Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Mystery / Suspense

E - Everyone

The Three Siblings' Love

by Butterfly7


A/N: Just in case you don't know, I am a seven-year old kid who literally just posted this story on YWS. I may have gotten help from my sister, Liberty500.

Once upon a time, there were two kids whose names were Sofia and Jon. They were siblings who loved adventures. And adventure stories! They had an older sister whose name was Olivia, she was always cranky. Sometimes, she gave them ice-cream in an attempt to be nicer.

One day, Sofia and Jon planned to escape into the jungle all alone. There were wild creatures everywhere. They even saw some rare flowers.

“This is getting mighty scary, Jon!” Sofia exclaimed.

“I know. I think we should go back.” Jon said.

“But we don’t know the way home!” she cried, fear washing over her face.

“Oh no.” whispered Jon, worriedly. Suddenly, they heard a Whoosh! behind one of the bushes. Out jumped a person covered in black and before the siblings got a chance to scream for help, a bunny innocently hopped out of the same bush.

“Aw...” Sofia said, staring lovingly at the bunny.

“Not the right time, Sofia.” Jon hissed, he turned toward the stranger. “Who are you and what do you want?” he picked up a branch and held it out as if it were a sword.

Within a blink of an eye, Jon and Sofia were carried away deeper into the woods with the stranger covered in black. The person had the kids’ mouth covered with a piece of cloth. A moment later, they reached an abandoned cabin. The person uncovered the mask he or she was wearing.

“What?!” Sofia shrieked.

“Olivia?!” Jon screamed at the same time. “Olivia?! It was you this entire time?” he exclaimed. Olivia frowned, “Yes, me.”

“B-b-but why?” Sofia questioned.

“I’m sorry! I just needed to get you guys back home! I had to save you from all these crazy creatures!” Olivia explained.

“You actually care about us?” Sofia and Jon said together.

“Uh, yes,” she sighed. “I thought that I was really mean to you guys, and I thought that I should be a wonderful older sister and role-model for you guys. I’m so so sorry!”

“It’s okay! Now, we can have tons of time together and no one will think that we have a sister who wants us dead.” Jon said.

“Yeah, I think it’s okay too. I agree with Jon.” Sofia cheerfully said.

“Thank you so much! You guys are the best!” the oldest sister exclaimed.

“But, we don’t know the way home.” Sofia pointed out.

“Oh, I don’t either…” Olivia whispered.

“We are lost forever!” the threesome shouted altogether.

THE END!

A/N: Don’t worry, all the siblings found their way home. :-)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 1787
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2019 11:06 pm
Flyingsquirrel42 wrote a review...



For a seven-year-old, this is an impressive story!

Things I liked:
- The idea is original and has a lot of potential
- The characters' emotions are realistic

Things I didn't like:
- The pacing. It felt a little rushed.
- The lack of action. I definitely have a problem with this as well: writing too much dialogue and not enough action. If you added some action in between what your characters are saying, I would feel more like I were living in the story
- Olivia isn't really fleshed out as a character. We don't really see her being a mean older sister - it's only mentioned that she's often cranky. Instead of jumping straight into the adventure, maybe Olivia does something mean to Sofia and Jon, prompting them to go on an adventure to escape her. This would make Olivia's apology near the end of the story more logical.

Little nit-picky thinks:
- Might want to review your grammar rules with dialogue tags. ""But, we don't know the way home." Sofia pointed out" should be ""But, we don't know the way home," Sofia pointed out". Notice how there's a comma instead of a period at the end of Sofia's sentence.

Overall, this is a great story! Keep it up!




Butterfly7 says...


Thank you very much. I will keep that in mind. :smt003



User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 7
Reviews: 29

Donate
Fri Mar 15, 2019 12:16 pm
MiniGem26 says...



I liked your cute little story.




User avatar
544 Reviews


Points: 30084
Reviews: 544

Donate
Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:48 am
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Okay, may I just start by saying WOW! This was a very well written story, and the most amazing thing is, is that your only seven, so I think you will grow up to be a fine writer. You know when I was your age I couldn't even for a sentence, let alone a story. So I am very proud of you.
I got to know the characters quit well in this story, it was nice that you gave us a little bit of a back story. It made the story a lot better. It was nice to see the three kids get along in the end, and become closer. It was very heart warming.
I also want to mention the way your characters talked, I thought you did a really good job with that two. I'm quit a bit older then you, and I still have trouble with making my characters in my book talk their age, so I think you nailed this story.
I'm afraid I did see one or two things that needed to be fixed. But the good thing about that is that you will learn from your mistakes, and they were very miner. So I'll get to them right away.

So the first thing isn't really a mistake it's a place you could add a little more.

“But we don’t know the way home!” she cried.

At the end I would have added a little something like this to it.
“But we don’t know the way home!” she cried, fear washing over her face.

If you look that little bit I added, it makes a large difference. But was was good is that I saw you add little bits like this through out your story, it's just this pit needed a little something.

Okay, onto the next thing.
Okay the next this is just a small spelling mistake.
“Who are you and what do you want?” he picked up a branch and help it out as if it were a sword.

Okay, so the word in bold, is the word that needs to be fixed. I'm sure you meant to say held instead of help.

Okay last thing I saw is another simple thing.
“But, we don’t the way home!” Sofia pointed out.

I think you forgot to put a no between to two words in bold.

Okay so that's it. I am really happy I got the change to help you with your story. It was really fun to read and review it for you. I hope I will get to chance to review your work again some time in the future. Never stop writing because you can become an amazing writer, and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
If you ever need points don't be shy to ask. :wink:




Butterfly7 says...


Thank you very much! I'm going to fix that. :)



Butterfly7 says...


I fixed it!





I'm glad I could help you out. :D I love reading your work. I hope to see more soon.



Butterfly7 says...


I want to be an author when I grow up...





Well I think you will be one fine author. For the age of seven and your writing this well, I think you will have no trouble at all.



Butterfly7 says...


Thank you





Your welcome.



Butterfly7 says...


:D



User avatar
852 Reviews


Points: 21955
Reviews: 852

Donate
Thu Feb 28, 2019 1:47 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Ah nice work, I know I was not writing anywhere near this well for stories at seven years old, I am very impressed!

The conclusion was a bit of a cliff-hanger as it left me hanging a bit as I was wondering how they ended up back home. I encourage you to keep on writing and growing your characters, writing like anything else takes a lot of practice, and for such a young writer you've already developed a lot of skills!

My favorite part was the little twist when we found out the villain was just the sister coming to rescue her siblings, that was a nice humorous turn to the story. There's natural dialogue and characterization here; both important things for writing a story - keep on developing those skills, and maybe even play with the scenery more - these are all things that engage the reader and keep them interested. I really look forward to seeing more of your stories on YWS. :)

Have a wonderful day, and feel free to let me know if you have any questions about my review!




Butterfly7 says...


Liberty, my sister, helped me, so it wasn't just me. :)
I like doing cliff-hangers so that readers can imagine the next few parts. XD



User avatar
307 Reviews


Points: 18616
Reviews: 307

Donate
Thu Feb 28, 2019 12:32 am
Liberty says...



I'm really proud of this work! <3





Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars