Hello everybody! Charizard821 here bringing you a Pokémon story! Before we begin, here's something to keep in mind. I started this series on Quizilla under the same Username, Charizard821. Since Quizilla is closing down, I wanted to continue it over here. However, it wouldn't make sense to begin on Chapter 2. So, what I've done is I've brought my work from Quizilla over to here. But don't worry, this is MY work. I'm not stealing or taking credit for anything that anyone else has done. On that note, this is a fanfiction and in no way do I intend to take credit for the characters or places used in the story. Only the story itself. So, here you go; "The Tale of a Charmander." Hope you enjoy! And don't worry. There will be many more chapters to come.
One Dark Night...
Rain came down in buckets. The wind had
really picked up. Somewhere in the forest, a tree could be heard falling down.
Not just the branches, the ENTIRE tree. But the Charmander who was struggling
against the storm had tokeep going. Had to get away. The leaf he was carrying
over his head to protect his tail flame was soaked. It was barely holding it's
form. At one point, it got so heavy with rain, that the Charmander had to hold
it up with both hands to prevent it from collapsing entirely. Overhead, lightning
flashed, briefly illuminating the forest around him. A path. He was still on the
path, though the path was now simply a trail of mud. But he had to keep going.
The Charmander was cold, and he could feel his tail flame getting weaker and
weaker, but he couldn't stop now. The rain was blurring his vision. Or was that
fatigue? He couldn't tell. His flame was almost out now, and the effects were
starting to take their tole. The Charmander began to lose his balance. The
ground was swaying. A crash. Was it thunder or another tree? The Charmander lost
feeling in his paws and dropped the leaf. His legs gave out and he fell into the
mud. Then, all was black.
???'s POV
I could hear it. Noises.
Distant noises, but they were still there. Like a bird chirping. I strained to
hear it more clearly but I couldn't. It was too distant. Everything was too
distant. I fell back into the void.
Again. I could hear it again. Clearer
this time. Closer. I could feel my eyelids. I tried to open my eyes. It was a
strain, a challenge, but I was able to open them just enough for light to hit my
eyes. Everything was blurry. A cream coloured yellow blur was all I could see.
And I heard a voice. I struggled to make out what it was saying but the effort
became too much. My eyes closed and I couldn't hear the voice anymore. Only the
chirping, getting more distant by the second. Or was it minutes? Who could tell?
I tried to hold on, but there was nothing I could do. Once again, the void
swallowed me.
Suddenly, I could feel my body. Arms, legs, head. I drew in
a breath. Yes, I was definitely alive. I opened my eyes, slowly but without
trouble this time. All was blurry at first, but then it swam into focus. I was
in a room, lying on a bed. Cream coloured walls surrounded me. On my left was a
window. Through it I could hear birds chirping. I assumed that's where the sound
came from. But where was the voice? How did I get here? I looked at myself. A
Charmander. Blue eyes, typical red body and orange belly. Suddenly, I
remembered. The storm. My flame. I sat up and turned to look at my tail. It was
inside of a machine. I could feel my tail heating up, so I knew it must've been
restoring my body heat and tail flame. I took my tail out of the machine and
examined it. A healthy flame, burning brightly. Lacking the presence of
something to heat, the machine automatically turned off. I got out of the bed
and stood up. My legs almost gave out but I caught my balance. I stepped outside
the room and found a Chancey sitting at a small table just outside the
doorway.
"Oh! You're up!" said the Chancey. "And twenty-seven minutes before
expected, too!"
The Chancey stood up from the table went about checking my
heart, my tail, and my head.
"Looks like you've made a full recovery!" she
said cheerfully.
"Where am I?" was all I could ask.
"You're in the Pokémon
Hospital." she said, focusing on her work.
Panic began to set
in.
"You mean like a Pokémon Centre?! With humans?!"
"No, no. Calm down.
This is a Pokémon run hospital. We treat wild Pokémon that have been
injured."
"How did I get here?" I asked, beginning to calm down.
