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The Tale of a Charmander (A Pokemon Story) Chapter 2; Blast Castle

The castle was possibly the largest thing I'd ever seen. As I stood in front of the large door that would lead inside the castle, I gazed upward to see exactly how tall the towers were. Both towers appeared to be touching the sky, and I stumbled backward, disoriented. Sapphire turned to look at me, and shook her head smiling when she saw me stumble.

"You coming, Char?" she said, holding the right side of the door open for me.

"Yeah." I said, regaining my balance and entering through the door.

When I stepped inside, my heart skipped a beat. It was amazing! I was in a large room that could fit about 200 Pokémon. The walls were a marble in colour, as was the floor. There were two large rounded staircases on either side of the room, that extended to a second floor. In between these two staircases, was another large door. This one, however, had two brass knockers on either side of the door. Sapphire led me to the large door, and put her paw on the left knocker. She turned to me before knocking and said;

"When we get inside, just follow my lead, and stay silent as much as possible."

I was about to ask her why, when she knocked on the door. Three bangs resonated from the door, so loudly, that I could have sworn that they had been heard throughout the entire castle.

"Enter!" shouted a voice from the inside.

It was a deep booming voice. One that sounded like it came from a large monster. I instinctively jumped back at the sound, and received a look of confusion from Sapphire. She turned back to the door without a word, and slowly opened it. The door made a loud creak when it opened. Unlike that of a regular, squeaky door, this one made a deep groaning noise, as if the door itself thought it was a powerful being, unfit to be used for entrance and exit from room to room. With one last glance at the door, Sapphire and I stepped inside the room.

The room was slightly smaller than the last, however still large at that. On either side of the room, was an aquarium that stretched from wall to wall. They were large floor to ceiling aquariums, and inside swam a dozen or so mid-sized to large fish. These fish weren't Pokémon, however they swam as a fish Pokémon would. Some of them even looked like a Goldeen. The floor was gold in colour this time, with a golden wall behind it. On both sides of the far wall sat statues of Yveltal and Xerneas, Pokémon only spoke of in legend. In between these two statues sat a throne, golden as the wall behind it, and on the throne, sat a very impatient looking Blastoise. The Blastoise looked just like a regular Blastoise in colour, and nothing was very remarkable about him, except the fact that this particular Pokémon simply exuded power and importance. I instantly felt small and inadequate compared to him.

"Where have you been?" said the Blastoise rather accusingly to Sapphire. "You said you'd be back in an hour. Unless the position of the sun is lying, you're a half hour late!"

"I'm sorry." said Sapphire looking very innocently into the Blastoise's eyes. "I got a little sidetracked."

"By what?" asked the Blastoise.

Then his gaze fell on me. His frown deepened, and he asked another question before Sapphire had a chance to answer his last one;

"Who is this?" he asked, indicating me with a nod of the head.

"Oh! Right!" said Sapphire, remembering that I was here.

I was obviously doing a good job keeping quiet.

"King Blastoise, Char. Char, king Blastoise."

My eyes widened as I realised who I was talking to. How had I not seen it before? The throne, the look of importance, it would only make sense for this to be a king!

But does that mean I'm in a kingdom of some sort? I thought to myself.

I looked left and realised that Sapphire was bowing. I rapidly dipped my head down, to avoid being rude.

"Oh, come now Sapphire. You know I don't like it when you bow down to me. I may be your king but you shouldn't bow down to your father."

"Sorry dad." Sapphire said as she stood up.

At this, I almost gasped out loud, right in front of both Pokémon.

"D-dad?" I said, barely able to get the words out. "H-he's your dad?!"

I realised I was pointing, and quickly reeled my arm in.

"Is there a problem with that?" asked the Blastoise, looking very unimpressed with me.

"N-no! I mean, yeah no! I mean, what?" I stammered, incapable of gathering my thoughts.

"Relax dad, he's a bit nervous, as you can tell. Maybe go for a bit friendlier?"

"Do you mean to tell me that I've been hanging around a princess since I got here and nobody told me?!" I yelled, frozen in shock.

"What is he doing here?" the king asked, ignoring my question.

"You know how I went out into the storm last night to check on the condition of the path that led to the nearest human town? Well, I found this Charmander lying under an oak tree, barely alive."

