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Two short horror stories that I hated and need to work on

by BeingRivy


Here are two horror stories that I made that you can read and review on them. Here there are hope you enjoy! Please give them any advice and tips to help me with my story. Due to setting issues, plot points, and character problems, these stories are not going to be a series and are officially never going to be finished, due to inner critique and other critiques to make others happy. In order to make these stories work I have to stare at the screen and expect better stories to pop out of my head and write. Here are the two stories:

1) -“Mime and boy story (no title yet)”

*but I was going to stop working on that story because of setting, character, and plot issues.

I slowly opened my eyes even though I’m feeling very sleepy. *



“Everything seems normal on my side of the bed, Like everyday,especially near the end of April. No manifestation stuff or notes appear to be on my bed. except for something feels weird on my rocking chair where my old teddy bear lives. I woke up, and lifted my half of my body up. Then I noticed something that shocked me a little. It was here.

A brown book, with greenish and purplish book front and back cover was on my rocking chair. I flipped open the pages carefully. There seems to be a poem or a short fairly tale, and at the end of every written tale is a magic spell or a dessert or food that’s a hidden potion.

A creepy looking spell book sewn with actual skin piqued my interest. Weird I thought, who would do that? It was pretty weird to seen skin sewn on it, i thought it would smell of rotten cheese and spoiled milk, but it was weirdly not smellable but it still hinted a slight moldy deodorant smell. The spell book said grim’s and petal’s grimoire.

Then It hit me that I had a weird dream relatable to the spellbook, I tried to write down most parts, I wrote down a few, but many pieces fell out, and I couldn’t remember the absolutely major parts of my dream. But I did write and draw a few small pieces of the dream.

Today was another stupid, asshole school day. But I know I should never curse at school, after all, sophomores have to be responsible and have a proper result for every school day.

School was like any other day. Look at the laptop. Learn something new. Take class notes. And do your work based on today’s lessons. And you get homework. Period. Then go to another class and follow the same cycle again.

I hated almost all classes/sessions of school, except science. Though some topics make my head spin, I understand oxidation, the process of how a battery gets it’s energy and how it works and not works. And doing some oxidation exponents and subscript worksheets. I know how a plant cell and an animal cells works, and if someone asks me, I will say the answer. Unless it’s science, i seemed to see everyday a stormy school day.

When school was done for the day, I thought everything about school seems to be dumb until out of the blue, a gleaming thought came:

I wonder, I thought, if my spell book can help me out with how boring school is.

My friend Jackie then came over. And said “Hi”.

I said hi back.

“How are you today? And how was your science? For me I managed to take care of my worksheet,” said Jackie. I heard her slightly mumbling ‘at least’.

“I finished it within 18 minutes, an Abercrombie secret record. What I can tell you is that you worked out a lot at gym. You sweat a lot.” I said.

“Yeah, I like gym, but I have to move out to school for summer school and vacation at another country. Spain.”

“Wait. so you won’t be able to see-“ I wanted to speak a bit more, only to realize she din’t listen to my response: she won’t be able to trade my favorite Pokémon card.

“ I’m sorry Abbot, I won’t come back for about a year or two. But we will look back.”

“When do you leave to Spain?” I said in a fake happy voice. I made sure not to hint disappointment.

“Within two more weeks. And I’m out baby. YEET ! But I will miss you and I will write a letter to you sometime.” Jackie suggested.

I tried to feel happy, but I know nothing about a written letter will make me cheer up. I prefer EMAILS. What the hell! I feel myself ready to grit my teeth and say swear words. I know that will still count as a punishment. So I tried to ‘smile’ for a bit longer.

“I’d better go now, see you tomorrow.” said Jackie, excited .

SEE YOU TOMORROW?! Unbelievable. There goes my ONLY best FRIEND!

Jackie was a nice friend since the first year of high school. She’s mostly boring, as she keeps digging in her nose at home, makes the worst dad jokes and knows them all the time, and is a nervous person with stage fright. but just like me, she likes science. She is a nerd. And we are good friends. But something about her history with me and her regular life is annoying.

And I cannot put my finger on it.

————-

That night I decide to cast a spell. At least the spellbook’s pocket inside has most of the things I need. I searched for the table of contents, and all the spells seemed organized.

I flipped over the different poems and short tales, until I found something I wanted.



How to make a place better.

The recipe was simple and it needed 3 eggs, 5 flowers of any color and any type, a handwritten address of the school, and an eraser.

