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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

The Revolting Knights - Chapter One

by Chaser


A cowled man walked through mountains of gold, his bare feet kicking the coins aside. The torchlight reflected off of them a millionfold, making the lair shine with angry flares.

As he brushed past the mounds, his trailing hand knocked a few coins loose, and they rushed downwards in a cascading jackpot. On cue, the rest of the lair trembled as a great beast arose from her slumber.

It was a black-horned dragon, smaller than most, with unique purple scales that shimmered to burnished blue. She arose from her hoard and stomped forward, every step quaking the coins in her lair. Her eyes were sickly yellow, intelligent, and narrowed furiously in the man’s direction.

“You’ve come for my treasure,” the dragon rumbled, “But your bloodstained armor will make a fine addition to my collection.”

“Devil Dragon Mestra,” the man said, kneeling before her. “At long last, we meet.”

The dragon snorted, hot gusts of wind sweeping the stone floor and furling the man’s cloak. “Enough words. Remove your hood; I’ll savor your terrified expression before I kill you.”

Beneath his hood, the man smiled. “Of course.”

In one deft motion, he pulled the hood and the rest of the cloak off of his body, revealing bright red hair, a devilish grin, and beneath that, nothing else.

“W-what, wait!” The dragon reeled back hurriedly. “Why are you naked?”

“You said to remove my cowl before you killed me, didn’t you?” The man walked closer, driving the beast backwards.

“I’ve changed my mind!” the dragon shouted. “I won’t fight you until you put your clothes on!”

“Then we’re not fighting.” The man sat down cross-legged. “As you can see, I have no weapons. No muscle, either, so you’ve nothing to fear from me.”

“You could be a wizard,” the dragon pointed out.

“I could be a wizard,” the man agreed. “But I don’t have any channels or wards on me. If I tried an incantation, I’d just as easily mispronounce it and die. Besides, my tongue is for persuasion only - verbal or otherwise,” he purred, licking his fingers. “Devil Dragon Mestra, may I call you Mestra?”

“I couldn’t care,” Mestra replied. “What about you? Don’t you have some adventurer title to show off?”

“Official names get in the way, don’t you think?” The man shrugged. “For now, please call me Aidan. I’m not here to fight, but I am here regarding the gold.”

He rearranged himself politely, and slowly began to speak. “Mestra, in your heyday, when you roamed beyond this hoard, you were called the Scourge of Westland. You managed to accrue all of the gold in the kingdom, perhaps on the continent.”

“Your praise avails you nothing,” Mestra said, clearly enjoying the flattery.

Aidan smiled. “If I’m being honest, your tactics were ingenious. So ingenious that, in the end, you turned out to be the biggest idiot of them all.”

Mestra’s eyes narrowed. “What was that?”

The man had his head down, his eyes conniving as they stared up at her. “You kidnapped princesses, demanding a ransom from their kingdoms. There was, of course, a reason that they were willing to pay.”

Aidan swept his arms outward, gesturing to the gigantic mounds of gold that flooded the dungeon hall. “Every last piece of this gold is worthless!”

“Impossible!” Mestra roared. “It’s pure gold! I checked it myself!”

“Of course it’s pure gold!” Aidan roared back, cackling. “But I’m saying it’s still worthless! Because the world no longer accepts gold as currency! You couldn’t buy an apple with every ounce of this hoard!”

“No,” Mestra stammered, reeling in shock. “That can’t be true! Gold is treasure! It’s the greatest treasure on earth!”

“Idiot.” Aidan tapped the side of his head. “Money only has worth between a buyer and seller. You are neither, so of course you’d be cut off from the world.”

Mestra scowled. “Why should I care about the world?”

“Because that gold, Mestra, is precisely the reason you’ve grown insignificant.” Aidan chuckled. “Haven’t you noticed the lack of adventurers coming to fight you? Raring to be killed by you? Be honest, I’m the first one in years, aren’t I?”

If dragons could blush, Mestra would have. “But surely, the rest of my dungeon would attract-”

“The rest of your dungeon was demolished ages ago,” Aidan said. “You’re now living on the outskirts of Craventown, home of the double-hog haggis.”

Mestra stopped, her jaw dropping. As she stuttered, Aidan picked up a coin, letting the torchlight glint off of it.

