Sam Matthews’s day was pretty normal. He woke up, put on his clothes, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, combed his brown hair, got dressed, went to school, got lunch, left school, bought groceries, went home, did homework, made dinner, ate dinner, played video games, and took a shower. All the normal stuff. The day should have been pretty much like any other. That is, until he found the naked girl in his bed.
After undressing and attempting to cleanse himself with water and animal fat, Sam proceeded to put on his undergarments and prepare to rest in his living space, on top of the a sheet on top of a layer of stuffing sandwiched by sheets on top of a frame, a contraption commonly known as the “bed”. When Sam had gotten to his room, he was surprised to discover that upon his bed, but under his blanket, was a bump. Emerging from the spot where the blanket ends was a mass of golden string. Finding the presence of a conspicuous mass of string and a bump on top of his bed which was supposed to be empty made Sam quite suspicious. Acting on his instincts, Sam began to remove the blanket from the bed, exposing the bump. He was surprised to see that the string was actually hair, and that the bump was in fact a nude girl sprawled across his bed. The girl was nothing spectacular. She had an average body, and a cute, chubby face. Sam did what any normal adolescent male would do, and began to caress the girl’s skin. He brought his hand down across her arm, only to find it cold as a cold rock. He stood above the mysterious maiden, and put his fingers on her neck. He felt the skin on her neck pulsate, and he was reassured that upon his bed was not a dead naked girl, but in fact a living naked girl. This was quite the reassurance for him, as he didn’t need the police banging at his door since he had a dead naked girl in his bedroom.
He continued to remove the sheets, pulling it down farther and farther, feeling his face get redder as he went. As he went past the nether regions, he noticed that where this mystery girl’s left leg should have been, there was instead a… thing. There was no other way to describe it other than a… thing. There was flesh, blood, and muscle, but where there was supposed to be bone, there was just a hole, almost like if someone cut her leg off three quarters of the way down her thigh, then ripped the bone out. Blood started flowing out as soon as he exposed it to the elements, but soon stopped. He called out for her to wake up, but she didn’t budge. He started waving his hand over her face, but she laid completely still, save for the rising and falling of her chest. He grabbed her hand and started shaking, to no avail. He finally concluded that she had to be lost in sleep, and put his hand on her. He reached upward along her body, but as he finally got to the most vital spot, her rib cage, she woke up, screaming.
For a couple extremely awkward seconds, the two just froze and stared at each other. The girl stared at Sam, who had his hand in her bosom, and Sam stared at the girl, who was sleeping in his bed in the nude. Finally, it was the girl who broke the silence. “Wha- where am… who are you?” she managed to get out.
“I, uh, just, uh,” Sam uttered, completely flustered. He looked down at his hand and immediately retracted it. “I’m just, uh, searching you, uh, for, uh, weapons. Yeah, weapons. Nothing but weapons. I was absolutely not performing lewd acts on a naked girl in my bed.”
“Okay,” the girl replied. “Well, that’s a good thing to note. Could you, uh, also untie my hands?”
“What are you talking about?” Sam inquired. “Your hands are completely normal. Like mine, see?” Sam held his hands up for her to see.
“What are you doing? I can’t see,” the girl told Sam.
“I’m just waving my hands,” Sam informed her.
“Also, if I’m not tied down, then why can’t I feel my arms?” the girl asked.
“I… I dunno…” Sam muttered.
“Huh?” the girl said in a confused tone. “Sorry, I can’t here you.”
“I don’t know,” Sam clarified.
“Oh… okay…” the girl began, trailing off at the end.
“Anyway, who are you? And what happened to your leg?” Sam asked the girl.
“What are you talking about, my leg…?” The girl looked over at the thing that took the place of her left leg. Her eyes widened after her realization that she barely had a left leg anymore. Her mouth was left gaping open. She shook her head, turned to Sam and said, “I’m not sure… I just… i…” She tried to piece together a sentence, but broke out into tears, slamming her head against the bed. Her leg that was actually a leg started flailing around as the silent sobbing turned into bloodcurdling screams. Sam wrapped his arms around her, and held her until she quieted down.
Sam told the girl, “I’m calling 9-1-1.” He took his phone off his desk and started dialing.
“No…” the girl whimpered. “Please don’t. They’ll take me away. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay here with you.”
“But…” Sam protested. “But I don’t know how to deal with this situation.”
“Please,” the girl insisted. “Please let me stay here. I swear I’ll behave. I promise I’ll be a good girl. Just please don’t call anyone.”
“I don’t… I don’t know.” Sam said softly. “I, just, why do you want to stay here? I could get you help.”
“No. Please,” the girl said, tears in her eyes. “I- I love you.”
Sam was momentarily paralyzed. When his brain started functioning at full capacity again, he said, “O-Okay. So, uh, did you, uh, I don’t know, want to stay here?”
“Yes. Very much so,” the girl responded.
Sam began to crawl into bed. “So, you never did tell me your name. I’d like to know.”
The girl replied, “Mi-Mina. Mina Terrion.”
“Well, okay Mina Terrion. You can stay for tonight. We’ll decide what to do with you tomorrow.” Sam pulled the sheets over himself and Mina, shut the lights, and went to bed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
So, I'm really picky when it comes to opening lines. I find that the opening line is a first impression that readers get of you piece. You want to make it good. Now, I'm not saying that this opening sentence is bad. I just think you could've created a different oprning line. I just think this is too mundane, to cliche an open. Not to mention it's a run-on sentence. Or at least, the second sentence is a run-on.
