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Young Writers Society



Hedieh Askari's Crusade, Intro

by CarolineL


Hedieh pulled her wine-red khimar over her messy hairline. She twisted the silky fabric and rubbed her runny eyes. The view from her vision was blurry and Hediah shifted around on her heels. Calls from men filled the air surrounding her and she waltzed to her quaint home the rested under the Persian sky.

~Many Years Later~

Hedieh studied her scarlet pupils as she remembered the times of normality. She took the olive headscarf that sat on her sink and carefully wrapped it. She pulled the gray sweater from over her head and folded it neatly, which left her in a light button up. Her flowy skirt twirled as she skipped down her stairs.

Hedieh crossed her arms as a Jeep crossed the metal fencing that protected her housing unit. The man in the car was no other than, Sirix Tyazhgovy and his smug face showed that. His scarred skin got noticeable as she whispered to a female that sat near him. He clasped her hands in his and hopped out. "Long time no see, amirite?" He went to hug Hedieh, but she put her hands in a defensive stance. "Forget about us, Sirix," she yelped out, "We are here to justify the girl."

She shook off her stance and calmed her posture up. The young woman glared at her with a terrified smile, but Hedieh nodded that off. "Are you Jezebel Duke, niece of Sirix Tyazhgovy and a so called Reborn?" questioned Hedieh, distractedly to which the girl responded, "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't."

Hedieh nodded as her opinion wavered. She pinched Jezebel's eyelid open to check for a red pupil and it was visible. Her tan hand clapped on the girl's back and gestured to one of her guards. "Did Godeffroy come, or was his wealth too high to visit to Iran?" asked Hedieh to her former partner, "Oh, he's on his way." 

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Points: 68
Reviews: 1

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Sat May 02, 2020 1:41 pm
Salana wrote a review...



Hello,

Salana here giving a review, thank you for having me.

The first paragraph felt a little unnecessary since nothing much really happened except you established the setting and a bit of who Hedieh is which is she is probably beautiful judging by the men calling her.

If I may, I'd suggest you start maybe a few hours before she met up with Sirix, to give the reader a sense of who she is aside from what was given during the dialogue.

Aside from that, I don't think I find any fault in any other parts. Great job in the story!




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18 Reviews

Points: 1949
Reviews: 18

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Sat May 02, 2020 10:31 am
JellyRose wrote a review...



Hello there, I'm JellyRose and I am here to give a review on, "Hedieh Askari's Crusade, Intro." Alright let's get started, shall we? :)

I am going to try something a little different, I am going to leave the reactions that I had while reading this, and I had my sticky note app open while reading. So this is my commentary of each paragraph, and then at the bottom I will leave my overall opinion.

Paragraph 1:
-I can picture Hedieh just a bit which is really great coming into the story.
-May I ask why were the men calling her? Maybe go into a little bit more detail on this?
-How does she feel about these calls?

Paragraph 2:
-This is a really good descriptor, I can see her doing these things, and her energy as she was going down the stairs.
-Maybe mention the setting a little bit more.
-I'm kind of growing fond of Hedieh at this point somehow. If I could I would've loved to have been her friend aha.
-What is this little scarlet eye feature though? I hope when this story continues the author goes into more detail about that.

Paragraph 3:
-I'm a little confused, what's going on here? Why did this come up all of a sudden?
-I like the flow of this so far, but maybe add a little bit more context so that the reader isn't confused and scratching their head in bewilderment

Paragraph 4:
-I can tell that Hedieh is a very strong and independent woman from that first sentence alone. The way she adjusted her posture and took a stand, even with Sirix looming over her as it appears. What a cool lady.

Paragraph 5:
-This is interesting.
-It's a good cliff hanger and I would love to know more about this story and what's going to happen to everyone. I'm really curious now.


Altogether this is a pretty good introduction. I am curious to know more about the characters and the settings, but as the story progresses I bet things will come out more. I was very engaged with this introduction, which is always good, you always want to keep your reader hooked in, wanting to devour the words on the page (or screen in this case ;) ). And I think you did a wonderful job. I hope to read more about Hedieh and all of the other cast and what is going to happen to them!

Thank you for creating!





On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus