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The Tale of a Charmander (A Pokemon Story) Chapter 4; Blazing Sand

Sapphire and I stepped through another gate. This one read; Beach. I had a love/hate relationship with beaches. I hated the water, as simply dipping my tail in it would kill me. To be honest, it scared me. However, I loved the sand. It was so warm and felt great against my body. Of course, I didn't tell Sapphire this though when she asked me if I wanted to visit the Beach. Being afraid of water wasn't a very manly fear, so instead, I simply replied;

"Yeah, the beach sounds great!"

What did they call it? Aqua- Aquaphobia? Yeah, not a very scary sounding threat. To most people anyways. I looked at the ground as I walked. I felt embarrassed to call myself tough, being afraid of the one thing that keeps all creatures alive. Sapphire must have seen this on my face, as a few moments later, she asked me;

"Are you okay, Char?"

Her voice was soft and full of worry. I'd never heard anyone talk to me like that before. It instantly made me feel a little better.

"Yeah, I'm alright." I said, never looking her in the eyes.

"You can tell me if something's wrong, you know."

I considered it for a moment, but decided against it. No way was I going to ruin Sapphire's day with some pathetic fear of water.

"Really, Sapph, I'm fine." I said, looking up and smiling a little.

A look of mixed amusement and confusion spread across her face.

"Sapph?" she teased.

I re-fixated my gaze upon the ground and felt my face grow hot for the second time today.

Why am I blushing so much?

It was infuriating. No matter what you tried, you could never keep a masculine image up around Sapphire. Or at least I couldn't. Thankfully, she didn't catch my blush, and once again, I thanked my lucky stars.

We stepped onto the warm sand. As it sifted through my toes, I scanned the beach, looking at all the Pokemon. There must have been a hundred of them.

"I know what you're thinking," Sapphire said, glancing at me. "There are going to be Pokemon looking at you because you're a fire type in a water type habitat."

My eyes almost popped out of my head in alarm. I had never once thought of that. I suddenly felt like all eyes were on me. I wasn't typically afraid of crowds, but this was unsettling. Sapphire wasn't done talking though.

"Well, don't worry about it." she said. "The Beach, like the Meadow, is a welcome area to all types. I mean, unless you can't stand water, who wouldn't want to spend time on the beach?"

She knows. No, wait, how could she? I never told her anything. She was just making a statement.

Her statement hurt. I felt absolutely terrible knowing that out of more than a hundred Pokémon on this beach, I was the only wimp. I couldn't keep up the act of hiding my fear any longer, so I focused on the sand. It was soft and comforting, but it didn't cheer me up. Sapphire turned to say something but then saw the look on my face. If she wasn't sure that something was wrong before, she certainly was now. Instead of asking me about it though, she turned to look at the ground. She wore an expression of guilt on her face.

"It was something I said, wasn't it?" she mumbled.

I didn't respond. I didn't want to make her feel like it was her fault that I felt awful, but truthfully... it was. She had made me feel wimpy without even realizing it. I wasn't sure whether to be mad at her or myself.

Myself. Definitely myself. It's my fear. She just pointed it out without knowing.

"Char?" she said, awaiting a response.

"I'm just... I'm afraid of..."

I couldn't finish the sentence.

"Water?" she whispered.

I nodded slowly. I didn't want to look at Sapphire. I didn't need to see her face to know she was disappointed. But, then she laughed.

"Well, it was stupid of me to think you would like the water anyway! You're a Charmander! That tail is about as waterproof as a sponge!"

I laughed. She really did understand.

Maybe this day isn't going to be so bad after all.

Minutes later, Sapphire and I sat on the sand, not too far from the water, watching the waves lap the shore.

"Hey Sapphire?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"You said humans never returned to the kingdom when they were driven out because of the forest's density. Well, what about about the ocean? How did the humans never find this place with their boats?"

"You can't see it, but a couple of miles out, there are rock formations too jagged and clustered for any human ship to sail around. They stretch around the whole kingdom."

"That's pretty lucky, having all those rocks placed precisely where you want them."

"Well, it had less to do with luck, more to do with work. You see, once the humans were driven out, all the strong Pokémon of the kingdom - like the Machoke and Gurdurr - carried big rocks out to sea by riding on the backs of Lapras. When the rocks were in place, many rock type Pokémon were then carried to the rocks, where they used Rock Polish to carve them into jagged spikes, and just like that, the ocean problem was eliminated."

