He was just out the door when the earthquake knocked him over. It trembled through the town, pulsing strongly from its core. The world seemed to topple to the ground, and as he did too, Aidan could see something rising above it. A monster, a raging pillar of green muscle, stood at the center of the town square and roared.
The cry went up like black smoke. “It’s an ogre!”
“Somebody get Krakan!”
“Get Krakan. Get ‘cracking,’” Aidan mused to himself. “Ah, but we should be worried.” Krakan was in no state to fight, and he was not much better.
He sucked in a shaky breath and glanced to his right. “Quinta! You’re up!”
Quinta was already drawing her broadsword. She’d inherited it from her father, who’d inherited it from his father, and so on. Quinta seemed to insist on wielding the antique wherever she went.
She launched herself towards the ogre, whose ranting Aidan could now make out. Watching her run, her sword stance was fiercely elegant. Aidan recognized the swordsmanship of someone who trained day in and out to attain power. Right now, the ogre could see nothing but her murderous intent.
Aidan sighed. She could be so hot-headed.
Quinta’s first move was a lunge, flying low towards the ogre’s leg. The ogre dodged, but lost its balance and fell backwards; however this was not a mistake.
As it slammed against the ground, the resulting shockwave knocked Quinta into the air. Quick as lightning, the ogre bounced up and swung a wicked lariat into Quinta’s chest. At the moment of contact, her body twisted as though wracked by invisible blows. Aidan watched her explode towards him, sliding against the ground before rolling to absorb the shock.
She stopped a yard in front of him and flipped to her feet with a disgusted expression on her face. Aidan guessed that she was strategizing her next move.
He came up behind her and tapped her shoulder. “Hey, Quinta. Analysis?”
“Look at its forearm,” Quinta said. Aidan followed her gaze to the ogre’s left arm, where a tattoo shone out against the green skin. Aidan glanced at his own hand knowingly. It was a glyph, the seal of monster magic.
“It’s using that glyph to vibrate whatever it touches. That’s how it’s creating these earthquakes.”
“So theoretically, if you hit it there with your sword, it’d do a lot of damage.”
“Assuming I can get close,” Quinta pointed out. “How long until you’re back to fighting strength?”
Aidan grimaced and replied, “A minute, tops.”
“I’ll make it two,” Quinta replied, charging forward. Aidan wasn’t watching her anymore. This time, he was focused fully on the ogre’s words.
“It won’t be like that!” The ogre shouted in a booming voice. “Monsterkind won’t bow to you!”
“I’ll show you what happens when you try and exterminate us!” The ogre raised its arms to the sky, a mad rage burning in its eyes. “Landfall!” it screamed, and slammed against the ground.
The earth convulsed and shattered in waves. Krakan’s diner nearly collapsed as its foundations snapped like twigs. Aidan staggered weakly, falling in exhaustion. Quinta, however, had leapt to the sky, her sword aiming straight down towards the ogre’s neck.
The ogre glared up at her. Quickly, it swung its arm upwards, drawing the glyph across the empty air. The air began to hum, creating a sonic shear that lashed across Quinta’s face.
“Quinta!” Aidan saw her fall, his hand mark activating instantly. Gritting his teeth, he stared into the portal, then reached through to grab the dragon gold.
The scales shot up the side of his face, encasing it immediately. Aidan staggered, the curse throbbing in his left eye. A part of him realized the speed with which it had taken him over, but that part was drowned by his fighting spirit and the malice of the devil dragon.
He stomped against the ground and rocketed forward, catching the ogre in the side of the head with his fist.
“Wha-” The ogre stumbled back, eyes wide. “What are you?”
I can’t speak, Aidan realized as he tore forth an incoherent roar.
Flames erupted from the back of his throat, arcing through the air and ripping at the ogre’s skin. It was cursed dragonfire, searing without burning, and it left agony in the ogre’s body as it stumbled backwards.
