item to detect the source of the barrier and hopefully weaken the source”, they answered Jasmine sluggishly. Streifen bought high level detection items and Jasmine prepared herself to fight powerful magic casters or worse Fang.

But the actual source of the barrier is much more terrifying than those two combine. Jasmine can’t stop herself shaking in fear in front of her was the most fearsome creature in the whole wide world, a ball of fluff.

Fluffs are frightening because even a low level fluff can cast a strong barrier and have high damaging attacks. It be an instant kill for new contestants like herself. If she dies here, she be reincarnated at their base. Alice won’t be able to teleport her back here.

“Hmm…, a leaf fluff was the source of the barrier and it looks high level too”, they stated lazily without a hint of fear. Jasmine looked at Streifen in disbelief and pure shock. “That fluff has a level fifty skill tree”, Jasmine pointed out in panic to them.

“Well, it a good thing I have a fire and crystal fluff skill tree that’s around level seventy”, they said slothfully. Jasmine jaw dropped in bewilderment. She thought that Streifen was some rich person that buys high level equipment but have trashy skills.

She was wrong, taming any type of fluff takes a lot of time and effort. They might look cute but they are the most rowdy creature out of all the creatures. A lot of contestants gave up on raising them and release them back into the wilderness. Jasmine prepared herself for battle “Alright, let’s do this”, she said to them enthusiastically.

Then, they summoned the fire and crystal fluff then, they engaged in a fight with the leaf fluff. Each fluffs elemental attributes are shown on top their heads. The leaf fluff has cream colored fur, green sparkling eyes and a green leaf facing down on its head. The fire fluff was all red and has a small flame on its head.

The crystal fluff was all pink with bushy eyebrows and a few crystals on its head. Next to Streifen, Jasmine was providing support with fire vines to restrain while causing some damage to the leaf fluff. The fire fluff attacked the leaf fluff with lava spit and the crystal fluff created a shield to ward off attacks for ten turns.

Jasmine followed up those attacks with a fire hail spell towards the leaf fluff. The leaf fluff counterattack with a barrage of poison leaf spear. Streifen used a healing spell to treat any physical and or status damages. But then, the leaf fluff used tree basher skill and Jasmine suffered heavy damage which led to her demise.

Thankfully, Streifen have a powerful reincarnating spell which brought Jasmine back to life and healed her fully. “That was much appreciated”, Jasmine thanked Streifen. “That took a good amount of my mana”, they stated lethargically. “How long will it take you to recover?” questioned Jasmine towards them.

“At least two minutes, so I’ll attack physically”, Streifen answered while taking the dagger from the strap at their low right arm. Streifen swiftly attack the leaf fluff with its dagger five times then, a follow up lash with its titanium tail. Jasmine used fire hail once more and lava spikes on the leaf fluff after Streifen attacked it.


Chapter 2

The leaf fluff used healing roots on itself which healed its health fully. “Damn it”, Jasmine cussed. “It ok, we still can fight”, Streifen yawned at Jasmine. Jasmine calmed down and restrain the leaf fluff once more with fire vines.

Then, Jasmine’s bracelet glowed indicating she can learn a new skill. Jasmine had to choose between lava wave and fire cyclone. “Don’t take too long to think”, they said to Jasmine lazily while using the crystal fluff to shoot magma crystal spears at the leaf fluff.

She chose fire cyclone skill and used it on the leaf fluff instantly. The leaf fluff was burnt and stuck in the fire cyclone vortex. The fire fluff continued its barrage of fire spit with the crystal fluff crystal shards attack on the leaf fluff.

She could feel the barrier surrounding the island weakening. “I’m able to detect our comrades’ exact location but they are in separate location”, Streifen said lethargically while using their enhanced tracking skills.

She knew it was dangerous to separate in this situation so she had to choose between the three accordingly. “Can you detect the weakest one?” questioned Jasmine. “Yeah”, Streifen answered slothfully.

“This way”, Streifen said sluggishly to Jasmine before taking off. Jasmine was barely keeping up with their speed. “The site is underground and the entrance is heavily guarded”, Streifen stated lazily.

“Can’t you use your cloaking spell?” questioned Jasmine to them. “Nope, the place is armed with magic nullifying items”, Streifen yawned sluggishly. “So what do we do?” questioned Jasmine in a panicked voice. “I’ll try to negotiate with Fang”, Streifen answered lazily.

She gulped in uneasiness at the plan. They head to the location and Streifen demanded to meet with Fang in his usual lazy manner. The guards escorted them to a small room with a small round table and a few chairs. Moments later, Fang appeared out of thin air which surprised Jasmine.

“Settle down girl”, Fang said while snickering at the fear in Jasmine’s eyes. Jasmine ears flopped down while taking a seat with an obvious pout on her face. Fang and Streifen took their respective seats at the same time. “Let’s see if you can offer me something interesting Streifen”, Fang said while emphasizing on Streifen’s name.