Amazed once again by the creativity of the Pokémon of the Kingdom of Peace, I stared out at the glimmering water, so clear that you could likely see the bottom for miles. It was so pretty, I almost wished I could swim in it. As I turned to speak to Sapphire, I noticed she was looking equally mesmerized by it's beauty. Laughing, I elbowed her and said;

"You want to go swimming, don't you?"

"Well," she started, "to be honest, yeah, I kind of do."

"Go ahead." I said, smiling warmly.

"Really? You won't be lonely?"

"Not at all. I get to relax on this comfy sand while you have fun in the water. It's not loneliness, it's self indulgence."

Sapphire rolled her eyes and ran to the water, grinning wildly. I relaxed my head on the sand and closed my eyes.

This is the life.

I felt a jolt of pain in my side as something fell over me. I opened my eyes and sprung to my feet, looking down at whatever had kicked me. It was another Charmander. As it got to it's feet and turned to face me, I saw that it was a girl. She had the orange Charmander body and cream belly as well. Her eyes were emerald green, however. She was barely shorter than I was, but she would likely have to stand on her toes to reach my height.

"What'd you do that for?!" I yelled, clenching my fists.

She had struck my side really hard.

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry," she said in shock, hands against her open mouth, "I didn't see you against the sand!"

"How could you miss me? I'm not invisible, you know!"

"I wasn't looking at the ground, I was counting the clouds! I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"

"Counting clouds?" I asked, anger being replaced with curiosity.

"Yeah," she said, blushing a little, "It's just something I do when I walk along the beach. It's one of the best places to look at the clouds. Really though, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I said, "It hurts a little, but I'll live."

"That's good, I guess. I'm Blaze, by the way."

She extended her paw for me to shake.

"I'm Char," I said, taking her paw and shaking it firmly, "Nice to meet you."

Then the conversation grew silent. We simply looked at the ground. She was really quite cute. When our eyes met, she darted hers away.

By the looks of things, she's pretty shy. Not at all like-

"Hey Blaze!" shouted Sapphire, appearing behind me. 

"Well, speak of the devil." I muttered.

"Hey Sapph! Hey Will!"

"Will?" I said, looking at the Pokémon she was standing beside.

He was a Wartortle who had the muscles of a Machop and the entitled look of a ruler. He instantly reminded me of the King. He wore a smug expression over his deep blue face and his equally blue eyes glinted in the sunlight.

"Oh, Char, this is Will," said Sapphire, suddenly remembering I was here. "Will, this is Char. I also see you've already met Blaze."

"Nice to meet you Will." I said, holding my paw out for him to shake.

However, he folded his arms and frowned at me.

"It's William to you."

"Come on, Will, be nice." said Sapphire, turning toward him.

Instead, though, he simply looked at me, displeased.

"What is he doing here?" he asked Sapphire, still watching me.

"Will, you know the beach is open for every-"

"I meant," said Will, cutting Sapphire off, "what is he doing here, in the kingdom?"

"Yeah," added Blaze, in a more friendly tone, "I've never seen you around before."

"He's a Pokémon in search of a home," Sapphire answered, "My father has let him stay for a while."

"A wanderer?" said Will in shock, "Oh great! Because we needed more of those around!"

"Will!" yelled Sapphire.

"I'm just kidding!" he said defensively, "Jeesh!"

I was beginning to not like this Pokémon. He was only out for trouble. I set my jaw and decided to stay quiet. If I said anything now, it would most likely be some snappy comeback, and I didn't want to start a fight.

"Well, I have places to be and things to do," said Will. "Catch you later Sapphire. You too Blaze."

As he walked away, he brushed past me, but stopped just long enough for me to hear him say;

"Stay away from Sapphire, you pathetic salamander, or you'll wish you'd never found this place."

I narrowed my eyes. I could feel my jaw muscles clenching harder than ever.

I can't stand that guy.

I turned to look at Sapphire, and saw her eyes locked on Will. She appeared as if in a trance. I snapped my fingers and she blinked a couple times, then carried on the conversation as if nothing had happened.

"Well, the sun's going down. I'm heading back to the castle Char. Come find me when you're done here. You know the way, right?"

I nodded as she waved goodbye to Blaze and I and walked off.

"Shouldn't there be someone protecting her?" I asked Blaze, watching Sapphire walk back to town.

"Oh, don't worry about Sapphire," she reassured, "She can take care of herself."

She then turned to face me.

"Um, Char?" she began, "Exactly how long are you going to be in the Kingdom of Peace?"