I chanted the spell:

“See this place,

Check again this place, all the bad in holes.

You are a possibility to more, more goals.

Then a shiny glow flew to the night, the glow must be heading for the school.

So I went to bed, and slept.

I then had this weird dream. A dream that I was in this dark, and safe room. It seemed safe, until i felt something slightly squishy, with a bone in it. Weird. It feel like skin, but then I suddenly decided to look for a lighter. And the i turned on the flint by pushing the button. I can see it a bit more clearly now. A room, that is dark has some pillows and a poster that says Come and see “The Slender Tender Mime. Come today.”

Then I felt something, as if my body feel like it’s slowly getting tighter and tighter.

And I can feel something licking my packs underneath.

Then I heard a weird and creepy but familiar hum. Could it be the hum from my dream? It sounded like a nursery rhyme, but it’s not like it’s any nursery song I heard of... I sounded slightly soothing, but tingly and scary.

I feel like I’m ready to slump over and rest but I don’t want to yet.

Then I remembered my lighter, and pushed the button in front of my face. A mime, was warping the rope round and round, and he looked black and white, just like a printer that prints out gray stuff, some hues of gray might be black and others hues looked lighter, and some looked like the lightest of them all, the only part that’s white is the paper itself. The mime looked like a clown, but it had a black thin nose, and no squishy round clown nose you would see In circuses.



————-

The mime came over and took my dead body, and he walked away humming a familiar haunting tune.”

2)- And here’s the second story, “Girl and Hell and Ogreman” the () mean that I was going to plan my story but since I’m a panster it’s harder than I anticipated. Sorry:



“My daughter loves to go to school, but school for me is..meh. I think school is very evil in the past. I get triggered when i hear about school every day. I think of fear and chaos. It was a long time ago but it still plagues me.

No one might understand where I live, because I kept it a great hidden secret for a plump juicy 29 years. Now that I have a job as a cashier at the supermarket, that should be and feel much better while living in this fresh earth. But now I’m not sure about what can I even do about it.

It began when I was going back home from my work. My wife Loraine wasn’t at home at the time, so I picked up my my little daughter Mimi, and both of us went home.

Sitting on my soft favorite puffy leather couch, I felt so ready to drop ten times deep to sleep. Feeling a little groggy, but not ready to rest yet, I looked at my little doll.

Mimi Garfunkel is one of those many people who does good in her classes. She’s one of these people who does her best to do her work a she fixes her grades on a report card to an A or A+. Don’t get me way too started on pink and purple, she loves any shade of pink and purple. Pink bed. Bubble gum pink and purple Rainbocorns. Pink alien stickers on her notebook, pink purple everywhere. With pearly white in a few areas . The girl loves questions not a lot, but she does ask questions, at times.

She looks so grown up already, as she put her backpack and hung it on a hook and school supplies and homework folder on the table.

It has a family project on the table. It’s a family tree project. Where you write family names and a box full of information and stuff like that. I felt a slight dreadful thought about using my personal family information, but she doesn’t mind and I usually don’t mind either. Cause I din’t live in planet earth to begin with. But I like earth a bit more.

My daughter then looks at me innocently and with a tense, worried face she replied, “Daddy, what’s your real name?”

I sighed. I replied “ I’m sorry, I can’t tell you my real name”

“Do you remember anything about what you did when you were little, or when you were my age, for high school and stuff?” Mimi replied.

“Hmmm...” I said.

What to say, I thought. What to do? what to do? ( )



She silently obeyed and really wanted to hear more ( )



The teacher kept shouting at me as I tried to write, the repeated 'Exam! Exam! Exam! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!' a tune I had gotten stuck in my head. And she seemed so bossy and cruel. For in hell, you have to learn the evil sacred text and learn how to put yourself first before others. You need to learn to run away from strangers and mean people.( )”

Hope you enjoy these stories I added both stories to this portfolio as one entry.

What do you think? Any tips and advice for what’s needed to improve in my horror stories? Please give me a review, a like, and any feedback, advice, exercises, and tips to make my horror stories better, and make my Stories more concise, more flowing, and more suspenseful. Cause I want to be like Ishikawa Emi in these stories: https://mangaowl.net/single/1431/zekkyou-gakkyuu (<— these stories do not have happy endings) but I want the stories above to have a similar plot to this Zekkyou Gakkyuu Tensei (the sequel series to Zekkyou Gakkyuu) reading plot review, which has a happier ending than the other Zekkyou Gakkyuu Stories: http://tatsukida.blogspot.com/2021/10/zekkyou-gakkyuu-tensei-chapter-34.html

Thank you. From, @BeingRivy .