"You were
rescued by a Pokémon of this village." said the Chancey. She said she found you
last night lying in the forest under a big oak tree. She picked you up and
brought you here, protecting your tail from the rain. When she came running in,
you were close to death. Your tail flame was just an ember, and there were cuts
and bruises all over your body. You were also covered in mud. We cleaned you,
treated your wounds, and restored your flame the fastest we could. It's a
miracle you survived. If she hadn't come when she did, you could very well be
dead right now."
I looked at the Chancey incredulously. Who else would have
been crazy enough to be out in that storm last night?
"Where can I find this
Pokémon?" I asked. "I need to thank her for saving my life."
"She'll likely
be outside in the Town Square. Her name is Sapphire. Just ask around andthe
Pokémon in the village will direct you to her."
"Thank you for your help, and
everything that you've done." I said to the Chancey. "I am truly
grateful."
"No need to thank me." she said with a smile. "I'm just doing my
job."
I waved bye to the Chancey and stepped outside.
It was a warm
day. The sky was clear. The ground was still moist with the rain of the storm the
previous night, but it was drying fast. I appeared to be in the middle of a
gathering place. Pokémon of all types walked around and conversed with each
other. They were laughing and having fun. There was a large clock in the centre
of the gathering place and many buildings to the right. One of them was the hospital I had just come from. I assumed that this place was the Town Square. To the left was a
large stone pathway, which led to a magnificent looking castle. It was
humongous, with two stone towers and approximately three stories of base.
I
walked over to a group of Pokémon that appeared to be in a heated debate. One
was a Pidgeotto. Another was a Doduo. The third was an Exeggutor.
"Of course
you're not as fast as a Rapidash!" said the Exeggutor to the Doduo. "You could
hardly keep up with Penny just a minute ago." as he said this, he motioned to
the Pidgeotto. I assumed that this was Penny, and she was standing there looking
awkwardly between the two feuding Pokémon.
"Well, maybe not now, but when I
evolve into a Dodrio, I'll be the fastest Pokémon alive!" retaliated the
Doduo.
"Dream on pal!" cried the Exeggutor.
"Guys, really." said Penny.
"Please stop this. People are looking this way."
"Why are you sticking up for
him?" said the Exeggutor. "You were the one who just beat him cleanly in a
race!"
"Excuse me." I said, cutting into the argument. "But have any of you
seen a Pokémon named Sapphire come through here?"
Penny the Pidgeotto,
looking relievedto have something break up the fight, replied;
"Sapphire? Yes
that's her over there."
She raised a wing, pointing to a Squirtle standing in
a group of Pokémon.
"Thanks." I said,walking over to the group.
As I
walked, I saw a Nidorino look at me, and then say something to the Squirtle. She
turned around and smiled when she saw me. She was pretty. Very pretty. She was a
medium height for a Squirtle - a little shorter than myself - and she was a deep
blue in colour. Her shell was also blue, but much lighter. Like that of the sky.
Her eyes were a stunning purple, a colour which I'd never seen in anyone's eyes
before. Theybegan tomesmerize me as I walked forward, and I almost tripped, but
I caught myself just in time. She took a few steps toward me and said;
"Good
to see you're awake."
At first, I just stared at her, but then I remembered I
had a voice too.
"Y-yeah." I stammered.
I gave my head a little shake
before asking her;
"Are you Sapphire?"
"Yes, that's me." she said
carefully hiding a giggle.
She obviously noticed my stammer.
"So, you must
be the one who saved me?" I asked.
"That's me." she said with a smile.
"I
wanted to thank you for that. If you hadn't come, I would've died out
there."
"Oh, don't mention it. A Pokémon in need is a Pokémon
indeed!"
"Yeah, I guess." I said.
"So, are you going to tell me your name,
or do I have to guess who's life I saved last night?"
I hesitated for a
moment.
"Char." I said. "My name's Char."
"How creative a name for a
Charmander."
"Yeah, I get that a lot." I said, looking at the ground.
"So,
what were you doing out in that storm last night anyway?"
"Travelling." I
said without hesitation. "I'm looking for a place to stay."
She looked at me
for a moment, and then a broad grin flashed across her face. It was a pretty
smile.
"Come with me." she said. "There's someone I want you to
meet."
She turned and began to walk. I decided to follow her. I began to
wonder where she was taking me, when she took a turn up the stone path. We were
heading to the castle!
So, there you have it guys. Chapter
1 is complete! So, Char is the mysterious Charmander from the storm, but why was
he out in the storm in the first place? What is this mysterious town in the
middle of the forest? What will we learn about Sapphire? Who does she want Char
to meet up at the castle? Maybe we'll find out in Chapter two, which will be out
soon. Please comment or review and tell me if you liked it or there's something you
want to know about! See you in the next chapter!
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Yo! The entomology lady is here to review. (Get it? Entomology?)
) were conveyed quite well with what you used. There's a lot of potential here.
Anyhow, since I don't believe I've ever reviewed your work before, allow me to explain the procedure: I'll give you a few pointers at the beginning, maybe one or two nitpicks, and then loudly squeal about everything I loved.
I skimmed through the first three reviews I saw, so hopefully I don't repeat too much already-given advice.
First, allow me to point out something Hunter did wrong, but you did right. He mentioned a comma between two related clauses, but forgot that the second clause was, in fact, complete, and could stand by itself without the "and." Independent clauses always need punctuation to separate them.
Now then, I must also remind you to always proofread. I'm sure you're better about this now, but I have to say it.
Last, while you have excellent description for setting, visuals, and other things that simply are, you are a bit lacking in action. I get it; there's a lot of talking. But there are actions, tones, and habits that accompany speech, all of which add a lot of character, emotion, and interest to your dialogue.
Moving on!
I find it interesting that you've picked first-person. From the SB, I had you penned as a third-person-limited kind of person. No matter; you've done a good job of it.
Also, thank you for the sarcastic comments. There are not enough of those in the world. (I swear I'm not saying that sarcastically.)
Your use of language for dramatic effect is also good. I think you could pump up on the poetic-device side, but the internal emotions of Char (not you
I'll be continuing on to the next bit, so catch you later!
-Buggie
Glad you liked it. And (prepare for shock) I think this was the only chapter I didn't proofread.
Hey there. I used to watch pokemon when I was little, but it's been a while. That being said I was still able to picture this chapter clearly in my head. To me that' means you've sucessfuly captured the vibe of the show, which is great for any fanfiction.
I did get a little lost, but as it's fanficition that's on me, not you. Anyway, it seems most of the grammar things have been picked out already, so I'll just comment on a few general writing things.
1. The unecessary thats. I am a crusader against the word that, because I think writing is automatically stronger when you get rid of unnecessary uses. For example, this sentence:" I assumed that this place was the Town Square. " Could be " I assumed this place was the Town Square. " Read through every sentence where you use this word and if it makes sense without it, delete it.
2. Be verbs and ing verbs. Rarely should you use these two words together, for example, "The ground was swaying." should be, "The ground swayed."
3. You use the word began a lot, like, something began to happen. It's fine on occasion, but it got a little excessive. For example this, "Panic began to set in." could be this "Panic set in." In a work this size I would say only use the word began one or two times, maybe three.
At then end of the day though this was fanfiction, and you wrote it marvelously. I loved the part where those three were fighting. It was cute and fun and fit perfectly in this type of piece. I'm not really one to read pokemon fanfiction but I enjoyed this. Keep it up!
-Art
I'm glad you liked it! I know I took a risk writing about a topic that few people are interested in, as most people think of Pokemon as a disgrace after the release of Gen 4. Really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
So here I am, after much time. I took on you request to read this, and I gotta say, I love it.
First off, I'd like to say that you did especially well with such a simple piece of work. Good enough detail, fair dialogue, all in all it was really nice. Again with the simplicity; loved it. Gotta say, I don't usually enjoy short stories, but this has me hooked! Such innocence and softness... As the creator of my own Pokemon novel, I can say it's been a while since I've seen it pulled off so well, since I have such an odd plot, but this isn't about me.
