I suck at poetry--that much is obvious. But I went to some poetry reading thing today and I was really inspired. Not sure what to make of this, but let me know your thoughts on it, eh?
Pebbles
The pebbles,
they click and cry
by the sea of sighs.
This fairytale,
and this me,
this chapped stone
below the sand below the sun.
This fairytale in which the sighs
break.
The waves
stop.
The erosion batters into itself like
fire. Fighting fire.
Someone has grabbed the blue water,
cast it into the sky—and!
There I see the sea, a watcher,
flinging red velvets at sunset.
And I, the hidden pebble,
betrothed to the bed
of the sea,
the newest desert.
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This poem's quite old, and I'm not really working on it anymore. But thank you for your thoughts. Very appreciated.
But I think I'll lock this to avoid people spending too much time on my old poems.
The imagery of this poem was great! I loved the use of the ocean in this poem.
I rated!
Ok, so you have a good rythym. You used the adjetives well in this poem.
"The erosion batters into itself like
fire. Fighting fire."
This part I really like. (Fave)
OK, :
"This fairytale,
and this me,
this chapped stone
below the sand below the sun."
I don't think it's a great idea to put the same words in the same line. Well, you know there are a bunch of advanced critiques on YWS and I don't know what they'd say. It's OK. You could maybe just use a synonym in place for one of the "belows".
I love the last line.
You did a neat job on this piece! You should definitely keep on writing more!!
Ps.ha thanks for the drumming monkey, He's so hot, lol.
~Skyy.
This is excellent! It was very descriptive, it painted a picture in my mind. You should really try writing more poetry! my favorite stanza and what got me interested was the first stanza. It brought me into your poem. Again, great job! you really should think about writing more!
Haha, thanks Hannah!
With the sea in the sky bit, it was meant to be a fairly odd comparison between the blue in the sky and sea, but you know, great to know your interpretation!
Thanks again =)
I'd say, Blink, that this is fabulous. I mean, granted, it doesn't have much of a moving message, but the description and imagery is beautiful and majestic. It's especially great because not only do you describe a sea shore as we might all know it, but you go further into events that could never actually happen -- the sea going up into the sky! It's beautiful, and that just adds a dimension of intrigue.
My favorite stanzas were the beginning and ending ones!
I really like the small rhyme here and the way that the last two lines have the same kind of meter, like the descriptions are meant to go together. It's beautiful to start the poem with such imagery too -- pebbles that click and cry {from being moved by the breakers or of their own accord?} and the sea of sighs {What kind of sea sighs? Is it a sad sea, or does it really sigh?}. These questions that might be raise, and the maintenance of the ambiguity makes this a beautiful part of the poem! -thumbs up-
I really love this as well, for it solidifies your connection to the poem. <3 I think, /maybe/ you might want to slip 'was' in before 'betrothed' because there's not a verb in that sentence.
It's really great, Blink! Keep up the good work and try some more!
-Hannah-