Chapter 3

“A poison fluff and a dragon fluff for all three of your captive”, Streifen offered slothfully. Streifen lazy attitude in high pressure situation really irks Fang but he will not show it. “Very well”, Fang said calmly with an eerie smile.

She shivered in terror at the sight. “I’ll give them to you once we are off your island safely and sever any connection to you”, Streifen sluggishly yawn behind the bone head mask. “Very well”, Fang stated once more but with a malicious aura around him and a fiendish smirk.

“If you break this deal, there will be harsh consequences”, Streifen reminded him in a lazy manner. They came to an understanding and left the meeting room. Streifen and Jasmine waited for their comrades on Streifen’s sailboat.

They saw their comrades shackled in neck, wrist and ankle chains. Kage was badly battered while Virgil and Spiral only have minor cuts and bruises. Jasmine vigilantly watch their surroundings for a surprise attack or ambush.

Once, their comrades arrived near Streifen’s sailboat they were released from their chains. Spiral and Virgil helped Kage onto the sailboat. When, they were safely aboard the sailboat, Streifen set sail while Jasmine still warily kept a lookout for any sign of trouble.

They manage to get out of Fang’s territory safely and made their way to the water area. “Treat their wounds”, Streifen said lazily from behind its mask. “Right”, Jasmine agreeing with Streifen and beginning to treat Kage’s injuries.

There was a heavy awkward silence between Spiral and Virgil. Virgil broke the silence first, “I’m sorry for not being much help”, Virgil apologized. “No, I was probably the one that triggered the traps”, Spiral said remorsefully.

“I think it’s a good thing that all of you survived without considerable damage to yourselves physically or mentally”, Streifen stated in an apathetic but serious manner. “Yeah, Fang may not look like it but he is a sadistic guy”, croaked Kage in pain.

“Why did you get involve with Fang?” asked Virgil as kindly as possible. “My family wasn’t a multinational company but we did have a few franchise chains here and there. One day Fang came and was about to take my family business away. I offered myself so that Fang would spare my family business”, Kage explained.

“Get some rest”, Jasmine stated after she finish treating Kage. Jasmine went to treat Spiral’s and Virgil’s minor injuries. They relaxed a little bit and watch the beautiful aurora night sky with countless bubbles of different sizes float around in the sky.


Chapter 4

In the distance, they were able to see some round cottages with cedar thatched roofs that looked like pine cones. Each of the cottages were encased by their own individual bubbles. “I have a friend in the area”, Virgil stated breaking momentary peace.

“Try to contact your friend and setup a meeting”, Kage suggested while resting. “Alright”, Virgil agreeing with Kage’s suggestion. Virgil attempted to get in contact with Ar a grass slime but to no avail.

“My friend seems to be busy at the moment, I’ll call again later”, Virgil said. “We should find lodging as soon as possible”, Jasmine point out. Just as the others were about to nod in agreement, Spiral interrupted “I don’t have the proper documents to enter the water area”.

“That is a dilemma, Spiral can’t get the documents unless her skill tree is at least level five. Spiral’s skill tree is only at level one because she didn’t have the chance to go hunting and gather experience”, Virgil stated.

“Then, we should head to the ice area”, Streifen said slothfully. “Ice area is a mini area near the water area right?” questioned Jasmine. “Yeah”, Streifen yawned. The ice area is a small rural town that is at the outskirts of the water area.

In contrast to the busy city of the water area, the ice area has a much lower level requirement for entry. “It would take a few days, to get to the ice area port”, Streifen said lethargically. “Do we have enough supplies?” questioned Virgil.

“Yeah”, Streifen answered sluggishly. “Then, one of you get me something to eat and drink”, Kage commanded. “You should be nicer to the people that rescued you” Jasmine scolded Kage and he scoffed at that.

She pouted and smacked his right shoulder. “Please”, Kage said jokingly. Jasmine glared at Kage which seems to only amuse him. She huffed and turn away from him to look at the vast ocean.

Spiral brought Kage, his food and beverage. Kage grinned at Spiral happily then started eating. Virgil watched the exchanged and saw the way Kage can interact with any being with ease.

He sighed at his lack of interacting skills. “He became a guarded because of ill-intent and two-faced beings he had to deal with in his life. Spiral has not been through such things in her life. She led a simple life till that incident was dragged into this mess without a choice in the matter.

All the other contestant are better prepared than her even the new ones. Sometimes a new contestant can defeat a veteran one. Spiral needs to get stronger and wiser even if he has to train her harshly. It’s better than dying and or becoming someone else’s slave”, Virgil grimace at the last part of the thought.

As they approach closer to the ice area, the air around them became colder. Everyone except Streifen shivered as the chilled air hit them because of their white tiger fur. “Changed to the appropriate clothing or die from hypothermia cause it will only get colder”, Streifen said sluggishly.