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Points: 80
Reviews: 1

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Mon Nov 22, 2021 4:52 am
Gale Dracworn wrote a review...



To help with detail, think about the five senses. What is the character seeing, what are they feeling, what are they hearing, what are they tasting, what are they smelling. All these things added together will make a more immersive story for the reader. To add suspense, cut out unnecessary words in sentences, like um, and, but, etc. Cut down on words that aren't useful. A lot of newbie writers will just add a lot of words just for word count or because they don't know which ones to get rid of, just think about it. If you want people to feel dread, you either need an extremely visceral description that elicits said reaction, or the reader to develop a bond with the character, therefore feeling dread at the thought of harm coming to them.
definitely work .on dialogue and making it sound more realistic.
Horror is dependent on tension and release. You need to have build up, tension, release, more tension, etc. You can't have constant tension or else people will become desensitized.




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Wed Nov 17, 2021 7:10 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi BeingRivy,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

As requested I´m here to give some feedback to your stories, just keep in mind, that I won´t always do this.

What I noticed in the first story is that a lot is missing. I think you have a good basic idea, but I would think that this is only the first summary of the story and I would also say that there will be much more to see and read once it is a real manuscript of a short story.

In horror stories it is definitely important to grab the reader. You have to develop a fear and dread in the reader when something unknown is in front of them and make them think. For the most part, however, you can only do that if you don't talk about something directly. Show it and you will succeed in building up tension. Describe it with your emotions and feelings. Put yourself in the role of the protagonist. What do you smell, what do you hear, what do you think? If you start to describe something with these instincts, you will definitely succeed in leaving a lasting impression. Don't give everything away, so that there are still some points left open at the end! This way you will definitely create a more exciting picture.

Apart from some spelling mistakes, I would also try to work on the grammar, but I think you should put your focus more in the direction of concentrating on the structure to get the points mentioned above.

I see that you used a different style in the second story, but fell back into the original motif. The important thing is to show rather than describe. Keep information away and maybe start the story with a bit more tension by putting the characters right into a situation that is not quite understandable. This also brings the characters closer to the reader if there is a build-up that happens as the story progresses.

I would advise you to keep writing and to remember where you started and to keep developing from there. It's also very important to give yourself points about what you want in a story and what the "horror" or "mystery" is. You won't be able to prescribe a success overnight, but over the course of many hours where you thought you weren't getting anywhere. It is important that you never give up and:

- Make an outline of what should be included in the story.
- Try to think about what exactly the characters are thinking and saying.
- Describe, but try to keep it minimalistic.
- Possibly stick to an open ending that gives the reader the opportunity to think for themselves about what might happen next.
- Always work on that and don't give up writing.

I can't wait to see what else comes from your pen and I think I'll be watching closely.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




BeingRivy says...


Hi ,
It%u2019s BeingRivy and I%u2019m glad you are here! Please read this private message immediately and make this message with more words!
I%u2019m making an announcement: I will now only write messages on Fridays, Saturdays,and Sundays, because my school told me that if I keep going to this site at school I will lose my privilege at the computer. I%u2019m about to give up, because can never survive without the computer. I%u2019m scared to let you down! I%u2019m so sorry I never said this.
I wrote 2 short horror stories and I failed. Because of those comment reviews, I will never write another story because I%u2019m scared of what reviews they are going to give me. I know they are trying to help me but I have no idea what each review is talking about. Which is making me give up on my projects all together. I need your help and I want you to read both my short stories and review it:

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/BeingRivy/Two-short-horror-stories-that-I-hated-and-need-to-work-on-153016

Here are what the two main short stories are going to be about:
The first short story called %u201CMime and boy story (no title yet)%u201D is about a boy who wants to make more friends, but he doesn%u2019t want to enjoy life, and knows that school is a crucial but boring place and that there is no escape to school, because even though school is nice it gives him too much homework and he wants to be a big kid, not a baby victim. Meanwhile he also had a dream about a mime and he gets a spellbook and tries to make a spell to make the school better, but he is turned to a ragdoll in the process the moment he used the spellbook. He tries to turn back to normal, but ends up at the hospital with his friend.
The second story is about a girl who has a father and he used to be a man who used to live in a scary place called hell and the father of the girl is trying to get away from hell, because he is a nice person, and he was reported missing from hell.


