A Work In Progress - (Screenplay) • Young Writers Society

A Work In Progress - (Screenplay)

by Blogger101

Remembrance of Friends

Screenplay by

Namara R. Epp

February 18th, 2016

FADE IN:

EXT. UNDECIDED - NIGHT

A path leading to a backyard. JESSE and HALEY have backs turned to us. Walking along. We hear the BANG of a SHOVEL hitting the ground. JESSE drops the SHOVEL. We see a BOX in HALEY’S hands.

JESSE

I think this is a good place.

He hits the frozen ground with the shovel

HALEY

How can you be sure?

JESSE

I’m not, but what’s a little adventure? Besides don’t you remember?

HALEY

What do you mean?

JESSE

You don’t.

HALEY

Remember what?

JESSE

This was where we played after we met on our first day of school.

HALEY

(re: school)

Now I remember. You got stuck in that tree over there. She points. It feels like another lifetime ago.

JESSE

It does, doesn’t it? Well then, this is the perfect place. I guess I’ll start digging. Do you have everything?

HALEY

I think so. Are you sure we’re not going to get caught?

JESSE

Have a little faith in me won’t you?

HALEY

Faith? I have faith in you… I think. However, this is public property, and you know what will happen when we get caught don’t you?

JESSE

We won’t. Besides if we do, I’ll say it was all my fault and I forced you to come with me.

HALEY

You better.

JESSE

You’re supposed to say “I can’t let you do that Jesse!” He says while holding a shovel.

HALEY

I missed the memo, sorry.

A SHOVEL is dropped on the ground and Jesse breathes heavily

HALEY

We don’t have to do this you know? We can go somewhere else; this ground is frozen.

Jesse begins to collect his thoughts and stands up right.

JESSE

It’s okay now. All we have left is to bury this –

Wait – what time is time?

HALEY

(Checks phone)

Quarter to twelve, why?

JESSE

I think JENNA said that the videos would be taken down at 12:30

HALEY

You mean, we won’t have to see them ever again?

JESSE

I think that’s what it means

HALEY

I don’t know how they ever got leaked in the first place.

JESSE

I do. We made videos of what we hoped for in the future, we said things that were naive and hopeful and people like to take advantage of those types of things.

HALEY

You know what the one good thing that came out of it though was?

JESSE

What was that?

HALEY

I finally got to understand why baseball is so important to you. I never really understood it before

JESSE

Well now you know. Now everyone knows.

HALEY

I brought a file of the videos we made. I know this time capsule was supposed to replace the videos but I thought there was no harm in putting them in here. Letting go of the fear we let consume us.

JESSE

It wasn’t so much fear for me.

HALEY

What was it?

JESSE

It was the realization that baseball is all I’m backing my future on. I don’t have anything else to fall back on. I let my dream take over any security. I don’t even have anytime left to create something more.

HALEY

That’s not true. I have seen you tutoring, you’re a great teacher, maybe that’s what the world is calling you to do after you’re done baseball.

JESSE

Or maybe it’s telling me my best friend is a very positive person

HALEY

As your best friend it’s my job to tell you when you’re being completely insane, and you are. Look- of course it’s going to take some work, a lot of it, but if you really want it, you can have it with time. Seriously, listen to me, I’m smart remember.

JESSE

I think you just gave me the inspiration I needed. Thanks “Hay bales”

HALEY

You really need to stop calling me that.

CD’s are dropped into a box that is full of pictures and childhood monuments

JESSE

Wait -- you want to put these in?

JESSE holds up a pair of blue trimmed Denim Patch Jeans

JESSE

You love these pants. I can honestly say this because I remember all the times you told me how “amazing they were.”

HALEY

Well I did love them, do you remember why?

JESSE

Because they were, “oh so cute”

Jesse makes a high squeal imitating HALEY

HALEY

(playfully hits him)

No loser. It was because I wore them the first time I played on stage. I thought they brought me luck, but it’s time that I let go of them.

JESSE

I probably would’ve looked better in them anyways

Abrupt laughter ensues.

HALEY

This is why we’re friends.

JESSE

I thought we were friends because you made me popular.

HALEY

As if. We’re friends because you made me popular.

JESSE

I guess we should hurry up

HALEY

There is six things left

JESSE

Six? Wait, make that seven

Jesse pulls out a sheet of paper folded discreetly

EXT – BACKYARD – SAME DAY

HALEY

What’s that?

JESSE

It’s for me to know and you to find out never.

HALEY

You can’t do that.

JESSE

Yes, I can. In ten years you can know what this is, but not until then.

HALEY

Okay if you didn’t want me to see it why didn’t you stick it in without me knowing? You’re a tease.

JESSE

Guilty.

HALEY

Loser.

JESSE

You’re so mean to me.

HALEY

You deserve it, most of the time. Okay can you at least give me a hint as to what it is?

JESSE

It’s never a hint. It’s 21 questions until you find out what it is. Sorry, you’ll just have to wait.

HALEY

Fine. I’m not a child. I’m not going to whine or beg, I can accept that.

(Pause)

HALEY [CON’T]

I can’t wait ten years! Tell me now, please!