Everyone except for Spiral had clothes to handle the ice area effects. None of them can lend Spiral a pair because all their skill tree level is abundantly higher than hers. Streifen noticed that and asked Jasmine in their usual slothful manner to cast a protection spell till they can go to an armor shop on land. 

After they had changed into their ice area outfits at the speed of sound, Jasmine began to cast the protection spell on Spiral and recast every two minutes when the spell wears off. Everyone especially Virgil was on edge if Jasmine mana was enough to last until they reach their destination or not.

If it was the latter both of them would suffer tremendously. The moment the boat reached the ice area port, Virgil lifted Spiral bridal style and sprinted into town. “Phew, thank goodness my mana lasted till we reach the port”, Jasmine sighed in relief.

“Well, we should find a lodge and get some proper rest before heading out for a quest”, Kage stated while holding his arms up. “I’m not gonna carry you”, Jasmine said with a huff. “Neither am I”, Streifen said lazily. “Awe, your words wound me”, Kage said while putting a dramatic display of being wounded.


Chapter 5

Virgil burst into the armory shop while carrying Spiral. He quickly purchased a set of ice area beginner armor for Spiral. “Could you put me down so that I can change into the armor?” Spiral asked feeling uncomfortable being carried by Virgil.

Virgil carefully set her down. Spiral went to the changing room with her new ice area beginner armor. Virgil waited for Spiral at the armory shop lounge. “Would you like a drink or a meal Sir?” questioned the lurker bartender.

“No, thanks”, Virgil politely decline. Moments later, “I’m done changing”, Spiral said to Virgil as she entered the lounge. “I’ll contact Jasmine”, Virgil stated. Virgil texted Jasmine that they have obtained an armor for Spiral.

Jasmine text him back that their group found lodging at Snowflake inn. The trip there would take a few hours. As they made their way to the inn, they passed some shops and stalls. So they stopped to buy some food and drinks. Spiral was enjoying the foreign delicacies since she never had such luxuries before. After that, they continued to walk through the street and there were some contestants trying to trade and or sell their stuff with other contestants. 

If they had managed to get in the water area it would have been a billion times busier. A cute and small female dandelion plant in a white strapless sundress with gossamer cicada-like wings and cheese puff-like hair approached her trying to sell accessories. She declined the cute plant hybrid. Then another creature approached her. It was male fox hybrid, he greeted her. She greeted back while Virgil was glaring at the contestant. “Wanna be friends?” questioned the fox hybrid with a sly grin. “No, thanks”, Spiral declined as politely as possible while feeling uncomfortable about the situation.

“Okay”, the male fox hybrid said before leaving with a displeased look on his face. “Careful who you befriend, some low level contestants just mooch of higher level ones”, he lectured her. “I understand”, she sighed tiredly. She knows those kind of people well, that’s the very reason she is ostracized by society. She didn’t associate with people that only see others as tools for their own gain and wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice or betray anyone.

They walked in silence after that, mulling over their own thoughts. As the sun began to set, they saw the Snowflake inn signboard in the distance and made their way there. The Snowflake inn like most building in the ice area look like a small castle made of glass covered in different styles of frost and or snowflakes.


Chapter 6

They went inside and check in at the front desk. Before they went to their separate rooms, “I never intended to demean you, I might be overprotective of you but that is because you weren’t born into this life of the obligation to participate in the tournament and it scares me that horrible things might befall on you” he sincerely apologize to her.

“I know and I’m grateful but it also constantly reminds me of my uselessness. Even though Jasmine just join, she contributed more than I did”, she said despondently. “That is because she was born into this life, she just like Streifen, Kage and I was groomed for tournament”, he explained to her.

“Guess I have to work extra hard not be a burden to you all”, she said with a small smile. “You need to know your limits, rushing in without a plan is dangerous”, he advised her with concern look. “I’m sorry for always making you worry”, she said on the verge of tears. “I’ll always worry about you just take better care of yourself from now on”, he requested bashfully. She nodded with a small blush tinting her face. “Right, we should get some rest for tomorrow”, the words tumble out of her mouth in her flustered state.

“Yeah, night”, he agreeing with her. Virgil was glad that his relationship with Spiral improve a bit. Alice would be proud of him if she were here. It has been awhile since his last visit to ice area. He reminisced a little bit before going to sleep.

Virgil was sharing a room with Kage while Spiral was sharing a room with Jasmine and Streifen was staying in a room of its own. The next morning, the sun rays glittered through the buildings and waking its occupants.

Kage burst into Spiral’s and Jasmine’s room shouting “Wake up already”. Jasmine was cussing him in hybrid language while Spiral was yawning and rubbing sleep gunk off her eyes. Kage merely grinned and waited for them to get out of bed.

