z

Young Writers Society


12+

When a Bird Sings chapter 8 & 9

by CateRose17


Cate jumped out her window with a grin as the sun shone brightly on that Saturday morning. Her hair flew behind her as she sprinted towards the creek. Today was special. Michael had told her to meet him near the large rock because he had something to ask her. She had no idea what, but Cate loved the sense of surprise and mystery that her friend gave her at times. It intrigued her. A light snow had fallen on the ground the night before and crunched under her her boots. It was freezing, but her thick sweater and gray jacket kept her delicate frame somewhat warm. She jumped over the small frozen over creek and jogged over to what had since become their own special special place. There was no Michael when she arrived at the "L" shaped rock, so she sat down and closed her eyes, enjoying the sounds of nature and cold that made her feel clean and pure.

****

Michael slipped on his hoodie and gave one last brush through his now short black hair. He nodded at himself in the mirror and slipped out of his window and onto the oak right outside. Michael got a sure footing on one of the lower branches and jumped down. His parents and brother were still sound asleep- which was a good thing. They wouldn't approve him going out to the woods to meet a girl.

But she's not just any girl.



He grinned as the cold air nipped at his nose. She was his best friend. Just knowing that she was there for him made him feel giddy. He picked up his pace into a quick jog and jumped over the fence. Whistling as he went, Michael skipped towards the rock. His eyes spotted his friend swaying to an imaginary beat as she sat with his back to him. He crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, earning a surprised and delighted yelp from Cate. She placed her hands on his forearms.

" Hey!" She said and turned, standing.

"Hey!" Michael replied with the same amount of enthusiam.

"So," Cate said, her breaths creating little clouds," What is the surprise?"

" It's really a question..." Michael said, trailing off with a nervous grin.

Cate waited patiently as Michael shifted his wieght from one foot to the other. " You know that dance is coming up... Would," he gulped," would you like to go?"

Cate raised an eyebrow, "Go?"

"Yeah, with me." He said quickly. Cate lit up.

" Of course I want to go with you!"She cried, jumping up and down. Michael breathed a sigh of relief.

" Really?"

Cate took both his hands," Yes! No one's ever taken me to a dance."

"Well, there's a first for everything. I don't know how to dance though."

Cate's hands slipped from his and she stood there. " I can teach you how, if you'd like. It's really not that hard." She assured him.

"Hey, want to come over and teach me this afternoon? I have a clubhouse we can practice in." Michael suggested and Cate nodded, smiling again.

"Yeah, let's do that. We can catch a movie after."

"That's doable. I'll text you." Michael said, turning to leave.

" Michael." Cate said and he turned his head to her.

"Why didn't you just text me about the dance?"

He stepped closer, the white snow under his feet crunching. This time, he placed his hands on her waist. He finally had the courage to do it. He pulled her closer and looked into her eyes. Dull though they were, life and fire pulsed from them into his.

****

Michael's hands felt warm against her hip bones. Cate could feel her heart leap into her throat as he searched her eyes. Time seemed to slow and snowflakes had started to fall again, the sun behind some heavy snow clouds. It was just them. Cate didn't even have to breathe. She felt no pain as she stood this close to her friend. She felt like she was actually wanted. Cate could feel his fingers pressed into her waist.

"Because I wanted to see you." He breathed and leaned forward and pressed his lips to her cheek slowly. Her fingertips instinctively brought themselves to his neck. His skin soft to her sensitive touch. She breathed in deeply as his scent drifted to her nose. He pulled away. " I'll see you later." Michael told her and walked away reluctantly. Cate stood there in the silence, tiny snowflakes falling into her eyelashes.

"I wanted to see you too." She whispered and turned back towards her house. The sun now able to poke out from behind the heavy clouds. Cate lifted her face towards the morning light and let it warm her frosty nose. The feeling of Michael's lips still impressed on the now warm skin of her cheek.

Chapter 9

Michael kicked an old toy truck into the corner of the sturdy little shed he called a clubhouse. He'd had it for years, ever since his Dad started a job as a plant worker. It was small, walls made of plywood and pine planks with a flimsy tin roof and window facing the west and a dark blue painted door that creaked every time it opened. He turned and looked around. The small one room clubhouse was bare with just a small tv, gaming station, sleeping bag in one corner and an old ragged rug centered on the rough wooden floor. He sighed in satisfaction, it was small and rough, but it was his safe haven. A vibration came from his front pocket. He whipped out his phone and looked at the screen.