I have to say though, there was a bit chiché-ness about the whole thing. Now that's not entirely a bad thing, a it can't be avoided, but I thought I should mention it. Lovely job here. Told ya I wouldn't forget!
~The dark one.
Salutations.
If only you had been here approximately two months ago... We have a Review Day on the last Sunday of every month, and usually the theme depends on the teams themselves, but the August Review Day's theme was *drum roll*: Pokémon. (I was an Arcanine, if you were curious.) That would have been the perfect time to have published this, but better late than never, I suppose!
Before I begin the review proper, may I ask why, if your username consists predominantly Charizard, did you choose Articuno to be your avatar? Anyway, I actually typed "On to the review" after my question, but I shall warn you first: ordinarily, I would point out a few technical errors and then give my overall impression of the work, but seeing as I'm a Pokémon fan, I'll give you a full length review. Why is this a warning? I can easily write four thousand characters in one go. (Yeah..) Oh, and considering the format, I shall give you a complete overview of the techincalities first, and then I shall review it with theme and plot in mind.
Also, I have decided to experiment with colours, so here is my legend:
green - the coloured text is a correction
orange - the coloured text is a suggestion
purple - the coloured text is missing and should be added
blue - the coloured text is redundant and should be removed
(Errors which occur mulitple times will be flagged repeatedly, but will only be explained once.)
What is the purpose of this? It appears to be an introductory sentence fragment, yet there are two spaces ("enters") between it and the first paragraph. Also, starting any work with anything resembling "it was a dark and stormy night" is horribly cliché. If it really has to be stormy, why night? Have you never experienced a thunderstorm during the day?
Firstly, I would join these two sentences with a dash. Secondly, if you use not at the beginning of a clause, you should use but later on. Finally, if a previous reviewer indicates an error, it is wise to correct the error, otherwise the reviewers might think you don't care about what they have to say.
"To keep" are two words, and I would join the second sentence so it reads more fluently.
I'd advise making "tail flame" a hyphenated word and joining these two sentences. If you do join them, the "It" becomes redundant. Also, it's is a common malapropism when its is meant. Just replace it.
I indicated the both the comma and the that is redundant, but that's not true; either you ditch the comma and keep the that, or you ditch the that and keep the comma; you cannot butter your bread on both sides.
This sentence is excellently structured, but I would put it in a new paragraph.
Words like now, this and these do not belong anywhere in a story outside of the dialogue. Now indicates the present tense, and since a story is a recounting of events which have already occurred, you can understand why the past tense, and never the present, is used. Also, remove the first comma - it separates two related clauses, which is incorrect.
Why do so few people use dashes and semi-colons? They are a writer's sophisticated friends! Also, new paragraph at the beginning of the sentence.
Toll was spelled incorrectly.
Saying "everything went black" or something resembling that is also a terrible cliché. You'll see that I suggested removing that sentence completely and replacing it with a far more striking unconscious.
Instead of leaving so much open space, why not simply employ three asterisks, e.g. "***" ? Not only does it read easier, but it also indicates that time has elapsed. Also, the "???'s POV" is amateurish. In fact, you can replace everything in the above quote with asterisks.
Normally, I would say this paragraph is too detached and its sentences too short, but seeing as the Charmander is still in the process of regaining consciousness, it makes sense that simple sentences are used.
You cannot describe a colour as another colour! Cream is cream and yellow is yellow. If it is a combination between the two colours, then you hyphenate the word or find the actual name of said colour, e.g. cream-yellow, beige, sienna, etc.
This is how recommend you write these three paragraphs. The large spaces are unnecessary, so only use one asterisk to indicate a short amount of time has passed.
Why do you keep using coloured? (Although, I am happy you use British English!
Why?!!! This is an excellent opportunity to illustrate your descriptive talents, yet you let it pass. I obviously know what a Charmander looks like, but not necessarily other readers. You say blue (how does the Charmander even see his own eyes, if I may ask?), but do you know how many shades and hues of blue there are? Be specific. Even just saying his eyes are sapphire blue will help, but if you're feeling poetic, why not try, "his eyes were a deep, vivid blue, like the open ocean on a windless day"? And his scales? Are they the generic red, or scarlet? Or are they perhaps crimson? Oh, and sorry to burst your bubble, but a Charmander is orange - Charmeleons are red. Therefore, his body colour is not typical.
