This was so totally an English assignment.
Act I: Tibalt and Juliet
Tibalt: Yo, Juliet.
Juliet: ‘Sup, cuz?
Tibalt: Wel I wuz ch@n wit Abraham n do u wnt to kno wut those gud fer nuttin mntagues did in Verona 2day?
Tibalt: 1 of them flipped the finger n mocked us Capulets!
Juliet: NO WAI!
Tibalt: YA! RLY! He wuz Tweeting as it happened.
Tibalt: I KNO!
Juliet: Srry I g2g. Mom is calling.
Tibalt: K. TTYL
Act I: Benvolio and Mercutio
Mercutio1594: So wuts up wit Romeo boy?
Benvolio: Ah, he seems to be in quite the predicament. See, he fell in love with a nun.
Mercutio1594: OIC. Remnds me o the time wen I had a luv uffair wit a membr of the clerjee.
Benvolio: You misspelled “clergy.” And you had a love affair with a priest?
Mercutio1594: EW NO!
Benvolio: A monk, then?
Mercutio1594 has put you on ignore.
Act II: Romeo and Juliet
Juliet: Who r u?
Romeo: I am your knight in shining armor, my lady, the one who shall always be by your side no matter the danger, for my heart has hopelessly fallen for your grace and beauty. Yes, those eyes of yours twinkle like the brightest stars and your cheeks – as well as the rest of your face - put those stars to shame. I would love nothing more tha--
Romeo: Ah, my apologies. I typed too many characters and it cut me off.
Juliet: Thts wut ch@speek is 4.
Romeo: But I would not dare to speak so informally to my one true love, especially since it is our first time conversing.
Juliet: Dnt wry. Its cool.
Say, rnt u tht mntague who wuz @ the parT?
Romeo: I shall be a Montague if you wish.
Juliet: Thts not rly helpful.
How did u get this # neway?
Romeo: True love knows no bounds, my angel.
Juliet: Is tht so, my prince? Thn I hope 1 as devoted as u wil not mind me askin a small favor.
Romeo: Anything for you, my dear.
Juliet: Y dnt u cum to my bedroom blcony 2night? If tru luv is as strng as u say it is u shuld hav no truble getting heer.
Romeo: Truth be told, my fair lady, I’m actually sitting atop the wall to the Capulet orchard.
Juliet: NO WAI! Lemme look!
OICU! HIIII!!! :DDDDDD
Romeo: Fear not, dear angel, I shall be at your side in the blink of an eye.
Juliet: K. Looking 4ward 2 it! :D
Act III: Benvolio and Mercutio
Mercutio1594: OMG BENVOLIO HELP ME!11!!1!111!!1!!!!
Benvolio: Mercutio? No longer ignoring me, I see. What ails you, pray tell?
Mercutio1594: I’VE BIN STABBED!!!!!1111!1!!1!!!1!11
Benvolio: Correction: been.
And go find a doctor.
Mercutio1594: Dude, not funy!
Benvolio: Mercutio. Go. Find. A. Doctor.
Mercutio1594: A plague on both your houses!
Benvolio: …What did I do to you?
Mercutio1594: O srry wrng ch@ windw.
Benvolio: I see. Well, good luck with your boo-boo.
Mercutio1594 has been disconnected.
Act V: Paris vs. Romeo
Paris: YOU! Out of all the people I could meet at this holy place the least likely has shown his face! Begone, malefactor! I shall not allow you to vandalize the grave of my late love.
Romeo: Hah! Juliet would never love a fool such as you! If anything I should be the one stopping you from vandalizing her final resting place.
Paris: I see. So that’s the way it has to be. Very well, then! We shall settle this like gentlemen!
Romeo: I concur!
Paris: I roll a sixteen.
Romeo: I got a four.
Paris: Hah! Initiative, cur! Havat thee! I roll a fourteen! A hit!
Romeo: Trees! Plus five to dodge!
Paris: Clever convict. I miss!
Romeo: An opening! I lunge for attack. A natural twenty! Eat charisma-based damage, gentle man!
Paris: AGH! I see you have an affinity for word play, my advocacy, but I, too, am of the dashing swordsman class. I retreat! Thirty feet per round movement rate.
Romeo: Curses! I only have twenty-five. I pursue for fifty feet! Spot check! Nothing? I move on.
Paris: Initiative bonus! I attack from the bushes. A nineteen! What’s the matter, Romeo? Disappointed that I now have a hedge against you?
Romeo: NGH! Not as disappointed as I would be if I lacked a limb trimmer! Attack! A nineteen. Critical hit!
Romeo: Any last words before your hit point total reaches negative ten?
Paris: My only wish… Is that I be buried beside… my beloved Juliet…
Paris has been disconnected.
Romeo: You fought honorably, my rival, as a true dashing swordsman should. I shall do as you ask.
Romeo took Paris’ phone.