Bridgid awakens, her hands bound, to find Brian staring at her with a cruel smirk on his face. Brian chuckles to himself as Bridgid, with a quiet groan, stuggles to a sitting position. She glares at him and tosses her head to get her long red hair out of her face.
"What are you laughing at?"
"You... you seriously thought you could get away from me!" Brian starts full-out laughing. Bridgid glares at him again.
"It worked well enough until I hit that tree."
"Well it worked out perfectly for me. Now that I have you, I can successfully dethrone your father."
"Why do you hate my father so much? He hasn't done anything to you."
"You seriously don't know? A long time ago, your father and I were friends. We were both candidates to become the next Ard Ri. As you can see, your father became the Ard Ri."
"So your jealous that Father won and you didn't."
"Yes and I intend to take what is rightfully mine. "
"And how do you intend to do that?"
"It's very simple, actually. I just threaten you and Kieran will do whatever I want, even surrender his life to me."
"You will not succeed! My father is much too wise to be threatened by you!"
Then Brian, angered by Bridgid's words walks over and slaps Bridgid hard on the cheek. A moment later, a large stone lifts from off the ground, flies through the air and hits Brian in the head knocking him out.
Cathleen, struggling with her bonds cries out in fear " Who's There?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
I have possibly told you this in person, so bear with me.
You would be aided greatly by being aware of the format you've chosen. This reads like a passage out of a chapter rather than a chapter itself. I still contest that this is to short- or at least it feels like it's too short. If you were posting weekly or bi-monthly this wouldn't be as big of a problem.
Also, changing the main characters name is fine, but you did so without warning. You have to put yourself in your reader's position. Until I was told, I did not know what was happening.
Before you start thinking that I'm harsh, remember that you don't really benefit unless I give you my honest opinion. I was actually rather disappointed- with part three I thought you had really found your stride, so to speak.
Um.
...
. . . - you put spaces in between those.
whatever Chris!
Hey! Pix here to review!
This was good, just I think you should break it apart like so-
"Bridgid awakens, her hands bound, to find Brian staring at her with a cruel smirk on his face. Brian chuckles to himself as Bridgid, with a quiet groan, stuggles to a sitting position. She glares at him.
"What are you laughing at?"
"You... you seriously thought you could get away from me!" Brian starts full-out laughing. Bridgid glares at him again.
"It worked well enough until I hit that tree."
"Well it worked out perfectly for me. Now that I have you, I can successfully dethrone your father."
"Why do you hate my father so much? He hasn't done anything to you."
"You seriously don't know? A long time ago, your father and I were friends. We were both candidates to become the next Ard Ri. As you can see, your father became the Ard Ri."
"So your jealous that Father won and you didn't."
"Yes and I intend to take what is rightfully mine. "
"And how do you intend to do that?"
"It's very simple actually I just threaten you and Kieran will do whatever I want even surrender his life to me ."
"You won't succeed. Father is much too smart to believe that you would hurt me." Brian, angry at Bridgid's words, walks over and, with a growl, kicks Bridgid roughly in the side. As Bridgid lies there in the grass gasping in pain, Brian turns away from her chuckling to himself. As he walks away from Bridgid, she sees a small rock lift into the air. The rock flies through the air and hits Brian in the head knocking him out."
Just makes it easier to read.
~Katie.