The song of a mockingbird is a cry
With wings that are as similar to clouds
I surely cannot tell a single lie
For my moral is quite well endowed
The dove's palette reminds me of peace
The vulture's motives enrage my heart.
It feeds on the sheep's pure white fleece
As Winter comes, the birds depart
The eagle stands mighty and strong
The owl searches from a far distance
I will not take your words of pity and wrong
My hope is filled by hate's nonexistence
My beliefs were built on what I think
My thoughts of nature will never sink.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
hi caroline! so glad to see you have taken to yws so quickly. i’m going to be writing a review today, so let’s see how this goes.
may i say that you are very much of talent? no cap. i adore this poem! the animals that you bring into this to throw in emotion and a concept of time is awesome. my mind thought of the hunger games as soon i read the first line. that got me very much excited to continue. your work deserves to be featured!
however, i feel as if the order is off. just something about it doesn’t flow right.
that is all i have to say!
~harper
I tried to follow a rhyming poem, so my newness may be the reason. Thank you!
no prob!
Hi! Hope you're great!
It's a really beautiful poem and as far as I saw it's your first one on YWS, congrats! I liked the fact that you show us that part of us are like animals and we aren't better then them. I just think you put that in some beautiful verses. You didn't use the simple rhyme (where you put the words that rhymes one under the other), that is really nice. In the first four lines the rhyme is a little bit strange but @Clairia already pointed out. I'm glad I read it! Also, even if I already told you on your wall, welcome to the YWS!:)
Hi, there! I'm Clairia, here to review!
I loved this. Birds are so fascinating -- and it's rare that I come across a poem with such an original idea. It also seems that you're instituting a rally in nature's favor, which I can always get behind. It's such a cool idea to compare yourself/your features to different types of birds. I applaud your creativity!
In terms of criticisms, I'd just like to quickly point out that your flow was a bit off. Certain lines rhymed with their partners while others did not -- an example being the following:
Here, only line #1 and #3 rhyme. However, in this piece of your work:
#1 and #3 rhyme, but so do #2 and #4. This led me to believe that your original intent was to have every two lines rhyme, but in execution, that's not the case.
However, this only seems to be a problem for that first section (I understand that "endowed" does rhyme with "cloud", but you used "clouds", which ultimately upset the overall flow), so simply modifying either line #2 or #4 would suit you quite well.
Honestly, though, this was such a good read. I didn't have any other critiques other than that one little snippet, and that in and of itself is an easy fix.
Well done! I can't wait to read more from you.
Thanks for sharing,
Clairia