Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
*This story is based off a true experience, and will have sensitive topics, please know what your limits are. Any names said are not the real people. TW: Attempted $u!c!d3, Pills, Slight Cursing.*
I never fully knew why I did it. I just know that I did, and I can’t ever take it back.
It impacted me more than the people I told. And I will keep remembering while they can forget.
-
-
-
Memory One: The Night Before
I was home alone.
Standing in the front of the bathroom mirror, with bright orange pills in my hand. My phone buzzing on the counter top, with notifications from an app I had downloaded, an app I will never speak of, nor say the name of ever again. I had looked through the messages, some from random people saying I should do it, others from online friends (ones that cared) saying that I shouldn’t.
I ended up swallowing the pills, downing them with tap water.
I don’t remember what I had texted on the app after I did it. I just remember reading distressed messages from an online friend, messaging in the chat for any American to call 911 for me (they lived in Europe). For me to puke up the pills, and saying “You stupid Americans!” when people refused to call for me. Though I almost did myself.
Everything after that is a bit hazy. But a do remember sobbing after, I can’t tell if it was from guilt of what I had done, or cause the pills never ended up working. I had private messaged a few online friends on that app that I was still alive. They showered me with praise, told me they loved me, and that they were so glad I was alive.
As I went to bed that night I contemplated on how I would tell my friends at school.
-
-
-
Memory Two: 6th Grade
I had walked into that classroom as a shell of who I used to be.
I had put down my backpack and sat down in my seat, waiting for my friends to enter the room. While waiting I grabbed out a notebook, wrote something down in the corner of the page and ripped it out. My friend Jay had that class with me so it didn’t take long for her to get there, out in the pod I saw our friend Chen going into his classroom.
I mustered up all remaining courage I had and walked up to Jay, handing her that piece of paper. She looked confused as to why I gave that to her, but took it nonetheless. It only took her a second to read what I wrote, a second less to envelop me in one of the tightest; and best hugs I’ve ever received.
I burst into tears.
I was gripping onto her like a lifeline. In that moment, I’ve never felt more cared for by anyone.
Our friend Iris entered the room, backpack still on. And I remember her looking distressed seeing me crying, Jay quickly looked down at me before handing her the paper, she too hugged me. Iris let go after a minute or so but Jay kept holding me. A moment passed, and Chen soon came in as-well. He came up to us immediately.
“What happened? Why’s [S-H-E] crying? What’s wrong?” He looked at me, he grabbed my arm to get my attention
Jay pushed him away.
“Shut up! Go away.” She kept him at an arms distance. I still don’t understand why she did this.
“Why? Tell me what’s wrong with [T-H-E-M]!” He yelled back. He reached for me again.
Jay turned me away, “[H-E] doesn’t have to tell you if [S-H-E] doesn’t want to!” She looked down at me, still pressed close to her chest. “Do you want him to know?” I looked up at her and nodded slightly.
I pulled away from her gently and turned to him, wiping my tear stained face. I gestured for him to come closer and lean down, I whispered into his ear; “I… tried to kill myself yesterday…”
He looked at me with shock in his eyes before quickly wrapping me in his arms. Jay and Iris joined in as well.
*
*
*
And throughout that whole day, they showered me with praise, hugged me any chance they could, even bought me treats. They made feel the happiest I could’ve ever been that day. I was so very grateful to have them as my friends.
I am grateful to say they still are.
-
-
-
They were the only people I told.
It would remain like that for almost two years.
I do wish I had told my parents earlier, but I feel it would’ve ended up the same as when I decided to.
Though time has passed, and they most likely have forgotten, I will never regret the people I chose to tell first.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Alrighty, I asked the dice and they landed on your story for the final review of the day. And woah, just reading the A/N tells me this is gonna be something. I really hope you are okay!
But afterward, you the way you phrase everything concerning the app is a bit too repetitive and clunky for me…I wish you would leave directions on what exactly you are looking for in comments on your work. I am someone who mostly looks at wording first and content only when the wording works for me soo….
I think f.e. this paragraph and how it is phrased works rly well up until including this part:
Also woah, there were ppl explicitly telling you to do it?! Glad you got rid off that app qq
!!! This hits rly close to home for me, and I shivered when reading this, good job with that @.@
Ohh I find the use of brackets around the pronouns extremely peculiar! Is this bc you were unsure, or genderfluid or… idk, I just find it interesting (also can I reiterate that I am so glad your friend were there for you?)
Thanks for sharing and I hope you continue to have a great day :3
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Hiii! Thanks for your review!! :] Glad you liked it, and I'm doing much better now, thank you for asking. (Also very curious on how you picked up that this happened to me •□•)
I understand why you thought the first bit was clunky, I had wrote the first half in one sitting and just left it alone :[ Also very glad i got rid of that app! Though i do miss the few good people i had made friends with from time to time.
And the thing with the pronouns! I did that to just keep the gender ambiguous, since this can happen to anyone (and, i was questioning at that time so that played a slight part too).
It... didn't happen to you? *checks A/N again* Ahhh I'm sorry, I was jumping to conclusions from the "this is a true experience", my apologies! (Reading comprehension is dead after all q_q)
I think the pronouns are a wonderful way to handle this!
Keep on writing :3
No! You were right at first! I just worded it wrongly :[ i apologies!! reading comprehension is a very difficult thing from time to time T-T
Still very glad you liked how i handled the pronouns >u<
<333
I really liked this short story and it reminded me a lot of something I went through as well, so I sympathized a lot.
They way you started this short story was very impactful. I could feel how disturbed the narrator feels over attempting. It immediately grabbed my attention and cut through me.You set the scene for the first memory very well. I could feel the tension and pressure build up before knowing whether or not the main character would take the pills and later on, I also felt the despair of the mc when they couldn’t realize if they were crying because the pills didn’t work or because of the guilt. Something I would suggest is that some of the sentences like can probably be meshed together somehow as the transition felt a little awkward to me.
The second memory was bittersweet. I was happy that the narrator had supportive friends who cared about them, but was also sad that they had to break the news of the attempt. Something you communicated very well was the emptiness that the narrator felt that day. I really liked this sentence: I am familiar with this emptiness and it’s hard to sit with. I found the choice of pronouns very interesting. I’m assuming the narrator is non-binary, but I am not sure.
I am glad that the person who experienced this is still alive and has a support system. While I don’t understand the exact experience they went through, I know how hard it is to feel like you don’t matter and that your lack of existence wouldn’t make a difference. I still struggle with this, but we all push on, hoping that there is a better future. Stay strong, my friend!
Haiii!! Thank you for the review:] I%u2019m glad you liked it.
I am sorry that you had went through something similar, it%u2019s a hard time to get through, but I am glad that you did.
Funny thing actually, the first sentence of the first memory was actually all put together but for some reason I split it? I think it%u2019s time for me to get a beta reader %u20220%u2022 The choice of pronouns is to keep the narrator%u2019s gender ambiguous in a sense. I suppose a better way of saying it is so anyone can put themselves in the narrator%u2019s shoes if they themselves have gone through something similar.