"For the next two days, unless I can impress the King." I replied.

"Do you know how you're going to do that?"

"To be honest... no, I don't."

"Well, I hope you figure it out. I wouldn't be very happy if you left."

She then hopped on her toes and kissed me quickly on the cheek. She took a few steps back, blushing all the time, and then ran away. I simply stood, rooted to the spot, the sun setting behind my back. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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Ventomology
Review

I must know; did you get hydrophobia wrong on purpose? Also, since every other named pokemon so far has something bordering on a pun, I am curious how Will got his name.

Anyways, onto the review!

Allow me to warn you that the path you are treading is dangerously close to cliche. While there are some things that make this story unique, there are others (like the rivals in love) that make me feel like it's something I've seen before, and seen many times. I'm not against romance or rivalries, but Will's archetype especially is something I've seen too often.

This is just my advice and personal preference, but you may want to diversify your sentence structures a bit more. A huge percentage of these start with the subject of the sentence, and switching it up can make your writing seem a little more mature.

On the other hand, I do like Blaze. Often, lady rivals are portrayed as being rather vicious towards one another, so this was a good change of pace.

I'm glad you haven't mentioned the two spies at all yet. I nearly forgot they were around until I started writing the review. The fact that they're doing a good job staying hidden, and out of Char's suspicion is excellent.

I'll be moving on now!
-Buggie

Well, that was my mistake. Hydrophobia. Gotta get around to fixing that.

User avatar
dark
Review
dark wrote a review · Fri Jan 02, 2015 5:01 am

Well, done! You're only showing improvement at this point. I rathe enjoyed it I must say. I see that we've got some new characters as well. Allow me to asses them...

First we've got this with muscled up Will fellow. He's certainly got the personality of a Wartortle, all mean n' such, and seems to not be too fond of our little Char as well. I gotta say I can't wait to see him again...

Next we've got this hot (excuse my pun I'm tired) little lady Blaze. Oh, I see, two love interest for Char, how lovely. As shy as Blaze acted though, she seemed pretty bold to kiss Char so suddenly. Maybe she's just friendly........

Oh dear, I've gotta move on now. Keep it up, you've got this story down pat (I think that's how it goes) already!

~The dark one.

Glad you're still liking it!

User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review

Salutations!

Yay, Chapter Four has finally been released! However, you once again forgot to tag me. Fortunately, I was scrolling through the Green Room and noticed this.

So... if you were looking for a review that pointed out everything wrong in this chapter, then you will have to be disappointed. ;) Seriously, this is probably your best chapter yet, and it is clear that you really thought this one through. (Excuse the end-of-sentence preposition.)

My Legend:
Red - correction
Orange - suggestion
Green - addition
Blue - removal


This one read: Beach.

Just a typo caused by not pressing "Shift".


Of course, I didn't tell Sapphire this though when she asked me if I wanted to visit the Beach.

The conjunction "of course" is a suitable substitution for the preposition "though", and since it appears earlier in the sentence, removing the latter is suggested.


Being afraid of water wasn't a very manly fear, so instead, I simply replied,/: "Yeah, the beach sounds great!"

I like your first paragraph: it is straightforward and quickly establishes the theme of the chapter. In addition, it reveals quite a lot about Char as a character. We already know he fancies Sapphire, but now we also know he is subjected to and greatly influenced by society's view of masculinity. His fear of water is certainly understandable - he is a Fire type and Fire types are, after all, weak to Water type attacks - but that does not mean he needs to fear being judged because of it. (This is just an observation and not an implication that you have characterised Char incorrectly; his thoughts are quite common.)

However, the quoted sentence is not correctly formatted. You can use either a comma or a colon to introduce dialogue, but not a semi-colon. Furthermore, the dialogue normally follows directly after that comma or colon.


What did they call it? Aqua- Aquaphobia? Yeah, not a very scary sounding threat. To most people anyways.

I looked at the ground as I walked.

I suggest starting a new paragraph as indicated. The first one continues with the idea that aquaphobia is a fear that only weak people have, while the second focusses on his reaction to his thoughts.


Her voice was soft and full of worry. I'd never heard anyone talk to me like that before. It instantly made me feel a little better.

I understand that you wish to communicate that Char has experienced much neglect in his life outside the Kingdom of Peace, but you should try to show this more subtly, lest people think you are overdoing it.


"Really, Sapph, I'm fine." I looked up and smiled a little.