JESSE

(changes subject)

So…what’s next?

HALEY

(re: paper, glares intently at the notice subject change. Looks to have given up)

We have a copy of our year book.

JESSE

I have a music playlist; you never know what kind of music will exist ten years from now.

HALEY

Agreed.

A loud BANG echoes in the distance

JESSE

(jumps)

What was that?

HALEY

We need to hurry.

JESSE

Okay here.

Jesse tosses a NOVEL titled the Probability of Miracles

HALEY

She shifts from foot to foot. Confused.

Almost done.

(beat)

(re: book) What else don’t I know about you?

(beat)

SECURITY GUARD with a flashlight is seen in the distance.

SECURITY GUARD (O.S)

Who’s there?

Haley drops her guitar pick in the box. They begin to place things in their box in a rhythmic pattern.

JESSE

My Baseball glove.

HALEY

More pictures.

They finish and close the box.

JESSE

I’m going to cover this, run.

HALEY

We need to get out of here. There’s no time.

JESSE

There would be, if you would just run.

HALEY

If anything happens call me. Please hurry.

Haley runs off and the Security Guard is getting near.

BACK TO SCENE

SECURITY GUARD

You’re not supposed to be here. I’ll give you a fair warning but if you’re not gone soon I will have to call somebody who won’t be nearly as fair as I am being.

Jesse finishes and runs out of the [UNDECIDED PLACE] Once he makes it past the fence he calls Haley.

JESSE

Well I made it.

HALEY (O.S.)

I thought you might.

JESSE

I’m not sure how, but I think I had the epiphany I needed.

HALEY

Which was?

JESSE

That I actually am insane, I think I’m going to listen to you for once.

HALEY

I’m glad to see you’ve come to your senses. However, in what way?

JESSE

Well I was thinking maybe I’m going to look at coaching a Baseball team, but I need a favor from you first?

HALEY

Which is?

JESSE

You need to start playing guitar again.

HALEY

Okay this just proves your insanity.

JESSE

If you can do that for me, I can tell you what I wrote on that sheet of paper.

HALEY

Tell you what, I’ll do some more performing but I cannot spend too much time on it because it’s not my dream, despite what you might think. My dream is actually to go to school and work towards a degree in journalism. Music was always a hobby of mine; I gave it up not because I’m scared to fail but because I have more to offer the world.

JESSE

All this time you never told me.

HALEY

That’s because you went out of your way to try and convince me it was my dream. You didn’t believe me otherwise. Thank you though.

JESSE

(re: paper)

Well you’re not seeing that paper now. I’m making it twenty years.

HALEY

I guess I deserve that. So where are you?

JESSE

I’m on my way home

HALEY

Okay, I’ll talk to you later, but before I go, your “paper”, I kind of snuck a peak of it and I think you’re A) A really horrible friend B) Are going to face ten years of revenge for almost making me wait a decade for a blank piece of paper. What did that even mean?

JESSE

You should have waited—but I’ll tell you. The blank piece of paper represents our “blank canvas” meaning life, but you’re “so smart” so of course you knew that. (He mocks) I put it in so that in ten years you could have opened it and saw how much you painted, of course not literally, but are you following?

HALEY

I think so.

JESSE

Good. Because although what I said is true, I did just throw it in it to mess with you. Have a good night.

HALEY

Goes to speak, but he hangs up.

Comments

Points: 2839
Reviews: 28

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Thu Jul 07, 2016 12:19 pm

nwakaemechinonso12 wrote a review...

My friend you did a great job and i will like to commend your effort and creativity - it shows you have passion for writing.

Scriptwriting is my field of study, i taught it for three years and i have written screenplays that has been acted. i think your script can make a billion dollars for you, if only you can implement what i would be reviewing with you.

though, you write a short script but the three act structure is missing in your work which is not suppose to be.

The three-act structure is a model used in screenwriting that divides a fictional narrative into three parts, often called the Setup, the Confrontation and the Resolution.

The first act is usually used for exposition, to establish the main characters, their relationships and the world they live in.

The second act, also referred to as "rising action", typically depicts the protagonist's attempt to resolve the problem initiated by the first turning point, only to find him- or herself in ever worsening situations. Part of the reason protagonists seem unable to resolve their problems is because they do not yet have the skills to deal with the forces of antagonism that confront them.

The third act features the resolution of the story and its subplots. The climax is the scene or sequence in which the main tensions of the story are brought to their most intense point and the dramatic question answered, leaving the protagonist and other characters with a new sense of who they really are.

(apply the three act structure in your next writing)

Secondly, you did not engage the readers with your dialogue. a script dialogue is the heart of story telling and script management.

work on your writing.

Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

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Sat Feb 20, 2016 4:15 pm

HolographicLadybug wrote a review...

Yes!!!! A script!!!!! Hardly anyone publishes them! :elephant:

First thing I want to cover: actions. It may be a bit different because this is a film script and I am used to play scripts, but I would imagine that it is somewhat the same to avoid confusion. What you should do is put any actions (not the dialogue) in italics. It is really hard sometimes to figure out if a character is talking or not. After all, how are we supposed to tell the difference between dialogue and actions when they are not indicated? It's like not indicating dialogue between parenthesis in short stories, memoirs, novels, etc.

You’re supposed to say “I can’t let you do that Jesse!” He says while holding a shovel.

Here, you used 'he says', while that sentence is an action, preceding dialogue. In scripts, you don't need to use 'he says' because almost the whole thing is composed of dialogue. Instead, you can just say He holds up the shovel.

I think JENNA said that the videos would be taken down at 12:30

You forgot to end the sentence with a period.
I get why you're doing this (uppercasing the whole of Jenna's name) for actions, but you probably shouldn't do this for dialogue because it looks like he's yelling her name. Not capitalizing her whole name would fix this.

Spoiler! :

I actually found this kind of confusing. I feel like we should be getting a better glimpse of what the scenery/background looks like. It's a bit harder to do this for scripts, but if you put it right before you start the scene, we will understand what the area looks like. I get that you have "A path leading to a backyard" as the description (as well as "night"), but that doesn't really feel like enough. I'm not saying that you should go all purple-prose/Dickens, but just some sort of scenery would be helpful. The confusion thanks to this kicked in when they were running from the Security Guard and I had no idea where Jesse was. I had no idea that there was a fence and I didn't really know where it was. And why is there a security guard for a backyard? Description would really help.

Well, that's it from me! Just a few recommendations for you that could probably improve this. It's good; understand that I don't think that this is terrible or anything. Everything could use a helping hand or a bit of work. Anyway, never stop writing and if you have any questions, don't even hesitate to ask me! ^^
~Holographic Ladybug

Points: 844
Reviews: 93

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Fri Feb 19, 2016 3:50 am

klennon14 wrote a review...

Hi there! Here to review your screenplay. I don't know much about screenwriting. I wrote a play once in my high school creative writing class...but I do know I enjoy reading them.
I like the banter between Jesse and Haley. It's authentic and it's not too overdone. I enjoyed the part with the jeans they are burying- I started laughing out loud!
For the "undecided place" I think it would be fun to make it somewhere unexpected or totally random. Maybe an amusement park or some elite place or I don't know near a jail or something with a neat/clever backstory...just running off some ideas.
Oh my goodness, love the ending! I really didn't see that coming. The blank piece of paper was genius and comical. I like these snarky characters and their bickering and joking around.
I respectfully disagree with the reviewer below on one point: I think you made the right decision to bury the time capsule in one location and jump around locations a bit. It makes it more entertaining, at least in my opinion.
I think the characterization here is spot on, but I need a little more meat to the story I can sink my teeth into. I want to know more about these characters and exactly why baseball is so important to Jesse. If you add at least a few snippets into this section of concrete background info- I'm especially interested in Jesse and his interest in baseball- then I think you'll be on your way with this screenplay!
Overall, I enjoyed reading this!

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Blogger101 says...

Thank you so much. There have been so many times where I just wanted to scrap this whole idea because it wasn't working. However, I'm beginning to think it can with a little bit a work, and I just wanted to thank you for that.

klennon14 says...

Glad I could help. And a word of advice: when you want to give up, that means it's something worth working on. When a piece is challenging, that means your putting in the effort to make it a masterpiece and make it clever, so keep going! I really like this piece, and I think with a little fine-tuning it will be awesome.

Points: 274
Reviews: 15

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Fri Feb 19, 2016 12:24 am

moonpolice wrote a review...

I'm a former drama kid, and I have read a lot of screenplays, and I have just been waiting for one to come along so that I could review it. I don't want to be too critical because I want you to keep writing, but there are some basic structural errors that need to be addressed. I'm going to number them just so that both you and I can keep them in order.
1. I think that your biggest problem right now is that you've tried too hard is to write this as prose rather than write it as something to act out. In a lot of places, you've just written words. Something that a lot of first time playwrights and screenwriters forget is that you have to write in directions for the actors, and that includes how they say their lines, what they do while saying their lines, and how they react to what other characters are saying. Otherwise, it's just two people, standing in the middle of nowhere, talking out into the void, and that's weird and confusing for everyone involved. You also have to make sure that every actor who ever plays any of these roles knows exactly what to do. For example, instead of saying JESSE (re. book), you would say JESSE (looking back down at the book). I know that it takes more time to write out, but it makes sure that there is never any confusion.
2. Props don't have to be capitalized. You only have to do that with names.
3. I know that you've put "undecided" in for locations, and maybe this is just a personal preference, but it would flow a lot more easily if you decided on one set location.
4. Actions should be in parenthesis. A good example of this would be (HALEY starts to speak, but JESSE hangs up)
I probably have more, but I'm starting to lose my train of thought. I just want to finish this up by saying that even though this needs work, you shouldn't stop working on it. It's intriguing, and I want to know what happens next.
All the best,
moonpolice

Blogger101 says...

Thanks so much! I completely agree with you. I've just been stuck with not quite sure how to tighten things up, but thank you. This looks a bit different in word format of course but every little suggestion helps, thanks so much.

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A Work In Progress - (Screenplay)

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