Somewhere in the Hector System, UFES Lake Erie
1455 hours shipboard time
“Yes, admiral, I understand,” Belisaky Maru, the Camarian Captain of the UFES (United Federation of Earth Ship) Lake Erie, nodded at the admiral.
“Very well, Captain Belisaky. The survey vessel, UFES Interstellar, could not detect any forms of life while passing by the planet even though it is covered with 70% vegetation. Be careful when you are conducting your mission, captain,” the admiral warned with a stern look on her face.
“Yes, admiral. I’ll do my best and stay safe,” Captain Belisaky smiled confidently.
“Good. In that case, will you excuse me, I have another conference to attend to,” the admiral excused herself and the videoconference was over in a flash.
Sighing, Belisaky walked over to the mossembler (also known as the molecular assembler - a machine that can produce/recycle food, water, clothes, etc. using energy) in her ready room and grabbed the cup of coffee that she had already ordered earlier on before the videoconference. In between sips of coffee, she began reflecting on the many events that had happened in the last 2 days in the Hector System.
After spending a full day at Deep Space D-13 (which is a deep space outpost), the UFES Lake Erie, a Miranda Class Science Vessel, was fully stocked with supplies, such as energy cells for the main reactor, spare parts for the ship’s main and secondary systems that were not able to be replicated by the ship's industrial mossemblers and also new spatial torpedoes. After the incident at Vector System, the UFES Lake Erie had taken a beating and it needed resupply. Now, under orders by the admiral based at D-13, Captain Belisaky must bring the ship to the planet called Green Zone 1 and immediately conduct a thorough survey of the planet as its location serves as a strategic location to pass through the Mervanda Corridor to reach the Golvora Republic, a friend of the United Federation of Earth.
At that moment, the doorbell rang.
“Come in!” Belisaky called and the doors opened automatically with a whoosh, revealing the ship’s first officer, Mike Tillerson, who entered the captain’s ready room.
“Ma’am, what was the videoconference about? Are we assigned with a new mission?” Mike asked.
“Yes, it is,” Belisaky sighed and placed her cup of coffee down on her table before turning to face her first officer. “Gather all the senior officers. I want them in conference room 1 in 5 minutes. We’re setting course for Green Zone 1.”
“Green Zone 1? Isn’t that located at the edge of the Hector system, the system we are in now?” Mike asked.
“Yes, number one,” Belisaky replied as she walked towards the door. “Get the senior officers immediately, and we’ll talk about it more in the conference room.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Mike nodded and walked towards the ASL (Advanced Supersonic Lift) while Belisaky took her seat at the captain’s seat.
“Helm, where are we now?” Belisaky asked the ship’s helmsman, Sordiku Jason.
“We’re approximately 5 minutes away from Green Zone 1. Our original destination was for Dentor in the Golvora Republic,” Sordiku replied. “Should I alter course to Green Zone 1?”
“Yes, Sordiku, do it,” Belisaky ordered. “Maximum speed. We need to be there as soon as possible.”
As she sat on the captain’s chair, she pressed one of the buttons on the seat, which then displayed a range of readings using a hologram, displaying the ship’s readiness and also the surrounding spatial features. Green Zone 1 was indeed just 5 minutes away but there were no friendly warships nearby, and the nearest ones were all at Deep Space D-13, which was a 2-day trip away.
Sighing again, Belisaky turned off the hologram and walked off towards the ASL.
“James, you have the con,” Belisaky told him briefly before entering the ASL, which automatically slid shut behind her.
“Deck 14,” Belisaky said aloud. The lift’s voice recognition system instantly recognized the captain’s voice and began transporting her down to deck 14 where the conference room was at.
As the lift travelled down at lightning speed, Belisaky thought about the mission she was just assigned to. The UFES Lake Erie is a science ship, not an exploration ship. A typical UFE exploration or survey ship is equipped with far more powerful weapons and sensors than a usual science ship and carries more personnel, such as security teams and engineering teams. Sending Lake Erie for the task is a huge mistake, she thought. If Lake Erie encounters any hostile ships or hostile aliens on the surface of Green Zone 1, they would be screwed. The ship only has a couple of plasma cannons, along with 4 torpedo tubes, 2 forward and 2 aft and minimal countermeasures to trick any incoming torpedoes.
Woosh! The doors slid open, disrupting her train of thought.
“Damn it,” Belisaky muttered under her breath as she rushed out of the lift and headed down the corridor for the conference room. Officers and other crew greeted her as they passed and for a moment, Belisaky smiled to herself as she realized that she wasn’t the only one aboard the ship who was facing the dangers of space.
Space — many call this the final frontier, but Belisaky lost her dad while he was on a routine exploration mission like her now, in a very lightly-armed and under-equipped ship. While exploring the Dantor System, his ship was suddenly attacked by multiple warships used by the People Liberation Front (PLF), a militia organisation designated as a terrorist organisation by the United Federation of Earth, and was destroyed before any damage could be done to the PLF ships. Since then, she lived with her mother and her grandparents in San Francisco where she left high school at the age of 17 to enlist at the Earth Fleet Academy. 7 years from then, she found herself now, staring at a group of senior officers waiting eagerly in the conference room.
“At ease, everyone,” Belisaky told her officers as they stood up in attention and everyone quickly took their seats. “Just a couple of minutes ago, I had a videoconference with Admiral Yanice from D-13. We have been assigned to conduct Tier I and II surveys of the new planet Green Zone 1 which is just 5 minutes away from our current location. Our main objective is to explore the planet and verify if it has any form of intelligent life. With its geographical and strategic location just outside the Mervanda Corridor, Earth Fleet Command is planning to set up another outpost there to protect vital shipping lanes. However, we are a science vessel, with minimal weaponry but unfortunately, we are the nearest starship to Green Zone 1, so it is our job to do so.”
“But ma’am, Green Zone 1 is very near the United States of Socialist Republics (USSR), our mortal enemy. Command surely isn't too desperate to send us for exploration without sending another ship to assist us?” Shanice Hugh, the ship’s Second Officer (SO), second in command to the captain, protested.
“I’ve brought it up to the admiral, but the request was denied. They have too many assignments to complete and too few ships to spare. After the incidents of Sector 059 in Vector, 7th Fleet has been running low on ships, though the Earth Fleet Forces Command has promised to send us more ships but it’ll take a while,” Belisaky replied, much to the dismay of her officers.
“Maybe we should defect to the USSR and save ourselves the trouble of exploring Green Zone 1. That way we wouldn’t have to face the devil ourselves, right?” Philips Daring, the ship’s Chief of Tactical, asked.
“What the hell are you talking about, Philips? You wanna be tried for treason, don’t you?” Mike Tillerson, the ship’s First Officer, cut in while everyone else just stared at Philips.
“I was only trying to help, guys,” Philips replied innocently, much to the annoyance of Mike.
“Trying to help? You’re gonna get all of us tried for treason if you’re the captain,” Mike retorted.
“Alright, gentlemen, that’s enough!” Belisaky raised her voice, trying hard not to burst into laughter. Most of the officers aboard her ship were fresh recruits from the Earth Fleet Academy and all had not seen combat other than the incident in the Vector System.
“Captain, what about the survey? How are we going to conduct it? Based on what I’ve read about the initial data collected from the UFES Interstellar, there was some sort of interference blocking her sensors which prevented her from taking accurate data. Maybe some sort of atmospheric disturbance?” Roald Bernie, the Chief Engineer, stated.
“Interference with a ship's sensors can be caused by solar storms, by certain particles in the atmosphere of the planet or they could be done purposely by someone else,” Malcolmber Horowitz, the ship’s Golvorian Chief of Science, clarified.
“Are you implying that there's someone staying there who doesn't want us to know?” Daniel Dauntler, the ship's Chief of Security, asked. “The USSR?”
“It would be most unlikely, Daniel,” Belisaky shook her head. “The USSR has no stakes in this sector and only the Golvorians have been here in the last couple of months.”
“Golvorians don't have the ability to jam our sensors,” Malcolmber countered. “Even if they do, they are our friends, they won’t do such a thing to us.”
“I believe you, Malcolmber. But who could it be if it is not the Golvorians or the USSR?” Belisaky asked and the senior officers nodded.
“The PLF. They’ve been at war with us for the last few decades, and they are funded by the USSR. And the USSR does have the capability to jam our sensors. Moreover, this would be the most likely case because the USSR wouldn’t want to be directly involved in any incursions in the Mervanda Corridor,” Michael Taylor, the ship’s chief of communications, answered confidently.
“So does this mean we are dragged into a proxy war?" Belisaky asked aloud. "I can't believe we now have a lot of problems on our hands. Alright, I'm just going to lay out the plans of what we're going to do later. Firstly, we'll try our best to use our long-range sensors and deep-scan sensors to scan for any life signs or any other signs of advanced civilizations. If we can't, we'll then send an away team down to investigate. Also, if we encounter any PLF ships, we'll try to steer clear of them as much as possible and report them back to 7th Fleet. We can't afford to start another war on our own. Do all of you understand?"
“Yes ma'am!” the officers replied in unison, with seriousness written all over their faces.
“Good. Now, all of you return to your posts. We'll be reaching Green Zone 1 very soon,” Belisaky dismissed her officers and everyone left the room briskly to resume their posts on the bridge.
“Captain, I am not sure if it would be wise to send down an away team. We wouldn't know what's there waiting for us,” Mike told the captain as they all squeezed into the ASL to head to the bridge.
“We’ll have to. If we can’t get a clear scan of the planet using our own shipboard sensors, then we’ll have to go down,” Belisaky replied. “Unless we have an alternative.”
“What about recalibrating the sensors? Won’t that work?” Shanice asked.
“It’ll take forever to do that,” Roald shook his head. “I can try but it’ll take at least 2 days to recalibrate and it’ll only boost the sensors for a maximum of 10%. And it only works when there’s a mild disturbance. If it’s like an electrical storm or atmospheric disturbance, it wouldn’t work.”
“Alright, guys, we’ll save the discussion for later. Now, we’re reaching Green Zone 1,” Belisaky stopped the conversation just as the ASL reached the bridge and the doors hissed opened.
“Captain on the bridge!” James announced as he returned back to his post while the captain resumed her position on the captain’s chair.
“Helm, how long before we arrive at Green Zone 1?” Belisaky asked.
“Approximately 10 seconds, ma’am,” Sordiku answered while observing his readouts.
Then, all of a sudden, the ship stopped and dropped out of warp. The viewer screen revealed a planet that was almost completely green except for patches of blue over some areas, which represented water. It was stunning to see such a green and lively planet in the middle of dark, cold and dangerous space. Fortunately, there were no orbital platforms of any sort and the planet seemed uninhabited from space.
“James? Anything unusual about the planet?” Belisaky asked her conning officer, who was also responsible for operating the ship’s sensors from the bridge.
“I’m getting some electromagnetic interference with the sensors. Sensors are down to 40% effectiveness and… it seems like a normal planet to me. No lifesigns though, but lots of vegetation and water. It’s a habitable planet,” James read from his console. “Weird though that there’s no lifesigns but I managed to detect a village and a building that looks like a temple. And I can’t pinpoint the source of the interference. It seems to be coming from somewhere on the planet. Our ATS (Advanced Transport System) can't get through the interference so none of us can be teleported down.”
Surprised by the information, Belisaky tapped a button on the armrest of her chair and a hologram which displayed the same readings that James was seeing appeared in front of her.
“What the hell? What would there be on an uninhabited planet that will interfere with our sensors and ATS?” Belisaky exclaimed, before turning to her science officer behind her. “And why would there be a village and a building down there? Malcolmber, any theories?”
“One theory would be what we’ve discussed just now. PLF involvement, because they’re the ones who can jam our sensors and ATS. Another theory would be that an alien race is trying to prevent the discovery of their society using advanced jamming systems that will prevent us from discovering them,” Malcolmber suggested.
