Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
*LOCKED*
Plagiarism.
Hiya, Sarah, again.
This felt a little too in-your-face after that sweet little nonsense Helen's been telling us. Somehow I doubt that Helen (or "I") would be able to think the world outside as a one of "love" and "happiness", since she kind of doesn't have a clue of anything. Then again, she has the clue of everything.
It took me a while to get this sentence.
I doubt that Helen/"I" would be able to remember a word so difficult as "schizophrenia" in her situation. It just stood out a little.
I liked the first chapter even more, but you really have something unique here that you're not allowed to throw away. That's my order.
I'm glad I've gotten to know you! See you around!
Demeter
xxx
I was going to go back to reading Tipping the Velvet but I couldn't resist. This was brilliant one of the best things I've read on YWS. As someone before me said, cherish this and do not give this up. You really have something here and it is very poignant and colorful and emotional.
This piece made me smile and you can't help not loving Helen because of course she is Helen and she embraces and excepts her condition. She knows it's both a gift and a curse and yet despite her differences, she's ready to conquer the world. And she has an optimistic outlook on things that I just like.
Thanks for sharing Helen with us and...
Bravo!
~Angel
Hi again!
Now I'm wondering if:
1) Helen has lost her marbles & the world is twisted and disturbing
or 2) Helen just lost her marbles.
But once again, I liked the realistically disturbing/loony thoughts Helen had,
And I'm really intrigued by the world she has described.
Now that she questions her identity,
It really makes me want to know what happened to her.
Another attention-capturing job well done!
Omg, Castles, when I saw you had a second part up, I stopped everything I was doing to come read it.
You continue to amaze with this second part, and I applaud your writing style. I sent the link to part one to about a dozen of my non-YWS friends, and they all absolutely loved it. All of my nitpicks have been pointed out all ready though. I like how you switch between first and third, it projects her "condition/vacation" very well. Repetition is your spice, and you sprinkle it in just the right spots.
Great job
Sarah.
This, was
incredible
It truly was. Helen's state of mind, her constant questioning of herself and the world. Everything. It's perfect. To think that you wouldn't have posted this.
Seriously, it was so poignant and emotional. It truly shows how powerful the right words in the right places can be.
This, Sarah, is a masterpiece.
I really can't say much more.
Incredible, Sarah, truly incredible.
xD
OMG, okay, it's official, we have identical minds when it comes to books. Tess, Jane Eyre, Markus Zusak, Just In Case... heehee! I would have left another comment on your guestbook, but I thought three was a bit excessive.
You should have told me straight out that there was a second part!
I. NITPICKS
Literally or figuratively? I mean, did they see the grapes on the wallpaper and try to eat them or did they just think there were grapes there.
I'm not sure this line works. It's sort of blunt, and doesn't fit with the rest of the voice, in my humble opinion. It's a cool line, one that I would definitely recycle, but just... not here.
Why the dot-dot-dot?
Okay...
II. IS SHE HELEN OR AM I ME?
You manage well with the confusion of the whole thing, I just get puzzled over whether it's Helen or your -currently unnamed - MC who is Helen's alter-ego that is confused. You switch between third and first a lot, and while it certainly gives an atmosphere, but I'm a little uncertain of the direction in which she is confused... does that make sense? Which is the person that she wants to forget, and which is the one she wants to be?
III. OVERALL
You've got something really powerful going on here. Take care of it.
Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x
This freaks me out. It's refreshingly good, though. Is there more?
Kay, gonna nitpick.
Artist, aye? I think you mean formerly known as.
I have the suspicion that the comma after “sorry” should be something else. Or it should be followed by a “and”.
Lol, this was great.
Your story draws strange parallels with my own. My MC is Elena, and she’s insane too, but less obviously. And it’s from her point of view.
WOW
i read 1 and 2 and i think they're both amazing and i really enjoyed reading them.
It was weird reading my own name so many times though! haha
I can't pick up on any grammatical errors and all that as mine aren't perfect myself and i wouldnt be such a hypocrite to do so!
I think both pieces were very emotional and moving and i particularly liked the repitition you used throughout..
if both of these were just experiments, i cant imagine how good a final piece of yours would be, i wish i could write like you!
gold star
- Helen x