Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Ok everyone, I want to hear all about the dreams you have for your future…but they must be realistic”, Mr. Popandike instructed the bored year 5 class, rubbing his hands together, and leaning forward eagerly. His glasses fell forward onto his nose as he strained to see the kids at the back of the room.

The class stirred uneasily. No one could blame them, for the Master was tall and stately, and his scorn for day dreaming and wild schemes was infamous.

A few timid boys put up their hands, and stammered out something about ‘dairy farming,’ and ‘job in the city’.

“Hmph…” grunted the man, raising his eyebrows. Suddenly, another hand shot up, eagerly waving for attention. The Master nodded his assent

“Please Sir…I’d like to go to the moon in a spaceship!” the excited boy called out, not noticing the astonished and half envious glances he got.

The pacing man stopped as if he had hit a brick wall, and spun around

“What did you say?” he asked, advancing on the boy who was now bouncing in his seat

“Sir, I said I’d like to go to the moon!” he repeated, nodding enthusiastically. The whole class gasped together. The sound carried to the little boy, who didn’t realise it was meant to warn him. He took it as meaning they were as excited as he felt, so he just grinned back at them.

The Master strode to the boy’s desk, and pounded his fist on the brown surface.

“You heard me say the dreams have to be realistic!” he growled, his face going rather red. The boy’s eyes widened and he drew back slightly,

“But…sir…I was realistic. I could have said I wanted to go to Mars!”

Thankyou for your comments, stilltyping!

I'll work on that idea, about adding more lines...

I rather liked it. Liked that unassuming air, which amoung young writers is rare. See that you've avoided using that superiority complex, the one that involves so much knowledge-mongery, which can actually make a piece rude and unappealing. You've avoided that, and presented a clear, short description, that while simple, is enjoyable. Good job.
All I would recommend is a line or two more concerning the first few answers to the teacher's question. You mentioned some mumbled replies, but perhaps you could describe more, or in greater detail make clear the attitude that class bears on "dreams."

It seems to be lacking in something. Not sure what, though. It just feels very empty, like there is no point to it. I would definitely expand on it.

Thanks, Jennafina! I'll put some more up this week hopefully...

That was cute! It was kid-ish, but not poorly done at all. I'm interested to see what the teacher does to the poor kid with dreams, but it works as a short too.

I think Ok should be 'okay' or 'okey,' but that's just personal opinion.

The Black Rose wrote:You should really space out the paragraphs...

After the first sentence, you need a comma after realistic and the ".
Mr should have a . after it. Mr.

But this is the only time you mention his name, so you might as well just use the name or the Master.

This was cute.... lol.
Not something.... a 16 year old should write, but it was cute.
Nothing generally special but cute.

I liked it. You could leave it as is, or if you want to expand it then I think there's definately potential there.

*is excited because it feels like for the first time in my life I have a suggestion*
One (minor) thing I think you should change about this piece, is that you should state the age group of the class that is featured. I'd say do it at the beginning, so you have something like this:

“Ok everyone, I want to hear all about the dreams you have for your future…but they must be realistic” Mr Popandike instructed the class of second graders(for example), rubbing his hands together, and leaning forward eagerly.

It's a really minor thing, but I think it sets the piece up and clarifies it a bit. You'd probably do well to use an adjective in my addition, making them a class of _____ second graders.

Anyway, I like what you have here. Continue it or don't, in the spirit of neutrality.

Great work.

intresting i liked it especially this bit

Hmph…” grunted the man, raising his eyebrows. Suddenly, another hand shot up, eagerly waving for attention. The Master nodded his assent

that i liked it alot well done :thumb:

Everyone has pretty much said whatever there's left to critique. But I think you should continue this. It's up to you whether it's a short story or a chapter story.

I liked it. You could leave it as is, or if you want to expand it then I think there's definately potential there.

*is excited because it feels like for the first time in my life I have a suggestion*
One (minor) thing I think you should change about this piece, is that you should state the age group of the class that is featured. I'd say do it at the beginning, so you have something like this:

“Ok everyone, I want to hear all about the dreams you have for your future…but they must be realistic” Mr Popandike instructed the class of second graders(for example), rubbing his hands together, and leaning forward eagerly.

It's a really minor thing, but I think it sets the piece up and clarifies it a bit. You'd probably do well to use an adjective in my addition, making them a class of _____ second graders.

Anyway, I like what you have here. Continue it or don't, in the spirit of neutrality.

Great work.


Side Note: It has taken me over a year, but I finally have 150 posts.

You should really space out the paragraphs...

After the first sentence, you need a comma after realistic and the ".
Mr should have a . after it. Mr.

But this is the only time you mention his name, so you might as well just use the name or the Master.

This was cute.... lol.
Not something.... a 16 year old should write, but it was cute.
Nothing generally special but cute.