Evening to dawn
Vivid moments are dying, yet
Everyone without you.
Rigid and scorned I’m waiting.
Lies did fall from your perfect lips, this
Assumption I will not forget.
Still you will not come.
Traitorous you have been to me.
I cannot wait till death, however
Never ending waiting is what this seems
Graying, I can only think you gave up on Everlasting.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Hey, shiney1 here
I love the fact that someone besides me likes to do acrostics, and can do so without those baby lines that seem to be used in them so often.
Still, you seem to be struggling with the entire thing on the whole. I agree with the above post, and the subject is a bit confusing. At first I thought you were going to talk about "everlasting" itself, but then it becomes more clear you are talking about a person. But that is about all. Some of the lines are choppy and do not flow well with the others, and the meanings and the direct object to which the feeling or action are being pointed at are not always as clear as they ought to be.
I'm sorry but this just does not make much sense to me, an outside reader. I then expect to find out who exactly this "you" is, but...
Again, this line does not really help build on that last ones, but just adds more information for the reader to remember. If the front of your poem is not clear, it is harder for the rest of it to be unless you go deeper into the first part.
That last line brings the subject back into focus, which is good, but it is done much too late in the poem. I think, for an acrostic, it is better to talk about or describe the hidden word, or elaborate on it instead of forgetting it completely, if you get what I mean.
Well, that is it from me. Keep working on this one, the subject is very versatile and I am sure you can make it better!
I can see what you were trying to do, but I didn't really understand it too well. It wasn't very clear, I'll try and clarify:
I'm sure it means something very lovely though! I'm sorry if I was no help.