Aidan’s tongue flicked between his smile. With no reservations, he felt the devil dragon overwhelm him, screaming to be set free and feast. I’ll collect your soul, he fumed, raging aloud. Give it to me!
Then, suddenly, Quinta was by his side, grabbing the gold and pressing it through his palm. The transformation vanished as quickly as it had come.
The two of them fell to the ground. They were enveloped in shadow as the ogre loomed over them. Against the sunlight, Aidan could only see the deadly silhouette that sealed their fates.
“Hold it!” The voice rang out, clear and true, through the broken square. A man stood at the edge of town. “Don’t lay a hand on them!”
Through bleary eyes, Aidan made out a tall wizard’s hat, matching a long robe. They hid the man’s body as he walked towards them.
The ogre snarled as he approached. “Who are you supposed to be?”
The man smirked. “Kind of you to ask.” With a flick of his wrist, the hat went flying off of his head. The other fighters stopped in shock of his true appearance.
Aidan cocked an eyebrow. “What the hell?” he muttered, glancing at Quinta, whose eyes shimmered, transfixed by the man’s fluffy white ears.
“My name is Haku,” the man stated, his tail flowing out behind him. “Haku Beastkin!”
“Haku Haku Beastkin?” the ogre repeated.
“What - no, it's just one Haku,” Haku corrected.
“Beastkin,” Aidan mumbled. A spell-formed chimera of man and animal, the Beastkin were often hired out as mercenaries for their strength. Still, why was one here?
“And I’m here to stop your terror,” Haku continued. “You will leave these people in peace!”
“Don’t make me laugh!” the ogre roared. “You’re a beastkin. You of all people shouldn’t care about the lives of these scum. Don’t you remember what they’ve done to you?”
Haku nodded nobly. “I remember. And I will be remembered, as a Beastkin who fights to defend them!”
The ogre sneered. “You’re a fool.” His arm plunged towards Haku’s face, quaking with destructive force.
It stopped, held by a single hand. Haku’s face held an amused calmness. “No...I suppose someone like you couldn’t see them.”
His fist buried itself in the ogre’s stomach, making its eyes bulge. “My plans to rise beyond!”
The ogre stopped, gaped down at Haku, towered over him, shaking in terror, and then, without a word, collapsed.
“It’s not for any race that I fight,” Haku said, raising a fist to the heavens. “My creed is formed of peace and justice for all!”
Beneath him, the ogre heaved a sigh, then went silent.
Aidan and Quinta could do nothing but stare in envy and wonder. Haku was leaning down to them, offering a strong, protecting hand. “I’m glad to see you’re alright,” he said, smiling.
And Aidan, just to prove him wrong, passed out.
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139,539 Literary Works • 672,604 Reviews
Sup, Also haven't read the other parts, but I was impressed by this one, might check out the rest.
First a only semi-sarcastic recap to make sure I got what you were putting down: Aiden and Quinta are a fighting duo who's main weapon seems to be science (well science and demon magic). Aiden, whose way too chill and struggling not to sell his soul and Quinta who is well trained by a lineage of combat and whose sword is definitely not going to have significance at all. They feel an earthquake outside the diner--oh no it's an ogre who, also helped by demon magic that is definitely not stealing its soul and feeding on its worst impulses. They fight, Quinta almost dies but it's okay she recovers quickly, and Aiden turns into a not unstable dragon like creature. Its not enough (somehow) and things look grave but a shapeshifter turns up because quest time.
I like to do my critiques by whatever line makes me pause. Don't be overwhelmed when I write a paragraph about one line or even one word, I'm talkative when it comes to the minute and I know I can be intense so bear with me. I get that this is a draft, and that you have a lot more to say and build up before you get to worry about word craft.