Then, they went to meet up with Streifen and Virgil at the inn’s dining hall. Jasmine’s stomach grumbled at the scent of food and Kage laughed at that. “I can’t help it if I’m hungry”, Jasmine defended.

“Yeah, yeah, you did use up a lot of mana yesterday”, Kage agreeing with her in a sarcastic manner. “C’mon let’s get something to eat and drink”, Spiral said. “Kay”, both of them said in unison but Jasmine with less energy than Kage.

Once they got their meals and refreshments, they went to take a seat at the table with Virgil and Streifen. “We should discuss battle formations”, Virgil stated after everyone has finished eating. “Well I’m a tanker type of person”, Kage said cheerfully while striking a pose of a single thumbs with a huge grin on his face.

“I’m a support mage”, Jasmine said casually with a smile. “I’m still figuring it out”, Spiral said nervously. “I’m a support too”, Streifen yawned. “I’m an attacker”, said Virgil. “So, Spiral you should stay at the back with Jasmine and Streifen”, Virgil said to her. “Alright”, Spiral agreeing with Virgil.


Chapter 7

Then, they went to prepare for their quest. They stopped by a potion shop and looked around. Picking potions is as hard as picking an armor or an equipment. Plus, a potion cost depends on the area even though the potion is the same type, it may cost more in certain area.

The high prices for the potions were scaring Spiral but the nonchalant attitude of her team members buying lots of these expensive potions scare her more. After they finish purchasing the potions, the left the shop and then each of them gave her half of their potions.

She blushed at her teammate’s kindness and will do her best not to be a hindrance. “Do any of you need to go to the equipment shop?” Virgil asked the group. “Nope”, all of them replied.

“Alright, let’s head to the forest outside of town, there should be some decent level creatures there”, Virgil said. Today Streifen is using a genderless cotton fluff. Streifen’s mind has taken over the cotton fluff’s body. A cotton fluff body is green and its elemental attribute on its head looks like a white afro.

Virgil is using his newly acquired lurker. Lurkers can morphed into any shape they chose. The variety and strength of the shape is depending on the individual skill tree level.

Kage is using a female plant humanoid which shock the group. Jasmine glared at Kage’s female plant busty chest. His female plant has bushy hair, tree roots intertwining into long arms and claws.

Long leaves and tree roots barely cover his female plant private areas. There are also some that are jutting out of the knee area. She and Spiral haven’t caught any creatures yet to be used for battle. They began their journey to the forest.

“Sometimes creatures appear on roads, so be on guard”, Virgil stated to the group without actually making eye contact with them. Everyone nodded in response except for Streifen. It couldn’t nod in its cotton fluff form since it’s a ball of fluff with tiny wings. It can’t fly but it can fart to propel it upwards.

So it yawned a response instead “Yeah”. The forest was filled with thick layers of snow, Spiral was the only one that had trouble moving around. “Kage help me set up camp”, Virgil said as he felt the air around them becoming colder.

With the skills of a plant and lurker, they made a hut. Streifen provided the beds and pillows with the cotton fluff skill. Kage prepared their meal with his plant skills. Jasmine and Spiral were only able to watch from the sidelines.

Once Kage was done preparing, they began to eat. “Crystals usually roam this area and catching them would help you financially”, Kage said while munching his food. “Don’t talk with your mouth full”, Jasmine scolded Kage.

Kage then obnoxiously chewed his food. Jasmine huffed in annoyance and continued eating her food. “Are you in a guild Streifen?” questioned Spiral. “Nope”, Streifen lazily answered. “How did you meet Kage?” questioned Jasmine curiously.

“We met at a park in the grass area”, it answered slothfully. “Yeah, I was looking for plants to capture and that place is always filled with people and creatures, it’s a good place to get info”, Kage explained.

“There are tons of other hot spots in other areas too”, Virgil said to them. “Are there any in this area?” asked Jasmine. “There is a few, we will visit them later”, Virgil told her. Both Jasmine and Spiral never left Metro until now so they are excited they can explore other areas.


Chapter 8

Even though it is dangerous, sometimes in life you need to take risks. But needless risks will just cause more harm than good. “Time to get our snooze on”, Kage said before plopping into bed. “That guy sure knows how to make a scene”, Jasmine gripe.

“Thank you”, Kage exclaimed with a grin at her. “It wasn’t a compliment you dolt”, she huffed angrily. “But it actually is since he is a tanker type, he needs to get the enemies to focus on him”, Virgil explained.

“Why are taking his side Virgil?” Jasmine pouted at him. He felt uncomfortable being in the middle of her fight with Kage. “I’m not taking anybody’s side”, he defended. Jasmine glared at Virgil in disbelief.

“Jasmine you shouldn’t lash out at people without a good reason”, Streifen advised Jasmine. “He is so annoying”, Jasmine grumbled. “Jasmine, you shouldn’t let people provoke you so easily”, Virgil lectured.

“He is right”, Spiral agreeing with Virgil. She angrily ignored them and went to sleep. “We should get some sleep too”, Virgil sighed tiredly. “Night”, Streifen said before going to sleep. “Is this group going to be okay?” Spiral questioned him in worry.

“I have no idea, we just have to see how it goes”, Virgil answered her. “Alright, night”, Spiral said with a hint of worry in her voice. Virgil studied his new lurker body before going to sleep. The next day, “Wake up”, Kage exclaimed frantically.

“What’s the matter Kage?” Virgil asked groggily. “Jasmine is gone”, he answered frenziedly. Virgil became fully alert and so is Spiral. Then, there was a ping from Spiral’s bracelet. It was a message from Jasmine.

Hey, went out hunting with Streifen at Icy Lake. Call us when you wake up if we are not back yet by then.

Spiral told the others about the message and called Jasmine after that. “In a fight right now”, Jasmine said hurriedly before ending the call. “We should head to Icy Lake”, Spiral said to them while anxiously fidgeting. They both agreed with Spiral and started their journey for Icy Lake. Upon their arrival, they saw that Streifen and Jasmine were pinch fighting a flock of baby water slimes. They quickly went to aid their companions. It was an intense battle but they manage to defeat an entire herd of baby water slimes.

“Let’s rest before continuing to grind”, Kage suggested with a smile. They agreed with Kage’s suggestion and set up a new campsite in the vicinity. “Hey!” an unfamiliar called out to them. They turned to the origin of the voice and saw a Midnight Sheep. A Midnight Sheep is a rare hybrid because the hybrid is near extinction. “This is my hunting ground, what are you disgusting adventurers doing here!” the Midnight Sheep exclaimed to them.  


Author Note: Chapter 8 is W.I.P and there is a borrowed a line from @graphiteshimmer @DemonGoddess in Chapter 5

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1272 Reviews

Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:15 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...

Hello, here as requested.

I feel you've gotten a lot of discussion on the mechanics of the story and how to improve the nitty-gritty of this, so I won't rehash what was previously said. I also noticed in your request you wanted writer's block help, so I'm going to try and walk you through how to get from what you currently have to a more polished draft.

Step 1: Realize early drafts are just you telling the story to yourself.

Right now, you have everything written out very plainly and straightforward, getting to the core of the emotion and what needs to get across. This is something I call a "notes draft" because it is, in essence, all your writing and plot notes in one place.

Step 2: Characterize, characterize, characterize.

Now that you have all the notes and adverbs and things you want to get across written down, you need to figure out how each individual character would express themselves.

I usually start with body language, since body language is about 50% of communication. Does a person's spine go rod-straight when they're angry? Do they cry involuntarily when sad? Are they more likely to repeat themselves, stutter, or go silent when tired? These are the body reactions you put around the dialogue to let us know who these people are.

Next up is the dialogue itself. People rarely say exactly what they mean, exactly how it needs to be said, in exposition-perfect lines. I'd take a look at Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro and Linguistics and Dialogue, Application to get a better idea of how to work your dialogue into something that sounds like multiple individual people (because nobody speaks exactly the same way, even people who speak remarkably similarly).

Give the characters their own personalities and shift your focus from "what needs to happen for plot" to "how would they react to something?" You might end up changing some plot events, but it's for the better. Trust me.

3- Description.

Give them a place to live, and a world to interact with. I'm noticing you're very thin on the description when there's dialogue, which leads to talking heads. This makes it harder to connect and really get immersed in the world, which is critical for generating attachment to the characters. If we don't know exactly what they're reacting to, we can't react, ourselves.

There are a bunch of articles on description you can read to brush up on your skills. For me, I focus on making sure the description has a "character" to it, as well, so you can feel emotion from the description.

4- Rewrite with all this in mind.

Yes... it will take a rewrite. Because between characterizing the individuals and hammering out what the setting looks like, you'll probably realize that you need to change a lot. It's much less painful in the long term to completely start over, so you can really let all the work you did figuring the people out flourish.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.


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1085 Reviews

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Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:42 am
Mea wrote a review...

Hello! I'm here to finally do the review you requested from me. First off, I apologize sincerely for the delay in getting this review to you. It's been a pretty crazy week and I haven't had a free half hour to write this review. But I'm here now!

First, I'd like to echo what previous reviewers have said about being careful not to accidentally switch between past and present tense as well as your dialogue formatting. I noticed you only switch when describing the current state of something in the story, such as with "In the distance, they are able to see some round cottages with cedar thatched roofs that look like pine cones. Each of the cottages are encased by their own individual bubbles." This might sound counterintuitive, but even though you're describing the current state of something in the story, you still need to use past tense, because the whole story is past tense. So those lines should read:
"In the distance, they were able to see some round cottages with cedar thatched roofs that looked like pine cones. Each of the cottages were encased by their own individual bubbles."

I really like your story! I love stories where you take a game and turn every aspect of it into a real, literal part of the world, down to the health points and mana. I like how your characters are already showing their personalities and how they work together as a team in differing ways.

The biggest weakness here, as I think you've already guessed, is the pacing. Your story moves far too quickly for these beginning few chapters. I feel like I know almost nothing about any of the characters except for Streifen, Jasmine, and Kage. I want to know who these people are - how old are they, where do they live, what do they do every day? Is this sort of adventure normal for them? What are their hopes and dreams?

To be honest, my first drafts often are like this - I just want to get to all the cool parts of my story so much that I skip past all of the exposition and character development that goes in the first third of the story. I have to go back and remind myself to *always* look at it from the perspective of someone who's never read the story before and ask myself if things make sense. Readers need time to get to know the characters and to have the world explained to them. They also need to have the setting described, because even though we have the scene imagined perfectly in our heads, they can't read our minds.

But if you slow down and take your time, the readers can get to know your characters. It allows you to inject a lot more emotion into your scenes, something you do imply in their dialogue, but it's not nearly as clear as it could be if you described their body language and expanded the fight scenes and other intense scenes to include more of their thoughts/emotions.

Something that confused me sometimes was your usage of "they" - because it can also be a plural pronoun, especially during the fight I often wasn't sure whether you were saying both Streifen and Jasmine were doing something, or just Streifen was.

Something that bothered me throughout the story was how every single time Streifen spoke, it was this format: "Dialogue," said Streifen [lazily/slothfully/other synonym]. It got really repetitive and boring. I also don't understand what you were trying to convey with it, since a lot of the time the dialogue doesn't seem to indicate they're being lazy at all - are they just speaking slowly? Because "lazy" and the other adverbs you use carry a connotation I don't think you're intending. Is Streifen acting like he's too good for the situation and doesn't want to be there? I genuinely do not understand what you're trying to imply about Streifen's character. If everything they say is like this, you can probably explain at the beginning when they're first introduced that this is how they talk, and then leave it at that.

If you want to keep indicating that this is how he's feeling, change it up a bit, and not just by using a different synonym. Try describing their body language. Is Streifen leaning back in a chair when they say something "slothfully?" Are they rolling their eyes or sighing? In general, using too many adverbs is frowned upon, because instead you could be using strong, vivid verbs and adjectives to describe what's going on.

Not a bad start to a novel! Your biggest strength here is your world and the way you've incorporated every aspect of the game into it - again, it's really cool. Your cast of characters is also a big strength - even though I don't understand their backgrounds or how they came to know each other, their interactions feel realistic and definitely show their character. So don't sell yourself short when it comes to those strengths - take your time introducing the world and characters so the readers can be completely engrossed in your story.

I hope this review helped, and I apologize again for how long it took. Good luck, and keep writing!

ChocoDanish says...

streifen is well a tiger. when you see tigers u see them chilling n even when they prowl is like they have zero motivation. i dunno how to describe that. thank u for your feedback

Mea says...

That makes a lot more sense! I think the key is that once you've mentioned at the beginning that they're a tiger and described the way he stretches out lazily or prowls, you don't really need to do it again very often because the reader already has it in their mind that that's how Streifan is. To describe it the first time, consider using similies or metaphors, as well as body language. For example: "Streifan padded forward lazily, powerful muscles rippling under their coat of [whatever color] fur."

ChocoDanish says...

thx XDD

ChocoDanish says...

they is a term for intersex

Mea says...

Sort of. It was originally a gender neutral plural pronoun, used to refer to a group of people of any combination of genders. Since English lacks a singular gender neutral pronoun, people began using "they" as a singular pronoun as well. Unfortunately, that means it can sometimes be unclear whether you're referring to a singular intersex/other-gendered person or a group of people including said person. In some cases, it wasn't clear to me who you were referring to, which is why I commented on it.

ChocoDanish says...

right u only read this not my previous works

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Mon Aug 14, 2017 10:15 pm
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neptune wrote a review...

Hello, @kirishimaxbokuguo! neptune here to review your work! I will be splitting this review up by chapter, just to be a little more organized! Also, I understand that this is a 2nd Arc/chapter, so I may not get some of the things mentioned, just because I didn't read the previous one!

Chapter 1.

Already in the first paragraph, things seem a little disorganized and clustered. Try proof reading everything and make sure you break apart dialogue into multiple paragraphs, as IcyFlame mentioned in their review, I believe. It's not only a preferred format to write and break dialogue into paragraph alone, but it looks cleaner and nice to look at and makes more sense to the reader! :P Along with the thought of proof reading, make sure punctuation and wording is correct! I understand it may not be the final draft, but keep in mind for the future to do this.