“Seems like pretty good theories to me,” Belisaky then turned to the conning officer again. “James, try the deep-scan sensor. Maybe it’ll have a better result.”
James attempted the scan again using the deep-scan sensor, and the results were displayed on Belisaky’s screen. But again, it showed the same reading as previously shown by the normal sensors. (Deep-scan sensors are sensors built-in aboard every UFE science ship that are calibrated to scan deep into a planet’s surface. It is used widely also on UFE combat ships as it can penetrate through a certain degree of shields and reveal what is concealed aboard a ship).
“Damn. It’s still the same reading. Alright, all senior officers, meet me in my ready room now,” Belisaky turned off the hologram in frustration and left her seat for her ready room while her officers trailed behind her.
“Give me suggestions. We need to find a way to crack the ice, or else we’ll waste our time here,” Belisaky told her officers as she sat down in front of the table.
“Based on our current information, something is interfering with our sensors. Even our deep-scan sensors aren’t operational. Without our sensors, we are basically blind — we can’t detect anything down there unless we go there ourselves,” Malcolmber concluded.
“And we can’t recalibrate the sensors. That won’t help since we can’t find out what’s the source of the jamming,” Roald added, folding his arms in annoyance. “I’m gonna have to sit this one out. There’s nothing I can do to trace the source of the jamming.”
“Malcolmber, any irregularities with our sensor readings? Like, any irregular patterns or some distortion in the readings?” Belisaky asked, while scrolling through the data logs of the ship via her data tablet.
“None so far, ma’am,” Malcolmber shook his head reluctantly. “Our sensors are working as per normal and we haven’t seen any irregularities so far, other than the few buildings that we’ve managed to see via sensors.”
“Wait, those buildings. What the hell are those? Why are they there on an uninhabited planet?” Belisaky asked aloud, while magnifying the image of the two structures captured by the ship’s cameras in her data tablet. The magnified image showed a structure that looked like a dilapidated temple while another looked like it’s part of an abandoned village.
“We have no idea of what’s going on, ma’am,” Mike said, placing his hands on the table. “It’s annoying when we have no idea what’s going on but I guess there’s a way out of this. We’ll have to send down an away team with pattern and sensor enhancers to boost the ATS signal and our sensors. They can also start exploring the place and see what our sensors can’t see. “
“That’s my plan, Mike,” Belisaky replied. “But before we do that, I need alternatives. We have no idea what the hell is down there. We could be sending our away team into a trap.”
“Captain, I concur with the XO (First Officer). There’s no other way we can scan the planet,” Shanice Hugh, the ship’s second officer, agreed with Mike. “We’ll have no choice but to send the away team.”
“Alright, then,” Belisaky sighed, her shoulders sagging. “Daniel, you’ll lead the away team. I’ll leave you to choose your away team officers, but do limit it to 7 people. We have no idea if anyone is down there or if someone hostile is down there. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, any idea of why we saw a temple and a village on the sensors?”
“It could be a hologram, ma’am,” Malcolmber answered while studying his tablet. “An image projected to deceive us. Since our sensors can’t effectively penetrate the atmosphere, we can’t confirm nor deny the fact that it could be a hologram.”
“Alright. I guess the best option we have now is to send the away team. Daniel, assemble your team and prep one shuttle with whatever equipment you need, including the pattern and sensor enhancers. Be careful, alright, because we have no idea who’s down there,” Belisaky nodded at Daniel. “You’re all dismissed. Back to your stations.”
The bridge officers stood up and quickly left the ready room but before Daniel could leave, Belisaky called him. “Daniel! Stay back for a while, I’ll need to talk to you for a while.”
“What’s the problem, ma’am?” Daniel sat down as the doors closed shut.
“We have no idea what’s down there, Daniel,” Belisaky placed both hands on the table and sighed. “I’ve got a hunch that it’s the PLF and if it’s them, I want you to get out of there fast. Once you touch down, immediately set up the pattern enhancers. If they’re down there and they’re watching you land, you will need emergency transport. I recommend that you get more security officers for this mission.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Daniel nodded. “Will do. We’ll also get our weapons ready before we touch down.”
“Very well,” Belisaky replied. “I wish you luck, Daniel. Dismissed.”
Daniel stood at attention and saluted the captain. Belisaky returned the gesture and watched as her Chief Security officer left the room.
I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing by sending them down there, Belisaky sighed as she turned around and stared out the window into space.
Over 7 years ago, when Belisaky was still studying at Earth Fleet Academy, she read about officers sending their crew down to unexplored planets for survey missions and they ended up dying since they didn’t know what was on the planets. On one exploration mission, a landing party was dispatched to the planet. However, upon landing, the landing party immediately came under attack by the Zeru'qs, a highly biologically advanced arthropodal species that are hostile to outsiders and would assimilate species that are less superior than them. In less than a minute, the shuttle was destroyed and the Zeru'q creatures poured into the shuttle craft and literally devoured the landing party alive. After that incident, the UFE largely avoided Zeru'q Territories for fear of encountering the same incident and placed warning beacons all around the Zeru'q Territories.
Belisaky shuddered as she recalled the memories and dismissed the thought that her crew might be entering an ambush. It won’t happen. Not under my watch. And with that, she returned back to her table and continued scanning through her data tablet, reading the data given by the ship’s sensors about the planet and gathering whatever information she could from the ship’s sensors. It’s going to be a very long week.
End of chapter
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Alright, here's my way of doing things.
I'll quote original text and throw in suggestions where they apply. Before absorbing too much of it.. I'm not a published author, editor or have any qualifications.
So, the beginning..
1455 hours shipboard time
“Yes, admiral, I understand,” Belisaky Maru, the Camarian Captain of the UFES (United Federation of Earth Ship) Lake Erie, nodded at the admiral.
Great start. There is one thing I don't like in stories… When there are acronyms used and the explanation immediately after them in brackets. It's just a personal thing, but maybe you could use the acronym, and then go on with the story (showing what happens, then tell some of the essential background for the character your POV is following. You could just use the source words.
the admiral warned with a stern look on her face.
Try.. The admiral warned, a stern expression on her (short description of) features.
“Good. In that case, will you excuse me, I have another conference to attend to,” the admiral excused herself and the videoconference was over in a flash.
First, an admiral would not ask a mere captain to 'excuse' him/her.. Even though I realize that you wanted to present the way she interacts with her subordinates..
After the dialogue.. Maybe try
The admiral (describe how she ends the video call.. Like press a button, tap area on the screen, voice command to AI on ship.) ending the video conference.
Sighing, Belisaky walked over to the mossembler (also known as the molecular assembler - a machine that can produce/recycle food, water, clothes, etc. using energy)
The part in the brackets should be just a regular part of the main text, as another bit of 'telling' essential information. Be sure to add some descriptions with it, you don't have to be specific with tiny details, just the general shape, size, etc.
in her ready room and grabbed the cup of coffee that she had already ordered earlier on before the videoconference.
Maybe try:
And grabbed the cup of coffee she had ordered prior to the video call.
Alternatively..
Picked up/out (of the machine) the coffee mug/cup with the steaming contents that she had the machine create just minutes/moments ago.
In between sips of coffee, she began reflecting on the many events that had happened in the last 2 days in the Hector System.
Try..
Between sips of the hot/cold liquid she reflected on events from the last two days in the Hector system.
These are just to serve as examples on cutting out unnecessary words...and a somewhat smoother reading.
Next up, I've noticed some tense inconsistencies further into the story.. Where you switch from past to present tense. Some word repetitions too, but these are easy to fix.
All that being said, I like the story.. Because there's a great deal of potential for all kinds of interesting twists and turns.
I'll have to admit I'm not big on Sci-fi, aside from Star Wars I've not read much in the genre.
But you've got a great start here.
The best advice I can offer is: don't worry about all these issues, just finish the first draft. Then, if you'd like, I could try and help with the first rewrite.
Hiya Broady! Otterpop here with a quick review! Noticed this has been in the Green Room for a bit so I thought I'd push it outta there!
Sci-fi, space operas, and related genres aren't always my go-to, but I do enjoy some exploration and new world material. The characters seem pretty well-written so far and the dialogue feels natural. Learning more about Belisaky was also interesting; learning this early on about some of her concerns and fears was a little surprising but without knowing the rest of the story I can't say for sure if that decision makes sense or not.
There is definitely a lot of technology and intellect regarding this ship and this crew, and it intrigues me to know if or how you intend to test them throughout this story. It's certainly a fun concept to think about. It already feels like there's a lot of intrigue surrounding Green Zone 1 and I would love to see just what it's like given what we know about it so far. Not only that but it still feels grounded and realistic, and I can appreciate taht.
One part of your writing style that was a little jarring was the constant use of acronyms. Or more accurately, the use of acronyms alongside explanations/descriptions. For something like a scientific report (and I am in the science industry so I am very familiar with them) acronyms and descriptions of them are quite normal, but in a fiction writing format it ruins the pacing a little, at least for me.
I do understand you have plenty of acronyms and names going around, there's nothing wrong with that! But part of what hooks a reader is the fact that they don't know everything right off the bat. Do I need to immediately know that the UFES is the United Federation of Earth Ship? Not really. That's an acronym explanation you could save for a later chapter as a reader could already infer that UFES Lake Erie is some kind of official space vessel and that's all a reader would need to know for now. Same with (for example) the sections related to Deep Space D-13 and talking about normal vs deep-scan sensors; these don't need to be explained in parentheses. That information is easier to convey in exposition or dialogue, and only when it serves a story or character purpose. It also may not be the best idea to convey all that information all at once in the beginning.
A big part of why I mention this is that as a reader the use of constant explanations and parentheses comes off a little jarring as it's not really a style that people like to read (continuous exposition in fiction can readily bore many readers). Not only that but it could lead to information overload, which is not something you want for a prologue or first chapter in any story. And, by explaining all the terms and acronyms upfront, you lose some of that interest and mystery that you want the reader to feel when starting a story.
Smaller note, the use of italics might also help as there were some sentences I had to read again to figure out if it was Belisaky's inner dialogue and not simply description or exposition, so something else to think about.
That said I see a lot of solid characters and story so far, and there are still parts of it that do get me interested in seeing how Belisaky's character and crew will be challenged and what this new planet will be like. There are still a lot of unknowns and that is very important to a reader. I promise I am not trying to discourage you with my rather detailed feedback but I do hope that you find it useful especially if you are looking to write future chapters/sections of this story.
Anyways, hope you have a great rest of your day! Happy writing!
Hey, just here to leave a quick review.
Wow, you really like throwing us in the deep end here. I like that it's not completely unfamiliar where I am confused the entire chapter. Details roll out at a good pace and it's done well between a mix of dialogue and the thoughts Belisaky.
You have done an excellent job of making this feel like it's the real world these characters live in. There are small things like people Using acronyms instead of full names, using slang, etc, that make the characters feel like they have grown up in this world you've created.
The entire world feels like you took inspiration from books like the Expanse or Star Trek with the UFES and different warring factions like the PLF and USSR (The soviet union is back from the cold war apparently xD).
One thing I loved about this opening chapter was the attitudes of the recruits on Belisaky's crew. The fact that they are so disturbed at going down to Green Zone 1, they'd actually defect to the USSR (foreshadowing for Phillip?).
Then we get to the approach of Green Zone 1. One suggestion I do have is to take the paragraph about the Zer'uqs and place it before the approach. That way, there is way more tension you can build up from Belasaky's POV knowing she has to send her team down. There is still tension, but it kicked in too late once the matter was settled. But that's a nitpick, to be honest.
I am really enjoying this world you've thrown me into and look forward to more. Do feel free to tag me when you upload a second chapter as I am a forgetful man (unfortunately).
As always, thanks for the chapter and keep writing!
The Reaper sends his regards...
Hi VengefulReaper, thank you for taking the time to read my short story! There are several parts to it, so I'll be posting the next part soon! Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it and once again, thank you for reading!