butterface

Blinksey. Last time I reviewed something by you was... ? A poem? Some time ago? Anyway, when I saw this, I [s]screamed boobo and ran[/s] decided to come in.

And, well. This is great. I hope you know it, because it really is.

butterface—

a new life from your pod.

Use it well.

This is a rather good opening. However, my brain craves for "butterface" to be capitalized, although the rest of me is pretty sure you did that intentionally. Or at least hopes so. There's also the risky cliché of "new life", which is basically nothing unique – however, I like how you kind of go there, but not quite, and then pull yourself back, so it's not like we're left wallowing in the just-listen-to-your-heart-and-ride-to-sunset world or anything. (...? xD)

Slippery green train you were

among twigs and

broken

dying

carriages

all strung by the hairs on your wigs.

I like the train image muchly. Somehow the "among" strikes to me as a bit of a shortcut, because I just realised I use the word quite often in poetry/anything to sound cool, and that makes me automatically dislike the word – I need to try to get rid of it – and well, I don't know. Maybe it's a bit cheap, in search of a better word? I'm really sorry, but I can't explain it as well as I wanted to. I hope you know what I mean, even sort of, or then just... pretend you do. (Or ask me later after I've had time to figure myself out.)

The "broken dying carriages" doesn't really impress me, even though I get what you're aiming for. It sounds a bit awkward, and reminds me too much of my early stories where I described someone having "long pretty curly blonde hair". I think the image works, but the words don't. You know – good idea, bad execution.

Also. The hairs on your wigs. I don't get why you're saying wigs in plural, and I'm really disappointed if you did that because of the "twigs" a few lines earlier. Well, I do realise it sounds a lot better than just "wig", but it doesn't make as much sense. And although twigs and wigs sound cute together, it might bring in some variety and savour if you had twigs and wig instead. It's kind of obvious to have "wigs", but I personally think you need to kill the obvious in poetry. I like to be surprised. =)

Cocoon in limbo dangling a corpse down

a pod of all

a hopeful sod

in wires all bubbling around your test tube.

The first line = boobolove. Seriously. I love it. "A pod of all" I don't love so much, because I think you're starting to slip into the clichéed side again. With the fourth line, I couldn't help wondering whether it was a bit too wordy, but I think it's fine. The test tube thing is slightly coarse, but I like the whole aspect of bubbling wires.

(A second. Black lips release you in a

b-b-burst of potential,

could be anything—)

This part is both yay and nay. I don't really like the "black lips" thing, because even though I have a feeling of what they are, the way to bring it up doesn't completely make sense... I'm guessing you mean "black" and not black, which is all good, but the thought of it confuses me a bit. I mean, if you mean the kind of black I'm thinking of, why not say it any other way, because there are choices... and now I'm wondering whether you will actually understand anything of what I say. (What I'm thinking of is that synonyms for the black in this case would be severe, or harsh... am I even touching the right direction?)

Then the b-b-burst of potential. Again, I like the image a lot, but – please excuse me – I despise the execution. Haha, it reminds me too much of c-c-combo breaker, and I don't think it fits in the poem at all. It seems abrupt, whereas the thing I suspect you're reaching for should be flowy and smooth... and a bit... flickery? Am I on the right track?

The ending of the part I love, because even though it disappears in nothingness before it finishes, it sounds good and fits the poem in that sort of hopeful way and emphasizes the idea of – well, okay, fine – the new life.

Now fresh—

bottles of thunderclouds

a spine to hold you together

with the leftover sky right by

in two silk

winking

wings at my face

as if I were only waiting.

This is really pretty. I especially love the "leftover sky", I immediately thought when I read it that it was one of the best images in the poem. The "two silk" collides with my mind, even though it's pretty, but... there seems to be something wrong with it. Not only that technically it should be "silks", but something else that my subconsciousness hasn't delivered to me yet. I'll tell you if it ever will, and until that you might want to try figuring it out yourself.


Overall, I really enjoyed the poem and I think you did a great job in delivering the imagery and tying everything together. I didn't feel like there were any threads left untied. Your poetry's getting pretty good And I can almost promise to check out everything you post from now on.

Keep on.


Demsey
x

PS. When I started writing this review, they were discussing Gloria Tesch in chat.