i’m in the sky in a flying machine when i think about dying.
it’s a lingering thought, but coveredinclaustrophobia
it’s easy for it to catch me. here, i’ll wonder
if my body becomes something: buried, burnt.
either way, my memory stays (or so they say).
lingers like loss does. i could become a
rusted-over dream, something you wish for
once you realize it’s gone, only unearthed once
gravity pulls you down from cloud nine.
like a broken record, i am stuck on the flying / falling.
life / death by machine. considering if i will be caught
or destroyed or repurposed. praying to a false god.
in every iteration of death, i wish for the imprint
i’ve left to outlive the battery life of a betraying machine.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello, Phantasm! Hope you are doing well! I find this poem exhilarating - and what a banger of a first line. Really grabbed my attention, which, is unfortunately, slippery these days.
Really wonderful work! Can't wait to read more! - Yellowsweater
I love how you seem to be thinking quite a bit about craft. Your use of line breaks is very effective. Especially, when you write "here, i'll wonder/ if my body becomes something." The "here, I'll wonder" mimics the feeling of suspension in your first line as well as the conditional proposition that comes after it. It keeps your reader with you in that "flying machine" a little longer which is vital.
I think you could do a similar thing more cohesively when you write "I could become a/ rusted-over dream," if you put the article in the next line: "I could become/ a rusted over dream.
"Either way, my memory stays (or so they stay). Lingers like loss does" is a fabulous line. However, I think it would work even better if you cut the period after "(or so they say). I get the idea behind the sentence fragments, but, for me at least, this period gets in the way of a really beautiful idea.
I love
"i am stuck on the flying / falling.
life / death by machine." Awesome.
"coveredinclaustrophobia" I like the way you are playing with form here, but honestly, I don't think you need it. The idea of claustrophobia comes across pretty naturally here.
You use a couple of cliches: "like a broken record," "cloud nine," "praying to a false god." I'm all for cliches, but personally, I think they are more effective when they are "mode unfit to matter," to do damage to the ovid quote. I would just make sure you that any image you recycle you put your own spin on!
Take all of this with a grain of salt. I don't have a clue what I'm talking about
oh phantasm, we meet again...
i'm glad to see more people participate in the contest!
the obvious interpretation is that this is about flying on a plane, and while i do think it is about that in some way, i really think this is a metaphor for modernity over anything else. these systems that elevate and betray us. technology becomes, through the various amounts of religious imagery throughout, a false savior of sorts. the plane (literal) and the fear (more abstract, still literal in a sense) combine with what they both represent: there are some things that are out of our control (indefinable, philosophical/rhetorical).
LOVE what you've done here!
the combined "coveredinclaustrophobia" is jarring to me, but it represents the greater anxiety that you're writing about. i feel it encapsulates how deeply fear can manifest in a high-tech, high-altitude setting. it's not just about a fear of crashing, since of course that is a fear, but it's about how the mind itself can become a sealed cabin. the lack of space (literal and mental) becomes fertile ground for existential terror.
the placing of "it’s easy for it to catch me" feels odd though? like i understand it is meant to be like it is easy to catch you because you are covered in claustrophobia, but it doesn't read like that to me. the "it" in question is vague enough to where "catching" feels like an out of place verb. this might just be me though, but that syntax feels strange.
duality!
though, i don't necessarily think it is fully developed. it is breathless, spiraling, but slash is over-literal. i understand it may be referring to a FALSE duality, just as there are false gods mentioned later, but it asks a lot of questions that are unanswered: which machine? is it literal (plane), metaphorical (systems, society), or bodily (the self-as-machine)? poetry doesn't need to be, and shouldn't be, explanatory, but i think it could be very useful to clarify what you mean for these specific lines. what is life by machine? what is death by machine?
also, the whole false god idea opens a door that isn’t fully walked through. who or what is the false god? technology? memory? the idea of permanence? you could develop this more clearly.
i really love this ending! i think it suggests death isn’t a singular event; it’s cyclical, imagined, replayed. society itself does this in everything: media, culture, art, etc. the concept that technology has failed the general masses is also really compelling and fitting for the previous metaphors, since we all know that tech has grown rapidly and out of our control. there is a fragility to modern life that is captured here in a way that is hard to describe.
overall, i love this poem! your voice is perfect for poetry that is more contemplative or even critical of these "human" things we feel/do, and i love seeing everything that you create! it is always a pleasure to read and review <3
best,
floodlights