Cathleen, terrified at being discovered, attempts to figure out her chances of escape.
What am I going to do now? If I stay here I'll be killed and Father will have no chance.
Cathleen sees Ryan standing there looking curiously at her when it hits her that that is her best method of escape. She jumps on Ryan and the two of them burst out of the stable in a massive display of energy and strength. They speed down Tara Hill with Ryan running at full gallop and Brian and his men hot on their trail.
Trying desperately to keep her grip on Ryans mane, Cathleen attempts to think of where to go. Who would take her in? Who would help her and her father?
Who can I go to? The Druids? No. They didn't want Father on the throne in the first place because mom was one of the faery folk. Farmers? They don't mind Father being the High King, or most of them don't, but I don't think they would fare well agianst Brian's men. Perhaps St. Bridgid of Kildare? Maybe she can help us. I will try it. But how am I supposed to get there with Brian chasing me?
Up ahead just off the path, Cathleen remembers a small forest.Thick enough that Cathleen and Ryan aren't easily seen but thin enough in places that they can gallop through to the other side easily.
That's it! We'll just go through the woods.
As the forest comes into view, Cathleen struggles to guide her frightened stallion into the woods.
"Come on boy, I know, you don't like going through the forest, but we don't have much of a choice here. Please, Ryan, do it for Father."
Cathleen jerks Ryan's mane roughly in the direction of the forest. Oh, how she hates to force him to do this.
Finally, Cathleen and Ryan enter the dense forest. The woods look creepy this night in spite of the fact that it is springtime and all the trees are in bloom. Cathleen chances a quick look back. Are there less riders following her than before or is it just her imagination? There were at least two dozen following her before. Now that number seems to have shrank to half that amount. A chill races down her spine whether it was from the spring chill in the night air or the fear pounding in her chest Cathleen doesn't know. Cathleen quickly shakes off the thought. Surely her mind is just playing tricks on her.
Then, just as she turns around, Cathleen sees a low hanging limb. Before she has time to duck out of the way, Cathleen collides with the branch, falling to the ground unconscious with Ryan standing beside her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Your style had improved quite a bit between Part 2 and 3, which is kind of jarring despite the fact that I liked this chapter quite a bit. Also, there's the fact that you didn't mention her faerie heritage in the first two chapters- this leads me to believe you decided to add this on later (or maybe I just missed it?). It might be a good idea to do some editing, as most people will read the first two parts before reading the third.
In every area, but especially in characterization, I see your improvement. Viewing the evolution of a writer over two years time is quite fascinating.
Hello Celtic!
I'm glad you reminded me, truth was, I read this a couple of days ago but had to go somewhere and forgot to review it when I got back. So, here I am!
Re-reading this has given me a chance to look at it with a set of fresh eyes, and I do have some nitpicks for you today. I think that your story idea has a lot of promise and I see nothing wrong with it in particular, but there were a few grammatical errors that looked like you just forgot to use spell-check or were just typing too fast. I know what it's like to let my fingers get away from my thoughts.
desperately, Ryan's
Add a space after the period.
Comma after please.
Now, onto the execution and style. Personally, when I write, I tend to use the past tense. "Attempted" instead of "attempts", "saw" instead of "sees", just to give you an idea. It allows the mind a chance to catch up while things are happening, or so I think. But everyone has their own styles and preferences. You don't necessarily have to write in the past tense, but I just thought I should bring it up.
There are a lot of things happening in such a short space. Bridgid escapes on horseback, has thoughts, decides on a course of action, rides into a forest, has more thoughts about the people chasing her, and then gets whacked on the head and loses consciousness. The problem that I have is that I didn't really get any images from what was happening. It was hard to picture what occurs. Sure, you tell us what Bridgid is doing and thinking, but you don't really describe the processes as well as I know that you can.
I want to feel like I'm Bridgid and I'm racing for my life. Or even better, I want to see her in my head, with her hair blowing in the wind of her momentum as she scurries for her life. The sights, sounds, terror of the flight need to be included. What does the forest look like? Are the tree in bloom? Is it Autumn? How many men were chasing her? Did they look cruel/have weird haircuts/ride horses after her? Was Ryan a big horse/was he brown/shifty/was his mane long and tangled when she held on? These sort of things really make a story, well, a story.
I know you're probably regretting asking me to come review your work, and I apologize if I seem a little too nit-picky. I just believe in your ability and I think you can do so much better. This is my way of helping you. Another piece of advice I can give is in reference to Bridgid's thoughts. You need to separate them from the rest of the description and the same goes for dialogue. I will illustrate.
And then there are the questions that you keep asking the reader. Like this one. *points up at quote* You can change "But what other choice does she have?" to "But it is her only choice" or something along those lines. That way the reader doesn't have to stop and think to themselves "I don't know, I wasn't given a list of choices." Save the questions for thoughts and dialogue.
Alrighty, I'm done. Really. I hope you don't think I've been cruel. Cuz I'm not. This is just how I show affection--by correcting people's grammar. *sigh* Also why I'm going to be an English teacher.
Now for my final remarks! I love the storyline, I love the content, I love the themes, I love your choice in music, and I love the setting of this whole shebang. *raises eyebrow* But I don't want to see any more bad grammar, ya hear?
Happy Writing!
Wolfie
Hiya, Celtic!
Once again, this is action-packed, with a suspensful ending! It also triggers quite a few questions: Why is Ryan scared of the forest? Why would people dislike Brigid's father because of his wife's race? And perhaps most importantly: How is Brigid going to escape from Brian when she's just been knocked out?!
All in all, keep up the good work and please pm me when you post the next part!