Here are the things I need help on and need to teach me on specifically:
- How can I ever do enough details and elaborating in my story? I%u2019m scared of elaborating the wrong way. And I%u2019m not doing it right enough.
- What is really the structure of a short story? Are these short stories structured like the paragraphs I learn at school? Because I suck at short stories, and I don%u2019t understand how a good short story is made of, and I%u2019m lame at paragraphs in short stories
- I%u2019m the worst at every ending I make with my short story and once I tried and I failed. I made the worst example.
- There%u2019s one person called @MailicedeNamedy that said: %u201CIf you start to describe something with these instincts, you will definitely succeed in leaving a lasting impression. Don't give everything away, so that there are still some points left open at the end! This way you will definitely create a more exciting picture.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this. what does he mean by this and how do I do it?
- Another person (@Ichthys) said this: %u201CPerhaps you could consider writing on paper. I always have trouble writing when I am using a computer and also end up staring at the screen. Writing with other people also helps, especially since they can support you and hold you accountable. Another thing I have to say is, don't force it. A good story should grow on its own and develop logically within its own world. Don't try too much to be like other authors either. You can take inspiration from them, but it's never good to imitate too closely. Thank you for posting your stories.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this and what do she mean by this comment?
- Another person called @Plume said this to me and I need help understanding this message: %u201CIn terms of writing horror, I think one of the best things you can do is establish a norm, and then deviate and pervert that norm to the extreme while withholding just enough information from the readers. In your mime story, I felt like so much happened in a really short amount of time. If you took time to establish the main character's life, then his usage of the spellbook increasing with some strange side effects, and then introduced the mime in his room, I think that would be a better structured horror story. I think by slowing it down, it would improve the pacing and by proxy, other story aspects.%u201D I don%u2019t get this. What does she mean and how can I follow this advice?
- How do make everyone happy with the story I make? I%u2019m going to give up on writing soon because my stories are failures, and because of that and my bad behaviors with my teachers, I will never write again. But I will only journal and the only way to journal is to push myself very hard so that it%u2019s to the point where I give up. What can I do with my journal and how can I be a good story writer? Any ideas, tips,exercises,and advice? I don%u2019t like the sprint ones.
- How do I describe the settings properly in my story and how do I ever write down the events of each story properly without making them AKWARD like you did with your %u201CLife of An Elf%u201D Story? Tell me the secret, because after all, you made that story. And you are better than me at everything in this site. Tell me everything.
In conclusion how can I EVER be a better storyteller, any ideas and tips? And if you don%u2019t give me advice I%u2019ll quit on every dream I have! And I%u2019ll push myself to do bad stuff even harder.
Thank you and please send me a reply that%u2019s longer than your first reply.
From, @BeingRivy.



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Points: 1157
Reviews: 14

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Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:05 am
Ichthys wrote a review...



First Story:

Your characters need to begin their journey without a clue of what happens next. When you start a horror story with the narrator describing what will occur throughout the plot, the horror seems forced and bland. Try describing the normal, not what won't be normal later. What colour are the bedsheets, the curtains, the paint on the walls? Where is the window in position to the bed? Is there a desk, is there a closet? Elaborate about this rocking chair. A note on that - the character knows there is something odd about it before even sitting up or getting out of bed. How? Does something catch his eye from his peripheral vision, does he sleep on his side, is the rocking chair rocking? The narrator also seems to be expecting this book, but why? You also changed tense partway through this first paragraph, so you should probably change it to be more consistent.

A few technical errors in the next few paragraphs. 'Fairy tale' is spelled with a stray 'l.' When your characters think, italicizing the thought itself is standard and clarifying. You forgot the word 'have' before 'seen.' The title of a book should always be properly capitalised and underscored/italicized, and words which are not the first within a sentence and not proper nouns are not to be capitalised unless for emphasis in an informal work. There are more throughout the rest of the text, but I will refrain from identifying each one to save time and space. The grimoire is described, but not very well, and splitting the description into multiple paragraphs was not necessary for the amount of text used and ideas expressed. The dream relating to it is not described at all, and appears to be a short bit of text with no purpose, plotwise.

