When we were young,
we wiped the mud from our knees;
closed out eyes, crossed the road,
washed our hair in the breeze,
regardless of water
and a trifle of eyes;
spat out the poison
and the food we didn't like.
When we were young,
we were afraid of the fall.
Took a bite, struck a match;
and then sometimes conform.
Hushed a bell on the wind,
hid away with our lives;
taking solace in dreams
and the wings that we strived.
When we were young,
we thought the song was too hard:
content with our ground,
played a safe hand of cards.
Spent all our money
on frivoulous things,
expecting that one day,
we would all live like kings.
When we were young
and our heart was devote,
tangled in circles;
left a half scribbled note
stuck to the doorstep
the nights we went out,
to bury the stress
and the sorrows we drowned.
When we were young,
eager to wave our goodbye
with a smile, to the years
that passed hastily by.
The eggs from the nest;
packed away and sorted,
with space in their wake;
we thought we were immortal.
When we were young;
arms and legs which still worked,
we could nap in the sunshine
and not everything hurt.
Days sped away,
like a racer gone wild.
Our stomachs were full;
our taste-buds gone mild.
When we were young,
it was but yesterday;
the hair on our heads,
white rather than grey.
The world was not gone,
but was ending instead,
with the fear of tomorrow
to know we will be dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi Blackwood,
The poem was all well and good, description was pretty spot on. But I'm not going to sugar coat your review with compliments, because I suppose that's not what they're for. I'll be blunt, I wasn't a fan of the repetition of "When we were young" it got a little old, and frankly it disengaged me quite a bit, so I missed a lot of the other stuff you were saying, which is a bit of a shame. Also, a little nitpick "When our heart was devote"- does that even make sense, or did you just wing it? Should it maybe be " When our heart was devoted" comma and then add what it was devoted to?
Well, that's it for my review.
WOW. That is the first word that comes to mind when reading this. Beautiful work here. Even though the poem is a little lengthy, it was like a story. As I read along, I could feel an instant connection to the piece, aging as the narrator aged. The specific memories "spitting out foods we don't like" made the poem relatable. Something that I would like to note on is in the last stanza near the end, the message kind of contradicted itself. "The world was not gone, but ending instead, with fear of tomorrow to know we will be dead" The nostalgia of the poem was making it seem like better to live in yesterday, not in fear. When you are young, the world isn't ending and there's no fear of tomorrow. I would consider changing the line to say "The world was not gone, but beginning instead, with no fear of tomorrow to know we'll be dead" It just makes more sense. But I liked it!
Blackie I'm reviewing this! I'm going stanza by stanza. XD
First Stanza
I am not going to really write anything about this stanza other than complimenting it. I really liked it! I thought the lines you used flowed really well, and the rhyming was not only sweet but also meaningful. It was truly beautiful.
Second Stanza
This one is a toughie because you and I both know that it could use some changing/tweaking except, the problem is to not touch the idea, and the pattern, and the rhyme, and everything. XP So let me see if I can attempt to help with some of it.
This was the line I particularly didn't feel fit in especially, because of the word conform. First of all I did not understand the connection fully with what you had said before, but I'll throw that aside, because it could easily be explained to me XP but yeah, discussion for later. Mainly though I felt like the threw me off from the way I was reading it. It did not rhyme with any of the other words in the stanza, and that's what mainly bugged me. I don't truly mind if it was kept though but I would merely suggest that you change it to
"and then we sometimes conformed."
I just felt like it might work with the rhyme, and whilst I am not a hundred percent what they are conforming to, they probably already have? So that's just a suggestion for that one.
And then this:
"Hushed by a bell in the wind,"
That would be my suggestions. I don't think adding "by" is too much, but if it is, then no bother. Then,
"we hid away with our lives;"
I think that might help better connect, lives with strived, although it's up to you. And actually I don't mind it the way it is, also, lives and strived was an excellent rhyme.
I still really enjoyed reading this stanza, and once again the meaning is very rich, and your chosen words, wonderful. I was thrilled and excited to read on.
Third Stanza
I absolutely loved this! It was so well written, and it moved me because it was true, when we are young we often over-thought things, and were too comfortable where we were. Also I just liked your decision to bring cards into it, it worked well, and I liked the meaning behind it. I also really liked the rest of it and how you ended it, also I love the word frivolous. I just love it.
Fourth Stanza
I have a edit/suggestion:
"When we were young
and our hearts were devote,"
Because you used the term, "we" I figured the rest should also be plural.
I felt like this one was a bit more choppy than the other ones. Like it was shorter, and I like it better when you let the sentences finish with out indenting an all that. That's the only thing. Other than that this was beautiful as well, and I thought it was great. I'm not sure if there's a way you can not make it like that, but in case there is, I pointed it out, but in truth, I don't think it really matters. I understand you were trying to not make super long sentences and such. XP It was good, really beautiful.
Fifth Stanza
I really loved this stanza. XD I thought it was so great. It made me remember when I was a girl and I always said that I wanted to be thirteen. I always said it over and over again, I want to be thirteen, and then when I became thirteen, I wanted to be sixteen. And now that I'm sixteen I want to start from when I was a baby again and live the fun parts of my life again, and grow up a little differently. So the story in here is really being told in such a meaningful and connecting way. Really, really nice to read and reflect. Loved it.
Sixth Stanza
I found this line a little bit strange because I just don't see how napping in the sunshine could ever hurt, even if you are older and such, it just doesn't seem like something that would hurt at first glance. But do you mean sunburning or something? Because I don't get sunburnt. I'm black. XP I'm just kidding, something happens to my skin and it is hot an all, but I don't really get sunburnt, sunburnt. So I can't relate to that one if that's what you meant. (I'm playing you, I don't think it really matters that much. And I do get what you're trying to say I believe. But just so you know, you know?)
I love the way you ended this stanza! I thought it was great rhyming and creativity with the whole racer thing. Awesome stanza.
Seventh Stanza
I thought this was a great way to end it! I loved the steady flow I got from reading it, and I think it's fabu. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe combining we and will to we'll, but that's a random advice that I don't expect you to take. XP It's just cause I read it like that at first and thought it sounded nice, and the flow was good. So anyways, up to you.
Overall
Overall, I thought this was a great piece of work here. And I am very proud to call you my friend, we should definitely work together in writing some more! I think that I'd be honored to work with you, because you really have such a beautiful style and it seems like it just flowed naturally off the top of your head, or if not, it still flowed that way. It was a marvelous read. XD Please keeps it up! Keep 'em coming.
--Keep dreaming over the mountains, the stars, Jupiter and Mars.
Hey, HT here to review.
First of all, I liked how you began each stanza with the title. Doing so just further emphasized the meaning and got that point across to the reader, saying that this is what this poem is about.
You definitely captured a great deal of truth in this poem, and it's very clear that it means something to you. I think that everyone, not matter what their current age is can find something to relate to in any one of these stanzas.
This is well written, and there are no grammar or spelling mistakes as far as I can see. However, in the second stanza, in the third and fourth lines:
*"Took a bite, stroke a match;
then sometimes conform."*
While there are no technical mistakes here I just don't really get what you are trying to say here. I read it several times, and I still don't get the meaning or how this fits in to the rest of the work.
Other than that, (I'm not going to say utter perfection because not a single one of us is perfect,) really good work!
Happy Writing!
HT