I wake up plastered to the ceiling of my bunk, shocked awake by the gut feeling of plummeting. I crawl upside-down-like to the deck, where I peer out at the sides and find the dark illuminated.
My crew could not follow me this far. I know why when I see the stars there, not just reflected in the water but truly there, truly surrounding me with light from all sides. I realize that the ocean’s water is trickling down from above, grabbing the starlight in bits and splashing it across the deck.
I have fallen off the edge of the earth. My anchor waves in the air above me like a balloon in the wind. It is like the rest of my ship, weightless with the enormity of our fall.
When I look up, I can see the underbelly of the whole wide world. I see it as a rocky bowl, with elder layers morphing to a more ancient steel. It extends down into the mist where my eyes cannot follow.
I uncork my bottle and let the wine fly out for the stars to drink. My plan was never to fall, but I knew that I would sooner or later. I taste it for one last time as it spirals away.
I know that I will fall faster yet, but I know I must do something. I head back in and grab two barrels, tying them together around my waist with a long, coarse rope. One barrel is filled with money, in case I had debts to pay. The other is filled with spare water and food. They are both lighter than air now as I fall to infinity.
On the way out, I stop in my cabin and scoop a pen and paper from my desk. The ink is suspended in the air, so I gather it with the inkwell and exit. Standing on the deck, I take a deep breath and launch myself, barrels and all, towards the mast.
As I do, I toss the ink in an arc in front of me, running my pen through it and writing on the page. It is beautiful down here where the stars live.
The rope catches against the masthead, the barrels wrapping around like clackers, and tying me high up with them. The motion sets the ship spinning, and I welcome the tumult, as the stars blur to harmonious bands of light. All the while I continue to write. There is no need to follow me, but I want you to know that I found it.
The barrel of coins breaks open, releasing my riches as glimmering beacons. No, it is not what I expected. Some of you were surprisingly accurate about what this would be like. But despite how I fall, I know that I am free and at peace with that freedom.
I slip the note into my empty bottle, with the full intention of sending it back to Earth.
I am no longer of that world, but I still watch it, that dark blot in my beautiful vortex. When the right moment comes, the bottle shoots from my hand, launched by the spinning ship, back up towards the earth, carrying my reflection in the glass.
The bottle embeds itself in the rock and stays there, creating a faint tremor that might become a tidal wave. It is a part of the world now, and for me that is good enough.
As for me, I fall forever in a whirlwind of water and light.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
This piece is written very beautifully. I think some of the sentences are abrupt, but I tend to be long-winded. Keep up the good work.
It was beautiful. Sad, but nonetheless, I like how you described evreything, especially the stars. The sentences flow. The only thing I have to suggest is maybe she shows regret for leaving someone she loves behind? I mean, she did send that note, so I'd assume their would be someone who'd miss her. Other than that, great work!
Hey!
I'm just going to tell you the things I like and the things you could work on. Let's get started!
I absolutely love all the symbolism in this story. Usually, I stray from 'suicide-y' stories because all the angst makes me uncomfortable. But this one was almost sweet, in a melting, heartachy kind of way. It reminds me of some of the passages in 'All Quiet on the Western Front'. If you haven't read it yet, you should. You just feel the despair welling in your heart, feeling like it's being squeezed and all you want to do is talk to the character and tell them it's going to be all right, it'll be fine, I'm here for you, but you can't because they're not real.
)`:
A something you could work on: try to ease the passage between describing the more material, physical side of this and the more fantastical, non-tangible flights of fancy.
Good job and keep writing!
-Juliet
Hey!
So, I don't know how I am going to critic this because I think this is the most amazing, vivid work I've read in a while. I love your ability to describe in such detailed. I think the only thing I would change is that you try to give so many description words that the meaning of the sentences get muddied. Try saying more with less, if that make sense.
Thanks for the great read, I'm excited to see more from you, and if you need anything feel free to ask,
Rascal over
Hey! So, as usual, I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph and give my general stuff at the end. Let us begin.
"I wake up plastered to the ceiling of my bunk, shocked awake by the gut feeling of plummeting. I crawl upside-down-like to the deck, where I peer out at the sides and find the dark illuminated."
I like this first line, but your meaning was a little muddy upon first read. The first line of a work is probably less important than I make it out to be, but hey, everyone has their thing, and mine is obsessing over the details. It's perfectly fine that your meaning is unclear at first, because it has us, the readers, asking questions, chief of which would be, for me anyway, 'why the ever loving heck is the MC on the ceiling'.
Okay, moving on.
"I uncork my bottle and let the wine fly out for the stars to drink. My plan was never to fall, but I knew that I would sooner or later. I taste it for one last time as it spirals away."
You don't mention the bottle of wine before this point and it's a little jarring. I would maybe spare a sentence or so to show the MC picking up the bottle, or saying that it's already in their hands or something of the sort.
And that's it. It's a pretty short piece, but it's really well written and I liked it, there's not much else to say. Bye bye now!