[/quote]
Incorrect choice of words - I replaced them with the correct ones.
Said is such a boring, generic word. There are so many beautiful synonyms for it, so why not use them? Also, pronouns. Finally, I joined these three paragraphs because they all share a common idea.
I changed the full stop to a comma.
Past perfect tense, not past simple.
Two words.
Why so many spaces? One is adequate. (No asterisks are required.)
You can really use a better adjective than homungous.
These three sentences can be joined to improve the flow.
This reads easier.
How exactly does an Exeggutor motion if it has no arms?
Two words, and the paragraphs should be joined.
See, this is a much better description.
I understand that this is supposed to be a parody on "a friend in need is a friend indeed", but it is not as accurate as you would like. Would a Houndoom give a fig if one had come across Char isntead of Sapphire? No. (And if it did, it would probably be, "Hmm, a snack!") But does that mean the Houndoom would no longer be a Pokémon? Do you see why this statement requires revision?
Another malapropism.
The first full stop should be a comma.
This part is redundant. Any questions the readers may have they will ask themselves, and it is unnecessary to mention the things about which they may be wondering. If you want to include it somewhere, include it in the post wherein you tag the story's followers.
I have already complained about the overusage of your introductory setting, so I shall not repeat those complaints here.
Speaking of setting, I assume the story takes place somewhere in the forests of Kanto. Did you choose Kanto because you only know of Pokémon who hail from that region specifically, or because they happen to be your favourites?
As for your Charmander protagonist, Char, I would not have thought that his love-interest would be a water type. If you are going for the forbidden love scenario, then you are well on your way to getting there, but if you actually want them to have a happy ending... A Vulpix and a Growlithe can work, as well as a Blitzle and a Ponyta, but a Charmander and a Squirtle?
My review may seem very criticising, but I am satisfied witht he work you have delivered. You seem to have a decent knowledge of the world of Pokémon, but I think many readers (myself included) would appreciate it if you described more of the Pokémon - whether we know what they look like or not, a good description is always nice to read.
You are brave for writing a fanfiction on such a popular topic. I am delighted that you are taking this seriously and I look forward to reading chapter two. (Oh, and I told you this would be a long review - it is more than eight thousand characters long!)
First of all, I commend you for eight thousand characters! Looks like you really put a lot of time and effort into this review. However, there are a few things I feel it is my duty to clear up. First of all, the statement that I may not care about what reviewers have to say about my pieces. That is untrue, although I don't blame you for accusing me of such. I am different than other publishers. My style is to show that I've taken suggestions into consideration by use of said suggestions in the following chapters, instead of going back and reviewing. It's just a mindset of trying to get better at writing stories the first time, rather than multiple times. Yet, you are correct in saying that this is important, and I may go back at some point and fix these. Secondly, about Char's description. It was my intent for Char to appear ordinary, which explains my use of a short description. (However, yes, upon further investigation I did indeed discover a Charmander's true colour is more creamy than red. (By the way, I use the word "colour" because that's how Canadians spell it, and seeing as I'm Canadian, that's how I've been brought up to spell it.) About the use of cliches, that's just me. Sometimes I enjoy the use of a good cliche, however I will try to find more appealing terms in the future. And lastly, in answer to your question about my profile pic, despite being named Charizard821, Articuno is my favourite Pokemon. It may seem surprising, but my favourite element is ice. Articuno basically represents ice and majesty, so it naturally became my favourite.
To cap off, when I read your review, I realized that although some things had an excuse for the way they were, I did make many silly mistakes, that I will be sure to look out for in the future. Thank you for your review, it really means a lot to me to know that you'd take this much time to review my work of writing. Before I go, one more thing. Chapter 2 is out if you'd like to read it, and I'm aiming to publish two chapters this weekend. (Seeing as I couldn't last weekend.)