Well, that was an interesting chapter needless to say. Mina loves him? But they just met! And they haven't even been talking for more than a few minutes. How is it that she loves him already? It's all very strange. I like that though. It makes me want to read more and figure out what exactly is going on.
I have to say, your descriptions are spot on. Especially when it comes to the state that the girl is in. I found myself cringing as you explained how there wasn't even a bone in her leg. I made me feel bad for her and then, again, wonder exactly what is going on. The real thing that bothered me, to be honest, is that she seems to be okay with all of this. I mean, she doesn't want Sam to cal 911. If I were in her situation I would definitely be freaking out and begging him to call an ambulance. But Mina isn't like that. Sure she gets upset for a little bit, but then she's calm and all she wants to do is stay with Sam.
One thing about Sam I noticed is that he's quite fine with all this as well. I mean, true he was freaked out by the girl he found in his bed, but he didn't shink away from her. Instead, he decided to help her. Which I found interesting. And then they end up just going to sleep peacefully. Despite the fact that this girl is laying here with a huge hole in her leg. (How on earth is she still alive?)
I'm super excited to read more. I really want to figure out what happens!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
He's an adolescent male. Of course he's fine with having a naked girl sleep in his bed.
Oh...
Interesting. It seemed bunched together in some places, but very straight to the point. I like it. One problem I found though is that in the beginning, it says he put on his breakfast, brushed his teeth then ate breakfast, seemed, odd. The first breakfast probably was meant to say clothes. Anyways, very well explained at the part where Sam is trying to explain what he was doing. Very well written there. Anyways, good read and hope for more.
-Mydnyt
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Welcome to YWS! Hope you enjoy your time with us!
Let's start off with the Nitpicks!
I know ksb2017 said this before me, but wow, reading that takes a lot of effort - it isn't really needed, but I can see the point your making. Maybe if you put:
This makes your work much more effective and much easier for the reader. Also it helps the flow.
•
Point one: Since when do people was with animal fat? xD This made me laugh and confused at the same time. It is unrealistic and very strange. I would think about rephrasing your sentence.
Point two: Again, ksb2017 mentioned the bit about the bedding. I mean, if say, you were John Steinbeck and you were describing Crooks' bed in of Mice and Men, then it would be an important issue to raise - but in this case, mentioning the bed is a little pointless, why not put: 'he settled down into his comfy bed'?.
•
"i" should be a capital "I".
Storyline and Characters!
Well... This was the most unique-est novel chapter I have ever read. Seriously. Never in my life have I read about a naked mystery girl popping up into someone's bed with have of her leg amputated off. That was just... Wow. It left me speechless. It is good to be unique and original when writing your novella, so along with that, you need to be as realistic as you possibly can. Now I know that this can't be that normal as the whole storyline is a Scifi-sort of mystery so you can be pretty wild and go with it. But try to make the normal parts realistic. Good job.
So we have the protagonist, Sam, and Mina (also another protagonist?) who are completely bamboozled by this weird, twist events that have taken place. The way you describe Sam being so concerned over having a dead girl is realistic and also quite humorous when you say he wants to check if she is or she isn't. I mean, I'd be creeped out and wouldn't want to touch it, but at the same time make sure the girl wasn't dead. When she wakes up and finds him there, I would be in total shock if I were her - I would have slapped him. xD
Anyway, you have a good story going on here. So well done!
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the input. I'll keep it in mind.
Hey, there. Ksb is doing a review.
). Good job, Carb!!! 
"He woke up, put on his breakfast, brushed his teeth, ate breakfast, combed his brown hair, got dressed, went to school, got lunch, left school, bought groceries, went home, did homework, made dinner, ate dinner, played video games, and took a shower."
For starters, this sentence is way too long and contains more than enough commas to suffice for the statement. I understand that the point of the sentence was to explain the normal-type day for Sam, but try to construct a different, more-compact way to release the information. Also, after the first comma, you wrote:"...put on his breakfast...". As funny sounding as that was, it is not correct. "put on his clothes" is probably what you meant.
"on top of the a sheet on top of a layer of stuffing sandwiched by sheets on top of a frame"
Um.... what? Reword, please.
“Sorry, I can’t here you.”
hear*
That's it for the criticizing, except for a few comma-related errors.
A good opening for what sounds like an interesting book. You use fairly mature words (except for "bosom"
At least I didn't use the other "b" word.
Yeah... that might have brought some bad words from your peers.
that was strange but compelling. I am oddly excited for the next chapter. At the moment i hardly know the characters so i hope you will introduce them further in the next chapter. I really want to find out why she was there. The awkward moment when she wakes up and he is touching her was priceless
. This was a great first story to post. Awesome. Now criticism time. I was a little bit confused when Mina said "I can’t see” but then is able to see her legs. Also what happened to her arms? And "I love you" was a bit sudden. I am sorry i am being such a critic but I figure you would want to have another persons opinion. Overall it is really good. So excited for the next chapter.
Well, for the Mina-not-seeing thing, I forgot to mention that Sam was pretty far away from her. Thanks for the review.
FIRST