Young Writers Society

Hi Bethany Marie Wright!! I really love this poem, it literally brought tears to my eyes. It seems that you have been through quite a bit, don't take this wrongly by the way. I really love every bit of this poem but I have to say that my favorite bit, is one of the most simplistic lines, from the structure (enjambment) and the actual language:
"For the truth to be wrong." This screams denial, mixed messages and mind games. It's that moment where the indifference of reality carries so much authenticity and it's completely unbearable. It's painful, I think you really enhanced the emotions really well. I was listening to Skinny Love by Birdy and it just made the effect of the poem 10 times emotional. I love this poem. I was drawn in by the title active immediately. I tend to be attracted to read poems which are sad, as it really helps me understand what people are going through. I feel the compassion from reading it. It's almost as if you've been through it, which makes it better. This poem literally read my mind and inspired me to want to write similarly to you. The use of caesura and enjambment is on point. I am just in awe. You could be my physiological twin as this is just what goes through, it's the way in which you've written it that makes it more worthwhile. WELL DONE

Hello hello hello!
This is a really good piece you have here! There are just some things that you should work on.

Wasted(I think it would sound better and more dramatic if you placed a comma here then put the rest of the line onto a separate line.) were the seconds I spent believing,

The lies I made to cover you.

Broken(I think it would sound better and more dramatic if you placed a comma here then put the rest of the line onto a separate line.) are the moments I saved,

The times you claimed the truth.

Gone(I think it would sound better and more dramatic if you placed a comma here then put the rest of the line onto a separate line.) will be the memories,

And gone, so will you.

-

For now that's all I am,

All I was, and all I will ever be;

Wasted, broken, gone.

As I am left shattered on the cold ground,

Sadness seeping into my bones,

The truth will be set free,(I would make the rest of this line a new line below to be more dramatic) no longer bound.

-

And as the songs I didn't wish to hear,

Fly up into the velvet sky of night,

Calling for you to collect,

I will sit, alone, wasted, broken, gone,

Hoping for just one moment,

For the truth(I'd put a comma and then make the rest a new line.) to be(you should add the word "all" here to have more of an impact.) wrong.

For now that's all I am,

All I was, and all I will ever be;

Wasted, broken, gone.

Hey there! Thanks so much for writing this poem. It's got a really powerful voice behind it, and I love all the imagery that you have. I feel like I really know what's going on, and that's great.
If I were to have any criticism, I would say that this would probably work better if you removed the punctuation; I know that grammar is important and all, but sometimes poems that emotional (like this one), do a little bit better in getting their feelings across when there's not all these commas and things weighing it down (though do keep the commas between wasted, broken, gone).
In all, keep up the good work! Thanks for writing!

Hi there, here is a quick review.....

Honestly I related to this poem, I recently went through a bad relationship.

I couldn't have written it better myself.

You have talent don't give up keep going.

Any negative reviews take as helping you improve.

Hi there! Magpie here for a quick review!

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

Is this a breakup poem? I don't know. And that is a problem. You have a bunch of words put together in stanzas, but I have no idea what the main point of the poem is. Make sure the meaning is clear, not obscured by emotion. Emotion should play second fiddle to meaning, almost always.

Your punctuation is odd. You don't have to put a comma at the end of every line; poems have grammatically normal sentences in them. If you write this out, not in stanza form, and find that you have some extra commas, take them out. It adds pauses that shouldn't be there.

Honestly, I found this poem self absorbed and whiny. I know the narrator is sad, but to make this interesting, and not just a pity party, this character needs to get out of his/her head.

I like that you had images in your poem. The songs flying into the sky line was nice, and "calling for you to collect" was lovely. I suggest, however, creating a similar set of images throughout the poem to make a more cohesive piece. For example, you could imagine this situation as if the narrator was desperately trying to reach the other on a pay phone. Perhaps the narrator has just come from a party, and is missing the other person, or their car has broken down in the middle of nowhere. If you give a setting to the piece, it will give you a stronger image set, and make the main idea of the poem easier to fathom.

On formatting: hold shift when you press enter to single space a line. That way you don't have to have hyphens!

I hope that this proves helpful to you. Happy writing, and have a nice day!