When the curtains are drawn
And darkness of the night is gone
you open your eyes,
Unaware of the worries in your life.
Creeping from the bed to the window pane,
The light of the sun makes you forget your pain.
And when life makes you mad,
The shine reminds you that good things will come to make you glad.
Then it tells you to have patience and hold on,
Because there will be someone by you and you will find presence of dawn.
As when the sun shines,it shines with all its might.
Birds sing with joy and the universe fills with light.
Because everyone knows, you don't live twice,
So live every moment because in the end your life is going to end up nice.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey there!
Your bestie's here to review your work.
So first the theme:
Well I already know that you are a really deep person. But seriously this is awesome!
Your poem rhymes, but in places it sounds you know sort of forced.
When I first posted my poem here some one adviced me that poem doesn't really need to rhyme always. It need to have a meaning and should flow.
Yes your poem definitely has a wonderful meaning and yeah it flows but there is always scope for improvement. right?
I loved the message you conveyed through this poem. I mean who knows when our life will end or when if we'll see the next day's Sun or not. So why not live in the moment.
"The shine reminds you that good things will come to make you glad." here if you split the line it would be better.
Yeah you surely need loads and loads of improvement. And yeah I'll be there if you need any help( and yeah I din't say that cause you can easily kick my ass but because I'll surely be there)
Overall I loved your poem. The starting was really interesting and the end was peaceful.
Great job!keep it up! And never quit writing,
With all my love and then some more,
Fangirl~
thanks bestie!! we will improve together!
yeah! sure we will.
Hi, Oho! I am really glad to be able to leave a review for your work. I hope that it really helps you.
First, I will say something about the title. It's really a good one. It has a deep meaning hidden inside it which goes well with the theme of your poetry. And really a title which is able to draw my attention. Then the theme of your story. Well, it's a nice one. Actually, a sweetly realistic one. You have portrayed a very true and important thing using such simple metaphors. It's really a good thing to do. Well done, my new frnd!
Now, the nitpickings.
First, you have used the word "the" a lot. There are some places where you didn't really have to use it. You could have left it out. Like in the 2nd sentence- you can just say-
Cus with the two "The", it feels like a long line.
Unaware needs a preposition and it's of, not about.
Why and how "insane"? In the next lines, you say that, the shine or the light reminds you that you will be glad when good things will come. So, the light of the sun is actually making you "sane". Then I think, the word "insane" isn't right here. You should use another word, that has the meaning of both 'sane', 'happy', 'calm' and something like this.
Well, it's not really a problem, but, it's something bothering me a bit. So, I wanna mention it.
Coming right after the description of your waking up and going to the window, the first line kinda felt like out of the blue to me. Most probably because of the way it's written. They writing style, which includes words and sentence structure, of both of these two sentences seemed to be "not so good" to me. These two lines are really important. And they actually take the reader to the main point of the poetry. So, they must be straightforward, clear and good. I think, you should re-structure the sentences.Specially, the second one. Cus it's too long. It doesn't go along well with the other lines for its length.
Same goes for the next lines-
These are important,too. And, you have to write them using different and better words and a better sentence structure. And, shorten the next line a bit.
I love these two lines and can't really do any criticism about them.
However-
And for the last two lines, i have the same thing to say- re-structure them, use better words and make the last line a bit short.
Overall, the poem was really good. Well, we all start from a point and that point is the one where we are the weakest. I think, you have got a good start here.So, keep it on. Try more and more. If you need any sort of help, I am here, PM me, I will try my best to reach you. And,never be disheartened. For we all writers come from the worst and then become great. Even I used to give bad reviews at first, but, now , after practicing and practicing, I have become quite good at it. So, best of luck!
Hii taha! Thanks your review!
I am surely going to improve. Cause for this reasom am i here!
Hii taha! Thanks your review!
I am surely going to improve. Cause for this reasom am i here!
You are welcome.
And, sorry, I think, something was wrong with the pc or the network. My review was multiposted. :/
Hi there, it's mcleo1 here for a review
Onto some mistakes,
"Forgetting all about your worries and lies." This line isn't bad, but I suggest removing about because it is unnecessary and without it the line is smoother.
Well the rhyming is alright, it's nice even but some words are a bit basic such as bad or sad.
Most of your words rhyme at the end of each line,
"Then it tells you to have patience and hold on,
Because there's someone by you and you are not alone." But "on" and "alone" don't rhyme and neither do "twice" or "wise" in the last two lines. And in the first line I'd suggest adding another line to rhyme with drawn.
Overall, I really like it but there's no real point to it. Well I assume, I can't figure out what the main point of the poem. But I do like it and it is a very nice piece. I can't wait to read more of your work. Good luck.
Thanku mcleo1!! And i am surely gonna stick with your suggestions!%uD83D%uDE01
Hello!
Welcome to YWS.
I like the sense you have here. It, much like the title of the poem, seems to be a new sunrise. I've read some poems about the topic you've chosen, dealing with the sun and all, and each one is completely different from the last. In fact, they each have a different theme or feeling to it. You seemed to use the sun as memories of loved ones that are forgotten. Another thing I liked about your poem is the rhyming style. In my personal opinion, when you add a rhyming scheme it adds a nice little feeling. ^^
Yet, I feel you could've expanded over this. Like removing some words and explaining what the feeling you were feeling when you wrote this. It seems to drag on until the very middle- I think it should have a more secure feel around it. Like, a thin rope. You can continue to add some more ropes to it, which will then make it stronger. Also I've been told that shorter lines in a poem can create a more "poetic" feeling. However, you can do whatever you want for writing your poem.
Overall, this was a nice piece of work. I hope to read more of your work in your times of being on here.
Steggy
Thanks steggy foy your review. I am gonna edit this taking help from your suggestions!