                                        I'm at the rock. Be there in a minute.

Michael ran inside and grabbed a diet coke and a powerade along with some chocolate chip cookies. " Where are you going?" Asked his mom as she sat at the table laden with white and yellow envelopes. He turned to her.

" Cate is coming over to help me with some stuff." He said and went to the back door. His mom looked up from her paperwork.

" Alright, just no kissing or anything." She said, peering at him from over her reading glasses.

"Mom, for the last time! I don't like her...not like that." He objected with a playful groan. She chuckled and gestured to the door.

" Get out of here and behave. Also, have fun." She replied and went back to the bills. Michael stepped out of the door and into the backyard, blowing his mom a kiss. The sun was dull and dimming behind the roofs in the neighborhood, but it still felt warm on the his heavily coated back. The frozen grass looked like it had been cloaked in powdered sugar as it broke and crushed underneath his boots. He rounded the corner.

"Hey." He called, seeing Cate crawling from under the frozen hedge. She looked up from her knees.

" Hello."

" That makes me think of a song..." Michael said thoughtfully, taking a breath. She pointed her finger at him and stood.

"No Adele." She demanded and Michael's shoulders slumped in mock disappointment.

" How am I supposed to show you my AMAZING voice if I don't sing?" He asked, dramatically placing the back of his hand to his forehead. Cate rolled her eyes.

" We both know that singing isn't your forte." She said jokingly. Michael let out a laugh.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Let's go inside before you freeze. You look close enough as it is." He said, noticing that her limbs started to shake. He opened the door and she strode in gratefully. He closed the door.

" Alright. I'm going to start off with the most basic steps." She said and took out her phone. "What song would you like to do?"

Michael crossed his arms in thought as Cate's finger hovered over her phone screen. "Umm, how about..." He sighed," I don't know. You pick." She nodded and scrolled through her music.

" Let's see... no, not that...mmm, nah... Oh! How about this one?"

" Which one?" He asked and walked over to her, looking at her screen.

" 'Life of the Party' by Shawn Mendes. The acoustic is a great tempo and beat for beginning dancers." She said and took off her shoes to reveal teal and peach colored wool socks.

" Yeah, let's do it." He said. Cate pressed 'play' and walked towards him.

"Okay, so place your hands on the normal spots." She said, placing her own hand on his shoulder and taking his left hand in hers. Michael slowly placed his hand on her waist and drew her close.

"Is this good?" He asked quietly.

****

The feel of his hand on her waist was new to her. Like lightnening beating her from the inside. It was a fantastic feeling. " Yeah." She replied, looking down. "Okay. The male always goes frontwards. Like this." She pulled him forward, making him take a step," Good! Now to the side..."



Love it when you just don't care

I love it when you dance like no body's there...

Cate smiled. She absolutely loved this song. The melodies drove her places that no one else could. Music did that to her, even her pain would melt away.

So when it gets hard, don't be afraid

we don't care what those people say

I love it when you don't take no.

"One, two, three, four.., Yeah!" Cate assured her friend. Michael smiled and put some more movement into it. He had become more graceful.

" You learn fast." Cate told him, putting her fingers between his. He gave her a wink.

" I have a great teacher."

Cate lowered her head. blushing. She heard the harmonies build up behind her.

We don't have to be ordinary

Make your best mistakes

'Cause we don't have time to be sorry

So baby, be the life of the party

****

The steps were easy. Cate was right. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. He grinned, looking her in the face. He moved his hand to her back slowly and pushed her closer.

I'm telling you to take your shot, it might be scary

Hearts are gonna break

'Cause we don't have the time to be sorry

So baby be the life of the party.

" I like this song." He said, swaying a little faster as the tempo picked up.

" It's one of my favorites." Cate told him, moving her hand closer to his necks. Her fingertips gracing his upper neck and into his hair.

Together we can just let go

Pretend like there’s no one else here that we know

Slow dance fall in love as the club track plays

We don’t care what them people say

The wind blew wildly beyond the walls, but Michael barely even noticed, he was entranced by her. Cate was just beautiful. Her skin was soft, her hands smooth and delicate in his own. He wanted to hold her again.



We don’t have to be ordinary

Cate was most definitely not ordinary. They had been over this. She was the most...angelic thing he had ever seen. He offered her a small smile and she returned it. There was just something about her...

