Somewhere in the dead world, I caught the sky.
I caught the sky without a prying eye.
Imminence revealed itself in robes.
I grabbed my heart, yanked it out, without probes.
When the horror was appeased, nothing stood.
A flat Earth unearthed for a greater good.
My heart was pumping, bleeding, and sinking.
There lacked any more need for some thinking.
Then came obsession, addiction, drinking.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,031 Literary Works • 672,907 Reviews
This for me seemed deep and that's what I loved about it. I'm not into rhyming poems but still it's good.
The poem had heart in it so that has potential.
the last line- 'Then came obsession, addiction, drinking.' It has a powerful last line which is moving. It relates to many people, including myself. So this poem really did have meaning!
Great work overall!
I honestly don't like rhyming poems much, so I'm not going to be positive about that part, sorry. But that's just my opinion--here's what you did well, regardless of my personal feelings toward the style:
-I love how it could be about a disaster/it could be a post-apocalyptic thing, but it could also be a metaphor for other situations.
-It ended unhappily--you don't see that much.
Keep writing!
Hello there! CaptainSalty here!
Umm, I actually saw a poem exactly like this. I am not too sure if you or the other person plagiarized it, but it's exactly like this poem.
Banshee brother
I reviewed that poem, I didn't even see this one.
Super sorry to inconvenience you. I do like this poem though. Not bad!
-CaptainSalty
Just saying, isn't it a little weird and wrong to mark this as a review when it really offers no relevant feedback whatsoever except a link to a review that already got you points?
Oh darn it! I think I marked it accidentally, probably my force of habit. I do that a lot.
Haha, no problem Captain! And thanks for helping to catch the plagiarized work. I've marked this comment as just a comment, and I've moved your review of the other work over to here. Just let me know if you'd like this comment deleted.
Hello! CaptainSalty here with a review!
Umm, I wouldn't really consider this violent and mature. I would consider it a little dark though. I do like this poem though. There are just a couple tweaks needed.
This part doesn't make any sense. It's just a forced rhyme. People can tear out organs without probes, I would find a new rhyme. If you can't though, add "any" into the part of "without probes."
I hate the ending. It's very unnecessary and it throws off of the rhyme scheme pattern. Unless you are making this as a cliffhanger, then I guess it would be acceptable.
Otherwise, I do like this poem. I like the dark nature of this. The rhyme scheme I particularly like, except the last line that throws it all off.
Anyways, I do want to see more of your poems. Don't give up and always write, nehaagraval!
-CaptainSalty