"Oh, so this is the Pokémon you were telling me about." said king Blastoise, summing me up. "What were you doing out in a storm? Having a flame as a lifeline, that wasn't a very smart move, don't you think?"

I didn't respond. He was right, it was a stupid move.

But what else was I supposed to do? I thought to myself. I couldn't have stayed where I was, that's for sure...

"He was travelling." said Sapphire, answering for me. "Looking for a place to stay. And that's why I brought him here, to you! I thought you could give him a place to stay in our kingdom!"

My heart jumped in my chest. She wanted me to stay? Was she actually offering me a place in this kingdom?

"No." said king Blastoise, and I felt my heart sink down into my chest again.

"What?!" said Sapphire, astonished at this response. "Why not?!"

"Sapphire, can I please speak to you alone." he looked at me as he said this.

His gaze made me feel uncomfortable.

"Umm, yeah sure." she said, clearly confused. "Char, can you step out into the foyer?" she asked, pointing at the door we had entered from.

"Alright." I said, feeling worried at what they were about to talk about. I opened the big, creaking door, and stepped into the foyer. I sat on the staircase to my right, and put my paws on my chin, wondering what the two royal family members were saying in the throne room.

---

After Char had left, Sapphire turned to face her father, who was wearing an expression of firm commitment. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Why can't he stay?" she asked, frustration evident on her face. "You let every other Pokémon who stumbles across The Kingdom of Peace stay!"

"We can't trust him. I don't know what it is about that Charmander, but I know he's bad news. When I asked him why he was out in the storm last night, he didn't answer. You did. Did he tell you why he was travelling?"

"Yes, I told you, he's looking for a place to stay."

"Did he say anything about where he's from?"

Sapphire thought for a moment.

"No, but that's no reason not to trust him." she said. "Why would he tell me about it if I didn't ask?"

"Has he done anything strange before or since he got to Blast Castle?"

"He's a bit jumpy, but it's probably just nerves. This is a big castle, and you're not the friendliest looking guy, you know."

"So you know nothing about where he's from, or who he is, aside from his name?"

"Yes..." said Sapphire, searching for an excuse to give Char.

"This is why we can not trust him. We don't know who he is or what he's doing here. We don't know who he's been associated with, and we can't say for sure what his intentions are. What if he's a trained Pokémon?"

"No, he couldn't be." said Sapphire. "If not me, then somebody else would have smelled human on him. He's clean."

"Are you sure?" asked king Blastoise, unconvinced. "If humans were to find this sacred place, all the Pokémon that live here would be driven out and forced to find new homes. Many would be captured, and there would be multiple casualties."

"Dad, he's clean! Did you smell any human on him?"

"You know a Blastoise's nose is not the strongest one." said the king. "Even if he was human trained, I wouldn't be able to tell."

"Dad, you may have very accurate feelings, but so do I, and I have a feeling that this Charmander is going to do great things for this kingdom."

Blastoise considered something for a moment.

"Three days. I give him three days to impress me, and prove that he's worth keeping here. During this time, he will stay at the Pokémon Hospital."

"Dad, you know Chancey doesn't like housing guests."

"Well he can't stay in any of the habitats! We don't know what he would do!"

"Well..." said Sapphire, putting on her innocent eyes. "I thought that maybe he could stay here, at the castle..."

"No! Absolutely not!" said king Blastoise. "That's where I draw the line! I will not have a strange Pokémon staying here in the castle!"

"Come on, dad, there's plenty of rooms. You yourself said that they're never used, and if he doesn't stay here, where is he going to stay? I know for a fact that Chancey won't let him stay at the hospital."

King Blastoise appeared to be at his wit's end.

"Fine. He can stay. For three days only! Even if he impresses me, I want him moved out in three days. Do you understand?"

"Yes! Thank you dad!" she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Why don't you go show him around?" said king Blastoise. "Just be sure you don't show him anything too important."

"Okay!" Sapphire said, running to the big creaky door.

"And Sapphire!" yelled the king.

"Yeah?" she said, turning before she opened the door.

"Be careful." he said, watching her thoughtfully.

"Don't worry, dad. I can handle myself!" she said before opening the door and entering the foyer.

Blastoise thought about something for a moment, and then called two Pokémon to his side.

"Wing! Snap! Come in here!" he called.

A Pidgeot and a Scizor came running in.

"Yes my king?" they asked in sync.