“However, that doesn’t mean that your treasure is completely worthless. Quite to the contrary. There is a second reason that your gold is worthless, one that has some very interesting stories behind it.”

He flipped the coin up, letting the reflected light spin throughout the cavern. “Whenever gold is removed from your lair, anyone who possesses it is slowly turned into a dragon, like yourself. It’s a complex curse, one that can’t be undone by simple purification. In other words, it grants an indomitable strength, though it comes at a high mental cost.”

Aidan caught the coin in his fist, smiling coyly. “Let’s just say I’m able to pay that cost. I wish to acquire the power of the devil dragon,” he declared, “and in exchange, I’ll fill your hoard with as much actual money as I can acquire.”

“It looks like you’re the idiot,” Mestra scoffed, shaking her head. “That curse is too potent for you to resist. You’ll become a slavering beast, trying to make your own hoard.”

“It’s true that I can’t effectively counteract the devil dragon,” Aidan admitted. “Which is why I did a bit more research before coming here.

“When you collected the gold from the kingdoms as ransom, you did so through the use of portals to this dungeon, only large enough for offerings. If you could create such a portal for me, I could use the devil dragon’s power as I saw fit, returning the gold when my fight was up. This would also allow a direct conduit for your spoils.”

Mestra shifted herself on her pile and ground her teeth. “It’s...an intricate plan, to be sure. Still, I get the feeling I shouldn’t trust you.”

“Is it the nudity?” asked Aidan. “You know, in some cultures, it symbolizes equality.”

“Honestly, I think it’s more your personality that would make you do that,” Mestra muttered. “I want to know what you expect to gain from this.”

“I can’t give you my hopes and dreams or anything like that,” said Aidan, “but I will tell you what I intend to do with this power. And that is to murder Queen Vyria Macleod.”

“Vyria,” Mestra murmured. “Is that the adventurer that was going to defeat the demon king a while back? So, she became queen?”

Aidan nodded. “And a beloved one, too. Regardless, I’m after her head. So, what do you say, Devil Dragon Mestra?” He leaned forward, placing his hand out in welcome. “Ready to turn the world upside down?”

Mestra stared into his eyes, then snorted, turning away. “Absolutely not. I wouldn’t invest in someone willing to throw his own life away.”

Aidan frowned, standing up. “Really? It means I wouldn’t betray you.”

“It means you’d be worthless.” Mestra began to turn away. “Leave this place; take your gold and go berserk. You can kill the queen and die, but I need nothing from a dead man.”

“You’re mistaken,” Aidan snapped. He looked at the dragon with an imperceptible, shaking gaze. “When I murder the queen, I fully expect to survive the attempt. Before I take her head, I will double the size of your hoard, mark my words! That...is the purpose of Aidan.”

The devil dragon looked at him coldly, then spoke four words. “Hold out your hand.”

He did so, and without a word, she raised her claw and pressed it into his palm. Suddenly, Aidan trembled, his blood paling as a white-hot shock crackled inside him. It tore from his body in one burning scream, echoing through the cavern of gold.

------------------

A tall, wicker-limbed woman was standing outside the dungeon entrance, looking inconspicuous while checking for any witnesses to eliminate. Eventually, three patterned knocks came from inside the steel door.

“Were you successful?” she asked, opening the door to let Aidan come stumbling through.

Aidan wiped the sweat from his forehead, grinning. “It went through, however painfully.” He held up his palm to show a twisted insignia burned black into the flesh.

“The devil dragon mark,” the woman noted. “So you’ve become her acolyte?”

“More like an offering box, actually. I’ll wait until we get to the bar to try it out.” Aidan sucked in a breath and put his fists on his hips. “Isn’t this exciting, Quinta? The dragon’s slave and the warrior heiress, ready to tear up this kingdom.”

“There are still many preparations to be made,” Quinta pointed out. “As of now, we stand at two people against the kingdom Macleod. Our odds are indeterminate at best; we must build our forces.”

“I agree,” Aidan said. “But first, could you hand me my clothes? It’s rather cold out here.”

Quinta glanced downward. “You don’t say.”

Aidan laughed, scratching the back of his head. “Now you’re just hurting my feelings. Come on.” He pointed towards the lights in the distance, still smiling. “Let’s behead this sorry world!”


