Note: I'm quite new to poetry; what do you think this is about, really? I would love some advice. =) Thanks.
*
At Tallgrass House the heather wrapped together.
Sisters or brothers slept before Satan’s sky;
they knew no worse than the curse of love.
Rows of red patterned in with the sun
and it grew hotter when we could see it,
while children swung velvet ribbons as if they lived for eternity.
Do you remember it? Roses plump and fat keened where you almost sat
and you stood all the while where the sun haloed your hair.
And they came with mallets
to knock down Tallgrass House.
The North was grey against my flag, striped red to violet;
Richard of York rode to battle; he did not bow to the rainbow flag.
The spirit that rose: you nodded and unpodded your godly body.
Hear how they saw the night: we ran like the flight of moths to moonlight.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Demilvishatberrysundae--
Be grateful that you haven't read many poems by me. They'll seriously mess with your head. XD Anyhow, thank you for the critique! I'm glad you liked it. =]
(That guy on Omegle is obviously very silly. Boobo. Heh.)
Bloink.
Hi, Blinky.
I have to say, I like what you had before: "Red in the sky was striped with the sun", because I think "rows of red" is something I certainly would have written, and so it's also a little odd. I mean, I understand the image here, it just sounds slightly funny – although at the same time I just want to pat it for being something you'd find in a poem by me.
I like this very much, because it's like they only feel it when they see it. And I like it. =)
I have a little hard time connecting this with the rest of the stanza – I have a faint idea though – but it sounds beautiful all the same. The tricky part in poetry (apart from the poetry itself
I don't know whether to like this or not, because it's like I said "Blinky and Mark wrote this poem", you know. Maybe there is a greater meaning in them, or maybe there isn't. Or maybe it's just to make the readers philosophize. Despite all this, I kind of like this after all, because I see the roses so much easier (easierly?) than if you only said "red roses".
I find "the rainbow flag" somewhat redundant and flatting. It's just that when you have the flag striped red to violet, most people will get it that it's a rainbow flag after a little bit of thinking. And at least I wouldn't like to let the readers get away too easily.
I like this piece. I had to really concentrate on it, which is definitely a good thing. It's not that great if you can review a poem by just reading it once and not thinking about it all. Also, I don't think I've read many poems by you.
I guess I'll see you around, Bloonk.
(Also, I told the boobo joke to this guy on Omegle. He didn't get it.)
Demeter
xx
Thanks, both of you! I really appreciate it. I've given it a little edited thought, and I think it's much better. =)
I was reading that like "whaaaa".
Thank you!
Blinky
the whole poem was tight but I did not fully understand what it was about. All I got was that this was about Tallgrass house.
"sisters or brothers before Satan’s sky."
It was odd to me seeing Satan there. It gives it a hell-ish air. Something malevolent or wicked.
but in your second to last line- "in that surreal defeat and I died with your holy spirit insight."
It counteracts the satanic mention.
to be honest the poem seems like it is a battle between good and evil.
"Hear how they saw the night: I ran like the flight of moths to moonlight."
that line is like you escaping from the battle in the night to freedom.
I could be way off on my interpretation but it was an interesting read. Didn't bore me
Hi Blink! June here!
Have I ever reviewed you before? It seems like I haven't.
So, reading over this poem, I can tell it needs improvement; yet, it was very enjoyable and very refreshing to read. It's wonderful to take a break from love poems.
•To be honest, your opening line comes off as long and preachy. I would suggest perhaps changing it to:
At Tallgrass house
the heather wrapped together...
• "was where" is quite an annoying phrase in here; I would suggest eliminating it, because you can get the message across clearly without it. When it's left there, it basically seems like deadwood.
•Your third line here is a fragment; I think that the idea of the line is good, but the way it's written doesn't suit the surrounding lines, nor do I think that you should bring us to a full stop using a period for the third line.
(also, I dislike the beginning of two consecutive lines with "and"
This is beautiful.
• Your first line here easily becomes confusing, dear. I would insert some commas to help it not be so complicated.
• In the second line, I would eliminate the and, and use a semicolon. Simply because and is an annoying word, very easy to become redundant.
• Your closing line is decent. I understand what you are trying to say, but it's confusing. I think it's because they is plural, I is singular and moths is plural that makes the reading over of this confusing. (Hey, doesn't it sound like I used bad grammar in the previous sentence?) If "we" were in place of "I", I assure you this would have an easier flow to it.
Overall, I can say that this was a wonderful poem. I do think that some things could be tightened and cleaned up, but those are minor things to pay attention to. You've done an excellent job with this.
Keep up the good work, Blinkster! =D
June