When a Bird Sings Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Cate blindly stumbled back home, her eyes blurred and stinging. She clenched a hand to her chest as she crossed the creek, stumbling on the icy bank. She let out a yelp, catching herself on the tiny rocks that were encrusted in the earth. It was dark now, the moon was out in full swing and Cate could feel cries come from her chest and bubble up. Why had he done that? They were just friends. She didn't love him like that.

But you do.

"No! Not like that! I can't." She hiccuped, running back home. The trees like menacing and deadly monsters that she dreamed of when she was little. They loomed over her as if they meant to suffocate and strangle her. Cate let out a gasp.

You wanted that, you know you did.

" I don't want to hurt him!" She yelled at the voices in her head. They cackled and screamed at her as she tore at her ears.

You just did. Did you see his face?

"Oh God, please!" She pleaded up at the sky, tears falling into her mouth. Staggering away towards her house, she spit the salty liquid out. She coughed. His face did look pained, hurt and beat. Oh no... what had she done?

You're a shame, Cate. We can't believe you. You hurt the only person who has ever loved you.
" I can't love him back! He'll never see me the same if he sees!" She sobbed, covering her face with the heels of her hands. She was outside of her window now.

Well, you blew it. He'll never want you again...
Cate climbed into her window and fell against the wall, not able to breathe. Her lungs hurt and the tears felt like daggers going down her face. The voices were right. She had just hurt her only friend. What was she thinking?
Cate dragged herself to her dresser and opened the drawer and brought out the metal blade. Feeling it in her hand gave her a calm that only it could give. Still with tears pouring, anger and grief built up to overflowing, she drew the blade over her arm. She let out a yelp as the seering pain burst through her spine.

That's it. You're only worth something if you drag that blade. The voices mumbled and tore into her. She was in a daze, the pain had faded and all she felt was relief as the sensation of warm blood ran down her forearm in a slow unsteady stream. She slumped back on her feet, her eyes closing. She let her arm and hand go limp and let the blood run onto her floor. There was something about this type of pain that made her feel free. At the time, the small three inch blade was her only friend, also her only punisher.

You broke his heart, Cate.

A gasping sob of realization was let loose from her lips as her heart dropped. She took the blade in fury and drew it over her shoulder, the sensation of the now hot metal slipping into her skin was freeing yet killing. She knew that this was killing her. " Maybe I want to die." She mumbled. Her arm now covered in rust colored liquid that had started to dry in the beds of her fingernails and the creases of her skin. Cate stumbled to her bed and collapsed onto the covers, staring at the cieling. "God... what have I done?"

....
Michael lay there, staring at the cieling unable to move. He had waited for months to kiss her. He had built up the courage, but he was thrown away, rejected... by the only person that seemed to care. Michael tossed and turned, unsure and frightened. Had he done something to make her act like that- besides the kiss? So far, Cate had acted as if she had wanted that. But body language lies he guessed. This was so unfair to him. He didn't understand. His eyes were slightly swollen and bloodshot from the tears he had shed. Michael wished that he knew what was going through Cate's mind at that moment. He looked up at the cieling. "God, what have I done?" He whispered in agony, covering his face with his hands. " I have probably hurt the only friend that has ever car-" He was cut off by a sob that escaped his lips. He had finally gotten a friend that seemed to care, someone who didn't reject him. But now... now this was probably the end. The end of a fairytale friendship that he had dreamed of for a while. He turned into his pillow to muffle and soak up the tears that fell from his eyes. She could have at least explained... At least pretended.

She'll never love you that way.

He clenched his fists. The voices were right. She could never love him back because of the secrets that he kept from her. He hated himself for that.

She would never love a monster. She couldn't.

He let out a groan. He was one. A monster hurt people, and that's what he did-had just done. He hurt the girl he wanted to build up. Michael felt sleep take him as he lay there in agony and pain that was greater than anything physical.

God... I just hurt my best friend...
....
"Now, since all the essays are given in from this week, we shall continue on with our book list, let us see..." Mrs. Julie said, standing and grabbing her dry erase marker. She went to the board and spelled out the name " Shakespeare". Cate sat a little taller in her seat. She wasn't well aquainted with Shakespeare's plays, but she knew of "Romeo and Juliet" and loved it.
"Take out your books, if you may." Said the Scottish teacher. Cate smiled and opened her backpack to take out the paperback "Twelth Night". She placed the small book on her desk and looked up at her teacher. The woman was fair with brown hair draping down to her shoulders with lines of beautiful silver going down like paintbrush strokes. The lines by her eyes told Cate that she smiled alot and laughed. Which was quite true, she was a very happy Christian woman.
"Now, Mr. Ben." Mrs. Julie said, looking at the blonde headed boy who sat quietly most times at the head of the class," Why don't you read the first paragragh? Make it interesting." She smiled and winked. He nodded.

"Yes ma'am."

They all opened their books and Cate sighed, she loved the smell of freshly opened books. As Ben read, the words started to melodic and Cate's eyes drifted to the wall. Her mind wandering to different places. She knew she should be reading along, but Cate couldn't help but wonder where Michael was. He hadn't come to school that morning, or even answered her texts. Something was up. Was he sick? She thought. No, she would have known. Was he out of town? She shook her head lightly and cupped her chin in her hand. No, he would have told her. They were too close to keep secrets from each other.

Are you sure about that?

Cate's shoulders slumped, no she wasn't. He still didn't know about the self harm. He still didn't- the girl looked up just as Ben finished. Her thoughts interrupted.

" I shall see you all on Thursday!" Mrs. Julie finished as Cate grabbed for back pack. Something wasn't right. She could feel it.

She sat alone in her usual corner, her head lowered. She knew one reason why he had disappeared... it was because of her. Because- she bit her lip and looked into the sky. Cate leaned against the wall and brought back memories of when they had met in that exact spot. She opened her eyes and looked at where Michael had sat. Tears pricked her eyes as her hand covered her mouth. She had realized that without him, she felt lonely, afraid. Cate wanted him back, desparately. I miss him.

She took out her phone.  Hey, I am coming over.

Not a moment later a text came to her.

No. Stay away.

****
Michael broke. He tore into his clubhouse like an enraged animal, he couldn't see anything, everything was mixed and blurred. He couldn't hear, the heavy beating of his heart masked any other sound.  His life had shattered around him that week. First, it was Cate, now it was his parents. His life had been thrown and tossed apart. Michael roared and pounded his fists against the wall, shaking it. He wanted out, he wanted to escape and be able to breathe. He couldn't breathe and he sank to his knees, Cate's face etched in his mind. He let out a sob and gave in to the pain, crying. He felt broken, hurt, hated. He bit his lip till he tasted blood, there were so many things that beat him, so many words told to him. Michael liked to look tough, but he knew he wasn't. He never was. The boy smirked through his tears. He hated it, but it was what made him Michael Weston. His anger and ability to hide it all under a numb cover was what shaped him into this... A machine.
He felt weak now though. Like he was nothing.

You should be ashamed.

He whimpered. He was. The way he screamed at his parents in an attempt to stop everything. He wanted peace, but all he caused was chaos. He groaned, why was life so utterly harsh? He was a shameful boy who was broken half the time and numb the other half. He didn't have to hear the voices say it. He knew. He knew that he was a monster.
****
Cate had grabbed her keys and left Campus. She didn't care, she had to make sure Michael was okay. She didn't care about anything else. She pushed the gas and she was out there and to his house in less than twenty minutes. Her hands shook rapidly as she jumped out of her truck and ran to his back yard. There was something wrong... there was something wrong. Her heart pounded as she neared his clubhouse. Her heart dropped as she noticed that door was crooked and hanging off one of the hinges. The icy wind blew on her as she rushed towards it and inside. She slid to a stop as she saw Michael kneeling in a heap, heaving and groaning. "Michael?" She whispered. He turned at the sound of her voice and Cate saw something she wished she had never seen in his eyes. She walked to him.

" I told you not to come." He growled, turning back to face the wall.

" As if I would listen to you. You know I never do." She said quietly. " What's wrong, Michael?" He didn't answer. " Michael. What is wrong?" She could see his muscles become tense from underneath his shirt and his chest heave. He turned to her.

" You want to know what's wrong? Do you really?"

"Michael, I'm your friend. Of-"

" This week has been hell. First off, I was rejected by the only person that even seemed to care about me and how I feel. Mom and Dad don't seem to stop. Stress is getting to me and my life is crashing around me." He pointed to the broken window and the smashed table. " I can't control myself, Cate. I did this. All of it." Cate felt sick. This couldn't be the same boy she had known. " I am ashamed. I feel broken when I'm supposed to be there for Adam, the team... for you. But no. I get broken down by one little kiss- that I thought you wanted!"

"Michael!" Cate gasped." Is that why? Look, I'm sorry for that-"

" That hurt me, Cate, you have no idea how much." He said. Cate clenched her fists, the sting of the cuts now very much gathering her attention.
****
Michael stayed on his knees, either too weak to get up or just glued to the floor in fear that he may do something stupid. In a way he was relieved that she had come, but then again he wished she wouldn't have even noticed he wasn't at school.

" Hurt you? That was not my intention to hurt you, I swear." She admitted," Michael, listen. I know you're hurting beause of everything else. It hurts dramatically. It makes you go numb."

He nodded. She was right, he felt like if he reached out to touch her, he wouldn't be able to feel her at all. He turned to face her. His eyes bringing themselves to hers. Her forest colored eyes filled with confusion and agony. She has almost as much pain in her eyes as mine, he thought. He turned on his knees.

"Michael, I want to help you." She said. He rolled his eyes to rid them of tears.

" You can't. I'm too far gone. You see what I can do, the window is smashed, the door is broken and I am a crappy mess. Look at me." He said, pointing at his face that was red and his eyes still wide and bloodshot. " I'm a monser, Cate. You can't help me." She walked closer and he backed away. " Don't even come near me." he growled. She reached out her hand to his shoulder.

"Michael, I can. I know everything feels like there's no end to it. Everything is falling and crashing around you and there's nothing you can do but sit there and watch your life shatter like a thrown mirror. I know how it is."

" You don't know anything about things like this." He snapped, seeing red in his eyes again. His hands grew hot as he clenched and unclenched them repeatedly. " This life is something you have no idea about. Only I understand." He said, lowering his head.

" Michael I do. I do under-"

That was it, he couldn't take her lies. She was lying, she was perfect. Nothing was wrong with her. He turned to her, angry sharp tears running down his chin.
****
" YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!" He shouted, falling into a sitting position on the woodfloor," you're perfect, Cate! Everything is going amazing for you!" He was red, tears streaming down his face and voice raspy from yelling up in her face.

Cate's whole body shook with grief and rage. No. She wouldn't stand for this. " I am NOT perfect. I nothing close to it!" She cried back. He gave a disbelieving laugh.

"Cate, just cut the crap already." He hiccuped, wiping his nose." I don't need to hear another one of your 'I know how you feel' lies."

Cate let out a sob before bringing a hand to her mouth. She was filled with sadness and agony.

No! Don't show him! He'll hate you even more.

For Cate, that was worth the risk. No other time would the girl do this, but she felt like she needed to. She peeled off her sweatshirt to reveal her torso and arms.

CATE NO!

"Is this not enough proof to show you I understand?!?!" She hollered back, throwing the covering to the corner of the room. She ripped off her precious bracelets and stood before her heaving friend vulnerable, unprotected and filled with a sense of shame.
****
Michael's eyes grew in amazement. Not at the fact that a beautiful young woman had partially undressed in front of him, but the fact of what he saw etched in her skin.

Scars...

From her collar bone to under the line of her jeans. Her shoulders covered in dark lines and zigzags that trailed down to her sternum. His eyes grazed her and settled on four prominent lines that left jaggd marks on her pearly waist. They were deep and blistered with smaller and stinging cuts. Michael cringed when he saw the diagonal lines cut deeply in her forearms, they were all fresher than the rest. The cuts and scars swirled and fell below the belt of her black jeans. And he felt that they just didn't end there either. He allowed his eyes to lift themselves back up her arms, to her face. A face full of regret, pain and remorse. "Don't ever tell me that I don't understand," Cate said through gritted teeth," it's me who understands more than anyone." She stood there, rubbing her forearm with evident pain in her eyes. She tried to contain her tears as they raced and dripped down her chin. In one flash of a second, Michael was forgot his own pain and grabbed her in his arms. He did nothing else and held her up as he felt her sag against him. They just stood there in the cold silence, letting their pain and understanding speak volumes.
....
"We can't hold secrets from each other any longer." Cate whispered, slipping her shirt over her torso. Michael nodded.