"No, Fang have or is a very skilled magic caster blocking my enhanced tracking skill with a barrier”, Streifen answered slothfully.

This piece of dialogue was a mouthful! I was also slightly confused at what you were trying to say? Maybe try rephrasing this, unless I'm just reading it wrong! ;)
When I finished the first chapter, I was very intrigued by your idea! It kind of reminded me of a video -- how there are elemental attribute above the "fluffs'" heads. That being said, I would still add more detail and description about the setting and characters. A majority of your first chapter here is dialogue and the fighting the fluffs scene. Adding description would also increase the length of the first chapter (because it is pretty short by itself).

Chapter 2.

As I am getting further into your story -- the second chapter -- I notice that the dialogue isn't written in the correct format. Forgive me if I am wrong or if this is a mistake, but I believe that the quotation marks should be after the comma, period, question mark, or exclamation mark at the end of the dialogue, instead of this:
"Don’t take too long to think”, Streifen said lazily while shooting magma crystal spears at the leaf fluff.

If I am correct, make sure when editing to change this. :) While talking about this, I was puzzled with this piece of dialogue. Don't take long to think about what, exactly? I feel like I skipped an important part of information, but I can't find anything I may have skipped anywhere.
The leaf fluff is burnt and stuck in the fire cyclone vortex.

Try not to mix up past/present tense! I know this can become hard at times, but it makes things confusing if you switch back and forth.
“Yeah”, Streifen answered slothfully.

I notice you use the word slothfully a lot. I would try switching things up a bit, and use different verbs of speech in its place. Maybe this will help you think of some ideas!
Okay. So, what I think you should do is join up the first and second chapters into one -- they are both pretty short, and there wasn't really a proper ending/cliffhanger to the first chapter anyway, but the second chapter had a great ending.

Chapter 3.

"I think it’s a good thing that all of you survived without considerable damage to yourselves physically and or mentally”, Streifen said slothfully.

Take out the and, then keep or. If you really want to keep and in the sentence, write it like this: physically and/or mentally. Though, I wouldn't typically write that in my writing.
Again, this was a short chapter and I think it'd be best if you included some description of the scenery and Streifen's boat, like you did at the end of this chapter.
They relaxed a little bit and watch the beautiful aurora night sky with countless bubbles of different sizes float around in the sky.

Wonderful description of the sunset, but what are the "bubbles" that you mentioned? A type of creature?
You also have very many characters included in this one specific chapter, I kind of got overwhelmed. Not sure if you've already described what some of them look like in your First Arc, but make sure you mention their hair, eyes, skin, behavior, height, etc. I want to get to know your characters! :D

Chapter 4.

She pouted and smacked his right shoulder. “Please”, Kage said jokingly. Jasmine glared at Kage which seems to only amuse him. She huffed and turn away from him to look at the vast ocean.

Interesting to finally be seeing some attitude and behavior with two of your characters! It really builds up their persona.
In the bolded dialogue, I would bring the two paragraphs together, since it is the same part being spoken.
Everyone except Streifen shivered as the chilled air hit them. “Changed to the appropriate clothing or die from hypothermia cause it will only get colder”, Streifen said sluggishly.

Does he have some power to keep him warm that I don't know about? Or is it just because of his ability to tolerate cold climates? Perhaps try including something like:
If he was cold, Streifen didn't show it. His expression remained blank as he watched the others shiver.
Or something like that. Just to hint that he has that strength.
Jasmine have to recast the protection spell on Spiral every two minutes that it wears off.

She had to recast the protection spell, not have. And make sure to show, not tell. Describe more about Jasmine and how she is feeling, her strength at that moment, etc.
This chapter was actually a pretty good length, and I think it ended alright.

Chapter 5 & 6.

Virgil waited for Spiral at the armory shop lounge.

This would be your chance to describe Virgil's surroundings, and the bartender. It's nice to give the reader some elbow room to imagine scenery, but some imagery would help.
Not much to say int this chapter, though. I would have ended it differently, though -- I feel like you could've either kept going/joined this chapter with the next one.

On to chapter 6.
“Yeah, night”, he agreeing with her.

Is it already night? At the end of the last chapter, it was day time, and they had just woken up to eat breakfast! Or are you skipping time, unlike previous chapters?
"Wake up already”.

It seems as though this whole part that this piece of dialogue is in is repeated from the previous chapter? From this part on the rest of the chapter is repeating from the chapter before. Maybe try editing this out and/or changing it up a bit. ;)

Chapter 7.

They stopped by a potion shop and looked around.

Are they in some sort of shopping center?
It seemed to me this chapter was really information packed, with the potions and all. Just try to balance out the amount of facts and information with the fun and adventure! I loved reading about Jasmine and Kage, they seemed like they really had the most interaction, which I liked. It's definitely nice seeing characters talk aside from a big mission or quest.