You have already established that they are having a conversation, so saying "said" too many times becomes annoying. Rather change the part after it to a description of his actions, as shown, since it keeps things interesting and makes the text more powerful.


It was infuriating. No matter what you tried, you could never keep a masculine image up around Sapphire.

Obviously, Char has feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, but this might be taking it a little too far, like you are trying too hard to show these feelings.


Thankfully, she didn't catch my blush, and once again, I thanked my lucky stars.

With orange scales, I think it is rather difficult for anyone to see him blush. ;)


"Well, it had less to do with luck, more to do with work. You see, once the humans were driven out, all the strong Pokémon of the kingdom - like the Machoke and Gurdurr - carried big rocks out to sea by riding on the backs of Lapras. When the rocks were in place, many rock type Pokémon were then carried to the rocks, where they used Rock Polish to carve them into jagged spikes, and just like that, the ocean problem was eliminated."

Yay - you took my advice into account! Though I am glad that you applied it to something different as well. By giving the readers this kind of information, you make the whole reading experience more satisfying because you know you don't have to ask the author for information, which means they actually are competent and understand the psyche of the reader.


It's not loneliness, it's self-indulgence.

Words which form a combination of "well" or "self" are usually hyphenated.


"What'd you do that for?!" I yelled, clenching my fists. She had struck my side really hard.

Thoughts like these don't have to be separate from the related dialogue.


"That's good, I guess. I'm Blaze, by the way."

Not exactly the most feminine of names, but it will suffice.


She was really quite cute. When our eyes met, hers darted away.

Oh, I like what you have done here. It really is quite ingenious: introducing two characters, both of whom the protagonist finds attractive, but while he has greater feelings of affection for the one, the other is a more suitable choice. This will create some intersting conflict later int he story. Well done.


However, he folded his arms and frowned at me. "It's William to you."

*glares at the turtle* Oh, and once again, these paragraphs should be one. Remember, dialogue does not always have to stand alone.


"Will!" exclaimed Sapphire.

"Yell" is perhaps to strong a word here. In fact, even something as neutral as "admonished" could work.


She then hopped on her toes and kissed me quickly on the cheek. She took a few steps back, blushing all the time, and then ran away. I simply stood, rooted to the spot, the sun setting behind my back.

A more impressive conclusion I could not have written no matter how I tried.


This chapter has been well worth the wait! However, I must state how cruel you are that I have to wait until next year for chapter five! ;)

Happy Christmas, and a prosperous New Year!

(PS: This is JamesHunt, just so you know - I simply underwent a username change.)


This review brought to you by
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TOOTHLESS!!!!!!!!!! But seriously, thanks for the review! And fear not, you may not have to wait until next year at all! It's already halfway done, and I'm planning on working on it tonight. Consider it a New Year's gift. Also, when I saw the new name, I was psyched because I had received a new message, review and gift! I thought you were a new person entirely! I only figured it out because you didn't change your profile pic. (Thank heavens!) Anyways, with a new name comes, well, a new name, or rather, what I call you by. Clearly, JamesHunt is no longer acceptable, so I found a compromise that'll keep it close to home, but incorporate your new name. How does 'Hunter' sound to you? Can't wait for your review on chapter 5! I really think you're going to love it! The story will be getting even deeper. Into such depths, that it will finally begin to shape the tale I've been planning on telling for a long, long time. Excited?

Indeed! I can barely wait to read it...

Oh, and you can still call me James, if you want to, but Hunter is what I would prefer people to call me when not calling me James. So, I am perfectly delighted either way. :D

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SuperGamer991 Review

Good job on the latest chapter Charizard821. It was good, I really liked how you added another charmander into the mix. Will I do not like, but Blaze looks like she has some potential to grow on me and become one of my favorite characters in this fanfic. I like how you have Blaze liking Char, and it looks like Char liking Sapphire. I am just wondering who will Char go after now and will Sapphire get jealous of Blaze liking Char. You have a lot of possibility and potential with this, so please don't mess it up. One thing is that you did use one old thing of a jerk liking the same character as the protagonist does but I believe you can make your own spin on it work and have it enhance the story. So far the story is coming along great in my opinion and I say just don't do anything that could mess it up, do take some risks but nothing that WILL fail and make your story worse. But so far you are making a story that has great potential and I am liking a lot so far, keep up the great work Charizard821.

Don't worry. Will isn't going to be any classic jerk. You'll see what I mean soon.



i love writing and i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing
— Corvid