Author's note: This was originally posted in YWS News, and if you'd like to join in on the discussion of your opinions then click here: news_story.php?id=59 I posted a copy in here because I thought it time you lot reviewed some of my writing again! Since this is my latest piece, it seems only right I let you tear it apart. 
happy reviewing!
Shakin' Hands & the Art of Socialising
"Shakin' Hands" is the title of a fairly explicit Nickelback song that essentially regards the female in "work". However we won't dig any deeper on that because I'm not writing about the lyrical craftsmanship that I'm sure most likely doesn't go into the creation of a Nickelback song. Though, it is good to mention it as it compliments the title of this article.
No. This is about what we are "expected" to do in the modern societies in the special points of our lives where we greet people. This ancient old pleasantry with the myth that the word, "Hello", was derived from the first ever telephone greeting, have worked together to form something that we are all brought up to believe is polite.
Everytime it occurs we go through the same thought processes, we somehow feel the need to say hello and gesture our greeting through a form of physical attack or harrasment, such as a kiss, a hug or a shaking of the hands. The problem being that not only do you wonder where on earth your boss' hands have been, but the people you've known for decades that feel the need to hug you tightly as ever don't actually realise that you hate them. I'm not saying this is the general opinion for everyone, because it isn't. Although at some point, I guarantee you'll render the idea of greeting somewhat disturbing. The next process you're expected to go along with is the mind-boggling boredom of the stupidest question in the world: How are you? There's only two ways you can reply without coming across as an idiot and they are "good" or "fine". If you respond with your honest opinion, such as: "I was until you came over here, hugging me like a crazy dude and then expecting to know how I feel!" or something as simple as: "Bad", what you don't realise is they've suddenly lost the will to care. As much as they'd probably ask you why or try and comfort you in the most effective way they see they can, what they're really thinking is, "Oh god, why couldn't you just have said 'fine' so I could go over there and nibble on a scone."
Again, this is merely a generalisation of opinion but the very fact of it still stands. Some conversations even die after the "Hello" and deathly "How're you?"
So, how do you keep a conversation going without making the other person feel like a light weight sheep about to be shot out of a double barrell shotgun?
It's actually quite simple. You take a risk, dive out of the framework, stop hugging people that hate you and stop shaking hands with your boss who sweats like Lee Evans on show night. Next time your boss says "Hi" instead of returning it in good manner, why not just dance around shouting "Hi indeed!" or compliment him on his dress sense. But wait. Compliments are another dier need of old age, with the standard answer to "Does this look good?" always and forever being "Yes", or you'll get your head chopped off with a handbag. The same sort of idea applies when someone is supposed to compliment the way their partener looks without them having to ask them, this may arise from a stupid "How are you?" question that kills your conversation, thus the only route to take afterwards would be a lame follow up of, "So... you look stunning."
The truth is, all the alternatives I've given here are rubbish, but what you need to recognise is that no-one likes this greeting stuff anymore. Like a person from the telly may say, "that's so last year". The art of socialising is (not arguably, it's fact, okay?) the hardest thing to master in the world. I'm yet to meet anyone who truly has. Have you?
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126,677 Literary Works • 672,940 Reviews
Thanks Heather!
I see what you mean, the general point of 'special' was to make it sound sarcastic, but yeah, I think I'd have to rephrase that a touch since it didn't come across perhaps the way I wanted! This is technically a first draft, yes, but naturally my non-fiction columns are a spill out of rants on a subject and then a quick glance over then post. ;D haha, I use the helpful criticisms that you kind girls have offered me and spruce up the next column, hopefully getting better... and better! As I write these almost every other day
Hey Ben! I've been meaning to give you a few comments on this for a while so here goes...
Next paragraph is good, nicely worded and made me smile.
I felt your ending could be a little more conclusive? Rhetorical question is an awesome technique but I'm left feeling that you could have gone deeper into what does work, at least a little before deciding that meeting and greeting is age old.
Style
I love the colloquial feel to this but I'd be even more of a fan if you threw a few little facts and tid bits in there. You could research an instance when people have greeted each other strangely and its had some sort of an effect. I don't klnow if there is one but it would be interesting if there was? Or maybe you could have facts about greetings in different cultures/ age groups. The high five of the teenage generation, the cheek kiss which I believe originated in France?