Overall, I would definitely suggest proof reading (when you get to the final draft), fixing past tense and present tense, and adding more character description! A suggestion to work on your character development/description is to gather pictures on Pinterest or WeHeartIt, just to really get to know your characters with pictures of clothes they where, hair, looks, etc. I saw somewhere that it may help, and it might help you in this case to motivate yourself to describe them more in your writing.
Anyway, it was a pretty good several chapters! Try not to rush things, let this last for as long as you need it to take! Keep writing. :D


ChocoDanish says...

nope the bubbles are actual bubbles. please read that carefully.
As I am getting further into your story -- the second chapter -- I notice that the dialogue isn't written in the correct format. Forgive me if I am wrong or if this is a mistake, but I believe that the quotation marks should be after the comma, period, question mark, or exclamation mark at the end of the dialogue, instead of this:
"Don%u2019t take too long to think%u201D, Streifen said lazily while shooting magma crystal spears at the leaf fluff.
i don't understand what you mean. i think i wrote Jasmine lvling in there. thx for pointing out the time. my brain imagining things get ahead of my typing. when i reread things i'm like "damn i forgot to write that". that's the main reason for short chapters and weird time skip. Spacing is a personal issue for me. i begrudgingly paragraph.

ChocoDanish says...

nope the bubbles are actual bubbles. please read that carefully.
As I am getting further into your story -- the second chapter -- I notice that the dialogue isn't written in the correct format. Forgive me if I am wrong or if this is a mistake, but I believe that the quotation marks should be after the comma, period, question mark, or exclamation mark at the end of the dialogue, instead of this:
"Don%u2019t take too long to think%u201D, Streifen said lazily while shooting magma crystal spears at the leaf fluff.
i don't understand what you mean. i think i wrote Jasmine lvling in there. thx for pointing out the time. my brain imagining things get ahead of my typing. when i reread things i'm like "damn i forgot to write that". that's the main reason for short chapters and weird time skip. Spacing is a personal issue for me. i begrudgingly paragraph.

ChocoDanish says...

sorry for the spam i dunno how to delete it

neptune says...

when using quotation marks, usually i will put the question mark, period, comma, exclamation mark (or whatever is used) before the ending quotation mark. this is because i am/write in American English, but if you are British English than it IS right to have punctuation after the quotation mark, for example:
"No," I said. <--- correct form for American English
"No", I said. <--- correct form for British English
this depends where you live, whether British or American. hopefully this helps?

ChocoDanish says...

i'm asian XD

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Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:53 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...

Hi again!

Firstly, this is a much more appropriate length for a post and makes it way easier for me to read and review. So thanks for that.

I'm confused by you chapters here - why have you continued the story but started back again at number one? When you say second arc do you mean like a second book? (I'm just curious as to how you're laying it out.)

Your chapters are also very short. Of course, there's nothing set in stone that states your chapter has to be a particular length, but I'm not sure you need to start a new chapter each time you do. You can have multiple scenes within one chapter. It's completely up to you, but I think it would make it flow a little better.

I think we need to revisit the rules of speech. I did a quick internet search and this is the most concise and understandable way I found them written, so here:

The general rules of direct speech are:

- Each new character's speech starts on a new line.
- Speech is opened with speech marks.
- Each line of speech starts with a capital.
- The line of speech ends with a comma, exclamation mark or question mark.
- A reporting clause is used at the end (said Jane, shouted Paul, replied Mum).
- A full stop goes after the reporting clause.
- If the direct speech in the sentence is broken up by information about who is speaking, add in a comma or question mark or exclamation mark to end the first piece of speech and a full stop or another comma before the second piece (before the speech marks), for example: "It's lovely," she sighed, "but I can't afford it right now." / "I agree!" said Kate. "Let's go!"

You're currently still putting two people's speech into one paragraph and aside from it being grammatically incorrect, it makes it difficult to tell who is speaking. If you refer back to these rules when you're writing hopefully it will help you.

Be careful with your past/present tenses when you're writing. As an example, what you've written here is present when it should be in past to keep with the rest of your story.

But the actual source of the barrier is much more terrifying than those two combine. Jasmine can’t stop herself shaking in fear in front of her was the most fearsome creature in the whole wide world, a ball of fluff.

I can't help but feel you're rushing yourself here, trying to get through the story that you're missing out on what could be really great moments to write. The fight at the beginning gives you so much scope to write, yet you charge through it and it feels like half of it is missing. Try listening to some epic music (movie soundtracks are always good) and letting your mind get carried away. You can always refine later.

Hope this helps.

ChocoDanish says...

I'm terrible at fight scene. Yeah it a new book. The second arc is still W.I.P. I hate too much space. It a personal thing. I dunno why I hate it, just that I do. I explain more about the fluffs cause this entire or at least half of it is about it.

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables