Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
*14+! Based off true events! Any names said are not the real people. TW: Slight Cursing. Slight Yelling. Implied/Referenced Child Abuse.*
Mothers... they all just want the best for their children. And they all have different ways of discipline, I know that very well.
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It was summer, 1995. I was waiting for my friend to come over to play after he got out of church, he went with his mother and brothers to a different one then me and my family. My mother didn't like where they went, but still let me play with him since he was nice to me.
I kept rubbing at my nose, making it red and sensitive to the touch. My cheek felt hot against the cool air, my eyes burned. I sat on the couch -the plastic covering sticking to my legs uncomfortably, I rubbed hard at my knees until they were red.
My mother was making lunch in the kitchen, the sound of utensils (metal and wooden) moving against metal pots and pans was clear and loud from the doorway. My older brother was sweeping the floor, a grim look on his face.
I had gotten up from the couch and went to look out the window in case I caught a glimpse of my friend. I heard the opening and shutting of a door behind me and knew my brother was finished sweeping. The creasing of plastic was heard soon after, and I knew he was now on the couch watching the Sunday cartoons.
About five minutes passed and I spotted my father not that far from the driveway. I bounced in place, a smile spreading across my face, just before running out the door to meet him halfway. I threw my arms up and he lifted me up into a quick embrace, he was still in his church clothes since he stayed behind to talk with some of the brothers still.
A small smile painted his face, he looked over me once, a small twitch in his eyebrows was made looking at my knees, but he just quickly gave me a closed eye smile and walked inside, still holding me. Inside he put me down to take off his church shoes, he whispered to me that my friend will be here soon and to watch the cartoons in the meantime with my brother.
The Mask was playing when I sat down next to him, but I wasn't paying attention to the television, I was listening to what my parents were saying from the kitchen, it was muffled, but I could just barely make out their words.
"Milly... you said you would stop doing that to [REDACTED]. And why when I was out the house?"
"He's just so difficult Matt! And he's so bad, he doesn't listen to me!"
"He's a child! What child listens to their parents?"
"The Perkins children listen to them!"
"You know what goes on in that house... They don't have a choice."
"Okay! Okay! Leave now and get changed, I'm almost going to be done with lunch."
And with that, their conversation ended and my father headed in the direction of their room to change. I zoned out for a bit while watching the TV, I was brought back to reality by the abrupt banging on the door and shouts that I only I could recognize as my friend. Which means he's here now!
I quickly got off the couch and ran to open the door, once I saw my friend I gave him a tight hug, to which he patted my on my back. He always tried to act like the Junior High kids we walked to school with, trying to act like he was to cool to be friends with me when he still slept with a stuffed animal.
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We were outside playing catch with a mitt and baseball, when out of the blue he spoke.
"[REDACTED]? What's those marks on your knees? They're super small and thin."
Oh, my knees. I looked down at my knees at what he said. On both my knees were many small and thin oval shaped marks on my knees. I drop the ball from my mitt. I look back at him.
"Uncooked rice grains. That's what the marks are from."
"How? How the hell do you have marks from rice on your knees?"
He also cursed like the Junior High kids.
"My mother makes me kneel on rice grains if I do something wrong."
"That's stupid, sounds like it hurts. Does it hurt?"
"Yeah, but not that much anymore..."
"..."
"..."
"Well, what did you do, that... had her do that?"
"I didn't listen to her when she kept telling me to sit still during church."
"Such a stupid reason..."
"I know."
"Anyway, lets keep playing before i have to go back home for lunch."
I nod, and toss him the ball, but my mind is else ware.
I look back down at my knees, etching every mark into my mind.
Completely missing the baseball that curves past me.
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,991 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Hiya, BunBun! Late to the party on this one, sadly, but it’s me, Raven, and I’m here to review the next installment of MOTP! Since these are shorter stories (lovely as they are!), I'll be using my condensed Familiar method (it's basically just the smores method lol)! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Alright, another great story—told well enough to make you think it's a chapter in a fictional character's life, but also just so raw and real at the same time. Much like, I think, Fears To Fathom is the franchise I'm thinking of? Once it sinks in that these are real stories, it just makes everything so much more impactful, and the darker details make you itch and twinge! And before we proceed, I want to commend you for sharing your real stories here <33 So with that, let's get into the details.
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Alright, this is going to seem like a lot, but they're teeny, tiny little typos that hardly detracted from anything! Let’s break it down…
I think where it says, "my on my back," you may have meant "me on the back"? That's all!
This sentence felt just a teeny bit choppy in the moment, is all! First, a little typo where it says "to cool to be friends with" instead of "too cool to be," and then—this is just my personal take, please do ignore as you please—I think a little comma or em dash between "...friends with me" and "when he still slept..." would divide the sentence up a little more smoothly.
First of all, my god, this moment...ouch ToT The reason I put it here though was the repetition of "on my knees" is all!
I think "else ware" was meant ot be "elsewhere" maybe?
That’s all! And of course, this is all just my opinion, so do take that advice with a grain of salt—take what you want, and consider the rest just the mad squawking of an internet corvid <3
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Alright, now the fun stuff! Let's share some highlights and reactions ~
This was a great hook to start off with! Whether you read it as genuine or cynical, it feels very relatable and immediately grabs your attention.
Loving the attention to detail, including the sensory notes! Always great to see in any writing, naturally, but in this context, it definitely adds to the realism and makes this sound even more like someone reciting a memory!
Oof—this dialogue hits hard. Like you almost want to feel bad for the mom, but at the same time, GIRL—wth are you doing, why is this your response, and how is any of it okay?!?! And yesss, children aren't exactly known for their listening skills ToT
I also love this line because it's SO real, like dude, we're in the same grade, get off your high horse XD
Okay, I have never heard of this method of "discipline" but it sounds painful, and made my skin crawl to think about ToT
Dude...what?? (-_- )
I like how you ended on that note of uncertainty, like you can tell this will become a memory that sticks with the narrator.
MadThoughts...Overall, that was another lovely story, and you did a great job! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hi Raven!!! Thx for the review <3
I didn%u2019t even notice that little spelling mistakes >O< I read it over at least three times%u2026 this is why I have glasses ><
His friend trying to be cool is based off my dad since he was like that as a kid XD still kinds is%u2026
I%u2019ve also never heard of that kind of %u201Cdiscipline%u201D either, since this story is based off a story me dad told me it kinda felt wrong writing this since it just seemed like it was impossible someone would do this to their child%u2026
And to clarify, this did not happen to my dad as a kid, it happened to his friend. The only true thing from this story is that kneeling on rice was a way a child got disciplined.
(Wow it got a bit serious at the end their..)
Your welcome!!
And woahhh, that's wild dude ToT
>U<
Something even wilder is that my dad punched him once and his friend lied to his mom about it to keep him out of trouble ToT (wanted to add that to the story but I was outta writing juice)
Woah!! Your dad sounds like he has a lot of crazy stories XD
he does!!! all of my MOTP stories (but the first one, that experience happened to me) are based off stories my dad has told me with some creative twists here and there
I like it! it's a pretty good representation of abuse as far as I know. I like the way you show the mental effects of it too, like the character unable to stop thinking about it once it gets mentioned, but also them thinking it's normal. One thing I really liked was his friend, being a kid, not really knowing what to do about it. you do a good job of writing the characters. (That entire review might have been sorta jumbled, sorry)
thank you! i tried to be as accurate as i could with how much i watched Law & Order, and from what i know about the topic. and your review wasn't jumbled! i quite liked it :]