School is not described sufficiently, but science class is described in too much detail, so you may want to find a middle ground between the two. The dialogue between Abbot and Jackie seems forced, and their personalities are not expressed well through their conversation. They speak a bit formally and directly state facts they should already know about each other. Suddenly, strong emotion is thrust into the narrative, but it disappears just as quickly. Abbot must be extremely dependent on Jackie despite speaking of and acting towards her so impatiently. The rhyming spell had no rythym, and the details regarding it are awkward and random.

The dream is, once again, not described in enough detail. Abbot seemingly awakens, but this is not mentioned at all. The lighter should have a background, as it is suddenly introduced. Does Abbot carry a lighter around to the point of sleeping with it nearby? Why, and since when? The mime is also introduced in such a manner, and Abbot suddenly dies for no apparent reason. Where does the mime come from? Is it/he related to the spellbook? Why does Abbot die? How? How do the first dream and Jackie play in? Was Jackie just another reason school was awful? Was the whole thing about science really necessary? There are so many plot lines left dangling that the ending isn't at all satisfying.

Second Story:

You should have made more of a distinction between where the two stories end and begin, because it is confusing. This story is very incomplete, and therefore hard to work with. It has many grammatical errors like the first story, but the descriptions are more complete; they could still be more polished. The plot appears more developed, but what you have posted is lacking most of it. Next time please post a full story, as there really is not much one can help with when given so little material.

A Note:

Perhaps you could consider writing on paper. I always have trouble writing when I am using a computer and also end up staring at the screen. Writing with other people also helps, especially since they can support you and hold you accountable. Another thing I have to say is, don't force it. A good story should grow on its own and develop logically within its own world. Don't try too much to be like other authors either. You can take inspiration from them, but it's never good to imitate too closely. Thank you for posting your stories.




BeingRivy says...


Hi ,
It%u2019s BeingRivy and I%u2019m glad you are here! Please read this private message immediately and make this message with more words!
I%u2019m making an announcement: I will now only write messages on Fridays, Saturdays,and Sundays, because my school told me that if I keep going to this site at school I will lose my privilege at the computer. I%u2019m about to give up, because can never survive without the computer. I%u2019m scared to let you down! I%u2019m so sorry I never said this.
I wrote 2 short horror stories and I failed. Because of those comment reviews, I will never write another story because I%u2019m scared of what reviews they are going to give me. I know they are trying to help me but I have no idea what each review is talking about. Which is making me give up on my projects all together. I need your help and I want you to read both my short stories and review it:

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/BeingRivy/Two-short-horror-stories-that-I-hated-and-need-to-work-on-153016

Here are what the two main short stories are going to be about:
The first short story called %u201CMime and boy story (no title yet)%u201D is about a boy who wants to make more friends, but he doesn%u2019t want to enjoy life, and knows that school is a crucial but boring place and that there is no escape to school, because even though school is nice it gives him too much homework and he wants to be a big kid, not a baby victim. Meanwhile he also had a dream about a mime and he gets a spellbook and tries to make a spell to make the school better, but he is turned to a ragdoll in the process the moment he used the spellbook. He tries to turn back to normal, but ends up at the hospital with his friend.
The second story is about a girl who has a father and he used to be a man who used to live in a scary place called hell and the father of the girl is trying to get away from hell, because he is a nice person, and he was reported missing from hell.