"It'll only hurt us both."

"Agreed." Cate replied and took his hand in hers. " You can trust me with anything, Michael. I'm your fr-"

"Best friend."Michael interjected. She nodded.

"Best friend. And Best Friends don't hide secrets." Cate said turning to him, she opened her arms," I'm an open book now. What do you want to know?" She asked. The wind outside the walls turning into a small breeze blowing away the cold.

"Your scars. How long have you...?'

"Four years." Cate confessed. Unable to hide the shame in her voice. Her own answer startling her. Had she really done that much damage in four years?

"Why did you do it?" He asked.

" I felt weak and trapped. I had nothing else to turn to, no relief. It was my only friend...I was alone." She said quietly, looking up at him and seeing that a soft glimmer of sorrow came over his face. " Anything else?"

"Why are you so skinny?"

The question bolted through her, causing pain in her head. She had hoped he didn't notice, but as the number on the scale grew lower and lower, everyone started to stare."What?" She squeaked. He walked towards her.

" Cate, you're a toothpick. My fingers can fit around your forearm, your eyes are sunken in and cheeks gaunt. Everything hangs from you. Cate, what is going on?" Cate sighed.

" I have Anorexia  nervosa." She admitted.

"Ana- what now?" His lips turned into a confused frown and Cate sat him down to explain.
****
"Now, since I've told you my secrets. It's your turn." Cate ended her explanation as Michael sat across from her on the floor. He sighed and began.

" Anger is my problem." He stopped and looked up. He studied her face and watched for some hint of disgust, but all he saw was understanding.

"Michael, eveyone has anger issues." She assured him but he shook his head.

" N-no, Cate. You don't understand. I'm not normal when I'm mad, I break things." He pointed to mess he had made before she had arrived," I did all of this.I hurt my brother one day. Bruised him because one of his friends took something of mine- and I thought he had taken it!" He looked away before his voice cracked. " I hurt my own brother... I hurt you!"

" How did you hurt me?" Cate asked him

" I kissed you!" He cried, gesturing to her lips with a loose hand. " I should have known better, Cate. I-I didn't know." Michael's voice broke and the tears came down heavily," I'm a monster, Cate..." He looked through his teary eyes and into her misty ones," I'm sorry..."

Michael wished he was alone. He didn't want her to see him like this, he was supposed to be the strong one in the friendship and hold her up. Not the other way around. That's not how it worked.

He just wanted her to leave.

But no, she stayed, wrapping her arms around his quivering shoulders. She felt warm against him and strong. Her hands held him tightly as he heaved and shivered. " Cate," He whispered once he could let out an audible sound.

"Hm?" She asked gently, stroking his hair slowly.

"I'm so sorry..."

Michael felt her hands move and lift him so their eyes would look straight into each other. " Michael, there is no reason for you to be sorry. It's done. Let the past be in the past."

" You forgive me?" His eyes wide with child-like wonder. She nodded.

"There was nothing to be forgiven, Bubba." She whispered and drew him back into a comforting embrace. Michael let his head rest against her chest and breathed in the scent of lavender and honey that seemed to always be her aroma. It was all okay. She made it all okay. He squeezed her gingerly, hands pressed into her upper back.

"Thank you..."

They held each other for what seemed hours in that quiet that surrounded them, giving them solace. Michael felt his heart slow to a calmer speed as he was cradled by Cate. He wanted to freeze this moment and never let go, but as time slowed to a stop, Cate let go and eased herself onto her feet. " I need to go." She murmured. He nodded.

"Right, of course."

"You'll be okay?" She asked, covering herself with her thick jacket, her eyes crusty with dried tears. Michael stood and wiped her eyes gently. Cate stood quietly and looked in his eyes as his thumb caressed her cheek to rid it of the dried tears.

"There." he mumbled with a small smile.

"Thank you." She replied, turning to the door. He stood there and watched her, his heart shredding a little with every step she took, knowing that she'd never be his. Never...

"Cate."

She turned to him, a hand on the door frame," Yeah?"

"We're friends...right?"

She smiled," Yes. Friends...Always." And like that, she was gone.