Make your best mistakes

Michael slowed to a stop. His face full of awe as she drew closer and laid her head on his shoulder. They weren't even moving now. They were just swaying to the music, ignoring the rest of the world. It was just them, and to Michael, that was beautiful.

I'm telling you to take your shot, it might be scary

Michael closed his eyes and leaned forward. He stopped when he felt skin touch his lips, pressing in. He closed his arms in around her and held her against his chest. Thunder erupted inside his chest. People said that they felt fireworks, but no, this was more like atomic bombs blowing his mind. That was when he realized something dire, yet so amazing he couldn't contain it. He was in love with her.

****

Cate stood in shock as Michael's lips caressed her own in a desirable yet innocent way. True, it was beautiful, yes it was something she wanted. But then again, she didn't. She loved him...but not like that. God, no. She pulled away and stood there, terrified, shivering- but not from cold. Michael looked at her in a dreamy state. It scared her. The chorus repeated behind her.



We don’t have to be ordinary

Make your best mistakes

" Cate?" He asked, stepping to her after she abruptly backed away.

" I have to go." She said hoarsely. Her heart felt like it would be thrown up.



We don't have the time to be sorry

"Why?" He asked, his face full of confusion.

" Because..." She whispered and put her coat on. She grabbed her phone, music still on. " Good bye Michael."

"But-"

"I'm sorry." She said, a slightly frightened and angered undertone in her breath. 



I'm telling you to take your shot, it might be scary

****

Michael's heart plummeted from the skies to the ground. Bewildered he watched her leave, slamming the door. Her shadow could be barely seen as she slipped through the hedges. Angry, hurt and confused tears spilled from Michael's brown eyes. What had he done? He was sure about her. He loved her. He wanted her. He slumped against the wall, dazed as if he had been punched in the head or something. Maybe she didn't love him the same way?



I'm telling you to take your shot, it might be scary

Hearts are gonna break


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Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:50 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy RevMo! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this novel, so I'll be looking at these chapters as parts of a greater whole.

I picked this out of the green room because I'm a sucker for YA contemporary romance, and that's what you've got here. Even though I don't have any context for what's going on in this plot and who these characters are or anything, I still felt drawn in to the story. I liked the way you were able to show (in some capacity) each character's feelings as this cute but sad little love story developed. I also appreciated that each chapter moved the plot forward. Some writers fall into the trap of writing scenes that don't have much of a point in the long run because they don't advance the plot. I think both of these chapters (at least at this point, not knowing what the rest of the plot looks like) help move the plot forward because they both add to the development of this relationship.

A few suggestions.

I think third person is working nicely for you and I think it's fine that you're head-hopping between the two characters within each chapter. However, I wouldn't separate the heads out with the *** scene breaks. To me, those scene breaks cut up a chapter that's already on the short side (which is fine!) and makes it seem really short. The scenes get broken up and that breaks the flow and the overall reading experience. If you were writing in first, having some sort of indication and break between the perspectives would be critical because the narrator would also be shifting. Since we get a wider picture anyway by being in third, you don't need to do that. Instead of being third person limited, you could do third person omniscient.

Now, if you really want to stay third person limited and have some sort of break when you hop heads, that's fine too! What I would do in that case is limit one head per chapter, or at least one head per scene. Scene breaks can be confusing to readers and it can pull readers out of the story a bit, like I mentioned before with breaking the flow and the overall reading experience. Think of which head will be more exciting for the reader to experience or will be more important to show for the scene development and stick to that head for the duration of the scene.

My other suggestion is that I think this can be expanded. I mentioned a bit earlier that the chapters are a little short. It's perfectly fine to have short chapters if that's your style. I think the content that you have right now is good, but I think it could be great with more detail. Some examples of where/how you could expand:

Cate jumped out her window with a grin as the sun shone brightly on that Saturday morning. Her hair flew behind her as she sprinted towards the creek.

Why did she jump out her window? What is she wearing? How does she feel as she's getting ready to leave? Is she trying not to get caught as she sneaks out? What would happen if she got caught?

Michael had told her to meet him near the large rock

The large rock where? Is this a special place to them? (Something that may have been answered in a previous chapter) :)

A light snow had fallen on the ground the night before and crunched under her her boots.

Once she jumps out the window, paint me a picture. What story did she just jump from? Was it a hard landing? Did she make any noise? Show me what is around her and what she is seeing and feeling at this point? After she gets out of her house (I'm assuming it was her house) where does she go and what exactly does she do next?

She jumped over the small frozen over creek and jogged over to what had since become their own special special place.

Where are we? Paint me a picture of what her journey was like from her house to where she is now. What does it look like? Sound like? Smell like? Feel like? What is she thinking? What is she feeling? Does she have any guesses or any ideas about what Michael might want to tell her? You could build up the suspense here with her wondering and anticipating what's going to happen.

There was no Michael when she arrived at the "L" shaped rock, so she sat down and closed her eyes, enjoying the sounds of nature and cold that made her feel clean and pure.

How does she feel when she arrives and Michael isn't there? Does that add to the suspense or is this a normal occurrence? How does the rock feel when she sits down? Is it cold? Covered in snow? What is she planning on doing while she waits? What are the sounds she is enjoying?

See how much just that first paragraph could be expanded? As the reader, I want to be swept up in the experience. I want to see, feel, and experience everything right alongside the character. This is much, much easier said than done! But what it comes down to is showing as much as you possibly can. Take use through the experience and try not to cut corners.

Overall though, I'm intrigued by these characters and by the plot I've been exposed to just in these few chapters (because like I said, stories like these are my weakness :P). I think you could have an interesting and cute love story here and I hope you continue to work on this project! If you have any questions, if anything I said was confusing, or if you would like me to read more of this novel, just let me know! :D




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Wed Aug 17, 2016 11:17 am
burninhell says...



WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FEELS!!!
Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm even going to make this a review, my thoughts are all scrambled and I wouldn't be able to write anything helpful.
Chapter 8 was like omg omg omg the ship is gonna sail, this is going to happen. Then along comes chapter 9 and I'm all like whoa whoa whoa it's happening!!!! It's happening!!! And then BAM it happened and I was like whooooooo!!! And THEN you go and do THIS! My feels are all over the place right now. What have you done to me. Why isn't Cate feeling it, omg they're perfect for each other and... Nawwww. I don't think I've ever gone from such a severe fandom to yelling at a character so fast... Flipping heck.
But anyways, as much as it was an emotional roller coaster, it was seriously very good! I loved how Chapter 9 was done to song lyrics that fitted perfectly with what was going on! And your descriptions were amazing, it was super easy to picture what was going on. Long story short, it was amazing! MORE PLEASE!!! :)




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Thu Aug 11, 2016 6:00 pm
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Junel wrote a review...



Hey, I'm really enjoying your story! I did go back and read the other chapter so that I could review this and understand everything.

Let's start with the boring stuff...Grammatical Etc. errors:

She jumped over the small frozen over creek

This is a very minor thing and very nitpicky, but because you say that she jumps over the frozen over creek it can mess with a person's mind. This makes complete sense, but I did have to read it twice to understand because of how you repeat the word over twice in a sentence and so close together. It should still make sense if you take out the second over.
and snowflakes had started to fall again,

You should take out had because it isn't needed.
" It's really a question..." Michael said, trailing off with a nervous grin.

Cate waited patiently as Michael shifted his wieght from one foot to the other. " You know that dance is coming up... Would," he gulped," would you like to go?"

This should be a single paragraph because the same person is talking, the subject is the same and I don't think a huge amount of time passes. Also weight is spelt wrong.
" Michael." Cate said and he turned his head to her.

"Why didn't you just text me about the dance?"


Same thing here, even more so than above this should just be combined.

Also, there are some points at the beginning or ending of dialogue where you have an extra space or are missing one a simple re-read should allow you to discover these.

Descriptions: You have good descriptions both of sounds and sights. Continue to keep this up and try to make sure that it is consistent throughout the story.

Characters: You have developed your characters well so that the reader really feels like they know them, but also so that it feels like parts of them are still a mystery.

Plot: So I love the plot and the ideas that you have. You make it interesting and fun to read. The only complaint that I have that isn't specific to this chapter, but all is your timeline can be a little confusing you seem to jump back and forth to different times during the year. It just takes a little longer to understand the story when you do this.

Overall this is a lovely chapter to a lovely book and I can't wait for more!

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel




CateRose17 says...


I enjoy these kind of reviews! You're amazing :). I am glad you think this is a lovely chapter.




History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
— Napoleon Bonaparte