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47 Reviews


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Reviews: 47

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Fri Aug 10, 2018 6:23 pm
SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



I like this story. It's very intriguing. I like the way you write your characters and dialogue. Most of the time my dialogue is rubbish. You had my attention from the first sentence and the flow was magnificent. Nothing distracted from the main plot of the chapter. I'm really curious to know more about all that's going on. What does Aidan have against the Queen? And why is it so important that he risk his sanity and life to assassinate her? Will Mestra ever come back to the story? Who is Quinta?
Anyway, there's nothing I would really change, though you might want to clarify some things. One, when Quinta says "As of now, we stand at two people against the kingdom Macleod," it's kind of hard to understand what they're saying. I mean I get it. She's saying that she and Aidan are the only people plotting against the kingdom, that they know of. But it could definitely be better.
Also, the dragon seems way too trusting. He should be able to prove the gold thing to her. He should also have to enter into some kind of contract, unless she can control him, in which case it should be made clear.
I hope to review the rest of your chapters soon! Good luck!




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Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:56 pm
deleted221222 wrote a review...



Hi, I’m Thundahguy, and this is the first review I’ve done in a while, so I may be a bit out of it. Let’s just begin, shall we?

Going into this was a bit sudden. After all, there were about a hundred words before the start of the chapter’s action. It would help to make your ‘establishing shot’ a bit more descriptive in order to lead the reader into the start.

The middle part is overall fine. I feel like Aiden’s dialogue is a bit forced in his conversation when he’s confirming how Mestra obtained her gold. He loses the nuance and expression he had when he revealed himself to be in the nude. It could probably be worked to flow a bit while also still delivering enough information to the audience.

Overall, it’s a pretty good establishing chapter. I have no qualms on actual character. Aiden comes off as a cheeky yet persuasive character who we don’t really understand yet. Mestra seems like someone taken aback by his personality. Quinta isn’t really explored, but that’s to be expected with only 200 words to work with. The introduction to the plot is an interesting one to say the least. I’d say I enjoyed this chapter, and am looking forward to whatever you put out next.




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Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:56 am
soundofmind wrote a review...



Hey there Chaser!

This was super interesting to read! I loved all of the unexpected twists (at least, to me, lol) of for one, Aidan being naked beneath the cloak, and two, the gold being worthless as currency and having a curse! It's really super interesting and I want to read more!!! I felt like the amount of description/narration and dialogue was well balanced and the characters felt very real! Mestra might've seemed a little less intimidating that I would've expected a dragon to be (but I think it's just cause of how flustered she was, haha) but I liked that she didn't fall into one of those dragon stereotypes!

Aidan's personality has me curious! He definitely seems to be daring, confident, and has a persuasive manner about him. I have a feeling that the nude stunt might've just been to catch Mestra off guard and surprise her so that he could open up conversation. Which... is unconventional, to say the least, but certainly effective! Haha!

You did a great job of introducing some not-yet-seen but to-come antagonists! I want to know what the beloved Queen Vyria did to make Aidan and Quinta thirst for her blood and:

"...behead this sorry world!”

Which - I found to be a really creative and unique way of putting it. The wording seems super quotable and I really love it.

I also find it funny that apparently the entrance to Mestra's dungeon has a human-sized (I assume) steel door. Did she put that there? Is she eager to welcome and defeat people who've come to steal her treasure? Is she wishing for it, lol? I wonder what that says about Mestra.

I also have a question! Is there a reason that Aidan wants to double Mestra's fortune? Because I was thinking, unless he had to get the mark in order to enact the curse of stealing the gold, couldn't he just... nab a piece and leave with the curse?

I guess I just got a little confused about the logic here, and maybe it's because some of the way magic works in this world is going over my head. Which could just be me. But I'm wondering:

1. Does he need the mark to get the curse if the curse is tied to stealing the gold?
2. If not, what's the mark for?
3. How will the portals help him control the magic, since he said he can't counteract the curse? The way he explained it just sounded like it'd help him bring her money, not control the powers/curse.

Hopefully my questions make sense! But really, overall, this was a really fun chapter to read and I'd love to read more if/when you post them! If you have any questions about what I think of the story or what I said, feel free to ask, and as always, if you disagree with anything, take it or leave it!

BUT YEAH! Like seriously, I love this!!!

-sound





Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness