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Deathbound Chapter 2.2

The girl’s blond hair, coiffed like sheep horns, poked out of the bathroom door as she peered through. Her eyes searched the hall from behind her glasses, making complete, absolute sure the Rook was gone.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Alice shouldered the door aside and stepped back into the hallway. She bent over, scooping up papers from the floor and tucking them into her elbow.

She sighed in despair, pushing her glasses up as they slipped down again. The heel of the man’s leather shoe had scraped all of the pamphlets with cruel black marks. Was this how her office life was going to be? All the visions of romance, of forbidden love, were now stamped out by her officer’s bootheel.

Her fantasies crumbled as she sank to the floor, a few more papers slipping from her grasp. At this rate, her feelings would be drowned in paperwork, and she’d grow old and alone petting mangy alley-cats who’d scratch her but she’d love them and-

“Um...Alice?”

She looked up from her abyss of sorrow to see another Pawn, wheeling a full garbage bin in front of him. He was smiling nervously. “You alright?”

The girl put on a brave smile, nodding. “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine.” She stood up shakily, holding her stack tight. She fixed her glasses reassuringly, walking towards him. “Completely fi- hii!” Paper slid under her feet, and her legs shot up as she toppled backwards. She landed on her bottom, dropping the papers in a flurry of white.

The Pawn immediately turned bright crimson, staring at her legs. “Pink,” he murmured, before clamping a hand his mouth and turning twelve shades redder.

“Oh, no no no!” Alice sat up, straightening her skirt. “Not on the director’s first day, please!” She began frantically grabbing the pages from the floor, messily collecting them into a crumpled ball of propaganda.

“Agh,” she moaned, hanging her head. “At this rate I’ll be demoted! Or maybe even transferred, and then...and then....” She couldn’t finish the sentence, not without being devastated entirely.

“What - hey now,” the boy said, picking a few slips up as well. “Don’t worry about it. Here, I’ll help; I’ve had some experience.” He smirked a bit. “I had to clean up the new door our director made for us in the surveillance room.”

Alice smiled up at him, teary eyes sparkling. “Thank you, Harold.”

Once again, the Pawn flushed scarlet, averting his gaze and working faster. “Right. Oh, um, what’s this?” His hand reached down, plucking an envelope from the paper floor. It was a tiny little thing, a note enclosed and sealed with a heart-shaped sticker.

“No!” she cried, lunging for the letter. Unfortunately, her panic carried her a little too well, and she tackled Harold to the ground, flopping onto his chest. The letter was now clenched between her delicate fingers, and Harold was the color of blazing roses.

“Sorry!” she stuttered, drawing back abruptly.

Harold rubbed his head, sitting up with a shy smile. “It’s fine. B-but that letter, Alice.” He pointed to it quizzically. “Isn’t that-”

“A love letter? N-no! What gave you that idea? I mean, it couldn’t possibly be a love letter, because, well, hello! We’re Deathbound! Love letters would just be...they’re…” Alice buried her cheeks in her palms, face burning. “Fine! It’s a love letter.”

“Really?” The boy’s face lit up. “Who’s it for?”

“Idiot, I can’t tell you that!” Another one of Alice’s superhuman shoves sent Harold tumbling again. Picking himself up, the boy sighed.

“Well, can you tell me the first letter of his name?”

“The first letter...of his name,” Alice breathed, letting the wonderful epithet of her lover fill her mind with the scent of roses. She smiled. “H.”

At this point, there was no more red left for Harold’s face to turn. “Really!” he exclaimed, twiddling his fingers. Mustering every ounce of courage, he leaned towards her shyly. “Then, could it be, by any chance, for...me?”

Alice’s eyes widened, and her mouth formed into an O. “I-I’m so sorry, Harold!” she blustered, clutching the letter to her chest. “I didn’t realize you felt that way, but my heart is with someone else.”

In that moment, Harold’s utopian blue sky blanched, cracking. “Oh.”

“You’re a really nice person, and I didn’t mean to lead you on like that! Sure, you’re a bit of a pushover, and you don’t really take charge or responsibility, but you’ve got good points too!”

Harold’s neck broke, and his head tilted to the side. “A-ah.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love talking to you, but I just want a really manly guy who can hold me close, and love me until eternity claims us as one…” Alice let out a giddy squeal, blushing while raising her hands to her cheeks.

