I, too, hear America

This is gem popping in for a review.

As I read this peice it felt less patriotic and more a sarcastic look on the song of America, and what lay behind it. The song was sung through stubbornness and grit teeth. This poem was angled at America still claiming greatness while enduring such great violence. Or well, at least from my perspective it seemed to be.

If I had to pick any details to change I would suggest finding synonyms of 'sing' and 'cry' to make the poem more colorful. If you want to mix up the style of your work a bit try using lowercase and italics, they can give poems different emotional value as well!

I thought this was a very real poem, centering on real life and modern issues. My favorite line was "togetherness can be a burden". It most definitely can be a burden, I interpreted that as unsupportive family because I have had that burden- but that isn't to say I'm sure it was what you intended.

Thank you for sharing your poem, I enjoyed reading it! Keep writing.

This is gem signing off!

Hi Cam! A belated welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying the site so far!

I like that you've used quite an unstructured format for this piece of poetry. It feels quite organic, and I think the enjambment here makes the tone feel almost conversational. I'd be interested to see how you might split this into more structured stanzas because I agree with Luminescent's point below that it does read a bit like a short story. It might be interesting to play around with the format to more powerfully deliver the message.

I think the flow of this in terms of beginning with a more positive and vibrant portrayal of everyday life, where people are singing and working together and then moving into a darker tone and addressing the challenges and inequalities faced by different segments of society works well, but might benefit from having a clearer split which could make the message of the poem a bit more powerful. More explicit language or imagery might make that tone shift a little clearer!

I enjoyed reading this though, thanks for sharing

Hello! I am not American nor have I read the poem you suggested but I shall review this all the same because why not?! Pardon the alpaca, it has gone a bit cuckoo, but it shall try its best to review (hey that rhymes)

One thing I noticed about this poem is that it's not structured as one. It would help the reader see it more as a poem if you structure it well

I do hear America singing, yes I do. I hear from the opposing street to the bustling cities downtown with the trains holding the same tune. The same song is sung by the workers again, I hear the families join in the song.

I hear the babies whining and their mothers hushing them, the children outside at play. The TV blasts while the workers hum, the chill runs throughout the working day. I hear the streets weep as the children run, no longer at play but out of the schools where the popping sound goes boom, boom, boom. The babies cry, the mothers cry and now the sound knows no equal.

The song behind the bars is lost, togetherness can be a burden. We laugh, we cry, we play all day, and yet the song remains certain. We sing, we sing, this song we sing, it is sung by all. However, it is never carried at the same tune, and the cadence dissipates by others as it begins to fall. The song is sung, we all hear the beat, America stands tall! The lyrics begin to unravel, but yet we sing, “Liberty and justice for all”.

Hi! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Welcome to YWS! I'm guessing you based the title on the poem by Langston Hughes, "I, Too, Sing America." But let's get into the review!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a very meaningful poem about the togetherness of a country and how songs can bring us together. It shows how even after hard times, the music brought people together and gave them hope.

Slightly Burnt Marshamallow - Room for Improvements
I think one thing you could have fixed was spreading out the lines a little more. Right now, they are divided into paragraphs, so it's more like a short story. If each sentence was its own line, then I think it would make the poem more meaningful.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
You did a great job at describing how everyone came together to sing. You wote a lot of emotion into this poem, so it's really riveting and inspiring. You can imagine in your head how all the voices are singing. Great job!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, the is a beautiful poem about people coming together to sing for their country. I hope you write more poems like this. Happy writing!

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