Oh, and my author's notes at the end are probably going to stay there just to recap what happened during the chapter. (I know it's not very official to use in stories but I like that kind of style.) Sorry about this.
Hello, Charizard! Raven here to give a review! Now, I do not watch that much Pokemon or play the card games, so I am sorry if I sound ignorant.
First things first, it is probably easier to change the all caps to italics. That way it does not interrupt the flow of the story! Next thing is to separate "tokeep" to "to" "keep." One last thing: change "it's" to "its."
It looks like the view point character likes to repeat stuff, or say something like it again. It gave the extra sentence a meaning to it, at first. Then it just got a little boring and repetitive . Perhaps use it sparingly?
The short sentences in the next PoV are impactful. Telling the reader a lot about the character. Either one, they are tired. Or two, they have lost their memory. Finally three, something traumatizing has happened. I'm also guessing that they are the Charmander from before...
How did the Chancey go about doing this? What tools did they use? Did the process tickle, hurt, or nothing felt at all? Was it short? We need some of that information!
However, I like what this story is so far. The beginning we see this Charmander and immediately feel bad for him. Then, when it all goes black we feel terrible. The poor Pokemon could've been dead! We have this new PoV and we are a bit confused, why is it first person? Who is the new person? What has happened to them?! Now we know that the Charmander is the person and we feel a bit better. Phew...
Are humans bad!? What? This is a new piece of info.
Is Sapphire the one in the love story? Oooh. Nice. Keep on writing!
~Rae,
Thank you for the criticism and support. Both mean a lot to me. I will try and improve in the chapters to come. Hope you stick with it!
Ello buddy! Here to review a few things with you. So first off, I LOVE pokemon and find this partcular fanfic to be intresting. It brings a lot if appeal to pokemon lovers alike. My only flaw would be the '????? Pov.' Please put in who's perspective it is, otherwise its a shot in the dark. Other than that your writing style was very orignal and quite frankly a refreshing relief. I just really enjoyed this. Your diction was spot on as well. Can't wait to read more
Thanks! Good to know it was liked! Chapter 2 will be out soon.
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Fill in the author's note here.
Wow, that's a pretty long A/N. You might consider enspoilering the note itself, with something like this:
A/N:
Spoiler
[b]A/N:[/b][spoiler]Fill in the author's note here.[/spoiler]That way readers aren't dumped with a big block of text first thing into the story (and it's not actually relevant to the story itself).
It's means "it is," not the possessive form. Just ditch the apostrophe and you'll be fine.
You could always just give us a placeholder name, and then change it later when you actually have a name to give us. But three question marks instantly bring "Missingno" to mind. (But since this is Char's PoV, please just say it. It's more annoying than intriguing, if that makes any sense at all.
Also, a word of warning. Don't rotate too heavily between PoVs. That can annoy readers and be a huge turnoff.
You might be missing a word before "went." That sentence ruffled the reading flow a little bit.
I'm slightly confused with what you're saying here. I think I understand. The towers are three stories (or the wall)? It's not really clear. And it's definitely not clear how you can have a three story base. Can the Charmander see through the ground? It's kind of a funny thought, but I don't think it's what you're going for.
Stylistic suggestion: You could have just as easily said, "I came across a Pidgeotto, Doduo, and Exeggutor arguing."
And the Exeggutor is a lumbering troll. Why does he even care how fast Doduo is compared to Rapidash?
Overall, this was a decent intro to the story. You had a few words smashed together, but those are minor typos.
Hope this helps!
Wow, a lot of criticism there. Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely take that into consideration. I hope you continue to follow the story. And in answer to your question, three stories of base meant the wall was that tall. Sorry for any confusion.
Hello! I have to start off with saying, great job!!! I think you did very well on this piece and you just need to keep working hard. The only thing I could take away is that I believe you should add maybe some more detail or information to the story-it would help develop it a little more! As I said before, great job!!!
Haha thank you very much! Don't worry. This is going to be a very detailed and twisting story, and it'll come soon in the next few chapters. Right now, I want to give you guys a sense of intrigue.