Her words stabbed ever deeper into Harold’s self-esteem. “I...see.”

“So I’m really sorry, but these feelings are for Hunter, not Harold.” Alice bowed apologetically, feeling nothing but pity for this poor boy. She was, of course, oblivious to the fact that this only killed him more.

Harold’s neck creaked in a rigid nod. “Hunter, huh.” The pawn searched vainly for words to speak. “Yeah, I guess he’s a...good choice. But anyways, I’m sure you could get any guy you want…” He trailed off, losing his focus as Alice’s eyes lit up like diamonds.

“You really mean it?” she asked, hanging on his response.

Harold nodded earnestly. “I do.”

Alice raised a hand to her cheek, feeling warmth rush through it. “Thank you, Harold. I think that...thanks to you, I finally have the strength to face him.

“Okay!” She stood up, a confident light igniting behind her glasses. “Tonight, I’m going to tell him how I feel!”

Harold smiled painfully, giving her a thumbs up.

Walking over, the girl tossed the slips of paper at his feet. Waving the letter in her hand, she smiled. “Wish me luck!”

With that, she was off, running down the hallway as fast as she could. Her shoes hit the tile floor as she ran, sending papers flying in her wake.

Behind her, Harold sank to the ground in despair, his defeated spirit leaking out of his mouth. A similar letter had tumbled from his clawed fingers, adding to the mess he was left to clean up, alone.

Alice’s confidence grew with every step she took towards the guard post. Surely, Siegfried had given the Deathbound emotions for a reason. Before him, her life had been a robotic process of submitting to humans, but now she was free to enjoy poetry, and even write a bit of her own! Then, once she and Hunter were married, she’d become a famous romance novelist and travel the world in a complete haze of delusion.

Her footsteps finally slowed, her chest rising slightly. There it was, the metal door seeming impossibly daunting before her. Beyond this door was Hunter, no doubt vigilantly standing watch. From there, the Knight Model protected her and all the Deathbound from harm. Granted, nobody had ever really attacked them, but the thought of his duty made her heart flutter.

She swallowed, rubbing the slip of paper between her fingers. It was simple enough already...just a note. Each word had been painstakingly etched into the page, then frantically erased out of embarrassment, repeatedly, until the final words appeared.

These were her feelings, and they...they would be read!

She slapped her hand against the ID panel, drawing it back as the machine glowed green. Squeezing her eyes shut, she ran through the gate. Alice bowed her head, mustering all of her courage, and thrust the letter out in front of her. “Hunter!” she cried, not daring to look up. “Please accept this!”

A long silence passed in her darkness. Alice tensed, her momentary bravado beginning to fade. Her entire body burned with red-hot emotion, melting into a puddle at Hunter’s feet. Still, nothing but quiet.

Then, a voice spoke. It wasn’t Hunter’s. “Oh...shoot. Did I just beat up a hot guy?”

Alarm lanced through Alice, and she looked up. A boy was standing in the middle of the guard cubicle, his fist drawn back. In the other hand, the body of a guard dangled by the collar.

Alice blinked. The boy looked...bizarre. Curly turquoise hair sprouted from his head, held down a bit by circular goggles. The hyper-sugared smile on his face was half-hidden in a long scarf; it disappeared in concern as the boy shook the guard’s body until the cap fell off, revealing Hunter’s handsome features.

The boy winced, sucking air in through his teeth. “Hoo...yup. Hopefully I didn’t do too much damage…” He brushed Hunter’s chin, and the knight’s neck slumped back at an awkward angle. Alice was stunned, her mouth hanging open.

The boy was silent for a moment, poking at the blond knight’s face. After a moment, he shrugged conclusively. “He’ll live. He’s too hot to die.”

Draping Hunter into a chair, he whirled around to face the girl, scratching his cheek with one finger. “So, um, sorry about that. I mean, if it helps any, I would date you.”

These words finally shocked Alice to action, and she screamed. Two seconds later, sirens pierced the night all across the base, flooding the hall with swaths of red light.

The boy just sighed, bouncing a bit on the balls of his feet. “Suit yourself,” he said, “but I’m telling you, you’re missing out.” With that, he swiped his goggles down, crossing his arms in a pose.

“Aero Drive!” he yelled, the world around him bursting into an emerald storm.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Holysocks
Review

Hey! Care for a review?

I have to say, I absolutely adore this. The way each event unfolded made me giddy like a little girl. It was just so... the way the characters interacted, and everything just was so whimsical. I want to learn more about Alice and Harold and even Hunter-- but mostly I want to know more about this mysterious, turquoise-haired boy(!!!).

When I first started reading this, I thought maybe this was an Alice in Wonderland re-telling(?), but now I'm not so sure. That was just because of the name "Alice" and the mention of "Pawns"... I guess pawns reminds me of chess, and any sort of game reminds me of the queen of hearts and her card army. Though I'm not very familiar with Alice in Wonderland in general.

and Harold was the color of blazing roses.


I feel really bad for Harold. It was totally lined up in his favour and everything! Dx I know what it's like to have my hopes and dreams DASHED when it comes to the universe of crushes, so I feel for him. Makes me want to give him a hug. The fact that I already feel for your characters is pretty cool. I feel a little annoyed at Alice for not being very tactful or aware of Harold's feelings, but that's a little understandable because she's got a whole wack load of emotions swirling around in HER head.

I did find this a bit confusing at times. There'd be a long moments where I'd be like "sooooo, what's happening exactly?" where I felt like I wasn't being clued in very quickly. Suspense is good, but there's a difference between suspense and just not being clued in so we can understand things. For instance, when Hunter wasn't talking, and then there was the boy there that was- it took a minute for me to realize that this kid wasn't the guy she was intending to see-- I mean her eyes were only closed for a few seconds, so it's hard to anticipate something like that. Sometimes all it takes for things like this to be less confusing is just by slowing down and allowing the reader to catch up with the story a bit. Other times, we might need to give a little more description of what's happening in the scene.

Sorry I don't have many critiques for you today- I sat on this review for several days and that's really the only thing that stuck out. I really thought this was terrific! Keep it up!!! I'm thinking of going back and reading this from the beginning!

-Socks

User avatar
Regime
Review
Regime wrote a review · Tue Dec 27, 2016 6:45 pm

Hi, this is Regime.

I quite like the plot of this chapter, as well as the characters within it. It’s cute how Harold reacts to Alice’s rejection, but it’s also cliché that he likes her (as it appears to be so). Yet, because I have not read the rest of the story, I do not know if their relationship is focal or not, so I can’t say for now whether or not their entire relationship is cliché. I felt that the interaction between them was a bit “forced”, like she landed on his chest—I think that only occurs in books. :) It also feels like the next scene involving Hunter and this strange new character could become almost its own chapter—but I understand that’d be a short chapter, which you probably do not want. This new character’s dialogue is also a bit strange, but then I like how he gets cocky and tells Alice she’s “missing out”. XD And a question: are these people adults or teenagers? I haven’t read the rest of this story, so I’m not sure, but it seems strange to me to call them girl and boys if they work in an office… young adults?

I like this story overall, and the flow of your sentence structure is good.

-Regime

User avatar
Casanova
Review

Heya, Chaser! Casanova here to do a review for you!

Anyway, since you're worried about this just taking up space I'll do only two parts to this. Plot and characters. The other stuff isn't important.

Plot:

Okay, so your plot. What I'm grasping from this is Alice is wanting to tell Hunter how she feels. Okay, got it. And that's an okay stand point. She goes through the trouble of getting everything ready, going to where he's at, mustering up the courage to talk to him. End there. Okay, so we don't really have much and although it's boring, it rather evens out after with the Hunter situation. I would say leave that as is and you'll be alright, but you'll eventually get more than my opinion on this. Okay, so now we have the Hunter situation. That's rather interesting, and although it's not the focal point of the story it has the potential to be. I would suggest ending the chapter at a boring note to level things out. Like, ending it when she slides her ID card.

Characters

Okay, so your characters are actually really strong. Since I'm in the Chapter 2.2 I won't waste time saying you didn't give enough about them, I can tell their personality is there and I'll have to go back and read to find back stories/likes/dislikes and things like that. But props on what you're done with them so far.
And the characters dialogue. In some places it's rather boring, yet you even it out in other places. So I would say that's a win/win.

Overall I think you could do some plot tweaking along with some dialogue tweaking, and you'd have yourself one helluva work.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt



Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena