[deleted]

*LOCKED*

Plagiarism.

Hi,
Interesting piece. I defiantly want to read more of this. There are a few places I had concerns... will actually nitpicks...

Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

When I asked them why they’re white, they tell me they’re not white. They tell me they’re beige. Call it what you will, they’re white. But beige is soothing, they tell me. I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

But my name is Helen, like I said. I am Helen. Every day my friends have to ask me what my name is. Every morning it is something new. And if they aren’t around for breakfast, they have to ask me at lunch.

I wear white a lot. Scratch that, I wear beige a lot. But it’s still white. White shirts. They tear easily though. They are made so they tear, the same thing with the sheets. They make them that way, in case we try to hang ourselves. We try to hang ourselves a lot. Well, they try to hang themselves a lot, Helen doesn’t hang herself. And since the sheets and shirts tear, sometimes they have to improvise. But Helen’s never tried to hang herself.

And you know what the weird thing is? I’m not crazy. Nope, not a bit. I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin. I put myself in here. I’m a volunteer. It’s my vacation.

They insist I’m not crazy. I insist I am. But I know I’m not crazy, I just insist I am. But I like it here. I like the beige. I like the tears. I like the four-corner rooms. But most of all, I like being Sara. I like being Frieda. I like being Jessica and Hannah and Ruth.

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

Hi, Sarah. I decided I wanted to read some of your work, since I feel so guilty about not doing it for a while And the title caught my eye.

I am Helen. I am Helen. My name is Helen. The repetition of the idea fits the story well, but the repetition of "I am Helen" isn't that good. Maybe change the other one to "Call me Helen" (like in Moby Dick! ) or something similar, or then just ditch it. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. I'd change this to "Yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, but for now my name is Helen." Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. The word "condition" doesn't really work for me, either. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

And I’d color them anything other than beige.

we wonder away in the day

Never have. Never do.

That was... soothing in an insane way.

I am Helen. I am Helen. My name is Helen. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.

I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin

Hello again! I just thought I'd check this out while I'm camping in Other Fiction.

A good piece of flash fiction this is.

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

Kirsten - Hmm, I wonder who urged forced me to put this up, eh?

Hello
I did find it disturbing to a certain extent.
I've read a few of these kind of stories.
I liked the thoughts Helen had,
It did creep me out. Something's not right with her. (Duh.)
But I wish you'd put more descriptions about the world she's living in,
I really wanna know what kind of twisted place is that.
But its enigmatic quality caught my attention.
I loved it!

Wow. Thanks so much for all the replies and critiques, people. I never thought more than one person would actually review this, lol.

Nate - Yay, a Nate review! You're right about shortening the sentences and everything. I barely ever write simplistically, people who've previously read my work will know I describe every detail painstakingly. A bit of an annoying habit. So simplifying and cutting this down was extremely difficult for me. Now I'll work on simplifying the sentence structure. Thanks Nate.

Kirsten - Hmm, I wonder who [s]urged[/s] forced me to put this up, eh? Anyway, thanks for the line by line critique, Kirsten dahling. I love your reviews so much, I read them all the time because they make me feel that happy. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I might post some more in the near future, if I feel confident enough. I probably won't work on it that much though, as I'm working on Tipping The Velvet.

Stella - Thanks so much for reading, dahling. I'm glad you enjoyed it. But wow. You've read Just In Case by Meg Rossof? *falls over* Snap! I thought I was the only person in the world who had read that book. It's like one of my favourite novels, apart from the huge pile of classics I adopt. ^_^ I'm glad you mentioned it, anyway, and I'm flattered to be compared to it. Your points were all very apt, as usual, and will help a lot with the editing process. Thanks Stell.

josephdean - It was lovely of you to read it, dear. I'm so glad you liked reading it. Yes, repetition can irk some people, but I think if used appropriately, it will work. Thanks for the review.

Thankyou everyone!

-Sarah

Whoa. I loved this! I usually despise repetition, but the way you used it was superb. Most of the nitpicks have all ready been pointed out, so there's nothing much for me to say. The "beige" thing throughout was great, as well as the Mozart joke. But since this must be constructive, I guess I'll just point this out.

I sometimes wonder why there aren’t three walled rooms.

Hey there dear, Stella here!

You know, this reminds me of Just In Case by Meg Rossoff, just one sentence of it. You should read that book... very dark, but funny and... oh, just brilliant.

I. NITPICKS

Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition.

They tell me they’re beige.

I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

This is very experimental. I would never have posted it were it not for someone. *coughs* But I lubb her too much to decline.

I am Helen. I am Helen.

My name is Helen. Although yesterday it was Hannah, and tomorrow it will be Ruth, for now my name is Helen. Each day I choose a new name, it’s part of my condition. But it’s not really a condition, I consider it vacation.


Where I live the walls are white. Just white.

I don’t know why. When I asked them why they’re white, they tell me they’re not white. They tell me they’re beige. Call it what you will, they’re white. But beige is soothing, they tell me. I tell them so is Mozart, but I don’t want to listen to it 24/7.

The rooms are always four walls. Always four walls. Every room is four walls, even if they’re not beige. I sometimes wonder why there aren’t three walled rooms. I think triangle rooms would be unique, but a bit dull as time goes on. And I’d color them anything other than beige.

But my name is Helen, like I said. I am Helen. Every day my friends have to ask me what my name is. Every morning is something new.

And if they aren’t around for breakfast, they have to ask me at lunch. This happens a lot here, we wonder away in the day, and we get in trouble for it. I tell them we wouldn’t wonder if we weren’t spaced out all day.


It’s the drugs, by the way, that space us out. Well, actually I’ve never spaced out, I’ve never taken the drugs. Never have. Never do. Because I’m on vacation, remember?


I wear white a lot. Scratch that, I wear beige a lot. But it’s still white. White shirts. They tear easily though. They are made so they tear, the same thing with the sheets. They make them that way, in case we try to hang ourselves. We try to hang ourselves a lot. Well, they try to hang themselves a lot, Helen doesn’t hang herself. And since the sheets and shirts tear, sometimes they have to improvise. But Helen’s never tried to hang herself.


And you know what the weird thing is? I’m not crazy. Nope, not a bit. I’m right as rain up in the old noodle-noggin.

I put myself in here. I’m a volunteer. It’s my vacation.


They insist I’m not crazy. I insist I am. But I know I’m not crazy, I just insist I am. But I like it here. I like the beige. I like the tears. I like the four-corner rooms. But most of all, I like being Sara. I like being Frieda. I like being Jessica and Hannah and Ruth.


And I like the name Helen. I like Helen. Because Helen doesn’t try to hang herself. And they call me Helen. They all call me Helen. I am Helen...

hahahaha

I greatly enjoyed this Castles. It reminds me a lot of a story I wrote many years ago on the same subject.

I don't have any real criticisms as it exists currently; I think you did a pretty good job. However, if you want to keep improving it, you should consider developing the voice more. Some authors will do this simply by making all the sentences short, and I think you should that here. Get rid of the conjunctions and commas, and just make every sentence as short as you can. That way, the reader will get more of a feel for the whirlwind that exists in the speaker's head.

Overall, humorous and I think the experiment came out well. A good piece of flash fiction this is.