Without further ado:
"It trembled through the town, pulsing strongly from its core. The world seemed to topple to the ground, and as he did too, Aidan could see something rising above it." ----The word choice could be more intimidating, I have in my notes later on that I get the choice of tremble and pulse because the monster is using a reverberating magix, but in the moment here we don't know that. tremble sounds like a small dog in the snow (In the arms of the Angels...) "Pulsing strongly from its core" you get why that makes me think belly dancer right? I like "topple to the ground" it reminds me of a child knocking over blocks which helps with characterizing the size of this creature (that it's so huge the city is like a toy), but topple and pulse don't quite fit, you'll want words that have rough booming sounds in them like shook, cracked, powerful, etc.
"stood at the center of the town square and roared."----Could use a more descriptive verb than stood. I took that to mean that he was slouching kind of lazily ala waiting for the bus. Yes he's standing but is it intimidating? Sounds like it from "raging pillar of green muscle" but is he just standing still or is he rising above it?
"The cry went up like black smoke." How is a cry like black smoke?
"Quinta was already drawing her broadsword. She’d inherited it from her father, who’d inherited it from his father, and so on. Quinta seemed to insist on wielding the antique wherever she went." ---- Seems like a weird place to introduce this character detail. Is there like a training fight or another less important time? Putting this here breaks up the fight unnecessarily and thus ruins the sense of time. This is a fight, correct, it should feel as though every line is a round of combat, and action is a sliver of time when engaging in battle and it shouldn’t be bogged down with details that should take a while to register (i.e. this is something that requires thought, even if the character whose head you are shadowing is close to Quinta. This detail is something that indicates he’s distracted by the sword when in fiction he is definitely focused on the combat (though maybe not given how Aiden is... idk tbh I'm rereading this and I'm not convinced he is focused on combat, which like he sometimes is but other times is picking his nose, but it still distracts from the action going on)). I like this detail, I just don’t think it fits here.
"She launched herself towards the ogre, whose ranting Aidan could now make out. Watching her run, her sword stance was fiercely elegant" ----Why break up Quinta’s action with that quick comment about the Ogre’s ranting. You’re putting me in the action, making an aside comment, and then swiveling straight back to Quinta. It's jarring and you could put the rambling anywhere else, hey that standing part?
"Right now, the ogre could see nothing but her murderous intent."---- Rephrase, make this more descriptive. Again think of this as processing time. And I know third person means you aren’t tied to what the character is thinking but truly you should think of your narrator as an extension of that character, it will only help characterization and making the audience bond with them. In the moment your character is seeing something happening very fast, what may be happening is that the ogre realized he f*ed up by taking on Quinta, but what we see is the ogre stepping back, eyes wide, hesitant to attack. In a fast paced scene, it helps to go for an accurate portrayal with the subtext saying everything. Go for what your characters will see and trust that your readers can infer some of it.
"Aidan sighed. She could be so hot-headed." ----How is Quinta hot-headed (Love the juxtaposition of the battle and Aiden’s chilled out commentary BTW). The description above shows a deliberate, trained, fighter, and he told her to get in there just a second ago.
"Quinta’s first move was a lunge, flying low towards the ogre’s leg. The ogre dodged, but lost its balance and fell backwards; however this was not a mistake." ----This is more what I’m talking about for the action scene frame of mind (if a little technically minded), but did you consider leaving the intentionality of the fall secret for just a moment. Have your character smile and be like (ho-ho we won) until a split second later he falls and action ensues she flies backward so fast he can’t turn his head fast enough to see the impact. Currently it reads like Aiden knows what’s about to happen (maybe he does idk). It made me pause is all and pausing is not what you want.
