Sam was beginning to think that he was ill prepared for taking care of himself and Mina. While he was just living by himself, he was already struggling to survive, but with an extra mouth to feed, it was getting just downright impossible. Well, not in a literal sense, as both of them were able to survive, but instead impossible in a figurative sense, the meaning of which being along the lines of very difficult.
When Sam woke up on Saturday morning, it was not the caused by his alarm clock, but instead the beams of light beating against his face. He held his hand up against his face to block out the sunlight while he awoke from his slumber. As he got dressed, he noticed that Mina’s eyes were already open, and her face was pointed in his general direction. He smiled and walked closer to her. He put his lips right next to her ear and asked, “Are you hungry?” His question was answered by Mina’s enthusiastic nodding. He said again, “Okay. I’m gonna go make breakfast now.” He did exactly as he promised.
When the two sandwiches were made, Sam brought them to his room. He sat down next to Mina and held it in front of her face. She bit into it again and again until there was nothing left of it except crumbs. When Mina was finished, Sam proceeded to devour his carbon nutrients as well. As Sam got out of his seat, Mina abruptly started talking. “Sam? Am I gonna stay with you?”
Sam answered, “Huh? Oh, yeah.”
“Yay! You said you’d decide what to do with me yesterday, but you never followed up on that. I got worried that you’d throw me away.” Mina responded.
“What are you talking about?” Sam questioned. “Why would I ever throw you away?”
“I dunno. I guess I was just afraid of nothing, then. By the way, do you live by yourself? I mean, besides me.”
“Yeah, I do. Why?”
“It’s just, I wonder what your parents are like,” Mina said wistfully.
“Well, the thing is, I—I’m an orphan,” Sam told Mina. “My parents died in a car crash when I was 10. I’ve had to live 7 years on my own.”
“Really?” asked Mina.
“Really,” responded Sam. “Why do say ‘really’ like that?”
“No—no reason,” Mina said.
“Okay. That’s cool,” Sam concluded.
The two sat in silence for a minute. Neither of them looked at each other, until Sam finally broke the silence by asking, “By the way, Mina, when we first met, you said you love me. What does that mean?”
Mina replied, “It means I love you.”
“As a person or as a man?” Sam asked.
“What does that mean?” Mina tilted her head a little.
“I—is it like ‘I wanna marry you’ love or ‘You’re nice and I enjoy your continued existence’ love?”
“The second one.”
“O-Okay.”
The two sat in silence again. This silence lasted what seemed like an eternity for Sam. It ended with the ringing of his doorbell. Sam got up and walked to the door. When he opened it, he found none other than Ms. Nesbit waiting for him. She was checking her phone, but when Sam opened the door and greeted her, she put it away. She greeted him with a “Hello, Mr. Matthews.”
Sam slammed the door in her face, regained his composure, then opened the door once again. He asked her, “Hello, Ms. Nesbit. What brings you to my humble abode?”
Ms. Nesbit answers with another inquiry. “So, you’re bringing Mina to school on Monday, right?”
“Yes, ma’am.” was the answer she received.
“Well, you might want to have some of this, wouldn’t you?” Ms. Nesbit took a cardboard box from behind her and handed it to Sam.
Sam asked, “What is this?”
Ms. Nesbit informed him, “Hand-me-downs. You wouldn’t want to be wheeling a naked girl around a public building, would you?”
“Wheeling?”
“Well, in her current state, she couldn’t exactly walk, could she?” Ms. Nesbit sarcastically responded.
“N-no ma’am,” Sam answered.
“That was a rhetorical question. Anyway, I got this for you, too,” Ms. Nesbit said, producing a folded wheelchair from behind her. “This was my grandfather’s, so you better be careful with it.”
“Thank you, Ms. Nesbit.”
“Anyway, that’s not what I’m really here for.” Ms. Nesbit continued, “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Sam told her.