"Follow my daughter and that Charmander and make sure they don't get into trouble. Be sure you're not seen. Should anything happen, you are to come tell me at once."

"Yes, your excellency!" they said, bowing to me. They then ran out into the foyer, to wait for Sapphire and Char to leave.

---

When Sapphire came out of the room, she looked very happy.

"What is it?" I asked, worried that king Blastoise had kicked me out.

"You can stay for three days." she said. "If you manage to impress my father, he'll let you stay permanently."

Yes! I thought.

I discreetly did a little fist pump.

"Come on," said Sapphire, waving for me to follow her, I'll show you around the kingdom."

We walked to the large door that we entered the castle from ten minutes ago. As we walked, I took notice of a Pidgeot and a Scizor that walked out of the throne room and casually went about inspecting the floor for any grime.

No doubt a couple of king Blastoise's servants. I thought.

I decided to forget them, and focus on the next three days that were to come, as I stepped outside the castle with Sapphire by my side.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Ventomology
Review

Back as promised!

Now then...

The first thing I really noticed was that you don't always transition from description to action very smoothly.

For instance, the first two sentences of the chapter go from "big castle" to "standing in front of doors." I know that the action was connected later in the sentence, but the fact that it was placed before an action that truly and obviously connected to "big" (staring up) made the first lines seem chunky. (This is me being super picky, so don't fret too much.)

There are also one or two places where your conjunction seems off. The only good way to fix this is to read your writing aloud (or to mouth each word, because I know not everyone wants to go blabbering their mouths in front of a computer) and write what sounds, well, right.

Also, I don't know if you've fixed this yet (I wasn't paying that much attention in the SB), but you tend to have periods inside your dialogue where your should have a comma. Remember that the tags (he said, she said, etc.) mean comma and an action without a tag means period. (Unless you use an exclamation mark or question mark because those are just weird.)

On the other hand, I appreciate the route you're taking with this. King Blastoise especially makes me happy. In a lot of "taboo" love stories, the parents are completely against everything, but here, the king's reluctant acceptance gives the story its own twist, and could cause some pretty interesting action later.

Again, lovely setting descriptions. They're very detailed, and I can see it all quite clearly.

Onwards and upwards!
-Buggie

Yes, I can assure you, the he said, she said problem was fixed. It was pointed out by Hunter and I've since been looking out for it. However, it may appear in the following chapter or two, as I don't believe he pointed it out until Chapter 4, so hope you stay with it!

User avatar
Amnesia
Review
Amnesia wrote a review · Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:20 am

I think that they should trust Charmander.....then again I always liked Charmander. Thats just my opinion.

My best friend is curious on this because she's never actually heard of a Charmander fanfiction before. She wants to know how you got this idea?. Im a Pokemon fan myself So i was happy when I saw this.
As far as I can see nothing is wrong with this chapter and it's a brilliant piece of work I hope to read more in the future :)

Keep up the great work

Well, tell your best friend that I've always wanted to write a Pokemon fanfic with the Pokemon as the protagonist. Too often I see it done from the trainer pov. As for picking a Charmander, I was looking for a well recognized, somewhat cute Pokemon that could fit the description I was looking for. I won't reveal the description, as that would be a spoiler, but I found Charmander to be a perfect candidate for this position.

User avatar
dark
Review
dark wrote a review · Tue Oct 14, 2014 3:33 pm

OOO, humans aren't trusted in this world, too!

I really hope this continues on, because I love having such a simple yet amazing story to read. I also noticed that you snuck in some Pokemon from other Generations as well. Now that's what I like to see. Most people usually stay within Gen 1 because it's easy, and I like that you've decided to break free of the Gen 1 cocoon.

So, the glorious ruler sees something off about little Char... I wonder what could be so bad...

~The dark one.

As do many Dark, as do many. But seriously, thanks for your reviews! I read them both but only commented on this one. I've been busy, so publishing has been hard but I'm going to try to get the next three chapters out by this weekend. Yes, I said THREE! As for your question about our little Charmander protagonist, all I can say is the next chapter is where the story REALLY begins.

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review

Salutations.

When first I had seen this in the Green Room, I had decided to review the first chapter first. Now that I have, I can finally review this chapter. However, I must state that this review will work differently than the previous one: I shall still use the colour-coding, except this time I shall deal with everything at once, so I shall literally be reviewing as I go along.

My legend:
red - correction
orange - suggestion
green - addition
blue - removal


As I stood in front of the large door that would lead inside the castle...

Using large in two consecutive sentences is too soon. Certain words, especially adjectives, you cannot use too often, or they will become bothersome. I advise using a synonym here.

Sapphire turned to look at me and shook her head, smiling when she saw me stumble.

I moved the comma from after me to after head, sicne then it reads better.

"You coming, Char?" she asked, holding the right side of the door open for me.

When the character asks a question, using the past simple tense of the verb ask is more suitable than that of say.

The walls were made of marble, as was the floor.

If something is the colour of marble, it probably is marble, so why not say it outright?

There were two spiral staircases on either side of the room that extended to a second floor.

I corrected the comma splice error and replaced the description of the staricase - you were referring to the kind of staircase which is round and spirals up to the next floor, right?

In between these two staircases was another large door.

Corrected another comma splice error.

She turned to me before knocking and said;

"When we get inside, just follow my lead, and stay silent as much as possible."

I was about to ask her why, when she knocked on the door.

I underlined the phrases you repeated - you must keep one, but ditch the other; I'd suggest losing the first one. (The reason for this quote is like saying, "Because he had angered her, she slapped him because he angered her." Super awkward, no?)

Three bangs resonated from the door - I could have sworn...

I exchanged the whole "so loudly, that" part for a single dash, since resonates automatically indicates loudness.

"Enter!" called a voice from the inside.

Shouted has such a negative connotation, which is why I replaced it.

She turned back to the door without a word and slowly opened it.

Comma splice error - I also place commas before my "and's", but only when it is acceptable.

The room was slightly smaller than the last, but still large at that.

Incorrect conjunction usage.

These fish weren't Pokémon, however they swam as a fish Pokémon would. Some of them even looked like a Goldeen.

This might seem shocking, but whereas Pokémon are normally only knocked out in the anime and manga, it does not work that way in the "Pokéverse". True, trainers train their Pokémon only to knock out their opponents, but what do you think the wild Pokémon eat? The answer: other Pokémon. Yes, that may create problems with your story, seeing as all Pokémon can communicate and understand each other, but then the prey will likely beg for its life, being eaten afterwards anyway. For example, I have a card of Omastar that reads, "Apparently, it cracked Shellder's shell with its sharp fangs and sucked out the insides." This clearly indicates that not only are some Pokémon predators, but they also feed off other Pokémon. One can therefore assume that if a being is not a human or an ordinary tree or plant, it is a Pokémon (for even plants are sometimes Pokémon).

The floor was gold in colour this time, with a golden wall behind it.

This creates two possibilities: one, both the floor and wall are covered in gold, or two, both the floor and walls are merely painted with golded paint (although only the colour is gold). Would you clarify?

On both sides of the far wall sat statues of Yveltal and Xerneas, Pokémon only spoke of in legend.

Xerneas = <3; Xerneas = life.

In between these two statues sat a throne, golden as the wall behind it, and on the throne sat a very impatient looking Blastoise.

(I shall from now on only remove unnecessary commas, and not comment on it specifically, so you should be on the lookout for more comma splice errors.) Usually, when someone looks impatient, they are.

The Blastoise looked just like a regular Blastoise in colour, and nothing was very remarkable about him, except the fact that this particular Pokémon simply exuded power and importance.

I'm all for long and detailed descriptions, but if you're only going to say the Blastoise looks normal, you can do shorten the description.

Unless the position of the sun is lying, you are half an hour late!

The text in blue I advise removing because it is unnecessary. The text in orange... Contractions such as you're are colloquialisms, and colloquial language is never used by royalty except in the most private of situations.

"King Blastoise, Char. Char, king Blastoise."

(-_-) This is how Sapphire might have introduced Char to her father was he not also a king. Also, how is "King Blastoise" more original than "Char"? The latter is at least a shortened variation of the species name, but the former is merely the species name with a title preceding it. If the castle's name is "Blast Castle", why can the king's name not simply be "Blast"?

I quickly dipped my head down to avoid being rude.

Rapidly refers to an accelerating, continuous movement, whereas a bow is a single movement with a definite beginning and end, so the former is not a suitable modifier for the latter.

"D-dad?" I said, barely able to get the words out. "H-he's your dad?!"

Is Char ignorant, or simply incompetent - does he not know Squirtle's evolutionary line? And why else would Sapphire lead him to the castle if she did not know the king?

"Relax dad, he's a bit nervous, as you can tell. Maybe go for a bit friendlier?"

No matter how good her relationship with her father is, Sapphire seems a little overconfident. I know I wouldn't talk to my father in that way, nor would he permit it.

"Sapphire, can I please speak to you alone?" He looked at me as he said this.

You were supposed to capitalise the he here...

"Alright." I said, feeling worried about what they were going to discuss.

The whole "at what they were about to talk about" part reads uncomfortably, so I improved on it.

We can't trust him. I don't know what it is about that Charmander, but I know he's bad news.

Or maybe the king isn't blind and sees his daughter is in love...

"This is why we cannot trust him.

Can not is a spelling error.

"Dad, you may have very accurate feelings, but so do I, and I have a feeling that this Charmander is going to do great things for this kingdom."

*raises eyebrow* Is she a psychic Squirtle now?

"Dad, you know Chancey doesn't like housing guests."

Only Ash is allowed to give his Pokémon the same name as their species.

"Don't worry, dad. I can handle myself!"

She is a water type and Char is a fire type...

"Yes my king" they asked simultaneously.

I happen to know quite a lot about the literal and figurative meanings of synchronisity, and speaking at once does not happen to be one of them.

Yes! I thought. I discreetly did a little fist pump.

Placing text in italics, especially when emphasis is not the desired result, usually means that text is a thought. (I like this little Charmander - he has attitude, but in a good way.) Also, these two paragraphs should be one.

As we walked, I took notice of a Pidgeot and a Scizor that walked out of the throne room and casually went about inspecting the floor for any grime.

No doubt a couple of King Blastoise's servants. I thought.

Yeah, because Pokémon as powerful and important as a Pigeot and Scizor are the perfect Pokémon to be cleaning floors... (Also, you should know that a rank/title is always capitalised when it is used to address someone.)

I decided to forget them, and focus on the next three days that were to come, as I stepped outside the castle with Sapphire by my side.

Your whole concluding sentence is ineffective. I would advise writing a new one.


Overall, you made a lot of technical errors in this chapter. You should especially focus on reducing the frequency with which you make the comma splice error (putting commas in inappropriate places) and using the correct punctuation marks at the end of your dialogue (here, commas should be the predominant punctuation mark).

The whole scene where King Blastoise (I really do think it would be better if you simply called him "King Blast") addresses Sapphire while Char is present is woefully lacking in the formality one would expect from a conversation with the king. It would be far more realistic if his vocabulary was more formal and if he used the Imperial "we" and "us".

Also, the king seems to be as prejudiced towards Char and his being "bad" as Sapphire is optimistic in his "greatness". Of course, Char is the protagonist of the story, so it is almost a prerequisite that he must fulfill the role of hero. I wonder what his adventures might be, especially now that I know it is not only Kanto's regional Pokémon which are to feature in the story (the presence of a Scizor instead of a Scyther and the referrence to Xerneas and Yveltal make that quite obvious), so I am even more intrigued...

You seem to have created an excellent introduction to what is sure to be an excellent story, although I would like better names that simply that of the species... ;) I am excited as to how things will unfold. Here's hoping chapter three will be released soon.

This review courtesy of
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Hi. Sorry for the shortness of this reply, but my computer deleted my really long one. (Why computer, why?!) Anyways, thanks for the review. As you know, your opinion is much appreciated, and I hope to see more reviews from you in the future.

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BillieJean
Review

Hello! Billie Jean here reporting for review duty!!! (okay that sounded super dorky)

Okay so I really, really like this story-it's just so cute and adorable! I used to play this game a lot. I would watch the show, collect the cards, and of course play the game. I really like the layout of you story and I can't wait to read more!!!

Okay, so although I really like your story there is a few transitioning errors I would look into. Your story need a bit more fluency. You did a pretty good job with transitioning between the dialogue but I would stop and add a little more description here and there, maybe even some action.

I'm not to write a long review because first of all I actually think your story is pretty good the way it is and secondly its getting really late where I'm at. So goodbye, good job, and keep up the hard work!!

Hi! Thanks for the compliment! That was really nice. I hope you stick around for the rest of the story because it's going to get real good real fast.



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li