"She stopped a yard in front of him and flipped to her feet with a disgusted expression on her face. Aidan guessed that she was strategizing her next move." ----She recovers QUICKLY
"'So theoretically, if you hit it there with your sword, it’d do a lot of damage.'"----Theoretically doesn’t fit quite right. I know this isn’t your traditional fighter, they’re more analytical than most, but put theortically with “do a lot of damage” and it doesn’t feel scientific. Perhaps something that integrates some of the details you’re working with, even if it’s a fantasy explanation like “if you disrupt the seal it will backfire the spell onto him.” I don’t know how this fight ends yet, so I can’t give great examples, but to make it more scientific make it sound like they know exactly what they’re talking about. Also I'm fairly certain this isn't how the beat him, (hi this is later me) so...why mention hitting the glyph, why not, say "let's use it against him"
"The scales shot up the side of his face, encasing it immediately. Aidan staggered, the curse throbbing in his left eye. A part of him realized the speed with which it had taken him over, but that part was drowned by his fighting spirit and the malice of the devil dragon."----Noice
"Flames erupted from the back of his throat, arcing through the air and ripping at the ogre’s skin. It was cursed dragonfire, searing without burning, and it left agony in the ogre’s body as it stumbled backwards."----Cool
"The two of them fell to the ground. They were enveloped in shadow as the ogre loomed over them. Against the sunlight, Aidan could only see the deadly silhouette that sealed their fates." ----Again, cool
"'What - no, it's just one Haku,' Haku corrected."----laughed out loud
"Still, why was one here?"----get rid of the still
“My plans to rise beyond!”----supervillian last words, a little cheesy
Overall, I enjoyed it, especially the end of the fight when Aiden transforms. I felt as though you may have rushed the introduction of Haku, I couldn't picture him well and I know we'll get to know more about him but you attempted to explain his powers and I didn't follow. I do the same thing when I introduce new characters for the plot twist and most times I end a scene in general. The world seems cool and I'm interested in the training of your two main leads. I like the inclusion of monster magic, I'm assuming that's like dark magic not good, but it adds a lot more to the physics of the fight and leads to some pretty interesting battle as opposed to "oh no he has a club." Haku I am less interested in gotta admit. He's strong and therefore I am prepared for his inevitable demise.
Holy fudge I rambled, my review has a higher word count than your piece. That is not an insult, I really enjoyed your piece, I just feel bad for you reading through my review. :p
Hello. Haven't read previous parts, just going off what I see here.
I'm going to focus on the description in your opening paragraph. I can see what you were trying to do with it, open with action and something different to catch the eye. But it falls a little short.
The paragraph lacked specifics, especially any specifics that would change the type of earthquake from a natural one to a monster one. I'm also wondering if this is the first time a monster has randomly appeared from underground like this— if yes, then your detail is only a little thin; if no, however, and this is the first time a monster has burst out underground, then this is going to need a lot more framing for it.
If you have established that monsters can just burst out from nowhere, then what differentiates those earthquakes from real earthquakes? Is the shaking different, do buildings not crumble, etc. By picking one thing that makes it different, you can then describe those earthquakes in a way that the reader knows what they are on sight.
Right now, this earthquake sounds like every other earthquake; the descriptions are in broad generalities, everything falling to the ground. What does that look like? What sort of shaking does Aidan feel— is it like the earth is rising up, shaking side to side (a real earthquake is a side to side shake instead of a tremble), or is it more like really intense vibrations? By answering those questions you'll get a much stronger opening paragraph.
If you haven't established monsters can just burst out from nowhere, then I want to see some emotion from Aiden. Is he surprised at this happening? Scared? I'd want some sort of note that this hasn't happened before, and everything's a bit overwhelming.
Even if he does know it's possible, and it is established, how does he feel at two people being out of shape to handle it? While I did crack a smile at the fact they just automatically reach for yet another knight, the lack of emotion in the narration was really glaring and robbed me of an opportunity to get an idea of what this world is like. For this being a chapter 3 without too many parts before it, I'd really want to capitalize on as many opportunities to show what's normal or abnormal as possible.
Right now, everything is very "events happened" narration, and it would be much stronger if it would be "character experiences events". By that I mean, put us in the character's skin more deeply. How does he feel? What physical sensations? Does it hurt to fall down, since he's apparently injured? Can he get back up on his feet, even? How does he feel that there's a giant monster staring down about to destroy everything?
The principle seems interesting enough, but I'd really want more of a connection with the MC. The events are good, but we just need more of it from the character.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey