Hey, I'm here to review.
I like the scent between the female and male Deathbounds. It's quite humorous, despite it being used to show the male Deathbound is rather intimidating.
While reading, I'm able to make an assumption that the male Deathbound serves someone who uses propaganda to rule as the paper showing Siegfried, who uses a fake moustache. Admittedly, I like the way the story's leading me. I hope it's going to show more of the political intrigue that surrounds the Deathbounds and Siegfried to whom they serve, as surely other Deathbounds have the same thought as this muscular one.
Alright. Rook, Pawn. Are the Deathbounds based on chess? o: If so, quite interesting (and a bit humorous)!
Coming to a single doorway, he fished an ID card from the pocket of his jeans. He raised it to the scanner, and moments later, the door slid open.
These sentences make me think the story is made during modern time. Surprising, really, because I thought it would be somewhere in the 80s or 90s.
Clunk- WHAM! The former sound was the sword hitting the door frame again; the latter was the man whirling around and demolishing it with his bare fists. Teeth bared, he uttered a low growl as he surveyed his handiwork. His knuckles had carved huge chunks out of the wall, and rubble was now scattered across the hallway. Exhaling in satisfaction, he turned around.
Wow. This man is someone with which you don't want to mess. I find the paragraph successful in terms of showing his strength as well as his temper and how he's okay with doing things that he wants. He also doesn't care how much the repairing would cost, and yeah, scary guy overall.
The beastly man cocked his head, reducing him to terrified silence.
“Director Wolfram,” the man repeated, annoyed. “Is that really what that witch told you to call me?”
Alright, a few suggestions here. I think the first sentence can be misleading. First read and I find it ridiculous for Wolfram to be reduced to terrified silence, but upon rereading it, I understand you're talking about the one of the Pawns. If so, I would suggest to make that clearer.
The second suggestion is to combine these two paragraphs. Since the first one consists of the Wolfram's action, it would be fitting to have it followed by his dialogue. Also, I wonder why the narration is made in such a way as to not referring Wolfram to his name? It's been 'the man' from the beginning until now, which makes me wonder of its purpose. From what I've read so far, the character whose point of view is used has his name introduced as early as possible. Hmm...
Sighing, he ran a hand through his iron hair.
If you don't mean that, then it should be straightened/other synonyms hair!
After a long stare, the wolf grinned. “Now, listen here, Shinji,” he said, throwing a muscled arm over the boy’s shoulder.
Oh, he turned into a wolf now. xD Just kidding, although I do think we don't have to remind the readers that he has 'muscled arm', do we?
The sword's transformation is intriguing. I wonder if we're going to see more of it again? I'm not sure what has happened, now that the blade has turned into 'cresting spire'.
Anyway, I think the chapter is solid. It's done more to show us what a terrifying man Wolfram is, although he states he may not be a human, and well, I can agree at some extend. The muscles would be ridiculous if he doesn't work up for them, but the part with the blade is particularly standing out. The fact that he doesn't care much about his treatment with his inferiors make me question why he's made a director.
I would like to see more about this queen, and also this Shinji. I'm hoping he's more than a henchman, perhaps he'd play an important role later? This is just my preference, though - I like how seemingly weak characters become vital after some time.
Other than that, keep up the good job!
Points: 25
Reviews: 472
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