“Thanks.” Ms. Nesbit grabbed a chair and sat in it. Sam did the same. “Tell me, how many rooms does your apartment have?”
“Three rooms, ma’am. The main room, my bedroom, and the bathroom,” Sam replied.
“Do you think that’s enough to have both you and Mina living in?”
“Not really, ma’am.”
“Look, I have my own house, and it’s pretty big. It’s got a ton of rooms, and is friendly to the disabled. I think you should move in with me,” Ms. Nesbit offered.
“I appreciate the offer, but I want to continue living by myself,” Sam said.
“Okay, but if you ever change your mind, just give me a call.” Ms. Nesbit handed Sam a slip of paper with her phone number on it. “I’ll be off now.”
“Bye, Ms. Nesbit,” Sam called.
“Bye, Mr. Matthews.” Ms. Nesbit responded as she exited Sam’s apartment.
Sam took the cardboard box and wheelchair and brought them to his room. “Hey, Mina, guess what?” Sam exclaimed loud enough for Mina to hear.
“What is it, Sammy?” Mina asked.
“Ms. Nesbit was just over. She brought you some clothes and a wheelchair, so now you can go places,” Sam informed Mina.
“Really? Tell her I said thank you!” Mina exclaimed.
Sam got Mina out of bed, laid her down flat on a table and then started to dress her. He chose out a plain white V-neck tee shirt and a pair of blue shorts. He also took some gauze and wrapped up the thing that took the place of Mina’s left leg. “Here, better?” Sam asked.
“Yeah. A lot better,” replied Mina.
Sam lifted Mina off the table and placed her into the wheelchair. “Here you are. Is this comfortable?” Sam asked.
“Yep,” Mina responded.
“Okay.” Sam rolled Mina out of his room, struggling to maneuver around the table and out the door. He leaves his apartment and heads for the elevator. Being that that elevator was really small, it was a tight fit for Sam. When he reached the first floor, Sam wheeled Mina out the door and onto the sidewalk. He said to Mina, “Well, here we are.”
“Wow! I haven’t been outside in ages!” Mina turned to Sam, a look of pure ecstasy on her face.
Sam asks, “So, where do you want to go?”
Mina answers, “I don’t know. I can’t really see anything.”
Sam said, “Well, there’s an ice cream shop. Wanna go there?”
Mina nodded. Sam rolled down the street to Benny’s Ice Cream Parlor. Sam rolled Mina into the small shop and started looking through all the different flavors. He asked Mina, “So, what flavor do you want?” Mina shrugged her shoulders and told Sam to choose for her. Sam ordered two scoops of vanilla in a cone, which he ended up sharing with Mina.
The rest of the day went well. They got lunch, went out shopping, and went to dinner. Sam scooped food into Mina’s mouth until she was full and then ate his own food as she watched. Late in the night, the two returned to Sam’s apartment. When they were going down the halls of the second floor they almost became roadkill by the hands of a rushing janitor and his cart.
As Sam lay in bed, he was kept awake by images of Mina being run over by the janitor. He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks, but he did nothing to stop them. By the end of the night, his face was crusted over by the liquid that flowed from his eyes. When he finally fell asleep, it was already morning. When he woke up, Mina was already awake. She had her face turned towards him, and was staring intently at his face. Sam turned towards her as well. Mina closed her eyes and leaned her face towards Sam. Sam leaned his face in, too, but when it came time for their lips to touch, Sam couldn’t find the courage to go through with it. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Mina and telling her, “We’re moving.”
After breakfast, Sam took his phone and called the number on the slip of paper Ms. Nesbit left him. She told him that she’d arrange everything, and would be coming over in an hour to pick the two up. After packing all his stuff, along with Mina’s clothes, Sam wheeled Mina out of the apartment and onto the sidewalk. There, he saw Ms. Nesbit waiting for him. She led them to where her car was parked. When they got there, Sam lifted Mina in, put her wheelchair in the trunk, and then got in himself. As they drove away, they passed Sam’s apartment building. He looked at it through the window, shed a single tear, then turned away.
When they arrived at Ms. Nesbit’s house, they found that it was not a house, but instead a miniature mansion. The walls were all painted white, with numerous paintings arranged in an orderly fashion on them. Sam exclaim, “Wow! What a place you have, huh.”
Ms. Nesbit leaned in close to him and said, “This is your place, too, Sam, starting today.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Sam said.
“First things first, no more ‘ma’am’ or ‘Ms. Nesbit’. Just call me Rachel outside of school,” Ms. Nesbit commanded.
“Yeah sure, R—Rachel.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
I'm glad that you cleared this up. I was going to mention in one of my reviews that I wasn't sure if Sam was living by himself or not. It's actually quite important to know that. It shows us how self sufficient Sam is and it helps us make sense of the fact that Sam seems to be alone, besides Mina being there. It also gives me an idea that Sam is at the older spectrum of high school, or whatever school he goes to. I can't imagine a fourteen, fifteen, or even sixteen year old kid living on their own.
I have to say that I find this unrealistic. If his parents died, then someone else should've been put in charge to take care of him. If not a family member, then an orphanage. And there's no way that a ten year old could live by himself. How did he get money? He's wouldn't be old enough to work.
Wait, Mina has been naked this whole time?! Wouldn't Sam at least give her something to wear?
I like how we're getting a better look at Mina in this chapter. You don't go into a lot of detail here, but we get a good idea of who she is. The dialogue in this chapter really shows off her personality: happy, quirky, and curious. She's a sweet girl who just wants to stay with Sam and be safe.
Ohhhh, that ending. I like it! Now that they've moved in with Ms. Nesbit, I feel like everything is going to change. I mean, you said that in the last sentence here. But even without that sentence, I still got that idea from your writing.
Why oh why did Sam decide to move in with Ms. Nesbit?! Hello, there are alarms going off everywhere around this choice, Sam! Get yourself together! Anyway, I really did feel like doing a facepalm when Sam decided to move. Like, really? He didn't get the warning signs from before? Ms. Nesbit suddenly seems super interested and caring about this girl that just showed up at his house the other day. If that isn't a bad sign then I don't know what is.
Alright, I'm going to check out the next chapter.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there, Steph on the review,
First you have some great potential..keep reading and writing and that style works for you.
You don't need to name some things, like here
' “Are you hungry?”,His question was answered by Mina’s enthusiastic nodding.' you could just say ," She nodded enthusiastically..something like that.
Which, brings me to the next point, you could economize on your words..here" As he got dressed, he noticed that Mina’s eyes were already open, and her face was pointed in his general direction. He smiled and walked closer to her. He put his lips right next to her ear and asked, “Are you hungry?”, I'm going to take a little liberty here.."As he dressed up, he noticed Mina's eyes we already open and she was facing him/his direction. He smiled and walked closer to her. He brought his lips close to her ear and whispered, "Are you hungry?"
And that takes me to another point, building on the diction..okay,Maybe you've heard this already, I see this isn't your first chapter but just saying, hope that helps..
The ending is great, some suspense..might have to read the other chapters as well.
Well that escalated quickly.
Yup
Oh my gosh so good! Thank you for including Sam's age in this chapter. I'm so glad Mrs. Nesbit is back. Yay! Okay, good things first. As I was reading this chapter, I noticed how mature your writing is. It almost seems like a professional writer wrote this. Your dialogue is superb and realistic. Kudos to you. I really like how this story is developing and at the end of every chapter, I always want to read more.
. Post the next chapter soon please!
Now for the critique. In one chapter you say that it takes Sam and Mina awhile to get settled and later have Sam say “Wow! What a place you have, huh.” First of all, the second sentence "What a place you have, huh." should end with a question mark. Also, Sam should say "What a place you have, huh." before they take awhile to settle in. Other than that, AWESOME JOB