Tell me,
Oh love of mine,
How do you still care when I torment
Your soul and inner being
With requests you cannot complete?
-
Tell me,
Oh dearest,
How quickly did you fall
For a beast like myself when
Much of me is pain and darkness?
-
Tell me,
Oh lover,
How could you stand by me
As I broke down, myself, and
Everything around me?
-
Well, I can tell you,
My beauty,
That the darkness becomes lighter
When you cause it and walking
To the edges of the earth for you is more
than worth it.
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Canary word: Present
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129,796 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
This is a very beautiful poem and I was mesmerized while I read it. It is absolutely beautiful, however, there are a few structural issues. You should probably run over your poem again and make sure that everything makes sense as sentences. The idea was tough to get through. I didn't understand the message until the end. If you could, please read it over one more time and fix whatever you think will help with my problem.
Keep it up! Good luck!
Timmyjake here to give you a short review!
This was really good! I loved the repetition in the first line of each stanza, and the whole piece flowed very well. I have a few nitpicks that I will tell you about!
Firstly,
I think it would flow better if you did "When I am pain and darkness" Instead of "much of me"
And then the last stanza, on the first line, you kind of break that repetition you had in all of the other stanzas. I don't know if it could have been avoided, but I thought I would point it out!
I think that is all I have to critique! I loved this! It flowed very well. Honestly, I have no idea how you guys do it!
~Timmyjake
I really like this.
The terms of endearment you chose fit this poem perfectly.
I was a little confused as to who was speaking.
The first three stanzas: these of of are someone (you?) addressing their(your?) lover. The fourth, final stanza: is this the (your?) lover addressing the first spokesperson (you?)
Thank you, and yes that's how it worked, first three was one half of the couple, and the last was the other.
Hey there, nice poem! Let's go through it, shall we?
First of all, you don't need the capital letter at the start of every line. It's a new line, not a sentence. I see this a lot, but there are plenty of punctuation rules you can break within poetry; so take advantage of it! This is, however, a nice opening to the poem. It's nice how you've used the title in the lines of the poem. The "oh love of mine" works well because you're not telling us anything about the person this is addressed to, other than that they are your love. The question is nice, it makes you want to find the answer throughout the rest of the poem.
Another question, works with the previous stanza very well. It's good how you keep referring to yourself as the "bad one" in this. It allows your audience to try and empathise with the receiver of this message. Again though, the capitals at the start of each line are not needed.
I like how you keep repeating the "tell me" and how you keep using a rhetorical question. Well, it's rhetorical to us as the reader. But it makes me imagine some form of conversation taking place between these two people. One thing that I don't really like about this stanza is the "oh lover" it seems too... modern? It doesn't really fit in with the other vocabulary you have used.
The ending stanza is my favourite part of the poem. You're almost answering the questions you have asked, but about the other character. It's a nice way to end it and is worded quite well.
Overall, I enjoyed reading it. The things I found that could do with improvement are more so nitpicks that serious problems. I think you have a poem with potential though. With a little work you could have an even better poem than you already have. To do this? Add some mystery. Create some imagery, don't just tell me what's happening; show me.
Good luck with future writing!
-Clarity.
Thank you for the review! I chose not to make it longer because I can't stand walking into a billion stanza poem and I don't want to make others go through that. And the capital letters is because I tried it without and my OCD took over and couldn't sand how it looks. Thank you very much
No problem!