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139,831 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey! Kazey here for a review!
I really love this poem. It reminds me of a couple in the '20s, sitting by a fire in the vintage living room. It's really romantic and yet so simple and elegant, truly a beautiful piece. I especially love the ending, where you talk about the simplicity of the subject person, as you can see this simplicity emulated in the poem. However, all this does not mean the poem is free from problems. No poem is free from problems, albeit the ones in this poem are minor.
It is my belief that the fourth and fifth lines should end in a full stop, or some other punctuation. this may have been intentional, but to me the stanza feels unfinished without it.
That is literally the only problem I had with the poem, although I suppose there isn't really too much room for grammatical error in a poem of this size. Anyhow, thank you for sharing your beautiful poetry with the world, it is greatly appreciated.
~Kazey
Thank you for the review! I appreciate it very much. At first I thought adding punctuation (such as a period) on the fourth or fifth lines would cause it to be too "abrupt". But now I see what it looks like, and I agree with you. Thanks again for your review.
Hello @BlueSunset,
There was a simplicity to this poem that I loved. You write with an elegance that is reminiscent of an older world. Delightful to read.
"your eyes flutter across the canvas;
it dawns on me the creativity you possess ...
quite a rare delicacy, causing jealousy from both inside and out"
I was attracted to the use of all lowercase; it feels spontaneous, unpretentious, and fluid.
"watching you draw with fragile, petite hands that i don't have
i smile, proudly"
Perfect punctuation here. I felt each pause like a breath. I also enjoyed your imagery; I also watch people's fingers as they sketch and end up feeling like I have sausages on the ends of my hands.
"yet still : the emotion confuses my body within"
This is the only part of the piece that tripped me up slightly. I'm not sure what 'confuses my body within' means. Could there be a clearer way to say this? Is this an emotional reaction? A contemplative reaction? Or, given that it confuses the 'body' within, a lustful reaction? Also, did you intentionally add an extra space around the colon?
"i cannot tell what it is about you,
but whatever it may be,
beneath all that covers the truth,
it's perfect.
it's you."
A neat and sweet ending, in my opinion.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, BlueSunset. Excellent work! If I can help you with anything, please feel free to drop me a PM.
Write On,
-mav
Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com
Thank you so much for the review.