Rewrite:
zomg im lonely lulz hahaha
i need to look outside
where there are nymphs attacking my walls
i lied. there are none.
bon bon
****
And here is the original...
Hi! So, I sort of wrote this on the spur of the moment, it's very tacky and the first real poem I've written. Thanks for reading, comments really appreciated!
******
I whisper my words
through the cold paned glass.
No ear can hear them,
no voice replies.
I see men dressed
in the colour of blindness,
they ignore me,
I ignore them.
My hand presses
against the window
in the hope that someone,
somewhere,
in the sea of sighs,
will see me.
I guess – I always guess –
that all eyes will turn away
upon my appearance.
Then
after a few seconds I realise:
I hate being right.
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Original Text:
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,620 Reviews
Hi Blink!
Cool poem
The third line to this sound kind of awkward. I mean, the meaning is there, but it sounds funny. I don't know... I think maybe if you changed it to "No ear to hear them" it would sound better.
I especially liked this stanza:
Maybe it's not the most original image, but you can really see the narrator with their hand on the window and looking out and you can almost feel the narrator's longing to be noticed.
Another thing I liked about this part is the "in the sea of sighs" section. At first I really had no idea what that was supposed to mean and thought it was sort of unnecessary, but I think I do understand it now and how it flows with the rest of the stanza. I really think it helps with the overall mood of the poem and, again, the longing behind this.
One thing I do think is unnecessary, though, is the "somewhere" part. I know that usually after the word "someone" there's a "somewhere", but this stanza seems slightly cluttered to me, which is probably why I initially didn't see the meaning of "in the sea of sighs". I think this messes with the flow of the poem. To fix it, I'd say maybe omitting the "somewhere" part or the "in the sea of sighs" part. But really, I do like the way the "sea of sighs" part works, so I'd recommend keeping it and removing the "somewhere".
I also really liked this line:
I like how here it shows another part of the narrator's personality, where the narrator is always unsure about things. Again, it adds to the mood.
I think that some of the concepts and phrases you have here (like "in the sea of sighs" and "the colour of blindness") are pretty vague. Maybe not so much "the colour of blindness" but anyway, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it can get confusing. "the sea of sighs" could mean a gazillion things. Of course, as NavysLittleReject said, vagueness can add to the mystery of the poem and therefore, imagination, but I do think that as a writer/poet you'd want at least the base of your idea to get across. I spent a some time deciphering this poem, trying to find the meaning and rereading things. (Of course, when I finally did, it was totally worth it.) Though, I guess when you're talking about loneliness, abstract ideas are sort of just part of the package. I think if you had an abstract idea, but explained it in more concrete terms (and vice versa), that would be amazing. Um sorry for ranting here
I won't pretend to be an expert in poetry, but I have to say that I thought this poem, overall, was pretty good. I liked the partly suppressed emotion and longing behind all this. I actually also really like the narrator. Yeah... that's kind of weird, but I feel like I can relate to the person, in the way that everybody knows how it feels to be lonely. Maybe not as intensely as this person, but lonely still.
I enjoyed your poem a lot once I started to understand it and... yeah. Really great job!
-- Miss Ching
I liked this poem. Dont you hate it when you are right? lol But anyways I was looking for a critique but I couldn't find anything wrong...so job well done.
Hello.
As everyone else has stated, not bad for your first whole poem.
listen to sexisadi. she has said it all for me. It's basically the grammar and structure, but if that is your first then, don't worry, just listen to all comments on here,and google
keep writing
and goodluck for the future!
Hey........amazing work there.You kept very simple and straightforward.I could quite understand the situation of the lonely boy and I guess every one at some point of time in their life goes through stuff like this.
A really strange thought crossed my mind though when you mentioned the cold paned glass.Is it about a person with some deadly disease being quarantined?
I liked the ironical humor in the last line.
Good work there.
Thanks for the thoughts
I agree with the masses. This was good for your first poem, so definitely keep it up. Don't worry about being vague. It can sometimes leave more to the imagination. Kind of like a mystery. Don't know about you, but I enjoy something about mystery and things that aren't very clear. Makes you wonder what the writer was thinking.
Thanks everyone for the reviews!
Sadie--as with prose, you only capitalise the first letter of each sentence, and of a proper noun, but thanks
Hello,
Ok, here I go with the crit...
I whisper my words
through the cold paned glass. (capatalize the 't')
No ear can hear them,
no voice replies. (capatalize the 'n')
I see men dressed
in the colour of blindness, (capatalize the 'i') (use a period instead of the comma)
they ignore me, (capatalize the 't')
I ignore them.
My hand presses
against the window (capatalize the 'a')
in the hope that someone, (capatalize the 'i')
somewhere, (capatalize the 's')
in the sea of sighs, (capatalize the 'i')
will see me. (capatalize the 'w')
I guess – I always guess –
that all eyes will turn away (capatalize the 't')
upon my appearance. (capatalize the 'u')
Then, (comma)
after a few seconds I realise: (and last but not least, capatalize the 'a')
I hate being right.
This was really good, besides the few punctuation mistakes.
-Sadie
Wow, your first poem? It was pretty good for the first one you've written!
Anyways, I think it's kind of vague... If you maybe made the ending a tad bit more clear and all, it would be an even better poem.
Hope this helps!
-KaatiieBugg
What I immediately imagined was a teenager in an insane asylum staring at a crowd of people through the confines in his cell.
I know. I have a pretty wierd imagination. This was a good poem. I really enjoyed it, so keep writing.
By the way, your poem also reminded me of a song. It's from the soundtrack to Gothica and Limp Bizkit's CD "Results May Vary".
It's called "Behind Blue Eyes". The video features Fred Durst in a mental institution with Haley Berry as his doctor.
It's pretty hot. Anyway, I'm rambling here, but nice poem.
Peace out.
For your first poem - I'm impressed. It flowed pretty well, the ending was a bit too abrupt for me but, you have plenty of time to learn the art of poetry. =) Don't ask me though, I write stories - poetry doesn't really involve much vivid detail (other than emotion) so I don't fit too well in that scene =/
Anyway, I think you did a good job =] My favorite part was:
I really like how you used, "in the sea of sighs it flows perfectly
Thanks both of you,
I suddenly enjoy writing poetry
For a first peom, this is preatty dang good!
Tweek it just a little, make the words flow a little better, and you will really have something 
Keep it up; poetry's all about learning the subtelties of language, the sounds and images attached to the words.
Ye, I didn't really know where I was going with this.
Thanks for the crit.
This is good for your first attempt
It sort of confused me a little and I didn't quite understand what was going on. I felt that the final three stanzas where a little long winded and could've been condensed down. The third last one was the longest but it said the least. I think you need to go back to your original idea and really think about what you were trying to say and convey it in a more condensed way. There is nothing wrong with the length of it, I just feel in unnecessary.
I really liked the first stanza. I really pictured someone leading against a window, looking at the passers by and feeling distant from then.
But as I said I didn't quite understand where this poem led to, I feel as if you are missing a key point.
Keep working at it.
Thanks both of you!
Qultur--that concrete noun stuff was actually very helpful!
Thanks
Hm...I sorta like the first stanza because of the phrase, "cold, paned glass;" reading it aloud would make me wonder whether you meant "paned" or "pained." My interest kind of evaporates towards the end, though, and I'll try to describe why.
One of the biggest mistakes people first starting to write poetry make is using abstract nouns. As opposed to concrete nouns, which are tangible things that one can see and touch in person, abstract nouns are just ideas, and the reason why concrete is favorable for poetry is because the idea of writing poetry is the idea of communicating an idea through imagery. Here's a bit of an example.
The word "life" is an abstract noun. If I used the word "life" somewhere randomly in a piece of poetry, one person might get the image of the Earth, while another, contrarily, might get the image of a baby. If I simply used the word "Earth" or "baby," depending on the context of the poem, it would actually paint a picture for the reader, however simple.
Heh, yeah. Sorry for the rant, but it leads me to your second stanza, in the phrase "colour of blindness." I can hear that you're trying to sound eloquent, but it's so strained that reading it over, I'm not sure you understand what you were trying to say. Yeah, "colour" and "blindness" are virtual opposites, but what were you trying to say by writing that the men wear it? Are they wearing nothing? Are you ignoring them because they're grody old people?
Sorry for the long-winded reply, but I've gotta get back into critiquing; haven't done it in awhile, and it's starting to get tedious repeating things I've told other people a few times without glazing over and forgetting the content of what I'm trying to say. I just hope I was helpful in some way.
So...uh...keep on writing, eh?
Not bad at all for your first poem! I like it quite a bit actually. I just don't understand the ending at all. Make that a little more clear and you'd have a winner! I hope you continue poetry! Read other poems and learn from their critiques so you don't make the same mistakes. Good luck and keep writing!
Yoyo