Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
*This short story may have a subject you may find your self sensitive to! Know your limits! 13+! This story is based on true events. TW: Yelling. Crying. Threats of Harm to Child. Mention of Knifes.*
I remember that day at my Nana's. I think had just started Kindergarten at the time? I do not remember.. It was most likely on a weekend, possible still during summer, since I vividly remember having on shorts. I know it was sometime during the evening, though the curtains were closed I remember seeing it was still light out through the crack of the curtains.
My Nana had two couches, one on the right and one in the middle, my mother and I sat on the couch on the right with my Nana and aunt. We were all watching TV, it casting a whitish-blue hue on the room while the lamp in the corner made an orange hue, we were watching TV since no one else was home. After some time of watching TV, I went to the restroom with my mother since I needed to use it, she went with me to help me wash my hands.
Just as we stepped foot out the restroom I felt a pain in my legs, it was so sudden I didn't have time to say a word about it since just as soon as I felt that pain, I fell to the ground. I had started crying, it was like my legs became paralyzed, my hand held onto my mothers and so I pulled on her hand in a way to ask her for help, but she thought I was just being difficult..
She kept saying "[REDACTED] come on, get up! Stop crying!" all the while she pulled at my hand in a way to force me to my feet, but I couldn't get on my feet which made me cry harder and her pull up harder which made my arm ache. She was yelling something to my Nana in Spanish, my aunt was also saying something, to me or my mother I don't know.
Suddenly she started dragging me by my arm back to the couch while saying "Why do you have to be so difficult!?" "I wouldn't be doing this if you would just get up and walk!" "If you don't get up and walk I'm cutting off you legs!" Once at the couch she sat down next to my Nana, telling her something quick in Spanish before picking me up and sitting me by her side, my aunt looked concerned but didn't say a word. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't move my legs.
"[REDACTED] go get the knife" My mother told my aunt, she seemed reluctant but she stood up and walked to the kitchen nonetheless, ironic, this aunt is the oldest out of all my mothers siblings...
The rest of it is hazy, then a blank.. I don't know if I got an apology from them, all I know is I still have both my legs...
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I can picture your story clearly! Hi @ZOOK13, it's CATS here to review your work! Or maybe count this as a comment? Well, here we go!
First Paragraph: A flashback memory! Great beginning here. It's very descriptive, the narrator remembering what happened way back in kindergarten, wearing shorts, perhaps in the summer, at their nana's...it describes how some memories are clear, and some details are blurred. Great!
Second Paragraph: Lots of describing colors! I love the creativity! It leads to the next paragraph...
Third Paragraph: It explains how the narrator is in the washroom when he or she feels a pain in their leg, and how the mother didn't understand what he or she was crying about.
Fourth Paragraph: About the mother being mad, honestly, parents don't know how children or teens feel, despite being one once in their lives. Relatable.
Fifth Paragraph: OOF...now she's threatening the narrator!? Wow. SO GOOD!
Sixth Paragraph: Thought she was kidding. No offense, that woman is crazy XD
Seventh Paragraph: I think it is such a good ending! The rest of the memory or flashback was blurred, which gave a mysterious sense about what happened after. Maybe she was kidding and just wanted to scare the narrator after all...maybe something else...all we know is that the narrator is still alive. Still well!
Overall, I THINK IT IS A GREAT STORY AND I AM EXCITED FOR MORE OF YOUR WORKS!
Happy Writing!
Your Friend,
CATS
Hi Z00KI3, hope you're doing well! Like Raven said, the "hazy memory" aspect makes this story even more horrifying and impactful. The phrases like "I think" and "all I know" add to the realistic feeling of this being a story that someone is verbally telling to the reader. So, props for style! Alright, and on to some specifics.
Just a couple of typos here! (1) There should be either one or three periods after "I do not remember" ^^ (2) "possible" should be "possibly". I'm always uncertain whether to nitpick grammar/spelling or not, since it doesn't matter much to me personally, but it does make stories look more professional. Let me know whether it's helpful or not!
I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I thought it was cool that you subtly directed the reader's thoughts to pants/legs early on in the story, even before the main event of the narrator's legs freezing up.
I noticed some instances of "comma splicing", which is when a comma is used to "incorrectly" connect two independent clauses. Again, grammar is something I'm more and more iffy about correcting, but English rules say that separating it with a period, using a conjunction, etc. is correct while using a comma is wrong. (I would say it makes it feel this story feel more natural, but eh) XP Anyways, in this case, one possibility could be: "My Nana had two couches, one on the right and one in the middle. My mother and I sat on the couch on the right with my Nana and aunt."
I feel like a metaphor or simile could really emphasize the pain here! Did it feel sharp like needles, or dull but hot like lava? (Sorry, those are pretty cliche, but hopefully you get the point. Maybe something more creative would be, "sharp like getting bitten by hundreds of origami cranes".)
(1) Yikes, that's a terrifying threat to hear, especially for a kindergartener who probably can't tell whether she's being serious or not! (2) In this case, I'd say spelling is important, since the "you" instead of "your" broke the flow for me a little ^^'
That is absolutely spine-chilling o.o I wonder how the narrator reacted? It also works super well to not show the narrator's reaction, though; it leaves the reader to wonder.
:sob: That line was just tragic. Beautifully written, though.
Nice work with this, and I hope you keep writing! Have a great day/night =D
Hello, My Friend!
Hiya, Z00KI3! I spotted this story lurking in the Green Room and hoped to give it a quick review. Hope you don't mind!
Now, let's dive right in...
Ooo, this was an absolutely chilling snippet of horror. The mystery behind the child's legs giving out was odd enough, but the absolute callousness as they drag the poor thing around? Ugh, brutal. And the fact that everything is told through the lens of a hazy memory makes it even more creepy, because it makes you wonder, what are they not remembering? What have they blocked out? And accordingly, how could it get worse than this, if it did?
*ahem* As far as a technical review goes, I don't really have much to remark on here. I did notice a little something in this sentence here:
It's a minor nitpick, but the repetition of "we were watching TV" twice here made me itch just a little bit. I do love the description here, that blue light contrasted by the warm light of the lamp (such a familiar thing, it really brought out that nostalgic feel of the story!). So perhaps for the second half, you could replace the word "TV" with whatever they were watching (a show, a movie, a specific title, etc.). Maybe it could be something that hints at the reason for this odd behavior, like a documentary on sleep paralysis or something (on account of the child losing control of their legs).
But of course, that is purely my opinion! Please take only what you like from it, and consider the rest just the mad rambling of an internet corvid <3
As far as favorite parts go, hmmm...I would have to go with:
[Minor typo I didn't catch, missing "I" after "I think" is all]. I love this tone of uncertainty in the beginning, with the narrator havign to rely on foggy recollections just to guess the point in time. It gave a feeling of realism, and made this feel like someone recounting an actual event from their past (I would hope that's not true in this case lol).
I was not expecting something like this to happen, for their legs to just crumble! It makes me wonder how, and why? Could it be an injury, or a paranormal reason? Hm...
JEEZ lady, chill!! It was so sad (and effectively mortifying) to see these women berating a child ToT
Ooo, what a mysterious note to leave off on. It again makes me wonder, what are they NOT remembering here, for better or worse?
Overall, that was an awesome short horror experience, very nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi Raven!! Thank you for the review! :3 The little typo and repetition was something I didn't notice when I read it over myself (but I was on a time crunch, so I doubt I would have seen it), so thank you for pointing it out! I will definitely work on not repeating words for my next story! I'm glad you liked how it was written like a foggy memory, I tried to make it seem like it was actually someone documenting this memory. (But between you and me this was based on something that really happened in the past)
You're welcome! You did a great job here! (also, woah, I wouldn't have guessed that!! O.O)
Ty Ty!! <333 (lolz, it's not something I think people would guess!!)