Young Writers Society

Ah! Finally!

It looks like your computer swallowed up the words again, most likely because it's on overtype mode. Overtype is your enemy; turn it off. For example, just because overtype was on, this sentence doesn't make any sense:

“Guess what, Nerida, Dad said I can go on the muster, and I get to ride o!”

Unless "ride o" is a word, that is. I don't think it is though, and, if it's meant that way... well... we Americans tend to be very very stupid and want foreign expressions explained to us simply.

Because that one sentence is like that, I have no idea what's going on. I have a feeling it's in Australia though, mostly because of this opening:

The sun is rising, shining all its glory on the old homestead, which stands between two old gum trees. A kookaburra sings his greeting to the morning, waking one of the occupants of the house.

Now, normally I wouldn't mind such a sentence, but in this case, it reminds me of a song which goes like,

Kookaburra sits in the old pine tree
Eating all the gumdrops he can see.

Yep. Because of that song, I would advise revising the opening. What can I say? That song is a children's song, and it gives your writing the impression of being as simplistic as that.

Now, you're probably going, "YOU WANT ME TO CHANGE MY OPENING? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD I'VE WORKED TO GET IT THERE?"

Ah... I can sympathize with you there. I have so many beginnings to each one of my story that it's not funny. For instance, you've read "FREAK." I know, you thought it was boring, yada, yada, but! That stupid first chapter has gone through at least thirty revisions to get to where it is. THIRTY REVISIONS! And that's the whole document, not just the first paragraph. The first paragraph is... gawd. It took a lot of work. It's a wonder why I'm not insane because of the whole thing.

So, why is the opening so important?

Because that's what the first impression of the story is. It's like... seeing a girl in a fresh pink dress and see a girl in punk rocker clothing. Neither of the types of clothes are bad, but what you perceive of the girl is totally different. When you talk to the girl, you might fine out something different, but until then, this is your first impression.

Same thing with a story. I have read a lot of work. In just one chapter, I can usually tell how experienced of a writer you are. If I see something that makes me doubt the writer's authority, then I put the story down. Now, what makes me doubt the writer's authority? Too many descriptions and adverbs, meaningless dialogue, and horribly drawn out characters. The first chapter makes or breaks you.

So how do you get your opening to be snazzy?

First of all, what kind of story is this? What information do you want to give out quickly? What does the reader need to know about this story in order to understand it? What is a catchy scene? Can you put a description in that the reader cannot ignore?

For example, you have the sunset. But what if you started at the breakfast table? Or somewhere else?

If you're having trouble with the opening, put it in different settings. And, even if you aren't having trouble with the opening, if someone tells you it's awkward, then, for goodness sake, change it! For example, in my lovely story "FREAK" dozens of people at first told me that the beginning sucked and I needed to start inside the orphanage. I thought they were wrong. Finally, guess what I ended up doing? Starting at the orphanage. LOL.

There's many ways to catch a reader's attention. Try again and again until the reader can't help but put it down.

Now! For the dialogue.

I know, I know, I keep on annoying everyone about this. Dialogue is one of the most crucial parts of a story. It reveals who a character is and can work wonders for you.

Or not.

Now, when I was younger, I was watching "Auntie Mame." It's a strange movie about a boy's coming of age with his zany aunt. Anyway, in it Auntie Mame is playing in the theater. She only has one line... but she decides to "embellish" it with more words, until finally she is thrown out of the set. When Auntie Mame mentioned how she just wanted to make her part seem better, my grandma noted that already, the character Auntie Mame played was already important. Otherwise, why would they have that character in the story?

This got me thinking, what if every dialogue piece meant something? I do not mean that the characters have to speak like Shakespeare's characters, nor does this mean that you can't experiment with dialects, but at the same time, if there was always some substance underneath what they said, wouldn't it be something! So when I write something like this

He’s smart, funny, attractive – anything you want, he is.

I want the reader to think that, not only does this mean one thing, but it could have an underlying meaning in between it.

Whenever you have dialogue, make it mean something. If you can avoid the dialogue altogether, do it. Once more, this doesn't mean that you have a bunch of quiet characters. You imply that they're talking, but, if the dialogue is unimportant, don't write it.

I love silent movies. In fact, my favorite movie is "City Lights" which is a Chaplin film. Back in the day, there was not any sound (besides the soundtrack) and all the dialogue was implied. People were talking, but only when a crucial part of the story was talked about were there any subtitles.

Maybe I'm just a silent film buff, or maybe not. All I know is that, whenever you only say what needs to said, the story instantly becomes leaner and richer. I think it might help your story if the dialogue that you have spoken is trimmed to only the essentials. Which means you get to write less dialogue. Yay!

Little things? I prefer okay to ok. Also, your tenses get weird. Look into that.

So... there. Yay! Hopefully, that helps.

I'm not especially fond of it either. Right now it's really slow and pretty much nothing out of the ordinary. Also, I suggest a little work on your dialogue, because a lot of it didn't flow very well.

Such as:

“Ok, ok, that’s good, Chris, but do you really have to yell like that, and you could knock before you barge in too, come to think of it.”
“Sorry, I guess I got carried away.” Chris was just about to turn away, when Nerida had an alarming thought.
“You are riding at the back of the mob of course?”
“No, Dad said that I can ride on the left wing.”
“What! No! Dad, you can’t let him ride on the wing, because then I have to go at the back!”

Try: "Okay, okay, that's good and everything, Chris, but do you have to yell like that? And come to think of it, could you knock before you just barge in?"

Also, maybe you could tell me some more about what the brother and sister are doing while they're talking. Maybe Nerida has her hand on her hip and Chris is wearing torn jeans with his hands shoved in his back pockets. I dunno. Something.

At the end of the section I quoted, Nerida gripes to her Dad, but he's not even in the room! One more thing before my faulty memory kicks in and I forget... Please, please, PLEASE pick a tense! Present is fine, and so is past. But not both. Ya gotta choose.

Try reading your work like you're seeing it for the very first time; sometimes that helps me to get a new perspective on it.

Keep writing!

I don't really like this story, their wasn't really much of an intro to this. Always try to make the first paragraph grab your readers, your first paragraph, although well done, didn't grab me.
And also this:

The disturbed climbed sleepily out of bed, rested her elbows on the windowsill, and let the cool breeze wash the sleep from her head. She smiled as she idly watched the young foals and their mothers frisking in the horse paddocks.

This is confusing to me, when you said 'The disturbed' you didn't really give an explanation to what 'The disturbed' is, and then you say 'her' and it kind of came on me unexpected, maybe give more detail to what 'The disturbed' is exactly.

“Nerida!” Mrs Durham looked shocked at the thought of a stampede, as her father had been killed when he was thrown off a horse while chasing some cattle that had spooked during a storm.

This was also confusing because when you say 'as her father' I immeditly think of Nerida's Father. I don't know how you plan on writing this but if have Nerida as your main charecter
'Father' should mean Nerida father. Try saying it like this:

“Nerida!” Mrs Durham looked shocked at the thought of a stampede, as Mrs Durhams father had been killed when he was thrown off a horse while chasing some cattle that had spooked during a storm.

And I didn't really like how you called Nerida's mother and father 'Mrs Durham' and 'Mr Durham' it made me think that they were someone other then her parents.

“Guess what, Nerida, Dad said I can go on the muster, and I get to ride o!”

I think you ment "“Guess what, Nerida, Dad said I can go on the muster, and I get to ride with you!”
Maybe, but remember to fix that.
Anyway, I don't really like this story so far but maybe as you go along it will get better.