Old & deleted <3
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Carlito! I'm back! As you already know how I work, I'll jump right into it!
In this particular example, the And wasn't even necessary. The sentence would make sense without it 
It wasn’t abnormal in my world for Jack to have special needs. He was born when I was seven and I was raised loving my brother and thinking he was the coolest, most amazing kid on the planet. But not everyone was raised that way. And to see this guy we’d met literally a minute ago showing so much care and compassion towards Jack and making so much of an effort to include him and make him feel seen, it was enough to make me melt into that puddle.
This was really good. My only thing I want to point out is that many sentences start with the word And or But just like it did twice in this paragraph. The occasional time is okay even though it's generally not something to do but it appears quite frequently. I'll only point out this one though
Really that's the only thing I found so awesome job on that! I'm really enjoying it so far because the main reason I'm no big fan of figure skating is the snobby attitudes that usually accompany it in stories. Zac is for sure not like that at all. He's so cute! You definitely know how to portray a guy that girls will like and for that, I'm hooked XD
You've set a very good setting. I have a clear idea of the surroundings while being totally in love with your characters. Even Liz. I like how she doesn't appear as the typical high school girl or the emo kid or the quiet kid. She has her own personality and I really like that. Your characters are all very distinct from one another and I love them all for different reasons!
Anyways, I'd better stop procrastinating my work over here so I hope this helps!
Keep on writing!
Honora
I'm just going to keep going whilst I'm in the flow of this! Otherwise knowing me I'll totally forget and leave it for weeks... also I'm still procrastinating!
This is an odd thing to say I thought... doesn't she mean now? As in they will be using them with their children? Or have I misunderstood what was meant in this sentence?
It makes me laugh every time their names are used in the same sentence just because of how well they rhyme.
I love this interaction! It's so wholesome and gah <3 I love this cast of characters!
Needs a question mark at the end of this one.
I know she got over to them ok, but that's a far cry from being in charge of someone else on the ice. I would kind of expect her to be a little less quick to ask them to leave, or at least for them to reassure her that they won't be far away in case she has any trouble.
Also needs a question mark!
This made me giggle!
Swoon!
Is this a definite? I mean, her mum won't want to go instead the next time?
This is a cute first interaction between her and Zac <3 I think it can often feel too convenient that the love interest comes over and interacts with the MC out of everyone else, but in this case she's one of the only people there who is his age and he probably gets a bit tired of spending all his time with mums so would jump at the chance to talk to a peer. So it makes sense for me.
I think this helps pick up the pace from the first section because we know that Zac is going to be an important character (helps when you name the story after them
So yeah, I loved it but we both knew I would! I see that you aren't going to post more chapters on here so let me know the best way for me to keep reading please <3 I'm happy to carry on reviewing if you want me to, whether that's on YWS or somewhere else but I can't wait to read the next part!
<3
Icy
LOL the first version was worse. I literally took me three drafts to realize that there was a Jack and a Jackie x_x
I changed Jackie but ZAC AND JACK ARE TOO LATE. THEY'RE TOO SET IN MY BRAIN :p
I'm so glad!!! Me too <3 <3
THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO SHARE IT BECAUSE I DIE OVER THEM <3 <3
Thank you so much <3 <3
I'm zooming right along with the writing of this again. I'm hoping to finish by the end of January and then I think I'm going to email it to interested parties if that works for you!!