Here are the things I need help on and need to teach me on specifically:
- How can I ever do enough details and elaborating in my story? I%u2019m scared of elaborating the wrong way. And I%u2019m not doing it right enough.
- What is really the structure of a short story? Are these short stories structured like the paragraphs I learn at school? Because I suck at short stories, and I don%u2019t understand how a good short story is made of, and I%u2019m lame at paragraphs in short stories
- I%u2019m the worst at every ending I make with my short story and once I tried and I failed. I made the worst example.
- There%u2019s one person called @MailicedeNamedy that said: %u201CIf you start to describe something with these instincts, you will definitely succeed in leaving a lasting impression. Don't give everything away, so that there are still some points left open at the end! This way you will definitely create a more exciting picture.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this. what does he mean by this and how do I do it?
- Another person (@Ichthys) said this: %u201CPerhaps you could consider writing on paper. I always have trouble writing when I am using a computer and also end up staring at the screen. Writing with other people also helps, especially since they can support you and hold you accountable. Another thing I have to say is, don't force it. A good story should grow on its own and develop logically within its own world. Don't try too much to be like other authors either. You can take inspiration from them, but it's never good to imitate too closely. Thank you for posting your stories.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this and what do she mean by this comment?
- Another person called @Plume said this to me and I need help understanding this message: %u201CIn terms of writing horror, I think one of the best things you can do is establish a norm, and then deviate and pervert that norm to the extreme while withholding just enough information from the readers. In your mime story, I felt like so much happened in a really short amount of time. If you took time to establish the main character's life, then his usage of the spellbook increasing with some strange side effects, and then introduced the mime in his room, I think that would be a better structured horror story. I think by slowing it down, it would improve the pacing and by proxy, other story aspects.%u201D I don%u2019t get this. What does she mean and how can I follow this advice?
- How do make everyone happy with the story I make? I%u2019m going to give up on writing soon because my stories are failures, and because of that and my bad behaviors with my teachers, I will never write again. But I will only journal and the only way to journal is to push myself very hard so that it%u2019s to the point where I give up. What can I do with my journal and how can I be a good story writer? Any ideas, tips,exercises,and advice? I don%u2019t like the sprint ones.
- How do I describe the settings properly in my story and how do I ever write down the events of each story properly without making them AKWARD like you did with your %u201CLife of An Elf%u201D Story? Tell me the secret, because after all, you made that story. And you are better than me at everything in this site. Tell me everything.
In conclusion how can I EVER be a better storyteller, any ideas and tips? And if you don%u2019t give me advice I%u2019ll quit on every dream I have! And I%u2019ll push myself to do bad stuff even harder.
Thank you and please send me a reply that%u2019s longer than your first reply.
From, @BeingRivy.



User avatar
432 Reviews


Points: 46600
Reviews: 432

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Tue Nov 16, 2021 1:43 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I got the message you left on my profile about this piece! Here's a hot tip: I noticed you leaving the same comments on other people's walls; you can simply post a link to it to your own wall and then tag everyone who you want to read it, like a lot of people do with novel chapters. Generally, it's polite to ask people if they want to be tagged to, and make the option open for people to remove themselves from the tag list. But tag lists are useful because you only have to make one comment!

I think these were promising starts!! I'm intrigued by that last one especially; it seems like a story about some sort of alien having a child? I think it has the potential to be really sweet and funny, especially if they go on all sorts of misadventures. I think that familial love is an underused trope, and I really loved to see the premonitions of it sprouting in your work! Nice job!

One thing I do think you could work on is finishing stories. It's kind of hard to give pointers on stories as a whole, especially horror stories, if they aren't finished. I think these were promising starts, but finishing stories (even if the ending isn't the best) is a good way to get that feeling of finality, and it can also spur more thoughts about what could happen.

I also thought your writing style was a bit more telling rather than showing. I felt like I couldn't relate to your characters very well, since your narration was very cut and dry. I think focusing on emotions and channeling those into your story would help flesh out the characters a bit more. Like rather than telling us the main character in the first story likes science, show us him in science class answering a question right and his pride at succeeding. Maybe contrast that to another moment in a different class at school that shows him doing not-so-well. But you should only include that information if it's going to be relevant. You went into a lot of detail about oxidation and such, but I couldn't really see that being relevant later on in the story. Only include details that are going to serve the story somehow. Of course, there's a little wiggle room on that, but I think if you're going into detail, you should make sure it's important.

In terms of writing horror, I think one of the best things you can do is establish a norm, and then deviate and pervert that norm to the extreme while withholding just enough information from the readers. In your mime story, I felt like so much happened in a really short amount of time. If you took time to establish the main character's life, then his usage of the spellbook increasing with some strange side effects, and then introduced the mime in his room, I think that would be a better structured horror story. I think by slowing it down, it would improve the pacing and by proxy, other story aspects.

Specifics

“Everything seems normal on my side of the bed, Like everyday,especially near the end of April. No manifestation stuff or notes appear to be on my bed. except for something feels weird on my rocking chair where my old teddy bear lives. I woke up, and lifted my half of my body up. Then I noticed something that shocked me a little. It was here.


In this first paragraph, you've got some tense inconsistencies. You start in the present tense, but then shift to past tense. Since a majority of the story was in past tense, I'd change the first part.

Then It hit me that I had a weird dream relatable to the spellbook...


I think "relatable" should be "related."

Overall: nice work!! I think these are good starts, but there're a few aspects to improve upon. I look forward to seeing your improvements as you continue to post to this site, and I can't wait to read your next piece!! Until next time!!




BeingRivy says...


Hi ,
It%u2019s BeingRivy and I%u2019m glad you are here! Please read this private message immediately and make this message with more words!
I%u2019m making an announcement: I will now only write messages on Fridays, Saturdays,and Sundays, because my school told me that if I keep going to this site at school I will lose my privilege at the computer. I%u2019m about to give up, because can never survive without the computer. I%u2019m scared to let you down! I%u2019m so sorry I never said this.
I wrote 2 short horror stories and I failed. Because of those comment reviews, I will never write another story because I%u2019m scared of what reviews they are going to give me. I know they are trying to help me but I have no idea what each review is talking about. Which is making me give up on my projects all together. I need your help and I want you to read both my short stories and review it:

https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/BeingRivy/Two-short-horror-stories-that-I-hated-and-need-to-work-on-153016

Here are what the two main short stories are going to be about:
The first short story called %u201CMime and boy story (no title yet)%u201D is about a boy who wants to make more friends, but he doesn%u2019t want to enjoy life, and knows that school is a crucial but boring place and that there is no escape to school, because even though school is nice it gives him too much homework and he wants to be a big kid, not a baby victim. Meanwhile he also had a dream about a mime and he gets a spellbook and tries to make a spell to make the school better, but he is turned to a ragdoll in the process the moment he used the spellbook. He tries to turn back to normal, but ends up at the hospital with his friend.
The second story is about a girl who has a father and he used to be a man who used to live in a scary place called hell and the father of the girl is trying to get away from hell, because he is a nice person, and he was reported missing from hell.


Here are the things I need help on and need to teach me on specifically:
- How can I ever do enough details and elaborating in my story? I%u2019m scared of elaborating the wrong way. And I%u2019m not doing it right enough.
- What is really the structure of a short story? Are these short stories structured like the paragraphs I learn at school? Because I suck at short stories, and I don%u2019t understand how a good short story is made of, and I%u2019m lame at paragraphs in short stories
- I%u2019m the worst at every ending I make with my short story and once I tried and I failed. I made the worst example.
- There%u2019s one person called @MailicedeNamedy that said: %u201CIf you start to describe something with these instincts, you will definitely succeed in leaving a lasting impression. Don't give everything away, so that there are still some points left open at the end! This way you will definitely create a more exciting picture.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this. what does he mean by this and how do I do it?
- Another person (@Ichthys) said this: %u201CPerhaps you could consider writing on paper. I always have trouble writing when I am using a computer and also end up staring at the screen. Writing with other people also helps, especially since they can support you and hold you accountable. Another thing I have to say is, don't force it. A good story should grow on its own and develop logically within its own world. Don't try too much to be like other authors either. You can take inspiration from them, but it's never good to imitate too closely. Thank you for posting your stories.%u201D I don%u2019t understand this and what do she mean by this comment?
- Another person called @Plume said this to me and I need help understanding this message: %u201CIn terms of writing horror, I think one of the best things you can do is establish a norm, and then deviate and pervert that norm to the extreme while withholding just enough information from the readers. In your mime story, I felt like so much happened in a really short amount of time. If you took time to establish the main character's life, then his usage of the spellbook increasing with some strange side effects, and then introduced the mime in his room, I think that would be a better structured horror story. I think by slowing it down, it would improve the pacing and by proxy, other story aspects.%u201D I don%u2019t get this. What does she mean and how can I follow this advice?
- How do make everyone happy with the story I make? I%u2019m going to give up on writing soon because my stories are failures, and because of that and my bad behaviors with my teachers, I will never write again. But I will only journal and the only way to journal is to push myself very hard so that it%u2019s to the point where I give up. What can I do with my journal and how can I be a good story writer? Any ideas, tips,exercises,and advice? I don%u2019t like the sprint ones.
- How do I describe the settings properly in my story and how do I ever write down the events of each story properly without making them AKWARD like you did with your %u201CLife of An Elf%u201D Story? Tell me the secret, because after all, you made that story. And you are better than me at everything in this site. Tell me everything.
In conclusion how can I EVER be a better storyteller, any ideas and tips? And if you don%u2019t give me advice I%u2019ll quit on every dream I have! And I%u2019ll push myself to do bad stuff even harder.
Thank you and please send me a reply that%u2019s longer than your first reply.
From, @BeingRivy.




“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell