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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi Blackood! I have to say, I'm intrigues. You've done so many reviews today and yet you're not fighting for a team - that's true review spirit there! I must admit I'm here with an alternate motive though: not long ago you signed up for our Secret Santa event and Santa very sadly couldn't find your house. Not to worry though, I am here to deliver your two reviews instead!
Let's take a look at the first lines - that's your best chance to really grab your reader and hook them in. Now this is a little simple for my liking - it isn't doing anything different to a thousand other lines. It isn't strongly visual or imperative (that means commanding) and it isn't thought provoking. It's nice enough, but not the kind of lines you want to start a poem with.Line-By-Line
1.
However! Just be rearranging the words a little, you can start to make it more interesting. Here's a few quick examples:
If society is a cage, I stand outside,
trusting to defy nature's paw.
Rules are to straight to chain me so I stand
in defiance of nature.
I'm also unsure about that second line in general though - why are nature and society both to be defied? I've always considered society very unnatural and actually going against it is in many forms a return to nature and a rejection of the man-made world.
2. I like the idea of taking more than their own share of life, but I'd like to see you expand that. How do they plan to have more than one life? Do you mean they plan to simply do more with their life, or almost that they are stealing time by not wasting their childhood years in school or five out of seven days a week in work. Who is this persona and what are the relevant details to them? At the moment, your poem is too general and the persona could be anyone: young or old. Male or female. It's difficult to engage with someone so faceless.
3. The title doesn't fit what's happening in the poem - you're not using apposition, it's not really a prayer and I'm not sure where your line of thinking is on that?
Overall
I have to be honest and say this didn't really grab me. I think the language is too basic and not visual or poetic enough and I didn't get a very deep sense of how it all connected. I understand that the persona is saying everyone must live for themselves and focus on their own lives, but the persona was too much of a blank page for me to want to listen to or understand. You need some examples. What has gone so wrong (or right) in their life that has led to this belief? How do they act on it - what is it they are doing which is not a society norm? It would be anything from being a murderer to being in a same sex relationship or simply not doing their homework. The poem needs fine detail so we can see the story and understand.
I hope that helps a little.
Just keep writing!
Heather xx
I am a lone fighter! And I am interested that this, the very first thing I submitted was what you chose to review
Interesting indeed.
And I think I wrote it when I was 12 or something.
Uhmm ok, maybe I'm just being unintelligent but what is the meaning of your title? Because according to online dictionary: Parathesis mean: Pa`rath´e`sis
I look forward to reading more of your work!
n. 1. (Gram.) The placing of two or more nouns in the same case; apposition.
2. (Rhet.) A parenthetical notice, usually of matter to be afterward expanded.
3. (Print.) The matter contained within brackets.
4. (Eccl.) A commendatory prayer.
So, I'm not really even sure which definition you're talking about, or if you meant "Parenthesis" With an 'N'. I really enjoyed reading your poem, but would like to know what you're trying to say with the title, so I could understand it better.
I guess if you meant the words within the brackets, you're poem is kind of about how we need to live our lifes within ourselves not giving up our love to others, and thus staying secluded like words within parentheses. If that was your meaning it might be cool to put the tile within a set of parentheses like this------> ' (parathesis) ' Just to make the meaning more clear.
Thank you for posting, I enjoy when I have to google a new word because of the advanced language in a passage. It deffinently means it's good if a persons willing to crack the dictionary to gain better understanding.
~alliyah~
Hi there!
barefootrunner here to review
Okay, so first impressions: a very deep message for whoever reads this. Also, what on earth is parathesis? The only thing called parathesis that I know about is a genus of plants, which I'm not so sure is relevant, but in any case. It starts off quite well, but soon becomes a torrent of life lessons that don't get across as well as they should.
Spelling and grammar:
I'm not sure about parathesis. But I'd really love to hear from you if you've got an explanation! Quite curious about it.
Then you have in your fourth stanza "People whom I cannot care" which I think needs to be "People for whom I cannot care".
You have irregular punctuation here, as well as irregular capitalization of the start of lines. Get a set of rules, like mimicking normal punctuation or making it traditional with capitals at the start of every line and a comma at each end. In your third stanza, you have a complete lack of punctuation, whereas in the first, you have an overflow, including a comma that does not seem to have a purpose other than showing up the end of the line. I'll just take the first few stanzas and change the end punctuation on them, and look how it affects the poem:
So now you get a veritable jungle of various punctuation marks all suited to their place. Check out the function of punctuation marks. Spice it up with semi-colons and dashes. Emily Dickinson really made use of the dash, dotting them all over the place like ketchup. Check out 'Because I Could Not Stop For Death' for some cool dashes.
Word choice:
You have used a lot of rather fancy, roundabout ways of saying things, but I think just saying it straight would carry across much better.
I trust to defy the balance of nature —> I defy nature/society/the world.
Keep it simple and sharp. Then you can elaborate with poetic devices like metaphors and similes.
Poeticism:
You did not use much here. Try some alliteration and assonance for a deliciously subtle punch. But here is a poem by Don Mattera which also has a beautiful strong message, but it uses some metaphors and look how much more it gives the poem!
Let us halt this quibbling
Of reform and racial preservation
Saying who belongs to which nation
And let the children decide
It is their world.
Let us burn our uniforms
Of old scars and grievances
And call back our spent dreams
And the relics of crass tradition
That hang on our malignant hearts
And let the children decide
For it is their world…
It's about Apartheid and the politics of the time. It is simply /made/ by making the abstract physical. So go for it and give the readers something to visualize. When you close your eyes in Let the Children Decide, you get visuals passing before your eyes. So put physical concepts into your poem to give it a more concrete tang.
That is it from me!
I really enjoyed reading your poem, so keep writing!
barefootrunner
hello,
nice poem........ good title and also the overall poem.
Loved a few lines:
- If I am not granted what I want;
Why not have it?
-Because we take for granted,
that we only exist once.
The bottom line:' Make your mark' , i liked it.
Although i don't write this way but i found it pleasing and in a good flow.
I will not interrupt into the theme as i find it really well, although at times it reveals a carefree attitude, sometime selfish and still containing motivation.
Can't say much about the writing style but came nicely.
Enjoyed it.
Cheers for it.
Hello There........
First off LOVED the poem. It was dark and well written. Secondly, it was not very descriptive. For example, the last line in the fourth stanza could have easily been described in more detail with a simple metaphor or simile. I too have troubles with splashes of figurative language here and there. So just add them and you should be good.
Thirdly, the last stanza really made the flow of the poem a little edgy. I suggest rewording or simply take off "for you".
That's my review......hope it helped!!!