"Brian, my old friend. What brings ye here?" Kieran's arms relax and fall to his sides as he sighs with relief. The white haired man dismounts and walks over to embrace Kieran.
"Really no reason. Some friends and I have been away on a long trip and I was hoping we could stay with ye for the night," says Brian.
"Of course! You all are welcome here!" Kieran embraces his friend.
Meanwhile, Cathleen is pacing the stone floor of the throne room in anxiety. Why is he taking so long? I hope he is alright. Who were those people? In spite of the servants' attempts to calm her, she could not keep from worrying about her beloved father. Then, she looks up expectantly when she hears the throne room doors open. "Father!" she exclaims as she sees her father and dances into his open arms. Her father hugs her for a moment, kisses her head gently then proceeds to introduce the guests. "Cathleen, this is my friend Brian. Brian, this my daughter Cathleen."
"Well now, I believe I have seen ye before. You were the girl, on horseback, I saw as I approached the castle aren't you?"
"Yes-sir, that was me."
Brian smiles giving Cathleen chills.
Later that crystal clear, chilly night, Cathleen is awaked by the sound of upset horses. Groggily, she gets out of bed, slips on her shoes and her emerald gown she was wearing earlier in the day. Grabbing a candle, she makes her way down to the stables where the servants should be tending to the horses; she'll just ask why the horses are so upset this evening. She descends the stairs slowly and quietly so as to not wake the company. There is just something about Brian that really makes Cathleen uncomfortable.
Upon arriving at the stables, Cathleen is surprised to see that there are no servants tending the horses this night. Cathleen walks over to Ryan quietly and soflty soothes him while running her hand through his brownish-red mane.
As Ryan calms down Cathleen can hear angry voices speaking quietly.
"We all agree then? Something must be done to get Kieran off the throne."
"We will have to take care of that spoiled little brat of a daughter of his too." Bridgid gasps. How dare they speak like this! My father has done nothing to deserve to be taken off the throne. Just because my mother was not human doesn't mean that father is not worthy of being the High King. Cathleen looks up to find that Brian and his company have discovered her.
"A sneaky little fox ye are!" Brian angrily pushes past his men to try to grab Cathleen.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hi!
This is a very nice story, it's a really good idea. Cathleen is a very interesting character, but I would like to get more inside her head, I would wish the story was told in first person, but that is just my opinion
I thought her reaction to hearing Brian and the others conversation was a bit odd. Instead og being shocked about how they dare to speak like that, she should be more surprised about their secret agenda.
But the ending was still good, it makes me want to keep reading your story:)
Good job, I look forward to reading more from you
I can tell this is where you started to get comfortable. The plot thickens and the characters are starting to develop- slowly, as all good characters do. Trying to force it makes everything feel fake. One has to let them grow naturally, yes?
Hey Celtic, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
my.
I thought they had already embraced.
servants'.
she
II. YE
This is just a little thing. Yes. Irish people say ye all the time, even today. However they only say it if the "you" is plural. Make sense? So Kieran might say, "Ye are welcome" if he's talking to all of them, but if he's only talking to one of them, then it'd be "You are welcome." When asking if she was the girl on the horse, Brian would definitely say "you." Only use ye if it's to more than one person. And don't force the colloquialisms too much- if you use too many it ends up sounding really forced.
III. POINT OF VIEW
I think it's something you need to clear up. I don't like omniscient third person. If you want to switch from Kieran to Bridgid, that's fine, but make sure you make a definitive shift, don't just melt from one to the other. Again, my advice in these situations is always to go pick a novel up off the shelf. An author who just shifts point of view regularly in a scene can seem sloppy. If Bridgid is your main character, then focus on her more. And try to get us into her head more, let us live through the events with her rather than just looking on as an outsider. Run her emotions through everyone. Get us into her head. For example:
"Meanwhile, Bridgid is pacing the stone floor of the throne room in anxiety. Why is he taking so long? I hope he is alright. Who were those people?"
could be
"Bridgid looks up again at a noise from outside, hoping it is her father, only to find it is just a servant moving outside the door. She resumes pacing, worried. Why is he taking so long? Who were those people?"
If you put us in her head the whole way through, it's less of a jolt when you suddenly show us a glimpse of her thoughts. Make sense?
III. OVERALL
It's already better than the first part
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Ooh, cliff-hanger ending! (My favorite kind!)
Keep writing!
This is pretty fast-paced, with lots of intrigue. A plot to overthrow the High King? Uh oh. That can't be good. And then there's the hint that Brigid isn't completely human... I'm doing my best to try to guess just what her mother was! (A faerie, perhaps?)
This is a good start!