Structure
I felt that it could be a little more concise. This is quite an early darft perhaps? Only, the transition from point to point isn't always very smooth, as if it's only just occured to you that that's the direction you want to go in. The main example of this is when you start discussing the alternatives.
Overall
Interesting article. It made for an entertaining read even if it didn't tell me anything new so you're doing a lot right, I'd just... like you to also tell me something new? XD
Heather xx
Thanks! Helps a lot (:
Hey there (:
Okay, so the first thing I thought after reading this was: why? Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy reading this, but it is also about things that (some) people realize already. And you should understand and say in this article that there are, in fact, people who don't shake hands or say hello. They are also 'rude' people like you said.
These rude people, as you said, are only titled rude because they do not act like everyone else on this earth. I think you should talk more about the minds of these people. It would be so much more interesting if you got inside their heads, and spoke about their reasons for doing this. I think that in articles like these, to avoid sounding biased, which I don't think is something you want to do in an article like this, you need to come from all angles. There are not only 'right' and 'wrong' in this situation. There are many other situations of people: those who stand against it, for it, or just ignore it. Don't make your readers think that they have to choose between thinking this is wrong or right.
Since you focus on the cons, why not the pros too? Maybe you should talk about how this is a good thing? How much would people's self-esteems drop if every person ignored them when they threw a kind gesture their way? Like I said before, give your readers more options on how to think, this way there could be more debate about your subject because it could turn people's ideas around.
Now, what I did like was that it was a very interesting subject. I love learning about things that society expects and corrupts. I also liked, like all of your others, how I felt as if you were speaking to me directly, and we were having a discussion about this topic. Your voice is amazing and is always a pleasure to read. You make reading articles fun for someone like me!
Keep writing, and I hope I helped! I'm not too good at reviewing non-fic. (:
Sam!
Cheers Skins, I appreciate your feedback (: it helps more than you think! :]
Howdy Ben.
Here to review as requested.
I'm going to warn you in advance, non-fiction is no way my strong point. In fact, I epically fail at reviewing it. Although this may be true, I will try my very best to give you a somewhat decent review. Just remember, I am cool. K?
This sentence was rather long for my liking, especially without any commas. I've added some in where I think they would help the sentence flow easier.
I loved the part that I highlighted in blue, it made me chuckle. It's nice to know that you think kissing is harassment.
Yeah... I know the feeling.
haha! I really liked this part as well!
What a beautiful simile.
Woop! Lee Evans!
*Nods*
Overall
I'm no expert on this whole non-fiction thing, but what I do know, is that this was really good! You managed to encourage me to believe in what you were saying, that's what I assume you were going for. It's actually very true as well. The way that people greet is really annoying. I'd love for some one to come up to me and say something like, "Your arm is nice." That would be cool. That's what I liked best about this, I think; the content of the piece. It's so simple, yet very interesting, which is actually surprising. Your grammar was also good and your spelling was more or less perfect. It was as far as I could tell, anyway. One of the things that I especially found effective in this piece was the last sentence. It loved how you used a rhetorical question that actually got me thinking. Most rhetorical questions don't have that effect on me, but this one did.
My first critique, which isn't a very big one, is probably the length of your sentences. I know that this isn't a piece of fiction, so short sentences aren't really that important. You don't necessarily need to create tension in a piece of non-fiction like this, do you? Although that is true, I did notice that some of your sentences were a bit too long for my liking. It wouldn't have been quite as noticeable if you'd included some commas or semi colons in the sentences. Most of the time, you used your grammar correctly. I just found that at times, you could have included the odd comma here and there. Although I felt that you had some comma issues, the rest of your grammar was perfect. It was as far as I'm aware.
The only proper critique I can really think of is something to do with the beginning of this. My lack of knowledge about non-fiction effects my ability to mention a decent critique. Sorry. As I was saying, the other critique I can think of is the fact that I don't see much of a connection with the beginning of this and the rest of it. Before you go, "There is a connection, you smelly feces." I wouldn't actually know.
Overall, I am very much impressed with this. You definitely have a talent for writing non-fiction, not that I needed to tell you that, I'm sure. You literally convinced me to believe in what you were saying, thumps up to you for that. Like I said before, I really did like the content of this. It's simple, but you've managed to make it funny, interesting and you've turned it into something rather quirky. Please don't take this review too seriously, like I've mentioned many times before, I have no idea what I'm on abut.
Keep writing!
xoxo Rhian